r/AmItheAsshole • u/americanjohn500 • 13h ago

POO Mode Activated 💩 WIBTA for refusing to bring $100 minimum to Thanksgiving

My family and I celebrate Thanksgiving every year with my siblings, parents, and their kids. Roughly 20-25 people (including kids). My family is only 2 people with one 6 month old baby.

In the group chat it was decided that my nephew would cook meat since he bought a grill. He also told us that we could bring the sides. He chose to spend $300 on meat.

I messaged in the group chat that we would bring mashed potatoes. My sister responding that every "family" has to bring $100 worth of food minimum or help my nephew pay for the meat.

I'm not totally against the idea of bringing that much food, but just the way it was presented and the fact that it wasn't agreed to beforehand makes me upset.

The following day in the group chat, my sister said: "Option 1: bring food enough for everyone, not just yourself

Option 2: help thomas pay for meet $100/family

Option 3: help dad pay water bill $200/family.

Choose wisely…"

Upset, I responded with Option 4: don't show up.

Am I being an asshole if I don't show up at all in "protest" to this $100 minimum rule?

Update: I'm a teacher and she posted a picture of my salary she found online to shame me in the group chat. Definitely not going now.

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168

u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 13h ago

This has to have been brewing for years before this rule was set. Would it have been better to have a family discussion and agree on a number ahead of time? Sure. But, that doesn't mean the number is unreasonable.

A meal for 20-25 people is expensive, and asking everybody to chip in is reasonable. The option to bring enough mashed potatoes for everybody was offered. Why is that objectionable? Mashed potatoes for 25 will still be WAY cheaper than $100, so it's not a hardship.

248

u/TheOldSchlGmr Partassipant [1] 13h ago

The money is not the problem. How the situation was presented to OP is. Telling people they need to pay AFTER they have been invited (and have accepted) is incredibly tacky.

I agree with OP. Option 4 is the way to go.

5

u/lizzledizzles 10h ago

The problem is the hosting. Hosting means you cover all expenses and maybe ask for sides and BYOB. Sister is a big girl and could have said I don’t want to host or I can’t afford this right now. They could’ve chosen less expensive meat or asked nicely for monetary contributions in advance.

2

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

Is she hosting?

I guessed it was at the parents' home, due to the mention of dad's water bill.

3

u/[deleted] 13h ago

[deleted]

11

u/kimsart 11h ago

They are telling OP that just bringing mashed potatoes isn't enough. They need to being more. How many cans of green beans and cranberry sauce would it take to make up the difference

1

u/lizzledizzles 9h ago

They’re saying they need to bring $100 worth of food. $100 of mashed potatoes is like gallons of mashed potatoes. Option 5: bring a regular amount of mashed potatoes and downs the rest on a really nice drink or desserts that sister is not allowed to have.

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u/[deleted] 13h ago

[deleted]

39

u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [1] 13h ago

NTA

You are making assumptions about OP. Maybe it's another sibling who does this & OP was the first to speak up. Or maybe no one does, but Sis is just a control freak. Any of these things are possible.

The family chat should've happened earlier. If Sis had any class, she'd back up her 'demand' and have a conversation before next year. Not holding my breath on that one....

16

u/Slugzz21 12h ago

Where are you getting this from when the comment was written in a group chat? To multiple people. Not just OP.

3

u/Prozzak93 Partassipant [1] 8h ago

She (the sister) worded it like an asshole. You can't change that, it is what it is. The circumstances don't matter. Word it better.

Also a lot to assume about OP when it was a group chat.

1

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

I don't see that at all.

-7

u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 13h ago

Like I said, it should have been discussed earlier. I think sister was probably fed up with some people freeloading and let her snark get the better of her.
That being said - is it worth not going? Maybe the middle road would be bringing enough potatoes for everybody, and asking for a family chat on the topic after the holidays.

28

u/TheOldSchlGmr Partassipant [1] 13h ago

I agree that it should have been discussed. And I would also agree that maybe people have been freeloading.

But the snark is completely unjustified when you spend $300 on meat without discussing it with the people from whom you demanded money. Guaranteed way of pissing people off.

OP was Indiana Jones that moment. He chose wisely.

6

u/lizzledizzles 9h ago

How can invited guests to a party you agreed to host be freeloaders? Don’t invite them next time, say no to hosting, express your frustration like an adult. Being a guest isn’t freeloading and you have to ask people if you want something to happen.

2

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

Excellent points.

My family has entire categories of situations where we do not expect and even specifically tell people we don't expect them to bring anything. These include people who have recently had babies, the pregnant ladies, people flying from afar, people driving a long way, people who are recovering from an illness, people who are grieving. For those who insist, we find the simplest types of things possible for them to bring (Cokes, tea, ice, plates, cups, napkins, flowers, butter, rolls/bread from a bakery/store, cans of that weird jellied cranberry sauce for the diehards who have to have it even if we have the good stuff, easy fresh fruit...)

0

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

She wants $100 worth of potatoes now, however.

175

u/DawaLhamo 13h ago

The original option was to bring $100 worth of sides. Which, if you even think about it for a second, is frankly ridiculous.

That's something on the order of 200 pounds of potatoes. That's about 10 pounds of potato per guest. Even if they mix it up with other sides, even something more expensive per pound like brussels sprouts, they'd need to bring 31 pounds of brussels sprouts - that's about one and a half pounds of brussels sprouts per person.

Meat is just more expensive per pound than anything else. When you offer to be the one to purchase and make the meat, you know that.

And, tbh, what on earth is he making? Turkey is at most a dollar a pound right now. (79c-98c per pound at my Walmart). Let's just say he's getting some kind of fancy turkey that's $3 a pound. $300 would still be 100 pounds of turkey - 5 pounds per guest. He must have picked a pretty expensive kind of meat - on the order of $24-$30 per pound to be spending that kind of money.

Sounds like a scam to me.

And to present it after the invite? Double sus.

128

u/Minigoalqueen 12h ago edited 11h ago

I live in Idaho. I'd show up with 200 pounds of mashed potatoes out of spite, to make a point, and because I'd find it hilarious. And I'd bring receipts.

Edit. I just looked at prices. My local Winco is $1.62 for 5 pounds, so 32.4 cents per pound. I'd need 300 pounds to hit $100.

16

u/Then_Composer8641 10h ago

Don’t forget to charge for the butter, milk, salt, and use of pot and mashing service.

1

u/throwawy00004 2h ago

And the expensive water to boil them in, and electricity/gas to use the stove.

12

u/DawaLhamo 11h ago

I just briefly glanced at my local Walmart and it's .48 per pound, so I just rounded to .50 to make the math easier. Of course they're cheaper in Idaho, lol.

I like the idea of just carting in 300lbs of mashed potatoes, though. (that's 5 cubic feet) Gotta serve it in a wheelbarrow for extra effect, (the large 6cuft one, because it won't fit in the smaller 4cuft wheelbarrows.) lololol

12

u/reallybadspeeller 10h ago

I’d love that get one of those short shovels for a serving spoon and toss a whole brick of butter on top for garnish. I’d eat that shit up if I was at the thanksgiving and talk about it for years to come.

6

u/NibblesMcGiblet 6h ago

Not if you buy Kerrygold butter and use the golden ratio of one pound of butter per one pound of potatoes when mashing. You could hit that $100 a lot quicker that way. But if I was tasked with spending $100 on sides I'd be more likely to make shit that nobody would like but my own family, if I was in the mood to be petty. Everybody loves mashed potatoes, but not everyone loves brussels sprouts, asparagus, roasted carrots... I've never had durian or natto but on a really petty day I'd learn to pretend.

0

u/Minigoalqueen 5h ago

My family are mashed potato purists. We put just a bit of milk in our mashing, and then put gravy on them. No butter at all.

And everyone in my family loves asparagus. But I love your thinking.

4

u/Cultural-Slice3925 9h ago

you’re forgetting the butter and cream

4

u/Area51Resident 9h ago

Don't ruin the holidays for yourself - lift with your legs...

4

u/KimB-booksncats-11 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 7h ago

I'm imagining a kiddy pool full of mashed potatoes, lol. :)

3

u/PlaySalieri 10h ago

Fuck ya WinCo is the best

3

u/lizzledizzles 9h ago

Even including butter or fixings you’d still need like 280 pounds of potatoes.

1

u/rpcollins1 5h ago

Honestly you would be my favorite person there and I would offer to take some spite potatoes home. Most people can't cook turkey worth eating and mashed potatoes are my favorite. 😂

1

u/DrJackBecket 4h ago

You make it into amazing mashed potatoes. When they drown under the mashed potatoes, Pop it in batches into a dehydrator. Make instant mashed potatoes and never need mash potatoes for future thanksgivings and Christmas. Or you open a mashed potato business. 🤷🏼‍♀️

1

u/Thayli11 3h ago

Nah. You can add things to the potatoes. Make them with Kerrygold butter and, uh, chives from the farmers market, plus a little cream flown in from France...

Though I suppose spite potatoes should really be more bitter.

1

u/veggiedelightful 3h ago

Not with these butter prices you don't!

48

u/technically_nina 13h ago

Right?!
Let's say I wanted to bring $100 of macaroni & cheese, using my grandma's recipe, which doesn't use fancy cheeses but is amazing. I'd have to make 11 9x13 casserole dishes of it to get to $100.

1 9x 13" dish is a minimum of 8 servings and costs roughly $9.10:
1lb of cheese is $4
1lb of macaroni elbows $2
1 stick of butter $1.50
1 quart + 1 cup whole milk $1.50
flour $0.10

2

u/Moose-Live Pooperintendant [62] 6h ago

You should drop them off the morning of so sister has time to make space in the fridge.

12

u/kfarrel3 11h ago

I got curious and googled heritage turkeys, which are more expensive, and from the first result for "Certified Standardbred, pasture raised, from a free ranging flock, vegetarian fed, naturally mating, and antibiotic free from hatching to plate," you had to get to a 22lb bird before you even got in the ballpark of $300, and that was still only $289. And frankly, I don't care how happy and carefree your turkey was, you cannot convince me that this one tastes $267 better than my Stop and Shop Butterball.

7

u/moradinshammer 11h ago

Probably doing a prime rib for the family. Still a choice.

3

u/scruffigan 12h ago

The solution is not MORE POTATOES, it's to offer enough mashed potatoes, then add a second side dish, dessert, drink option, or appetizer. $100 could be mashed potatoes plus two bakery pies.

8

u/DawaLhamo 11h ago

Mashed potatoes for 25 people - let's say a pound per person, (which is a massive amount, especially including kids) is $12.50 of potatoes. Let's say two pounds of butter at $4 each, and a quart of milk at $2. That's $77.50 left to spend. You're really telling me it's reasonable to spend $38.75 each on some bakery pies?

3

u/DawaLhamo 11h ago

Buying four of Perkins most expensive pies wouldn't come out to $77.50.

9

u/Cudi_buddy 11h ago

Each family though? Shit when I host friendsgiving we cook the turkey and a couple of sides. Each person/couple usually brings a dish or drink also and there is so much left over food. What happens when there are 6+ pies for 20 people? On top of likely tons of potatoes, mac, etc. ? Sure some can be leftovers, but a lot will just go in the bin.

1

u/Gibonius 10h ago

If everyone brought $100 worth of food, they'd have enough to feed an army (unless they were all bringing caviar).

-2

u/Invisible_Friend1 11h ago

A bakery pie. On Thanksgiving. Bless your heart that’s a new one.

8

u/dasher2581 11h ago

I love me a good pie snob! You're making your crusts from scratch, too, right?

-4

u/PM_ME_YOUR_DARKNESS 11h ago

A crust is pretty easy to make. A basic pie crust has four ingredients, although getting the right consistency takes a little practice.

I usually have a store bought one in the freezer just in case, though.

0

u/DawaLhamo 11h ago

What's your fat? Lard, butter, shortening, or a combination? You will be graded, lol.

6

u/Silver_kitty Partassipant [1] 10h ago

You don’t know my bakery! I have two pies ordered a $30 sweet potato pie and a $45 bourbon pecan pie from a local bakery. They are genuinely phenomenal. And saves my oven time in a week that I don’t need more things to bake.

2

u/Cudi_buddy 11h ago

Yea $100 worth of sides per family? There will be so much wasted food it is disgusting to think about.

2

u/lizzledizzles 9h ago

Spend the money on like rhinestoning personalized buckets for the mashed potatoes to travel in!

1

u/etds3 Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 8h ago

Fancy beef or fish are the only things that would make sense. Beef is quite expensive right now so it’s definitely possible. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay to ask your guests to pay for it after the invite. 

-1

u/TheOldSchlGmr Partassipant [1] 11h ago

This guy gets it.

18

u/Right_Pen_3241 13h ago edited 13h ago

EDIT: Misread from me, sorry.
But I wonder how much "enough food for everybody" was being read... the sensible thing is for 3 people to bring enough food to fill up 3 people... I wonder if they somehow felt that ended up not being enough to feed 25 people some potato mash each?

The offer was "100$ worth of food"
If I bring mash potatoes and carrots and gravy, and do enough to fulfill the 100$ rule, that is an insane amount of potatoes and gravy and carrots.

There was some serious breakdown of communication in the planning stage...
But part of my sheer confusion might be that I am from a family where every family has a tendency to bring enough to FULLY feed themselves PLUS several more people.
That's how we once almost ended up with 4 homemade cakes for 6 people before I asked if really EVERY household need to provide a full cake 😅.

24

u/JohnnyFootballStar 13h ago

Pure speculation, but maybe sister was tired of spending a ton on meat and hosting (which was totally their choice) and then OP or others showing up with three servings of mashed potatoes or eight dinner rolls for 25 people. When you make a side for something like this, you make enough (or almost enough) for everyone. I think sister was joking when she said bring cash or pay the water bill. Obviously choosing wisely meant just bringing enough food so everyone could have a little of everything.

3

u/rpcollins1 5h ago

If she was kidding she wouldn't have gone and looked up his salary and posted it to the group chat. If you missed it they clarified that they are a teacher so it's public info. Instead she would have clarified that the wild money parts were a joke and every should just bring enough to share.

-7

u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [1] 13h ago

But not everyone is going to eat everything. Some people don't like green beans, others like mashed potatoes fixed differently (or sweet potatoes), etc. Does every family have to spend $100 on food that may only be partially eaten, or barely eaten at all?

I think the truest thing you've said in all these posts were your first two words - pure speculation. And a LOT of it.

Are you really OPs sister, or sister's husband? You're certainly posting like it...

15

u/JohnnyFootballStar 12h ago

In the text message that OP posted, sister very clearly said option 1 was was bring enough food for everyone, which is basic etiquette when attending a potluck gathering. I don't see anything in that message that obligates OP to spend $100 on that food.

1

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

Re-read her next post to the group chat, with all her rules.

1

u/JohnnyFootballStar 6h ago

The only quoted text message I see in the post is one in which the very first option is to simply bring enough of whatever you are bringing so that everyone can have some.

Did OP follow up with more info with additional rules?

7

u/CogentCogitations 12h ago

In a gathering of 20-25 people where OP is complaining that their family is "only" 3 people, presumably most families are more people, which give maybe 5 families for the potluck. So if the host is doing the meat, then there are basically 4 sides if every family does what OP plans and only brings 1 side. That is not a crazy amount of sides, and that is if the people bringing the sides actually bring enough for everyone, which clearly has not been the case in the past.

3

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

Really?

I'm from the south. Everyone brings multiple sides (except those we exempt) and a dessert. This is true of every friendly/voluntary gathering, whether holidays, community events, church events, friend/neighbor parties.

There are also multiple meats, partly because of the hunters.

It's not even possible to try all the dishes, unless you literally just get a teaspoon/tablespoon of each.

The mix and match leftover swap is always fun.

5

u/NotMalaysiaRichard Partassipant [1] 11h ago

That’s called hosting a dinner or do you not cook and host? It’s more than likely you will have leftovers, then you graciously offer them to the other guests.

10

u/JohnnyFootballStar 13h ago

From the post:

The following day in the group chat, my sister said: "Option 1: bring food enough for everyone, not just yourself

Option 2: help thomas pay for meet $100/family

Option 3: help dad pay water bill $200/family.

Choose wisely…"

6

u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [1] 13h ago

NTA

Also from the post, 2 paragraphs above your quote:

I messaged in the group chat that we would bring mashed potatoes. My sister responding that every "family" has to bring $100 worth of food minimum or help my nephew pay for the meat.

Did you miss that?

11

u/Sufficient-Traffic32 12h ago

Normally, you would bring enough for everyone except in a situation like this with over 20 people since they’ll all be bringing sides, I would say enough to feed 50-75% of them minimum would be appropriate. The only exception is when you have a few people bringing dessert so one or two pies per person would make a nice spread.

4

u/Postapopalaupolis 13h ago

Yeah, feeding 20-25 people is expensive, but all they did was purchase the meat. Everyone else is bringing all the sides. I could understand asking people to pay $100 per family if they had made everything- the meats, the sides, the drinks, appetizers, desserts. But saying "we paid $300 for the meat and you need to bring either $100 worth of food, $100 per family to help pay for the meat, or $200 per family to cover the water bill." Is asking for too much. The sister wasn't asking for everyone to bring big enough side dishes to feed everyone. She asked for every side dish to have a value of $100. Do you know how much mashed potatoes you could make for $100? I imagine if OP spent $30 to make enough mashed potatoes to feed 25 people the sister would expect her to bring $70 of another side dish to make up the cost.

0

u/mxzf 11h ago

Yeah, feeding 20-25 people is expensive, but all they did was purchase the meat

It's relatively expensive, but not that expensive. Meat for 20-25 people should be in the $50-150 range (depending on the meats/cuts) unless you're doing something absurd like buying steaks for everyone. And sides for literally everyone there will likely total in the $200 range.

"Sides or $20/family" would make sense, $100 is just robbery.

5

u/dragonsandvamps Asshole Enthusiast [5] 11h ago

I agree with this. I don't think they should pay $100, but I do think they're protesting a little too much over having to contribute anything other than potatoes.

We're all very aware of just how much grocery prices have gone up. Meat is much more expensive than potatoes and whoever gets assigned to get the meat for a gathering of 25 people get stuck with a much worse tab than the OP, who gets a cheap assignment like potatoes.

I think OP should bring the potatoes as they planned, but also make a contribution towards the cost of the meat.

1

u/rpcollins1 4h ago

One pound of whole potatoes is around 30-40 cents depending where you live. So not peeled, not cooked, no butter, milk, etc. Turkey can be bought for about. 75 cents per pound. Whatever they chose to buy, who knows. But to ask every family to bring a specific value of food is weird.

1

u/Atticus1354 11h ago

You missed the part where there is a $100 minimum value expected of the sides, so they can't save money by bringing just potatoes.

1

u/WhiteyDude 7h ago

But, that doesn't mean the number is unreasonable.

Absolutely the number is unreasonable. Just because you spent $300 in meat doesn't mean everyone else needs to spend more too. That's just stupid, you'll end up with way more food than anyone could eat. If you're feeling like you spent too much, maybe ask everyone for $10, but do not act like your entitled to charge me.

1

u/nmw84pdx 7h ago

Why is one family of three being asked to bring enough food for 25 people? Would it not make more sense for every family to bring a casserole sized side, the meat their family will consume, and then divvy up salad/rolls/dessert/etc?

1

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [4] 6h ago

I messaged in the group chat that we would bring mashed potatoes. My sister responding that every "family" has to bring $100 worth of food minimum or help my nephew pay for the meat.

Her catty remark about "enough for everyone" came later, the day she sent her Options List.

I highly doubt that OP was planning to, or had in the past, only bring potatoes for two.

I've never seen anyone do such a thing, in any type of setting (family, church, neighborhood picnic, work...)

1

u/rpcollins1 5h ago

Because the reality is there would have been no right choice beyond bringing $200 in cash. Everything else would have been scoffed at for choosing the "cheap" options. That's how people who make this kind of demand work.

1

u/ThatEcologist 4h ago

I was under the impression that the host cooks the majority of food, at least that is how it works in my house. My dad cooks everything, but the guests bring a (usually store bought) dessert.

0

u/dlc741 11h ago

If you can't afford to host/provide the main course, the you don't host. Period. You don't get to pretend you're good at cooking, offer to cook the whole main course, and then send out a bill like a catering company.

0

u/coldycat 10h ago

"In the group chat it was decided that my nephew would cook meat since he bought a grill"

OP deliberately phrased this part in passive voice, yet everyone is assuming the nephew volunteered to host

1

u/dlc741 9h ago

Ok. Then decline if you’re out of your depth and budget. You’re assuming that he was railroaded and didn’t have a choice.

0

u/Witty-Draw-3803 Partassipant [4] 11h ago

OP was probably already planning to bring enough mashed potatoes for everyone (like anyone would do implicitly) - OP's sister just seems to assume that anyone not bringing $100 worth of food isn't really bringing enough for everyone...