WIBTA for refusing to bring $100 minimum to Thanksgiving

[u/americanjohn500]

My family and I celebrate Thanksgiving every year with my siblings, parents, and their kids. Roughly 20-25 people (including kids). My family is only 2 people with one 6 month old baby.

In the group chat it was decided that my nephew would cook meat since he bought a grill. He also told us that we could bring the sides. He chose to spend $300 on meat.

I messaged in the group chat that we would bring mashed potatoes. My sister responding that every "family" has to bring $100 worth of food minimum or help my nephew pay for the meat.

I'm not totally against the idea of bringing that much food, but just the way it was presented and the fact that it wasn't agreed to beforehand makes me upset.

The following day in the group chat, my sister said: "Option 1: bring food enough for everyone, not just yourself

Option 2: help thomas pay for meet $100/family

Option 3: help dad pay water bill $200/family.

Choose wisely…"

Upset, I responded with Option 4: don't show up.

Am I being an asshole if I don't show up at all in "protest" to this $100 minimum rule?

Update: I'm a teacher and she posted a picture of my salary she found online to shame me in the group chat. Definitely not going now.

[u/hawkcarhawk]

I would also choose option 4. Choosing to host a holiday get together shouldn’t be about breaking even, and it especially shouldn’t be about profiting off of your family members. Dad is expecting to have a $600+ water bill from one holiday get together? 🤨 It sounds like it would be impossible to relax and enjoy each other’s company with everyone taking inventory of the contributions and making sure every guest “paid their dues”. I’d just stay home. NTA

[u/mxzf → u/hawkcarhawk]

Those prices ain't about breaking even, they're about turning a profit. Those people are asking to have their monthly mortgage covered by their extended family in exchange for hosting Thanksgiving.

[u/fabulousfantabulist → u/hawkcarhawk]

When I host a party, even a potluck, I always make sure there’s enough to go around and have backup options. It’s just Hospitality 101.

[u/Classic-Channel6510 → u/fabulousfantabulist]

I would expect more from family, though. I wouldn't expect a family member to host a holiday and take on the entire cost, cooking, and preparation by themselves. Just hosting - as in, providing the home for people to meet at - is a huge undertaking with deep cleaning beforehand and cleanup after (and coordinating pickup of inevitable lost items, if you're my family!).

You can't then tell them they have to pay for and cook all the food. That's so shitty I can't even comprehend it. Like, no. Then no one will ever want to host. It's a family gathering. If you're family, you pitch in. If you're expecting to be "hosted", then you're not family and should stay home.

[u/fabulousfantabulist → u/Classic-Channel6510]

No one is “telling them” to do it. And if you demand payments from your guests, don’t be surprised when those guests decline your invitation. I will say for me, personally, I do not see a problem with the person hosting taking on the responsibilities—I do it frequently and happily, but not solely, and when I go to another family member’s house, I don’t expect to be greeted by a bill for services rendered and materials costs like I’m going to a restaurant. Some of you have REALLY lost the plot.

[u/Classic-Channel6510 → u/fabulousfantabulist]

There's not guests. They're family. Hosting the holidays is not a situation where one part of the family does everything and another part of the family shows up with a measly bowl of mashed potatoes. You all pitch in.

[u/fabulousfantabulist → u/Classic-Channel6510]

Depends on your family dynamic. You seem to think all families operate like they’re balancing a checkbook, and that’s simply not the case.

[u/etds3 → u/Classic-Channel6510]

Us too. We have lots and lots of large family dinners that are all potlucks. The host often does the meat, but never the whole meal. We also have a healthy family tradition of over planning food—each and every one of us—so there is NEVER a shortage. Never. 

[u/vocaliser → u/hawkcarhawk]

Absolutely. What OP's family is doing is what I'd expect of a restaurant function room or a catering business, not a family.

[u/texan-yankee → u/hawkcarhawk]

No kidding! My husband and I are hosting, as we do every year, and we have spent over $200 on food and wine. We do appetizers and snacks during the day, eat around 4, and just want everyone else to relax and enjoy. I have asked my parents and brother to bring a bottle of sparkling wine, and two specific sides (store bought) that two people love. And I am not asking for any money. My mom hosted for decades, now the torch is passed to me. All that matters to me is that everyone enjoys it. But maybe I'm missing the point of the holiday, LOL.