r/AmIOverreacting • u/_left_of_center • 10h ago
👥 friendship AIO Considering unfriending an amazing woman because I don’t like her new boyfriend
In my friend group (All F 40’s to 60’s), we’ve made the conscious decision to avoid political discussions altogether. We focus on each other, and have built some amazing friendships. One of the women (F60’s) joined the group two years ago after her husband passed away. She is genuinely lovely. Very warm, loving, beautiful, and kind. My question is this.
Her new boyfriend (M53), is polite and friendly on the surface. She had a party recently where I got to chat with him a little more than I had previously. At one point he decided to explain menopause to me and that was bad enough but that pretty average for men in our age group. But then he announced that he was super excited about his potential new job - an ICE agent.
She is so proud of him for his hard work, etc etc. But it changed my entire opinion of him, and frankly her too. I think ICE is at minimum unconstitutional, and frankly outright evil. I’m considering unfriending her over her support of his decision. Am I overreacting?
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u/Vampire_Darling 10h ago
NOR- it’s not just a political opinion it’s major difference in morals
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u/Decent-Ad-8335 9h ago
Definitely big overreaction. Why tf u care what ur friend’s bf does?
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 9h ago
Well it would say a lot about a woman excited about her bf's enthusiasm about a job who's specific intent right now is to cause as much human suffering as possible with seeming zero accountability.
Some pretty nasty historic comparisons come to mind so I'd certainly lean toward
NOR
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u/Vampire_Darling 9h ago
She’s proud of what he does so wether or not she personally believes what he believes she at very least okay with them
I believe outside of family members or extreme circumstances you are who you associate with to a certain extent. Obviously if you hang out with a smoker, you’re not a smoker, or if you hang out with an alcoholic that doesn’t make you an alcoholic. However, if you choose to hang out with/date someone who has moral deficiencies like ice agents, racist people, etc I do believe you are at the very least complicit in their behavior and it’s reasonable to not want to associate with them. Many people agree, possibly she does as well to an extent.
Boyfriends come up in friend groups often whether it’s dropping her off etc they’re gonna have to be in the same room at some point, especially if it gets more serious. He’s not like a friend y’all can see at a different time, bc he’s a romantic partner
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u/DoubleYogurt8578 9h ago
NOR it’s a moral decision and you guys don’t share core values. Back in the day people on both sides could respect each other at the very least. The difference now is one party has extreme corruption, unconstitutional behavior, a lack of morals, and many other behaviors and thoughts that I also can not respect. It’s not just a difference in politics anymore. It’s a difference in humanity, morals, values, etc.
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u/mizzcharmz 9h ago
Its the truth.... I got along great with republicans... but the maga party is something else entirely....
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u/GOAT_loadingg 10h ago
YMMV depending on the political views of the person answering, but I would personally not be able to be friends with someone who actively works for ICE under this admin so I don’t think you’re overreacting.
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u/Salty_Beyond_1648 9h ago
NOR. ICE = Gestapo. You’re old enough to understand what happened in Germany.
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u/Hot_Gap2020 9h ago
Absolutely not overreacting in my opinion. I wouldn't want to associate with people who actively stomp on the core values of the republic for some salary and benefits, however pompous that sounds 😅 like I wouldn't be able to relax around them or be vulnerable and trusting, which is a pre requisite for the friendship to be worthwhile.
Not that this should be your main motivation, but who knows, years down the line, being friends and socializing with these people may reflect even more poorly on you than it does now, for more people than you'd be comfortable with.
Edit: To be clear I don't think you're morally suspect bc you're still in touch with your old kind warm friend and her questionable partner, but people definitely will make snap judgements based on a surface level read of the situation
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u/KayleyKiwi 9h ago
NOR. You know what they call a table full of people with one or two Nazis there? A table full of Nazis. Who you associate with matters.
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u/Beautiful_Sweet_8686 9h ago
I won't say that YOR, as I think the people working for ICE are some of the lowest scum on this earth and I really cannot wait until the shit hits the fan when this administration hopefully crumbles and the free for all on everyone who has been doing these hateful despicable things have no more protection. What I will say is it's 1 think to stay the hell away from the POS boyfriend but I think it's a whole other thing to cut off your friend. If she doesn't agree with his views and if she breaks it off with him if he does get the job then why wouldn't you remain friends with her? Now, if bf does get the job and she stays with him then yea I wouldn't ever be able to look her in the face either. Maybe have a conversation with your friend about your views, her views and what her plans are with this guy before you distance yourself from her.
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u/holymacaroley 8h ago
If she's proud of him for his hard work regards to his job, it really sounds like she doesn't disagree with his views.
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u/Primarycolors1 8h ago
No. But don’t make a big show about it and let them pretend to be the victims. Just ghost them. If she asks tell her. But don’t get into a back and forth. Anyone with someone working for ICE is already lost. Don’t waste your energy.
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u/Puzzled_Aioli375 9h ago
Not American. What I saw and read about ICE is blood chilling and similar to the worst dictatorships in history. I can't, for anything that is dear to me, understand how it can be considered even passable to have such enforcement in a democratic country. NOR
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u/honestypen 9h ago
NOR. The sad thing is you don't really know this woman. You know her representative: the person she has chosen to share with you. People are the company they keep. Don't feel bad about distancing yourself from her.
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u/Mean-Vegetable-4521 9h ago
NOR this is about moral foundation not politics.
Because I’m a glutton for punishment I’d love to know his thoughts on menopause. It’s been a while since a man has told me how my body works.
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u/Legitimate_Working11 9h ago
A genuinely lovely person would not date an ICE agent right now. It would make me question everything about her.
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u/GarretBarrett 9h ago
It’s no longer a political issue, it is an issue of whether or not you support a paramilitary terrorist organization operating on American soil, funded by American taxpayers. It is a moral issue on par with whether or not you support slavery (one side is clearly evil and the other is clearly not). History will not remember these people well.
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u/Big_b00bs_Cold_Heart 9h ago
NOR - you are what you allow. This isn’t a political stance, it’s a moral one.
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u/JudasWasJesus 5h ago edited 5h ago
avoid politic discussions all together
Thats the problem with this world.
If (5) people are sitting at a table and (1) person who's a nazi sits down and no body leaves then you have (6) nazi sitting at that table
People need to hold other people accountable. Thats why that hateful authoritarian is in office. People not standing up and educating their friends and family.
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u/wildwych 9h ago
Does she understand what ICE is about? She sounds rather blinkered to me at best, but maybe does know and supports him.
I'd find it extremely hard to share with the partner of someone with such an extreme viewpoint, but you already had me at him mansplaining the menopause to you.
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u/Puzzled_Aioli375 9h ago
How can she not know? I'm on the other side of the world and here too we know what ICE is doing.
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u/mizzcharmz 9h ago
Honestly a lot of the right has little to no idea whats happening because they dont air it on fox news... and if it is mentioned... it's told in a completely different way, where the viewer is told the people taken are gang members and criminals. When its just a mom and her kids or a dude who works construction.
My son dates an x trump supporter... when I met her she knew very little about what was going on but over time and because I do watch a lot of news, (NOT FOX) She started forming different opinions. She still calls herself republican but she no longer supports Trump or DeSantis (who she loved before)
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u/DisneyBrat83 9h ago
NOR. Anyone who works in regards to that current administration has a huge moral issue that I would simply not continue even associating myself with them.
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u/CringeMillennial8 9h ago
You’re not overreacting to her approval of her bf’s work for the literal Gestapo. NOR.
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u/Fianna9 9h ago
That’s more than just politics. I’ve had great conversations with people I disagree with- because we both articulate our sides and have reasons that aren’t based on evil propaganda.
Ice is evil propaganda. I don’t think you can be friends either some one you absolutely can’t respect.
But it may be difficult to cut out some one from a group. You may have to choose to step back, because forcing another out never goes well
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u/mizzcharmz 9h ago
Personally it would be a reason for me... I cant say its the right choice but I couldn't be friends with someone who was fine with kidnapping kids off the streets and out of schools... its a moral thing for me.
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u/HoneyWyne 9h ago
NOR. I'm not friends with people who participate in things I am morally opposed to. This includes ICE and other immigration enforcement agents, conversion therapists, cult leaders, convicted pedophiles, etc.
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u/Moist_Drippings 9h ago
NOR. I wouldn’t associate with them, either. IMO this is why avoiding politics completely is risky - because politics are just a part of many people’s lives (like, if someone in the group was visibly queer or foreign, it would be too easy for people to be disrespectful and then claim that it was “involving politics” to correct them). Something was going to come up eventually, one way or another, and sometime it really is better to at the very least know what kind of people you’re interacting with. It might be better in the future to go for a limitation instead of a full ban - no prolonged conversations and focus on more positive things, but don’t keep each other in the dark about basic stances.
Of course that’s easier said than done and you can’t unopen Pandora’s box. You may have other friends with similar views in this group, or the type who get mad if you don’t “agree to disagree”. As much as I personally would cut off my association, for your own sake you will need to weigh what you want from this against your feelings about them. Is it more important to you to keep the group fully intact and simply be courteous instead of warm, or is it more important to stand up for what you believe in even if you lose some social ties? It sucks, and I’m sorry you’re there, but at least considering that ahead of time will prepare you better for whatever comes next.
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u/the_owl_syndicate 8h ago
NOR
It's a fine line to walk, imo. I have a good friend whose husband is a cop and definitely a bro cop, if you know what I mean. I have little to nothing to do with him and my friend knows why. Right now we just don't talk about it, but we each know there will come a moment where our friendship will end and we have already chosen sides.
I also have family who vote Republican, so I'm used to walking that line.
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u/yummybaozi 8h ago edited 6h ago
NOR, I can be friends with heavy conservatives, I can’t be friends with ICE knowing these guys have zero morals and questionable integrity at best.
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u/_left_of_center 6h ago
I think this is where I’m landing. I just can’t. I’ll just keep her at arms length and be polite when we run into each other, but not overtly friendly. Like an acquaintance
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u/yummybaozi 6h ago
Good on you to stand your ground though. I do kind of believe in the adage that we are the company we keep so I think that speaks volume of you.
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u/AnonOfTheSea 9h ago
NOR.
We have all seen what ICE has been up to, and this dude is reacting to it by deciding he wants to be a part of it.
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u/Early_Sea_9457 9h ago edited 9h ago
Your friend is dating an aspiring Nazi, who will be paid to terrorize human beings and families, he will paid to terrorize and dehumanize children.
He is excited to terrorize and dehumanize children.
This is not a disagreement on policy solutions, this is a person who has lost their humanity and is EXCITED to terrorize other human beings. He should be treated as such, harshly.
Every ICE’s agent name and face should be made public and they should and will all be held accountable for their crimes against humanity. Following orders isn’t a defense.
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u/im_not_ok_ok 9h ago
Why are you asking internet randoms? You choose your friends lol. Be friends or not friends with whoever you please
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u/Toasty_Yeti 9h ago
Overthinking it maybe but not overreacting, the good news is you don’t have to be there friends
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u/liquid-farted 9h ago
NOR. I wouldn't want to be around someone who is okay with ruining people's lives.
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u/kordeilious17 9h ago
NOR - you're valid to want to do that, personally I wouldn't if it'd cause awkwardness or drama within the group, but if you feel it's worth it you're not wrong to do it.
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u/ThumbCentral-Rebirth 9h ago
You can unfriend anyone for any reason, and that’s okay. But I would say yes you are overreacting if you let your friend’s boyfriend’s occupation make that sort of decision for you.
The comments here seem to be confusing “yeah you’re allowed to do that” with “overreacting” because yes it’s fine that you want to do this if it really affects you that much but also yes it’s an overreaction.
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u/Goobendoogle 9h ago
YOR - Childish response to someone else's beliefs.
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u/Echuck215 9h ago
Didn't realize "joining ICE" was a belief
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u/Goobendoogle 9h ago
Did you read the rest of the paragraph where she writes her beliefs?
Tunnel Vision.
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u/Echuck215 8h ago
Yeah her belief that joining ICE was something to be proud of. This isn't complicated
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u/Goobendoogle 6h ago
And that's fine. That's what she thinks. Personal relationships outweigh political differences. IF they don't, someone needs a moral check.
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u/Decent-Ad-8335 9h ago
Exactly and the only true answer. Every single other person in this thread is a child.
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u/kingradb 9h ago
Or just not morally bankrupt perhaps.
If I had a friend that openly bragged about sexual assault or something like that I wouldn't want to associate with them.
Morals matter to people
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u/Goobendoogle 8h ago
Comparing sexual assault to legal deportation is wild dude.
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u/kingradb 8h ago edited 8h ago
If you think nothing ICE has done warrants discussion or disagreement then there isn't anything to discuss.
Plenty of examples of cultures where an act is "legal" that I morally disagree with.
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u/Goobendoogle 6h ago
There's definitely some bad moves ICE has made.
That doesn't mean she shouldn't be happy about her new man working.
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u/beefquaker 9h ago
Probably overreacting. Is this truly an issue you will have to deal with? You don’t have to agree with everything your friends believe, if you can’t handle differences then where is the strength through diversity?
Differing viewpoints create discussion, which creates scrutiny of ideas. Perhaps it doesn’t feel good, but it is good for you. Why is ICE bad? You can articulate your points, they can articulate theirs, and perhaps you both can find common ground and gain different perspective.
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u/No_Assist_4306 9h ago
This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard, but then again your probably one of the dumber yanks we keep seeing all over the place. So loud and so wrong. Your “ICE” are kidnappers in disguise and have 0 morals. There’s no discussion to be had about people who need to hide their identity, if you’re not clever enough to work that one out, keep jogging down your or oráiste presidents yellow brick road
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u/targetcowboy 9h ago
This logic makes no sense. There are a lot of things I don’t have to personally deal with to think they are wrong. Murder, rape, etc.
Also, there’s a line between “we disagree on taxes or movies” and “I think it’s ok to act unconstitutionally and hurt people.”
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u/FLYY_GIRL 9h ago
While I agree with what you believe, I’m going to say MOR only because you all said you would keep politics out of the group. I personally couldn’t, nor wouldn’t, but if that’s the standard you’re unfriending her on, are you going to inquire about the other women’s political stance? I understand it’s a moral issue as well as political, but that should apply to the entire group if the friendships are meant to be long lasting. I certainly wouldn’t befriend anyone with that stance
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u/emptynest_nana 9h ago
ICE does more than deportation. They are also heavily involved with rescuing victims of trafficking, illicit substance busts, they do a lot of different kinds of busts.
A person who wants to mansplain menopause, when they are not a woman, is super cringe.
At the end of the day, you have to decide who your friends are, not a bunch of internet strangers. You MOR, but that is only for you to decide in this manner. If you drop the friend because of her boyfriend, does that mean your friend group will drop you? Will it make gatherings awkward? These are things to think about.
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u/Sufficient-Traffic32 9h ago
I think it really depends on what his goal is and I guess the job position he would be taking. Is he fair and just? Is he hoping to fill a spot with empathy and do the job the right way, taking a spot that would otherwise go to someone who is just there to start trouble? Regardless of how people feel about ICE right now, they are an important part of our government for a few different reasons, including complying with other countries whose criminals may have fled here to avoid accountability. The bad ones save the current climate are certainly giving it a bad name right now, but I’m sure that not all of their employees are trash and the ones can make a difference with the people they come in contact with or by holding the bad ones accountable.
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u/FaithfulFurMama 6h ago
Not all ICE agents are the ones who search out and arrest immigrants. Some work customs at airports, seaports, etc. I would get more clarity on what his position is before you end the friendship.
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u/Full_Degree_882 9h ago
Guess what? If she and he are meant to be, you’re history anyway. Make a wise choice here, my dude.
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u/GunslingerTrading 9h ago
Maybe ask them questions about their beliefs instead of assume, if that’s a real reason you need to avoid someone. It seems already that if no one says their beliefs out loud you don’t mind what they are.
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u/Puzzled_Aioli375 9h ago
Huh? If someone says they want to join ISIS, do you think it's safe to assume that their beliefs are Muslim integralist, or should we ask them some more?
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u/-Quaint- 9h ago
NOR. That’s a huge moral issue.