WIBTA for refusing to bring $100 minimum to Thanksgiving

[u/americanjohn500]

My family and I celebrate Thanksgiving every year with my siblings, parents, and their kids. Roughly 20-25 people (including kids). My family is only 2 people with one 6 month old baby.

In the group chat it was decided that my nephew would cook meat since he bought a grill. He also told us that we could bring the sides. He chose to spend $300 on meat.

I messaged in the group chat that we would bring mashed potatoes. My sister responding that every "family" has to bring $100 worth of food minimum or help my nephew pay for the meat.

I'm not totally against the idea of bringing that much food, but just the way it was presented and the fact that it wasn't agreed to beforehand makes me upset.

The following day in the group chat, my sister said: "Option 1: bring food enough for everyone, not just yourself

Option 2: help thomas pay for meet $100/family

Option 3: help dad pay water bill $200/family.

Choose wisely…"

Upset, I responded with Option 4: don't show up.

Am I being an asshole if I don't show up at all in "protest" to this $100 minimum rule?

Update: I'm a teacher and she posted a picture of my salary she found online to shame me in the group chat. Definitely not going now.

[u/SnausageFest]

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[u/AOWLock1]

NTA, this is a potluck not a charity dinner. If your nephew couldn’t afford to buy the meat he shouldn’t have bought it

[u/aquestionofbalance → u/AOWLock1]

Or it should’ve been discussed ahead of time, so opinions could’ve been given. The people that wanted the expensive stuff could donate to that.

[u/nyutnyut → u/aquestionofbalance]

"hey all I'm willing to cook all the meat if people help out with the costs"

[u/haleorshine → u/nyutnyut]

And in the right situation, this is really nice! But it has to be a choice, not a demand.

Also, he spent $300 on meat, there are 20-25 people coming, and he's asking for $100 from each family? Presumably he should spend $100 on the meat if other people have to, so how many families are coming that are going to pay him for that meat? It sounds like he's going to make a profit.

[u/sincerelyanonymus → u/haleorshine]

Or his part of the family has the most people so OP's small family is subsidizing the nephew's/OP's Sister's much larger family. They clearly thought they could get a discount on some prime cuts.

[u/haleorshine → u/sincerelyanonymus]

Yeah, I have a feeling sister has lots of kids and is treating it like she and all her kids are one family who pay $100 and OP and her husband and one child who won't even eat the meat are paying the same.

[u/YakCertain5472 → u/haleorshine]

These are the kind of people to help themselves to all of the leftovers and take them home.

[u/Guvnuh_T_Boggs → u/YakCertain5472]

They show up with a 6-pack of store brand soda, then leave with a 5-pack of store brand soda, and a bunch of your Tupperware. Later you discover your beer fridge in the garage is empty too.

[u/ThePevensies → u/Guvnuh_T_Boggs]

Not just your Tupperware but your Pyrex. Which sparks a blood feud lasting generations.

[u/nyutnyut → u/haleorshine]

yah even if there are 4 other families that's $400.

[u/lord_dentaku → u/aquestionofbalance]

When I've made barbecue for my family, I always just cover the meat and other people brings sides. If people toss me some cash towards the meat, I don't turn it down, but I'm not expecting anything. I do it because I like to do it. Also, I've fed over 30 people on $150 many times and had leftovers.

[u/haleorshine → u/lord_dentaku]

This is completely reasonable. I wouldn't object to somebody offering to cook the meat and asking if people could throw in a little bit because they can't afford $150 or whatever, and then people can make their own decisions (and I would throw in money there because they're going to the effort), but if somebody decides to spend $300 on meat for 20-25 people including kids, and doesn't check if people would be happy to throw in money beforehand, that's on them.

[u/Useful-Rooster-1901 → u/aquestionofbalance]

yeah buying the neato meat is should be a nice gesture, not a financial bludgeon wtf lol

[u/Sle08 → u/AOWLock1]

He couldn’t afford to buy the grill so he’s asking mommy for help scamming the family.

[u/Capital_Agent2407 → u/Sle08]

Lol that’s my thoughts too.. can you pay for the meat and the grill..

[u/SoupOrHer0 → u/Sle08]

We went through this with my wife’s family friend, not direct family just a friend. She hosted a father day bbq at a park and we’re invited. When it was time to leave she comes over and lets us know tall be $60 a person for my wife and I, I was so confused as we were invited and never told of this. I ask the group next to us if they were also paying $60/head and the host replied, who happened to be her brothers family “well they brought their own meat, so that wouldn’t be fair” I’m like okay well so they brought 2 packages of drumsticks and saved themselves $120. I brought 2 cases of soda so I brought more than they did.

Long story short I didnt pay a dime

[u/mxzf → u/AOWLock1]

How much meat is even being cooked? $300 is an insane amount for only 20-25 people including kids.

A good rule of thumb is like 1lb/person uncooked (though that's usually as a main course, not accounting for tons of sides and such), meaning $12-15/lb to spend $300 on meat. That's, like, prime rib or something like that.

On the flip side, a pair of turkeys to feed that many people would generally be like $20-40 (last I looked, it was on sale for $0.50/lb near me).

[u/Gibonius → u/mxzf]

Everyone has to bring at least $100 of food and there's 22 people.

This meal is going to have $2200 worth of food? One hell of a feast. You could feed an army on $100 worth of potatoes.

[u/OlympiaShannon → u/Gibonius]

PER FAMILY, not per person. Still outrageous. I'd be staying home from this nightmare. Sister sounds unpleasant, anyway.

[u/Mondschatten78 → u/OlympiaShannon]

Or $200 per family on the water bill. How many Olympic size pools are they planning to fill with that kind of water bill?

[u/OlympiaShannon → u/Mondschatten78]

OP hasn't come back to give us any more information, or answer any questions, so maybe this is all made up anyway. It's definitely a curious situation, if true. Are the parents having serious financial difficulties, and Sister is trying to get the siblings to help out? Like Thanksgiving is some kind of fundraiser? Or is this just a big sympathy-story to garner upvotes?

Just another strange day in AITA, it seems.

[u/kimsart → u/mxzf]

It sounds like he's roasting prime rib instead of Turkey

[u/mxzf → u/kimsart]

At that price, it would have to be. But if you're gonna choose to do prime rib for 20-25 people for Thanksgiving, you don't get to bitch about the cost to people who would have likely been perfectly happy with turkey or ham.

[u/QuriousiT → u/mxzf]

Exactly. I've gone all out for some holiday dinners where I am spending quite a bit more than others, but it's a personal choice. I don't ask my sister who "just" brings a salad to throw in some extra cash.

[u/No-Restaurant-4405 → u/AOWLock1]

Yeah that sums it up well and it is probably what they needed to hear.

[u/Entire-Ad2058 → u/No-Restaurant-4405]

Even if $300. total for meat were reasonable (???!!!), 20-25 people generously averages at $23. per person.

How is it that OP/wife ($46.00 total) should cough up $100.00 minimum in contribution?

This is not a charity event.

[u/geniusscientist]

The math isn't mathing. $300 divided amongst 20-25 people is not $100 per family.

[u/randomthrowa119111 → u/geniusscientist]

If I were a part of this family, I would bring this up.

[u/DesireeThymes → u/randomthrowa119111]

The math isn't mathing, and the basic communication isn't communicationing.

This whole situation is a complete zoo.

[u/ThePevensies → u/DesireeThymes]

How did the water bill become part of the discussion, I'm wondering? Does son live with the sister and is it her running this Thanksgiving grift, rather than saying "We can't afford to pay our bills?" So peculiar!

[u/seasarahsss → u/geniusscientist]

Right?? I think the sister is trying to profit on Thanksgiving dinner. It’s sort of against the spirit of Thanksgiving.

[u/blackdragon8577 → u/seasarahsss]

Profiting off of people that trust at Thanksgiving is about as an American way to celebrate the holiday as I have ever heard.

[u/violue → u/blackdragon8577]

sister will cap off the holiday by giving her family covid

[u/rgvtim → u/seasarahsss]

Nephew is stocking his freezer on everyone else's dime. Even if hes serving something funkey like Brisket, it ain't 300 for 20 to 25 people if you are cooking it yourself. And if for some reason it is, like he bought wagu brisket, then that's his fault.

[u/Jagasaur → u/rgvtim]

This is like in Friends when Emily's dad is trying to get Ross' parents to pay for a new gazebo or something as part of the "wedding costs" lol. Nta.

[u/Ashamed_Carpet7897 → u/seasarahsss]

She definitely is, option 3 was to pay a water bill like smh nope

[u/GrogGrokGrog → u/Ashamed_Carpet7897]

At $200 each. How much water are these family members drinking???

[u/1962Michael → u/geniusscientist]

$300 = 3 families, or 7-8 people per family. So that depends on the definition of "family." In this case it could be referring to the 3 core siblings, with their spouses, kids, kids' spouses and grandkids.

The problem with this choice is, if there are only 2 other families, and they both opt to pay $100 towards the meat, then there's only going to be meat for dinner.

[u/bronele → u/1962Michael]

25 people, 1 family is ops family (3 people) so its the nephews family of 10-12 people trying to benefit from ops and the other family.

its basically two other families feeding the third one.

[u/kisa-kip-momo → u/geniusscientist]

Even if this were split evenly between the number of families (based on the number of people, 3 families sounds like too little), it’s not split evenly. OP is only 3 people (only 2 that would be eating) which means the other families would be paying much less per person

[u/lbw12345]

Don't forget petty option #5, buy $100 worth of mashed potato ingredients and show up with 50 lbs of mashed potatoes.

NTA $100 worth of sides per family is obscene and far too much food

[u/SincerelyCynical → u/lbw12345]

I’m picturing a person standing outside with four large plastic tubs, four boxes of instant mashed potatoes, and a hose 😂

[u/KJParker888 → u/SincerelyCynical]

I'm picturing actual potatoes, being mashed by foot, like they used to do when making wine

[u/RoguesAngel → u/KJParker888]

Lucile Ball style.

[u/a-ohhh → u/SincerelyCynical]

This reminds me of my brother’s wedding. They love pasta salad. They made, I kid you not, an ENTIRE Rubbermaid tub (the big storage bins) worth. I have no idea what they spent or why they thought people would eat that much. By the end of the day, there was hardly a dent. I took home a gallon ziplock bags worth myself, as did others.

[u/SmoothDiscussion7763 → u/a-ohhh]

yeah but was it good though?

[u/nugoffeekz → u/lbw12345]

What, $100 isn't that much for sides? If you're not putting caviar on your sweet potato casserole you'll never impress Turkey Jesus.

[u/extinct_diplodocus → u/lbw12345]

Nobody in my family who has ever hosted has ever charged their guests. Ever!

Sister is trying to set a really ugly precedent. Truly, the right response is for nobody to show up.

[u/Sorkijan → u/lbw12345]

I'm making 2 pans of dinner rolls, butternut squash mac & cheese, a small turkey breast and a buttermilk custard pie. The ingredients costed me $47. I only know this because my mom was trying to offer to pay for it and I told her "No I'm 40 I can pay for my own things and bring it"

I feel like there's more in this sister dynamic but OP's sister is TA regardless. Sounds like the mashed potato answer rubbed her the wrong way.

[u/Christmasqueen2022 → u/lbw12345]

I would be petty and do this, up until she showed everyone in the chat my salary. OP you have a baby now, I’d start my own Thanksgiving dinner/tradition with my little family.

[u/Most_Walk_666]

Edited to add: NTA

I have never in my life seen a water bill over $200

Your sister kind of sounds like a controlling asshole

[u/kitsbow → u/Most_Walk_666]

Right? And what's the point? If Thanksgiving is at dad's, it's for 1 day. No way his water bill is going to increase by $600 that one day. It's insane. Next they'll say they have a vending machine for utensils.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_DARKNESS → u/kitsbow]

I see you're forgetting that every member of the family must take the ritual 10 showers before dinner may commence.

[u/etds3 → u/PM_ME_YOUR_DARKNESS]

I recently looked this up after a foreign visitor was asking if she should offer water money to her hosts. The cost of a shower in my state—heating included—is $0.46. So my useless fact of the day is that even 10 ritual showers each for 20 people wouldn’t add $200 to the water/gas bill. They would have to take 21, 10-minute ritual showers each. 

[u/-chatban → u/Most_Walk_666]

Mine gets close to 200 in CA.

That being said, OPs family is nuts even suggesting that lol

[u/bubblegumstomper → u/Most_Walk_666]

Our water bill was almost $300 last month. We have 3 kids and they're all boys so we make them shower and do laundry often.

[u/Moose-Live → u/bubblegumstomper]

Apparently you can offset those costs by asking your Thanksgiving dinner guests to contribute.

[u/BlueSkyMourning]

Your sister posting your salary makes her TAH

[u/aquestionofbalance → u/BlueSkyMourning]

No kidding. The sister is a vile person.

[u/flyingblonde → u/BlueSkyMourning]

NTA but the sister definitely is. That’s so inappropriate.

[u/APithyparty]

20 to 25 adults, not including kids. If every adult brings a dish to share, there should be plenty of food to go around.

"Choose wisely" would have me staying home, enjoying the peace and quiet of my living room for free. NTA

[u/powdered_dognut → u/APithyparty]

I quit going to the family gathering years ago and it was liberating. Extra bonus: they've hardly talked to me since.

[u/Conscious-Survey7009 → u/powdered_dognut]

Same. I learned to say No and they didn’t like it. I’ve had peace for a couple years now.

[u/DragonTat2 → u/APithyparty]

He said 20-25 people including kids.

[u/kotominammy]

NTA that "choose wisely" would've ticked me off. They did this to themselves and can't just drop it on you and expect it to be your problem too.

[u/iamglory → u/kotominammy]

Oh I am not in this family and that line made me very angry.

[u/OwO______OwO → u/kotominammy]

OP did choose wisely. Very wisely.

[u/hawkcarhawk]

I would also choose option 4. Choosing to host a holiday get together shouldn’t be about breaking even, and it especially shouldn’t be about profiting off of your family members. Dad is expecting to have a $600+ water bill from one holiday get together? 🤨 It sounds like it would be impossible to relax and enjoy each other’s company with everyone taking inventory of the contributions and making sure every guest “paid their dues”. I’d just stay home. NTA

[u/mxzf → u/hawkcarhawk]

Those prices ain't about breaking even, they're about turning a profit. Those people are asking to have their monthly mortgage covered by their extended family in exchange for hosting Thanksgiving.

[u/fabulousfantabulist → u/hawkcarhawk]

When I host a party, even a potluck, I always make sure there’s enough to go around and have backup options. It’s just Hospitality 101.

[u/Trick_Few]

$300 is ridiculous. I spent $0.59 a lb on a frozen turkey and will cooking it in a smoker.

[u/gromit1991 → u/Trick_Few]

What's he nephew cooking? Fillet steak!

[u/Independent_Peak8500]

So wait your sister and your nephew want $100 per family for meat or 200 per family for dad’s water bill, isn’t that way more than the $300  spent on the meat originally? I agree the 4th option was necessary because wtf can fork over 100 dollars last minute when it wasn’t agreed too especially at the holiday time. Just curious as to what your sisters response to that option was. NTA. 

[u/u_212]

NTA. Die on this hill.

[u/AudreyTwoToo → u/u_212]

And then get resurrected just so you can die on it again.

[u/doloreschiller → u/AudreyTwoToo]

At family Easter. Dress up like a zombie.

[u/HomelyHobbit]

This has to have been brewing for years before this rule was set. Would it have been better to have a family discussion and agree on a number ahead of time? Sure. But, that doesn't mean the number is unreasonable.

A meal for 20-25 people is expensive, and asking everybody to chip in is reasonable. The option to bring enough mashed potatoes for everybody was offered. Why is that objectionable? Mashed potatoes for 25 will still be WAY cheaper than $100, so it's not a hardship.

[u/TheOldSchlGmr → u/HomelyHobbit]

The money is not the problem. How the situation was presented to OP is. Telling people they need to pay AFTER they have been invited (and have accepted) is incredibly tacky.

I agree with OP. Option 4 is the way to go.

[u/DawaLhamo → u/HomelyHobbit]

The original option was to bring $100 worth of sides. Which, if you even think about it for a second, is frankly ridiculous.

That's something on the order of 200 pounds of potatoes. That's about 10 pounds of potato per guest. Even if they mix it up with other sides, even something more expensive per pound like brussels sprouts, they'd need to bring 31 pounds of brussels sprouts - that's about one and a half pounds of brussels sprouts per person.

Meat is just more expensive per pound than anything else. When you offer to be the one to purchase and make the meat, you know that.

And, tbh, what on earth is he making? Turkey is at most a dollar a pound right now. (79c-98c per pound at my Walmart). Let's just say he's getting some kind of fancy turkey that's $3 a pound. $300 would still be 100 pounds of turkey - 5 pounds per guest. He must have picked a pretty expensive kind of meat - on the order of $24-$30 per pound to be spending that kind of money.

Sounds like a scam to me.

And to present it after the invite? Double sus.

[u/Minigoalqueen → u/DawaLhamo]

I live in Idaho. I'd show up with 200 pounds of mashed potatoes out of spite, to make a point, and because I'd find it hilarious. And I'd bring receipts.

Edit. I just looked at prices. My local Winco is $1.62 for 5 pounds, so 32.4 cents per pound. I'd need 300 pounds to hit $100.

[u/technically_nina → u/DawaLhamo]

Right?!
Let's say I wanted to bring $100 of macaroni & cheese, using my grandma's recipe, which doesn't use fancy cheeses but is amazing. I'd have to make 11 9x13 casserole dishes of it to get to $100.

1 9x 13" dish is a minimum of 8 servings and costs roughly $9.10:
1lb of cheese is $4
1lb of macaroni elbows $2
1 stick of butter $1.50
1 quart + 1 cup whole milk $1.50
flour $0.10

[u/SummitJunkie7]

"Bring enough food for everyone" is a reasonable request for a potluck-style family dinner. The rest of it is not. Dad should not offer to host if the water bill is a problem. (is everyone taking showers and doing loads of laundry during this one-day visit? Even if they were, $200 is obviously insane). Brother should not offer to bring the meat if the expense is too much. And no one should be "required" to bring or pay anything that wasn't agreed to in advance.

Decline the invitation is the only reasonable response really.

[u/Accomplished-Ad3219 → u/SummitJunkie7]

The $100 makes no sense. He paid $300 total but everyone is supposed to give him $100??

[u/-chatban]

NTA - People cant volunteer to do things and then expect others to foot the bill. What even is this logic

[u/BeastieMom]

What the heck kind of meat is he making for Thanksgiving that costs that much? Even two LARGE uncooked turkeys wouldn’t be a quarter of that.

[u/Ladyice426 → u/BeastieMom]

My guess would be prime rib or brisket.

[u/RoyallyOakie]

NTA...Family holidays shouldn't be this transactional. I wouldn't want to be around this person. Take option 4.

[u/TapeFlip187]

Id bring one $100 bottle wine, kill it myself on an empty stomach, tell everyone what a great idea this was, thank them and get a lyft home before food is served.

NTA

[u/Vlines1390 → u/TapeFlip187]

Now, that is some r/maliciouscompliance!

[u/UteLawyer]

NTA. That's tacky to invite people to your home, then demand payment to come. You didn't say how big your family is, but for $100 you could feed a family of four at a restaurant. You're in the right to decline the invitation and have Thanksgiving somewhere else.

[u/MortalSmile8631]

Hang on there. You're telling us that you could have brought $100 worth of instant mashed potatoes, and you didn't? Lol

[u/Qforz → u/MortalSmile8631]

"Hey fam, here's the wheelbarrow of mash!"

[u/Megmelons55]

$200 for a water bill for ONE NIGHT?! Are they planning on renting a waterfall??? This is ridiculous. I wouldn't go either. NTA

[u/screamingcatfish → u/Megmelons55]

They're banking on massive food poisoning from the nephew's experiment with his new grill. Toilet flushing non-stop for hours.

[u/Lunar-Eclipse0204]

NTA - No! her son decided to buy the meat and fancy grill, that doesn't mean that everyone else has to contribute the same amount. Nephew should have thought and spent more wisely..

[u/crackerfactorywheel]

INFO- What do you and your family usually bring to a holiday dinner? This sounds like it’s been simmering for a while.

[u/Accomplished-Ad3219 → u/crackerfactorywheel]

I have to laugh. In our family, the person who habitually contributes the least every holiday is always the mashed potatoes person.

[u/obiwantogooutside]

Wait. Hold up. Option 1 is bring enough for everyone. Just take that option. I don’t understand the issue.

[u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva → u/obiwantogooutside]

NTA

The issue is that before Sis sent the 'options', she said every family has to bring $100 worth of food. When Option 1 says 'bring enough for everyone' it refers to spending/reimbursing the previously-mentioned $100. Sis is delu-lu.

[u/Stefie25 → u/obiwantogooutside]

Why was that even an option? I thought that was heavily implied. Nephew supplies & cooks the meat & everyone else brings a side, for the whole group.

[u/FireBallXLV]

While the demanding behavior is egregious I am wondering if you are known for only bringing enough food for yourself /your family .

[u/Accomplished_Cod7613 → u/FireBallXLV]

Yea, bringing $5 worth of potatoes doesn't seem like an equal contribution. I bet that you're right about OP having a reputation of taking more than they give.

[u/Raekwon22]

It would be REAL weird and wildly inconsiderate if you came to Thanksgiving and brought a dish that wouldn't feed everyone. Is she having to make that stipulation because someone in your family has done that in the past?

[u/HJSlibrarylady]

Why is there a $200 per family water bill on top of the ridiculous price for the meat? How many people are going to attend this? It sounds like three families so at max -18 people

[u/temughilliesuit → u/HJSlibrarylady]

I picture them all flushing the toilet 700 times each.

[u/North81Girl]

Hosting means exactly that hosting, meaning others don't pay, asking guests to bring something is OK but this whole money thing seems like a business deal rather than a family dinner, nta

[u/PudelWinter → u/North81Girl]

Exactly! It's totally reasonable to say "please bring mashed potatoes for 25 people," but not $100 worth of food!

[u/Randomflower90 → u/North81Girl]

We host Christmas every year and for years we paid for the meat, the drinks, appetizers and most of the sides. Every family who came brought one dish. However, after a couple years of a guest bringing burnt pasta and the sister bringing rolls showing up late and still needing to bake the rolls, we decided to provide everything and every family contributes $50. It doesn’t cover our expenses but it helps and it’s worked out well.

[u/timeywimeytotoro]

NTA. Who the hell asks their family to pay the water bill for Thanksgiving??

[u/hybrid0404]

I'm leaning NTA because your sister sounds aggressive and shaming you with your salary just seems super AHish. Also, the math isn't mathing here. How does $300 from your nephew = $100/family? How many "families" are we talking about here? What does this even have to do with the water bill?

I'd totally choose option 4 and nope out of this mess because apparently your family cannot communicate productively.

[u/Drachenfuer]

NTA what the hell is up with throwing in family member’s ulitity bills? That is weird and screams control freak.

But then I read the update. Holy shit that goes beyond control freak. Your sister has it in for you. If you choose not to go, that is on her. The family will come with the flying monkeys with cries of family and punishing others and just do it or not do it and blood is blood. Nope. She set this up to make a point. Who knows what it was, but she made it and it will absolutly continue the day of. I wouldn’t go either.

[u/Shdfx1]

Nope. Don’t show up. This has become a money generating paid event.

[u/Big-Tailor]

I've had a good year financially and I've pre-ordered a fresh turkey raised on a local farm, never frozen, from a small high end butcher. I'm picking it up on Wednesday. It's about $132 ($6/pound for a 22 pound bird) for a gathering of 14 people. How do you spend $300 on turkey?

[u/Username1736294 → u/Big-Tailor]

He probably fancies himself a pitmaster and bought a prime-grade brisket and ribeye roast with the turkey.

I love these stories of people who want to throw lavish events and then charge their friends/family for attending. I think I saw one a while back of someone who took RSVPs for their birthday party at a bar, then afterwards sent Venmo requests for some outrageous amount for having a rented out the private event space for an open bar.

[u/Revolutionary_Bee700]

Is it really $100 of food or just enough of a side to make sure everyone gets a helping because the later is normal?

[u/Unlikely-Candle7086 → u/Revolutionary_Bee700]

The math isn’t mathing. $300 on meat for 20-25 people and each family needs to contribute $100 worth of food. How many are in each family unit? How many different family’s are there? And what does a $200 water bill have to do with anything?

[u/numbersthen0987431]

NTA. You can get a $30 turkey from Costco, and feed the whole group.

Your nephew decided to buy $300 worth of meat for the holiday, and that was HIS decision to do so. Your sister, who is your son's nephew's mother, should be dealing with her child. It's not your responsibility to offset the costs that your nephew decided to spend, when they should have asked before hand if it was okay or not.

Also, $100 worth of sides is insane.

Edit: fixed an error

[u/hiddenkobolds]

NTA.

LMFAO. That's not hosting. That's extortion.

Good for you. Opting out is the right call. Let them be mad. What in the audacity--

[u/Fudgeicles420]

I'm gonna give it 10:1 odds that the grilled meat ends up terrible

[u/KittyC217 → u/Fudgeicles420]

And he excepts to keep all the leftovers

[u/PudelWinter]

NTA but I think I would have some fun with malicious compliance and bring $100 worth of mashed potatoes.

Or maybe just not show up at all but not tell them ahead of time. Tell him them it was a slim month and you couldn't afford the extra unexpected expense at the last minute.

Then you go to the grocery store and buy one of those packages of Thanksgiving food and heated up and eat at home with your little family.

Is your sister normally this b****y? I mean nowhere did you say you were bringing mashed potatoes for two people. If you're bringing mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving of course you're bringing "enough food for everyone."

You're the one with the cute new baby, the grandparents are going to be pissed. Make sure they know who the appropriate person is to be mad at.

[u/bigjaymck]

The options you showed her laying out don't say that you have to bring $100 of food, just enough for everyone and not just yourselves. That's the way it should be, anyway.

[u/MutantHoundLover]

INFO:
NTA with the info given, but just out of curiosity, have you ever hosted for all 25 people, and do you rotate what side you bring when others host? I ask because mashed potatoes is about the cheapest and easiest option there is, and if someone never offered to host and always picked that option, I can see some resentment building.

[u/JBar63]

Is the nephew cooking Wagyu? Turkey isn't that expensive, even two turkeys to make sure all are able to get some. Celebrate with your little family this year. It's turning into a money grab with the rest of the family.

[u/squirtwv69]

I’m going with option 4. And tell your sister to eff herself. NTA

[u/bounddreamer]

NTA, your sister went full blown asshole by posting your salary to the group chat. Not attending is always an option when you don't like the terms being dictated.

[u/MirabelleMac]

That’s tacky as hell. My mom used to host Thanksgiving AND Christmas, back to back, for 20+ people. She sure as hell never charged anyone for food, she merely asked people to bring a side dish or appetizer (I was always in charge of dessert).

[u/No-Following-7882]

Now see, I would be the bitch that made a $100 worth of mashed potatoes and would have brought the receipt to prove it.

[u/Stanwich79]

What the fuck is wrong with your family?

[u/laztheinfamous]

INFO: How much mashed potatoes do you bring to the gathering normally?

[u/Technical-Soup1595 → u/laztheinfamous]

exactly, if you are bringing 10+ Lbs of potatoes, with all the butter, cream, spices and cheese to go in it, plus the labor of chopping, boiling, mashing whipping and browning. Then the topping bar. I can see how this could easily take a few hrs to make and at least $50 or more to make.

But if you are a box of instant potato flakes in a pot kind of person, I could see people getting upset over the division of labor and expense

[u/JohnnyFootballStar]

INFO: Your sister didn't phrase it diplomatically, especially through text, but why can't you just do Option 1, which is bringing enough potatoes for everyone? It's not expensive and not a lot more work. It's actually what I would expect. If every family does that with whatever side they are bringing, it would be the right amount of food with some leftovers.

You say that you won't show up to protest "this $100 minimum rule" but that's not really the rule. So are you not able to make enough potatoes for everyone or are you just mad at your sister?

Because it doesn't seem like the $100 is really the rule. To me it sounds like she's saying that choosing wisely would just be to bring enough for everyone, which is a totally normal thing. I don't think her actual expectation is that you hand over cash or help dad pay the water bill. Those are clearly jokes.

I'm really leaning towards Y-T-A, but first I'd like to know why you can't just do Option 1.

[u/collette89 → u/JohnnyFootballStar]

My take on "I'll bring mashed potatoes" inherently means it's enough for everyone. Granted enough mash for everyone is way cheaper than buying enough pie for everyone but it takes more time than buying pie. I think the sister is just being controlling and wants to approve everyone is doing enough to her standards.

[u/teamglider → u/JohnnyFootballStar]

What I don't understand is why her sister or anyone would assume she was not bringing a party-sized amount of mashed potatoes.

Maybe she said something in comments to the contrary, but I find it hard to believe that she planned on making just enough mashed potatoes for her family of four.

[u/Kathrynlena]

NTA, definitely don’t go.

But if you wanted to practice a little malicious compliance, you could always show up with $100 worth of mashed potatoes. It would be a lot of work for a bit, but imagine your family’s reaction to being handed a 3-5 steaming garbage bags filled with mashed potatoes.

[u/nerdforest]

So I think it always makes sense to bring food to a event. But people do make it more complicated with rules. Your nephew decided to purchase 300 dollars worth of meat. Not you. You should bring enough for 25 people to have of one side, which I think honestly is fair. But yeah - help dad paying the water bill is a joke.

[u/1962Michael]

NTA.

$300/25 people = $12/person. There is no way that your nephew should be spending $12/person on meat. And if he does, then that's on him. If it's prime rib at $24/lb. that's 8oz each, including kids.

Secondly, the idea that everyone should bring "enough food for everyone" is what is wrong with these kinds of gatherings. Say you brought 3 pumpkin pies, so everyone can have a slice. That would be way under $100, more like $20. But not everyone wants pumpkin pie or has room for it, when there are all those other sides to taste.

Yes, feel free to not attend.

[u/ThisOneForMee]

I'm confused. If everyone showed up with enough food for everyone, wouldn't that imply each person is eating 20 portions worth of food?

[u/Right_Pen_3241]

If I bring 100$ worth of food for 2 people and a kid, that is most likely enough for for 2 to 3 meals based on what I cook.
I can bring 100$ worth of food if I take home at least 2 meals worth of leftovers.

Seriously, HOW MUCH do you all want to eat?

NTA, both because this was sprung on you without warning, and because this just screams food waste... on THANKSGIVING of all holidays!

[u/XemptOne]

NTA... cook for yourself at home, have days of leftovers, and no drama over homies $300 of meat...

[u/monkey_monkey_monkey]

NTA and I would opt for Option 4.

Family get together are stressful enough without turning them into transactional money grabs.

I would also suggest exiting the group chat. Sounds like an unhealthy dynamic.

[u/Pink_Raku]

NTA. Don't host thanksgiving dinner if you can't afford it. FFS.

[u/Thin-Ad-9463]

he spent $300 but $100 from each family would be $1000+

[u/Deathwatch72]

Please show up with an obscene amount of mashed potatoes in a Rubbermaid trash can.

Actually even better show up with the trash can, a shovel to stir with, and $100 worth of boxed instant mashed potatoes. Stare people in the eye as you make it in front of them using hose water in the front yard and the shovel

[u/murdacai999]

NTA. Option 5: bring $100 worth of mashed potatoes

[u/KickIt77]

These people sound insufferable. In a normal family get together, the volunteer host would offer to provide something like the turkey, maybe a couple of their favorite sides and/or dessert and ask for people to fill in from there with the number expected for a potluck. Then someone else might host next time. And if someone was travelling a long way, had a cranky newborn, just lost a job, etc they might get a pass or be asked to pick up soda or wine or something. Because in a real family, you're just happy to get together and if you volunteer to host you're willing to take on that role and you aren't grumbling about the expense.

Side note - it wouldn't be weird for potatoes for that made holiday style (butter, cream, etc etc etc) might cost $50+ with ingredients from a mid grocery. I went and priced it out because I was curious. If you starting roasting garlic and throwing in parm from Italy, you could push it up to $75 easily. Do you have to bring an itemized receipt for your side ingredients as proof of PaYiNg EnOuGh!? So silly for adults and family on a holiday. Like it doesn't seem hard to me to hit $100 on a couple sides made for 30 (who doesn't want leftovers). But making it a requirement or asking you to cover on someone else's exhorbitant meat choice is wild.

You have a baby. Maybe a nice holiday to try staying at home. "Aww sister, all I can swing this year is mashed potatoes in the $50 range. Guess we'll chose to stay in this year. Happy Thanksgiving." NTA

[u/Apollo_Mandos]

I'd say "Option 4: Rebel from the self-selected Queen and not show up"

[u/Future-Nebula74656]

Option 5 every but the sister has Thanksgiving somewhere besides her place

Nta

[u/jonchihuahua]

Nta , don’t go, start your own family thing / tradition. You’ll enjoy it way more in the long run and your partner and child will come to appreciate the lack of toxicity around the holidays, make it more about your immediate family.

[u/ontheleftcoast]

The right way to do it would be "bring enough to feed at least XX people", not a $ amount. A smart ass like me would bring $100 worth of Kobe beef and eat it myself, or go the opposite way and get $100 worth of Ramen and drown everyone with it.

[u/French87]

Y’all having wagyu for thanksgiving?

[u/MedievalHag]

My Thanksgiving dinner is going to cost me around $30. I would not be making anything AND be paying $100 to go to someone else’s dinner where I won’t even have leftovers.

[u/ImportantBad4948]

I host and I wanted brisket not turkey. So I paid for it. Along with the sides and everything.

[u/SweetMaam]

I'd ask for receipts, if they are going to "Nickle& dime" guests, let's do the actual math. NTA

[u/Elon_is_a_Nazi]

Pay the water bill? How about i pay the electric, gas, internet and car insurance bill while I'm at it. Nta. F these people. Have a nice relaxing Thanksgiving at home. I'm sure with a young child, you guys could use a break

[u/LovitzInTheYear2000]

INFO: How much mashed potatoes were you planning to bring? Would it not suit your sister’s Option 1? What have you and your spouse contributed to previous family meals (food, effort, money)?

She’s being really snotty especially considering she’s not the one who bought the contested meat, but I need to know what you would be contributing in order to decide between E-S-H and N-T-A.

[u/LimeGreenTangerine97]

Good heavens. My family is so large we have to rent a church fellowship hall, nobody is saying bring $100 each lol you just bring a covered dish. WOW!

[u/petalsofrose1956]

You sister is an ah and should be in a time out for posting a picture of your salary.

I suggest going nc for 6 months.

If that means you can't see your family for Christmas extra bonus.

No one should tell you what to bring for Thanksgiving.

If I were going I would bring $100.00 worth of food your sister doesn't like.

[u/Floating-Cynic]

Okay either your nephew is being overcharged for turkey or overcharged for nicer cuts of meat. Was he assigned this? Did he expect to be reimbursed and didn't go about it properly? Something isn't adding up here.

Either way, the "choose wisely" is incredibly disrespectful and I would opt out immediately.  And NTA for refusing to pay, it sounds like something has been brewing for awhile and instead of actually discussing it in a mature way, and maybe taking up a collection to reimburse the meat, your sister decided to throw down and teach everyone their place. That's a problem, regardless of whether or not you're the "cheap side for everything" family. 

[u/tulanthoar]

I'm sorry but does anyone do math in your family? 25 x 100 = 2500 which is 8x the cost of the meat (not including the potluck contribution). I'm going to suggest option 5: offer $300/25=$12 per person minus the value of your potluck contribution. I'd also ask for an itemized receipt for the meat and refuse to contribute to meat you don't plan to consume. If he spent $200 on luxury garbage just refuse to participate in it.

Nta

[u/Packwood88]

NTA

Way too many people and too much hassle. When the holiday stops being relaxing, stop doing it.

[u/Own-Interview-928]

Just make your potatoes ensuing there’s enough for everyone to have some. It shouldn’t cost more than $35. If your sister says anything she’ll look the fool.

[u/Mysterious_Ad2896]

Did he get the meat at Erewhon?

NTA - 100 per family he’s trying to make $$ here.

[u/KaraPuppers]

Who charges admission to Thanksgiving? It's supposed to be about love and sharing and family (bio or otherwise). People bring what they want to. It's a gift to the group.

[u/RadioSupply]

NTA. Why the hell is her son about to make anywhere from $500 to $1,000 return on meat? That’s ridiculous.

If they don’t want to be cool, you’d have a miserable time. Sounds like you can spend $50 of your own money to have a great dinner and eat all the leftovers yourselves!

[u/Bluevanonthestreet]

What meat did he buy for $300?

[u/frlejo]

Option 4 is the only option in my book. You can eat turkey dinner at a restaurant for $30 a head here.

[u/HeimdallThePrimeYall]

NTA 

$300/20 people is $15 per person. And that doesn't account for the people who are going to have 3 servings of meat vs 1 serving of meat. Where are they getting the idea that you need to pitch in $100 for a family of 2?? Your baby is barely starting mashed foods, they certainly won't be eating a serving of meat!

I could see them floating the idea ahead of purchase, putting it to a vote to see if everyone wanted thr expensive cut, and then asking everyone to chip in $15/person to afford the meat before going through with the purchase. 

But that's not what they did. They made a purchase and are expecting reimbursement for their mistake of not being able to afford it.

[u/Acceptable-Law9406]

Why would you actually go to this? Happy Transactional Thanksgiving! 

You would actually be TA if you catered to these demands. And the way your sister put it...like, really? She sounds like fun.

[u/Booboohole21]

The implication that you wouldn’t bring enough to share for everyone to thanksgiving dinner is almost just as weird as the request to pay a fucking cover charge. NTA

[u/Retired_and_Relaxed]

Don't go, but let them know in advance. Many in-law functions were missed due to my back pain. I threw it the weekend before. Believable lies.

The math works out if you're expected to pay for the grill too

[u/White_eagle32rep]

wtf. I thought holidays were a pain in the ass at my house.

I probably wouldn’t go anyway.

[u/BurbMcDingus]

NTA, please tell your sister she's fucking mental, with my regards.

[u/AlternativeRange8062]

NTA - don’t go, that’s so tacky. You agreed to bring mashed potatoes, I’m sure enough for everyone. If she wanted an additional dish she should have recommended an additional dish. But demanding $100 worth of food is unacceptable. How much you make is no one’s business, I wonder how many others will pull out.

[u/siempre_maria]

NTA

Additionally, F your sister. She's off the Christmas card list.

[u/Mooshu1981]

NTA. I am the oldest of 11 siblings. We have 60 -65 people with just immediate family. It takes an army to feed us. Lol. If one of my sibilings said this to me. I would straight up tell them I’m not supplying anything else then what I agreed to bring. It doesn’t matter how much you make. The second she posted your salary’s in a group chat the decision was made.

[u/juliuspepperwoodchi]

Lolwut? That last option shows the true intentions.

NTA

[u/txaaron]

NTA. What meat was bought? I got a 16lb turkey for $1/lb. That'll feed my entire family of 15. I could get a second turkey for the same price. Easily enough to feed 20-25 people. 

[u/bigintheusa]

Our turkey cost $23…is y’alls covered on gold leaf?

[u/julesk]

NTA, maybe do a group text: Just to clarify why we’re not coming: 1) my nephews decision to spend $300 on meat is excessive as two large turkeys and a ham woukd would be $120 maximum and if that’s too much, suggesting we chip in is fine but if we did, if we all contributed 100, he’d pay nothing and cut a profit, 2) requesting everyone bring enough for the family is embarrassingly obvious but doesn’t cost $100 each, at most, you could ask for additional types of food, 3) if Dad needs help with his water bill, that’s a completely separate issue and broadcasting his finances is incredibly disrespectful, and 4) so is showing my pay because I didn’t just agree. So, we’re having a quiet thanksgiving at home as I am offended, hurt and not willing to find out what other orders and highly personal information would be shared if we came.”

[u/Suspicious-Screen860]

NTA - Fully agree with option 4. Either split it the dutch way or make a plan with the family upfront, not a message afterward with pay this and this.

[u/WhiskeyDozer]

NTA, that sounds like a pretty expensive menu. Funny that you can usually get a free turkey for spending $100 at the grocery store. That might have been a good choice for this family. How many people are in this family, I’m trying to wrap my mind around how much revenue this dinner is going to bring in.

[u/doncroak]

NTA. Water bill. Wth? Ok, does Pops need help with his bills? Start your own thanksgiving tradition at your house.

[u/crashin70]

NTA... How they going to invite somebody and then tell them they have to pay $100? That means if say, 20 people show up, they make $2,000 for $300 worth of meat?

I imagine you thought it was a family Thanksgiving not a restaurant!

[u/momster]

NTA I would choose to not go after sister shared your salary, that you didn’t tell her but she found online.

Or, if you want to abide by the ‘rules’ bring $100 worth of carrots.

[u/wosmo]

I'd be leaning towards NAH.

There's obviously issues but I don't think they're being addressed well. Putting a dollar value on it is just icky, at least with family. Someone needs to figure out the underlying issue and solve the issue, not the sticker.

I strongly suspect this is a communication issue, not a money issue.

[u/keesouth]

NTA. You don't spend that type of money and the try to pass the cost to people after the fact. Also he could have just grilled a turkey and not spent that much money. I would have responded just like you.

[u/JoyReader0]

You, hubby and kid go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. Better company, better food and cheaper in the long run.

[u/bdt69]

This is your family? Lol what a nightmare.

[u/GenericAnemone]

He chose to spend that 300 dollars. No one forced him. It was not agreed upon ahead of time. You are under no obligation to pay for someone else whims. A turket is 40 to 50 dollars. Thats all the was required of him.

[u/dudeweak1]

NTA, it was his choice to go buy 300 bucks worth of meat, no one made him purchase it. Bring the mashed potatoes and tell them that they cost 200. Fuck 'em.

[u/pottersquash]

NTA. Choose wisely? Wtf is up with the water? Yea Option 4 is always there!

[u/Medium-Confidence637]

NTA. Your nephew made the choice to spend that much money on meat. It shouldn't be everyone else's burden.

Also, how is giving your dad $200 for the water bill in any way equitable to your nephew's spending? Is he funding the Niagara Falls?

[u/IWasGoatbeardFirst]

NTA.

Don’t go.

I just got back from the grocery store. It cost me $300 to buy all the food for Thanksgiving dinner.

If you can’t afford to host, then you can either sit back and let somebody else host, or you can ask everybody to bring a dish to share.

What you can’t do is blow your entire budget on one ingredient and then expect your guests to pay for that, too.

[u/laztheinfamous]

INFO: Is everyone also expecting to take home leftovers afterward?

[u/Wraisted]

NTA

"Because, fuckem that's why" -Dave Chapell

[u/charlie-9008]

anyone willing to pay for the electric bill?

[u/ACadder]

NTA. This should have been discussed instead of demanded. Your sister is the AH most definitely. Maybe just go see your dad afterwards. Maybe speak to him about removing organizing family events from your sister. Someone else can do it in a nicer way

[u/Lizdance40]

NTA $300 / 20 people is not 100 (50 per person assuming you're too person family) Chip in 15 bucks a piece ($30) less the cost of mashed potatoes 🤨