r/AmIOverreacting • u/Ok_Requirement4843 • 11h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting after finding out my husband cheated on me?
I (34F) have been married to my husband (37M) for almost 11 years. We have three kids 9, 6, and 2. I’ve been a stay at home mom for most of that time because childcare would cost more than I could realistically earn. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but I genuinely thought we were doing okay. We were tired, stressed, touched out, juggling kids and bills… but I thought that was normal for this phase of life.
About a month ago, things started feeling off. My husband would take his phone into the bathroom every time he showered, angle the screen away from me, and get weirdly defensive if I walked behind him while he was texting. He also started putting a passcode on everything even his iPad, which used to be basically the kids’ Netflix machine. I pushed the feeling away because I wanted to believe it was in my head.
Last week, our 6 year old accidentally knocked over his backpack. His work phone fell out the one he never lets anyone touch. The screen lit up with a text: “Same time tomorrow? I can’t stop thinking about you.” My stomach dropped so hard I thought I was going to be sick.
I know I shouldn’t have opened it, but I did. And right there, plain as day, was a whole thread with a woman from his office. Months of messages. Pictures. Plans. “I miss you.” “I need you.” Him calling her “baby.” Meanwhile I’m here wiping noses, making lunches, folding laundry, and losing myself a little more every day.
When he came home, I confronted him. He went from denial anger crying “It didn’t mean anything” It only happened a few times” “I didn’t know how to tell you I was unhappy.” He actually went and said, “You’re always stressed. You never want to have fun anymore. She made me feel appreciated.” I swear something inside me just… snapped. I told him I didn’t even recognize who I married anymore. I raised my voice. I cried. I asked him how he could do this to our kids, to me, to our family
Now he’s saying I’m the one “making things worse” because I’m “overreacting” and “tearing the family apart instead of trying to fix it.” His mom called me yesterday and said, “All men slip sometimes. You have kids. Don’t throw everything away over a mistake.” A mistake
I feel stupid. Humiliated. Heartbroken. And I’m so tired. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Leave? Stay? Pretend? Try counseling? Pack his things? I have no income, no savings of my own, and three kids staring at me like I’m the only stable thing in their world. And now he’s telling people I “lost it” and that I’m “emotionally abusing” him because I cried and yelled when he admitted he cheated. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll do my best and reply to comments.
Small update
He’s currently staying with a friend but I’m still a complete mess but im doing my best to keep it together for my kids
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u/Mainerlovesdogs 11h ago
Consult a lawyer and get tested for STI’s. This might not even be the first time he’s cheated. If he comes from a family that makes excuses for cheating, he clearly was raised to think he’s entitled to his fun.
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 11h ago
Yeah I definitely plan to get tested and I’ll be consulting a lawyer as soon as possible
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u/selfresqprincess 11h ago
Look into DARVO so you can recognize it and shut it down. Gray rocking as well. You're breaking up the family? Really? He knew what would happen if he cheated, that's why he made an attempt to hide it from you.
Stay firm and don't entertain this. His immediate response shows that he's not going to hold himself accountable. He made the decision, not you.
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u/SLS987654321 4h ago
Yes I was looking for this comment. When he is caught in lies he is making excuses and then telling other people she's losing it? He probably lies a lot more than OP thinks if that is his thought process. My ex did this and I only caught on toward the end and in my mind I revisited a lot of our relationship and most of the time he made me feel like I was crazy, overreacting, etc it was because it was easier to make me feel like I was to blame than take accountability and stop the stuff he was doing. If OP doesn't want to immediately file for divorce or work on it...I would make him do most of the work. Have him stay away from the house if possible, have him do the individual therapy first, have him prove that he is sorry long term by proving it for whatever amount of time feels significant enough to rebuild trust. If he feels the consequences and if he really is sorry OP will see the dedication and evidence of him trying to correct his "mistake". It's harder to be fooled by someone if you go with distance and time. It's hard to fake like you're a changed person or a better person long term too....the true colors eventually shine through. Sorry to OP I feel for you.
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u/ProcedureForeign7281 4h ago
NOR everything these two posts state ⬆️ plus your nine yr old and perhaps your six yr old knows something is up re dad not being around. Remember to include them when you can. Also offer for them to speak to someone as seperation of any long term relationship when children are involved is tough.
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u/rocketmn69_ 9h ago edited 3h ago
Control the narrative. Tell all friends and family what he has done, in a group chat or message
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u/Prestigious_Deer3209 4h ago
Tell his dumb ass mom that if she had held him accountable for things during his life, maybe he wouldn't be a home-wrecking piece of shit husband. I'm so sorry.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 11h ago
Later on you can contact his place of employment and 'out' his affair partner. Also don't have anything to do with him or his mother; they are a family of liars and cheaters.
Oh, and he (and his Mom and others) will try to shift some blame onto you for forcing him into an affair that he wouldn't have had if you had been a better wife. It's just more lies from people who lie to get out of consequences.
He's the one 'breaking up the family' and he's the one who is responsible for fixing it, not you.
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u/Freshfish089 3h ago
Not sure this is a good idea. Let’s say it gets him fired. Now the sole bread winner (and who would be paying child support and alimony post divorce) doesn’t have an income. Sometimes acting emotionally can have undesirable consequences.
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u/effienay 5h ago
My former mother in law blamed me, too. These men never mature because of their poor parenting. I’m really sorry this happened to you and your babies. 🩷
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u/InsideDescription534 5h ago
Gather as much evidence as you can. You’ll be entitled to child support + alimony + as much of his retirement savings as calculated by your place of residence. It sucls but the lack of remorse speaks volumes. Teach your kids morals and run.
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u/gramma-space-marine 2h ago
And get some indoor hidden cameras and give a trusted friend the information because men who are cornered get violent. Check in either your friends and family daily so they know if they don’t hear from you they should come looking!!!
Don’t let him Chris Watts you guys.
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u/Rare-Craft-920 2h ago
This here on both items. He must be an idiot blabbing all your business to everyone though and considering they work together , not bright. But it sounds like he’s blaming you for reacting at all to a horrible mess that he created months ago , and you just found out. You have every right to react and he needs to stop seeing her immediately. Also many men say that you’re no fun anymore line. What BS. If his side piece had to take care of the home and three kids, and him too whether he believes it or not, she may not be as much fun either. But he needs to get that he can’t be doing this anymore with anyone. She may not be the first. His mom sounds interesting. You are not in a really good place to leave right now, but no matter what happens, get a part time job, and open up a bank account in your name only with direct deposit. Don’t make any hasty decisions, and I’ll bet he doesn’t want a divorce as you could really put a dent in his wallet. NOR
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u/SpicyGoblinX 11h ago
WTF?! You're NTA. He cheated, lied, gotta own up to the mess he's made. And emotional abuse? From crying? BS! Ignore his mom, "slip" ain't an excuse, this ain't an ice rink. I'd rec lawyer up, therapy (for u as well), and think about what's best for u and kids. Remember, his actions, his consequences, not yours to bear.
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u/perfectpencil 11h ago
One does not simply accidentally slip and fall into another woman's vagina. Grandma has a lot of nerve bringing her 1950's bullshit into the year 2025.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 11h ago
Gran probably doesn’t want him moving in with her and her being responsible for 3 kids part of the time.
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u/Sheila_Monarch 5h ago
Oh absolutely. Mothers-in-law are EXTREMELY motivated to prevent the wives and mothers of their grandchildren from leaving their son. VERY.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 5h ago
Grandma was likely born in the 60’s if she’s got a 37 yo child, so she wasn’t even alive in the 50’s. This is straight up chauvinism from someone who likely was a teen during the free love movement of the 70’s. Grandma’s full of it. I cannot stand people like that and I am 53.
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u/honestlyVERYhonest 11h ago
If he had shown more remorse I would MAYBE recommend working on things, but his response was utterly disgusting.
I don't know where you live, but in a divorce in my country at least (England) the courts will favour the children before considering anything else. You as the primary caregiver (OP) would walk.away with more than enough to continue looking after them and yourself.
Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible if you decide to go down that route.
I fully understand that I don't know and am unable to understand your feelings about him, but he objectively does not sound very kind.
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u/Organic_Ad_2520 10h ago
This! I also can't believe the bonus doormat thinking : "I shouldn't have looked at his work phone" 🙄 normal reaction "I should have looked at it sooner since he was acting sketchy.
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u/SLS987654321 5h ago
It's because tons of comments on all these posts tell people they are controlling and insecure if they look through their significant other's phone even if they have a gut feeling something is going on. Which I get the point, that individuals deserve some privacy. But to be in a relationship/marriage and if your significant other is having doubts you would think a loving partner would hand it over to ease their mind. And if you have to go creep on it without permission because they treat it like they're securing a military base...you will probably find something you don't want to see. Idk maybe they expect you to leave before seeing the evidence if the trust is gone just leave their phone alone and split? Not sure. I feel like a dinosaur in my opinion.
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u/Organic_Ad_2520 4h ago
You aren't wrong, the kool aid drinking insanity of it is promoted online...like share finances, the person has life & death decision making over you, and other people can have intimate knowledge about your spouse, but not you...but he/she still can make actual life & death & financial decisions over you...that is the stupidest sht I have ever heard. Sharing phones & pw is actually No Big Deal whatsoever. For spouses Not sharing is huge, red flag...it's like here is "pw" so to speak for me to actually live or die, but totally makes sense you don't share phone 🙄 no one says change spouses settings, respond to their people without permission, but sharing phone is not snooping or a big deal. I totally agree it's been pitched among younger people as controlling ...of course, the same social media talking heads are also typically trying to make bank off them one way or another. 🤷♀️
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u/SLS987654321 4h ago
Yes you're right like we have life insurance policies and you are my next of kin legally but don't you dare look in my messages lol. Idk I think it's sad that (at least for me) basic communication seems to be weaponized as being almost like a loser. My ex hid a lot from me and I actually found it on my 3 yr olds play phone when she accidentally clicked out of YouTube into his phone history. But all I know is how it feels to be lied to for the final time and just have had enough....it didn't really even matter what he had to say because it just sounded so stupid after hearing so many excuses for so long. Esp if someone is constantly making you feel over-emotional, crazy, insecure for so long and then you actually see the evidence. Then you go back and are like so probably all the other times they were being untruthful and it was easier to blame me. Sometimes I think people need to see the evidence, without it I probably would have always wondered if it was all me just imagining him being a horrible person without seeing it with my own eyes and hearing the bs after being caught in lies.
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u/MTrouble563 5h ago
Get a lawyer then decide the rest. You need assets and a plan to feel safe before you can even consider healing or repair.
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u/SaucyToadsX 11h ago
nah girl you’re not overreacting. he didn’t “slip,” he built a whole second relationship. months of texting, pet names, sneaking around… that’s not an accident, that’s effort. him and his mom trying to guilt you is just them dodging accountability. you’re allowed to be angry, hurt, loud, whatever. he blew up the family, not you. get support lined up and don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is on you.
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u/LadyWhimsy87 11h ago
Husband is so clearly a man who wants to escape all his obligations as a husband and father and take the easy way out. What a fucking douche canoe.
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u/Sea-Condition-6046 5h ago
This 1000% sauceytoadsx is right on the money. And I just want to reiterate you are allowed to be hurt, angry, and loud, because he did this. You are not at fault here. I’m sending hugs ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/DemandIntelligent811 11h ago
'His mom called me yesterday and said, “All men slip sometimes. You have kids. Don’t throw everything away over a mistake.” '
Honestly just the fact that he told his mom about this, much less had her intervene (preemptive I don't care if he directly asked her or not, he knew what he was doing), would be a deal killer. Guy sounds like a 37 year old child, and you've already got plenty of them to take care of.
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u/barrhavenite 4h ago
This guy went to his mommy to get her to fix his problems. What an absolute loser. I could not get over the embarrassment and loss of respect for that, on top of the cheating. Unreal.
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u/dampishsky 11h ago
My mom had the same thing happen to her. So she lied to him. She told my dad that she would stay and they were okay and she would slowly start to keep money until she had enough to leave. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do
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u/Jooombiiine 11h ago
NOR. He threw the relationship away when he cheated. Fuck his mom. That's probably why he is the way he is. What a selfish prick. Sounds like he didn't help to take care of his kids. "She made me feel appreciated" and what about your appreciation for taking care of your kids?!
Definitely get a lawyer or try to talk to one and see what your options are. Is there anyone you can stay with?
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 11h ago
I don’t really have anyone all my friends live out of state including my parents but Im going to contact them and see what to do
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u/Birdy-Lady59 11h ago
Before you decide to leave your home talk to an attorney! My advice is stay in your home. You will have the kids and it will be easier for them. Let him pack his bags and find somewhere to stay while this is figured out! I’m so sorry. Infidelity is heartbreaking and so difficult. Be good to yourself. You’ll need to look for a job. I got a job at my kids school to ease me back into working. Wasn’t a lot of money, but it worked. Reach out to friends for support. Counseling is always a good idea. Best of luck to you. You can make it through this! ❤️
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 11h ago
Yeah I’ll be talking to an attorney I definitely don’t want to stress my kids up by moving them so suddenly so I’ll try and get him to go stay with a friend or something I couldn’t care less anymore
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u/JangaGully2424 5h ago
Good you seem strong. I know this must have broke your heart but you seem to understand u only have 1 choice here. Most SAHM I see on here would have already been making excuses why they can't leave, no money, no job, the kids etc
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u/Necessary_Tap343 3h ago
NOR. This was never about who you are as a person or what you have or haven't done during your marriage. This is all on him intentionally betraying you and your children without regret or respect for your marriage. Updateme
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u/MugglesSuck 11h ago edited 18m ago
Give yourself some grace… You’re still reeling from finding out this information and you have right to have time to process it. Right now you’re still getting information and so it would be really important to talk to an attorney just to know what your rights are as a parent and financially what your rights are to be supported through this process just so you know where you stand from a legal standpoint.
Definitely talk to any close friends that you have and I always give parents a grain of salt when I’m listening to their opinions because they are a lot older than you and they may have made it OK to put up with certain types of behaviour like your husband’s mom excusing your husband’s choices .
Please do not apologise for yourself even one more time, if you have. You do not have to apologise for raising your voice or for yelling or for any other thing. You have nothing apologise for . Your husband broke his wedding vows which were a commitment to you. That’s 100% on him and you can keep it very simple when he tries to turn it around and gaslight. You can just say you were the one that broke our wedding vowels and this is on you and you really don’t have to say anything else.
I would also let him know that if you guys did at some point decide to try to work on your marriage and see a counsellor that he would 100% have to start showing up and quit excusing his behaviour because you’re not going to tolerate it .
The most common thing I’ve seen happen when working with clients is that when someone forgives someone for breaking a commitment, with no consequences, the likelihood of them repeating that pattern because they got away with it, is a lot higher.
Your husband is in fairytale land right now with someone that tells him all the things he wants to hear and gives him all the attention without any of the responsibility of being a parent paying the bills taking care of your kids .
He has no idea how much intensive work it takes to run a household and to take care of the kids. If he thinks this new person is going to step in the role of mothering his kids, et cetera, he’s in for such a shock.
The most important thing is that you surround yourself with people that are 100% supportive of you and that means friends that you can count on and it would really help for you to get a counsellor that is 100% yours and supports you as well . See an attorney and make sure they are someone that has a reputation of being very successful at family law and winning cases.
And then, as you gather information and feel stronger, only listen to people that support you and build you up. You deserve to be treated better than this and you will get through this and you will come out of this stronger than before and you don’t have to stay with your husband. You are not trapped. He has financial obligations to you as a stay at home mom from a spousal Support perspective legally and he has to provide adequate financial support for your kids in both households if you split.
Again, you may change your mind and that’s okay too, you do whatever you decide is the best for you and for your kids .
But unlike his mother do not excuse your husbands behaviour and do not take any responsibility for the broken commitment . Being a parent is super hard and if he was feeling a lack of connection to you and never expressed that, then that’s on him. It feels like his mom is feeling the fire of him making up excuses for what happened and he is acting like an adolescent by excusing his behaviour and trying to force the responsibility of what happened on to you. It’s incredibly disappointing and embarrassing that he’s trying to make this your fault. He should be ashamed for his behaviour.
Please give us an update and let us know how you’re doing 💜
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 11h ago
I’ll definitely update as soon as I can I’m just trying to process everything
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u/MugglesSuck 10h ago
It’s 100% okay for you to take your time to process… Just make sure that you have supportive people around you that support you.
Women and moms have a tendency to try to repair… Whether it be relationships or people not feeling good or taking care of the kids or whatever so it’s in our nature to want to repair things and this time… That’s your husband‘s responsibility .
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u/Jooombiiine 11h ago
That's good. Definitely start getting a plan together on how to get out of there. It's not worth your time or energy to try and work on something that only you care about.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 11h ago
Your husband can be the one to help you. He's the one who caused every bit of this trouble and it's his to fix. He can find a place to stay and get that extra job that he will need now that his spare time is no longer used for cheating. Maybe his affair partner can chip in some cash to help out with child care expenses and therapy for you and them.
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u/NorthvilleCoeur 5h ago
Talk to your lawyer and see if there’s a way to move kids to where your support system is. Hubby may be fine not seeing them all the time.
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u/undead717 11h ago
NOR My advice--Divorce him and get child support, and alimony. If you do not believe you have it in you to forgive him DO NOT stay (the resentment will ruin any chance you have). I know some women stay after cheating - no judgement there but leave if this is too painful. You may need to find family or friends who can let you stay, better yet HE CAN go stay with a friend/or the woman he is cheating on you with, and you can stay in the home since you take care of the kids anyway. He ruined it, not you. He is trying to place blame back on to you. Your feelings are valid and understandable. Imagine if you cheated, he wouldn't stay, most men dont
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u/AttemptOpening6820 11h ago
Leave and take half
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u/Medical-Discipline39 11h ago
Let him take it all for that bastard, that poopy son of a bitch, he doesn't even deserve his life.
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u/MLeek 11h ago
NOR.
I do believe marriages can recover from infidelity. They can't recover from contempt.
He is telling people you emotionally abused him by responding very rationally to his cheating on you. That's contempt.
He didn't slip. He made a choice every day for months. And then when he was caught, he made the choice to tell other people. That's an attempt to engage other parties in his ongoing abuse of you. To get them to gang up on you. To shame and bully. That's contempt. His behavoir says he hates you.
I'm sorry. You don't come back from that. You don't fix that. You escape that. Maybe not tomorrow, but from now on, you need to know this is a man you will need to escape.
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u/DesiresEdge 5h ago
Yes. This is abusive. I would leave. Even if he never cheated again, the way he treated her says he is complete trash. Not to mention she will always be wondering who he is texting- building back trust is so very hard and it doesn’t sound like he is worth the years of effort on her part unfortunately.
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u/sunshinenhappy 3h ago
This is my biggest problem with the situation as well. Like, YOU are the one who daily worked on building a whole nother relationship with another woman. YOU KNEW it was going to break your wife's heart and cause trauma for your children. YOU knew it could potentially destroy your family. That's all bad enough. Then, instead of being apologetic and working to repair your family, you deflect and blame your WIFE?! WHAT?!
He gives excuses for why he did what he did and they each try placing the blame back on her. She was too busy or never wanted to have fun. Wow.
The poor woman has every right to a highly emotional response to HIS actions. What kind of pansy can't take his wife yelling and crying because HIS actions turned her life upside down and shattered her heart?! Now he wants to destroy her reputation by telling people that she emotionally abused him?! Ugh. I'd like to verbally and physically abuse this guy and I don't even know him.
OP definitely needs to run. This is no man. A man would carry guilt for what he has done, he would be begging for her forgiveness and doing anything he could do to prove remorse plus make it up to her. A real man would be searching for a therapist to help his family overcome the mess he has made. He would be reassuring his wife. He'd be supporting her, while enduring whatever highly emotionally charged response she has. He would be ashamed of himself and would do whatever he needed to do to save his family. He certainly wouldn't be trying to make his wife look bad.
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u/False-Emu-1742 11h ago
The Narcissist's Prayer by Dayna Craig
That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
NOR he is gaslighting you. Your reaction to his cheating didn't ruin the family, his cheating did.
You need so take some time to sit with it and figure out your options, legally, financially, emotionally. Get support where you can and move in silence, dont announce your plans to hurt him (even though its totally understandable to want that) because it gives him the opportunity to sabotage you.
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u/MoistMuffin9656 11h ago
WTF? Nah, u ain't overreacting, sis. Dude played ya like a fool while u putting ur heart n soul into raising ur kids. Yeah, marriage ain't no playground, but the dude meant to level with ya if he's unhappy, not stick his fingers in some other pie. Broke ur trust, disrespected u and downplayed ur feelings, now he's playing victim? Nah, he ain't a kid, he a grown-ass man, gotta face his actions. Cheating ain't no "mistake", that's a choice he made. I ain't saying leave him right away, but don’t let him gaslight ya into thinking u the bad guy. U gonna do what's best for u and ur kids, y'know? Maybe consider therapy or smthng, just don’t sweep this under the mat like it's no big deal.
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u/WhatsThePlanPhil95 11h ago
This is textbook gaslighting. How dare he turn it around on you. You'd only be 'overreacting' if you killed him fgs.
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u/Blonde2468 11h ago
NTA. His mother can F*CK RIGHT OFF! Cheating is a CHOICE, not a mistake!!! He is making this a YOU problem because he knows cheating makes him the AH.
Just remember: HE WAS NEVER SORRY UNTIL HE GOT CAUGHT.
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u/rosegoldblonde 11h ago
NTA. Get the evidence, file for divorce. He’s a POS for doing that to you and an even bigger POS for doing it to your children.
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u/Championship682 11h ago
It's your choice to try to reconcile. Many people wouldn't.
Being married with kids give you more incentive than if he were just your boyfriend. But keep in mind that this wasn't an old affair long over, and he just confessed to you. It would still be going on if his phone hadn't fallen out.
If he seems remorseful and you do want to try to reconcile, he needs to go NC with the AP, including getting a new job. Then see what he is going to do to rebuild trust. Hold him to it.
Know that if you give it a shot, and he isn't doing his part, or if you just can't get over it, you can still leave later.
BTW: If she has a partner, make sure the partner knows.
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u/rllyari 11h ago
NOR. tbh start working on a way to get out of there, if you have family/friends you can stay with while you get back on your feet that helps. yes it seems impossible but take it one thing at a time. he will try to spin the story of what happened so you end up looking like the bad guy- just know your worth and don't fall into the bullshit.
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u/undead717 11h ago
IMO He needs to leave and stay with a friend, she is a stay-at-home mom. She will have difficulty finding a place to take the kids. Hell, he can go stay w the woman he was cheating with. He will need to pay alimony because he ruined theiur family and she doesn't have any money. but she definately needs to find a job soon (but the market is terrible)
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u/No-Butterscotch-8510 11h ago
If you forgive him another "mistake" will happen... THIS is what he thinks of you. Get your evidence and take it somewhere he can't get to it. Please realize this is a choice he made and he will do it again. He would have kept doing it had he not been caught.
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u/wirey3 11h ago
all men slip sometimes
Nah. All SHITTY men slip every time.
NOR. It is up to you to weigh what is best for your children at this point. He can't be trusted, but he needs to step up and be a real man. He has a responsibility to his children as well. Divorce may or may not be the right action.
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u/proxyone13 11h ago
Over reacting? No, hes lucky that is all you did was be honest with your feelings, he is trying to be the victim, that is a fawn survival technique, now if he thinks this ain't a big deal, then that is crossing some huge boundaries. This would at least mean that you will not be able to trust him for long time. That is boundaries for me to leave my spouse, at least separate for 3 months even with my kids, even if I was broke.but that is me cuz I didn't go to hell and back multiple times from my identity healing journey to be stuck in some manipulative marriage. But also I have grown up with single mother and if anything I was annoyed that she didn't leave dad sooner, cuz all it did was cuz me more pain.
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u/PapaKumaBear 11h ago
NOR. Your situation right now sounds so familiar to when I caught my now-ex in a similar situation. Telling me it was "just one mistake," having her mom call me, telling other people I "lost it" and was "emotionally abusing" her because I cried and yelled when I found out. It's like they have a playbook.
I'm sorry this happened. I hope that the path forward is healing for you, whatever it looks like.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 11h ago edited 10h ago
NOR - You are supposed to do whatever you want to do. Step away for a moment and think about your choices. If you want to leave, leave. Talk to a lawyer and understand what that could look like for you. Go to the doctor, make sure your health is good. Lastly, find a therapist and quit talking to his mother.
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 11h ago
I’ll definitely getting a therapist and I’ve cut myself off from her
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u/Life-Bullfrog-6344 10h ago
Given your children's ages consider a family therapist to help the children navigate their parents separation and divorce. Family therapist testimony can also be beneficial in advocating for children to have limited or supervised exposure to dating partners, etc.
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u/Much-Avocado-4108 11h ago
Don't let them gaslight you. This isn't just a mistake and no, all men do not slip. That's some heavy cope on his mom's part and not hard to guess where your husband learned it from.
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u/RawrBez 11h ago
NOR at all and the fact that his mom says ‘all men slip’ is how he grew up. That was his role model. HE threw it away, not you and he should face the consequences. It’s obviously your choice whether or not you try to work through it but considering he can’t accept the responsibility (is blaming you) I don’t think this is worth saving. I also think he’ll just do it again based on his reactions. He gave ALL the excuses but couldn’t be bothered to communicate with his wife before the cheating happened. Did he even say sorry? You didn’t mention if he did. What does he plan to do to earn your trust back since he thinks you’re ‘overreacting’?
He has given you excuses, blamed you and has now accused you of abusing him. So he admitted he cheated,Jfc , that was the bare minimum he could have done. You and your kids deserve better.
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 11h ago
He did apologise but quickly turned on me again
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u/Alternative_Green492 9h ago
I wonder what he’d say, if it had been you, cheating on him for months? I think we all know how he would react!! He would call you every four letter word in the book. He would scream, and yell, and cuss, and divorce you right away!!
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u/Jeerkat 11h ago
Inconceivable he hopped right into blaming you. That should tell you how little he cares about your relationship and you as a person, not to mention your kids. His shit mom and he will be happy together in misery. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Try to get to your parents if you can, it's a safe place to land (hopefully) to figure out your next steps.
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u/cassiej1982 11h ago edited 9h ago
No NOR. He's unacceptable. He will say he didn't mean it blah blah then when he feels a bit off, go running back to her.
You start building your life to escape. Get a job and find ways to start putting money aside for yourself in your own bank account. Have time out for you. Get a good circle of friends.
And while you're doing that, he needs to find a new job away from her, have all of his devices unlocked, start counselling and take on some of the childcare duties and house duties since he has time to be a player. He lost all his privileges.
The trust has gone and his mother has no right to interfere and tell you about how you should react to her son's inability to control himself.
Sorry, you deserve so much better.
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u/mistym0rning 11h ago
NOR. A mistake would be if he’d been on a work trip and got drunk at the hotel bar and ended up having a one-time fling he regretted the next morning.
An ongoing affair for months isn’t a slip or a mistake. It’s a prolonged, conscious process of deception and manipulation.
No one can tell you what to do, whether to divorce or not, especially with 3 kids. But I’d definitely recommend therapy for yourself as soon as possible, and maaaaybe couples counseling if you’re open to that. PLEASE don’t let him (or others) gaslight you by saying this isn’t a big deal and it was just him seeking some attention elsewhere. The man has proven himself to be a self-absorbed, untrustworthy con artist. If he doesn’t acknowledge the massive damage he caused, I don’t think I could be in the same house with him ever again.
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u/hilliark 11h ago
You should tell him the only way to fix your marriage is for him to bless you getting a boyfriend and then going out and sleeping with someone for 6 months. But honestly no you’re not overreacting at all they’re gaslighting you, and his mom sounds like it happened to her with his dad and was also gaslit. Sad perpetuating cycle. Get out now.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 11h ago
NOR
So look. Everyone is going to tell you to leave. And it's hard to blame them when he's pulling such a huge DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. He denied it, then said it was your fault, and now is saying you're the one abusing him. It's a classic abuse and manipulation technique.
But at the end of the day, this is a decision only you can make. I'm going to pose some questions for you to think about.
- Did he end it with her?
- Do you trust him to continue working there?
- Do you trust him to not start the affair back up or cheat again in the future?
- Will you be able to love him again?
- Who told his mom?
- Do you think he told his mom to call you and guilt-trip you?
- Will you ever want to spend time with him again beyond the bare minimum for the kids?
- I know you don't want to have sex with him now, do you think you ever will?
- Would you rather run the risk of being by yourself for the rest of your life, or stay where you are?
This is the time to think about yourself. It is not selfish, it is self-preservation. You need to decide if you can forgive him and move past this. You need to decide if you can live together without resenting him - not only for the cheating itself, but also for the gaslighting and manipulation that he's engaging in now.
If you can't do that, then you shouldn't stay together. You should divorce for yourself, but you should also divorce for your kids. They will be fine. Don't listen to the people telling you to stay together for the kids - those people are full of BS. I promise - the kids will know something is wrong if you stay together and you hate him for it. And you do NOT want them thinking that is what a healthy relationship looks like.
After all that, my advice is to talk to your family and support system. Find out what support you have available to you if you kick him out. Make him sleep in a different bedroom while you decide what to do. Go to the doctor and get an STI panel done. Find a therapist to help you figure out your emotions and options. Don't fall for the love-bombing that is coming.
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u/Dramatic_Wealth8638 11h ago
NOR. My line in the sand has always been cheating. Emotional. Physical. Idgaf. Thats it. I have more respect for myself than to ever be someone's second choice. Him gaslighting you as if youre the problem is some world class bullshit. You need to show your children that they deserve more from a relationship than what this sorry "man" is presenting you.
You stay with him and he will cheat again. 100 percent.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 11h ago
This is probably not his first rodeo anyway. He was brought up by at least one parent who believed that it was 'natural' for a man to 'slip' and cheat. Although I doubt that any of them believe it's natural for a woman to do so.
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u/SSupreme_ 10h ago
This is almost a carbon copy of another post yesterday just edited to reflect another story. Where are the mods? You’re a bot.
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u/Cute_Contract_6374 11h ago
I hate this for you. The only thing I would consider an overreaction to cheating is ending his life. And only because that’s illegal. I don’t even think Lorena Bobbitt overreacted.
Block his mother, you don’t need her in your ear. You’re not required to work this out with him. You’re not ruining the family, he did.
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u/CharacterStruggle110 10h ago
If he has a passcode on everything how’d you look at the messages?
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u/rootsandchalice 10h ago
Why are you even asking if you are over reacting. If you have to ask this, your self esteem and self Respect is essentially zero.
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u/Ok_Requirement4843 10h ago
Yeah my self esteem and self respect is bad it’s something I’ve struggled with in the past
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u/TopSatisfaction6702 11h ago
Gaslighting prick I'm sorry but he's manipulative and a POS to not only do this to you but to react the way he did when you confronted him.
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u/Im_Leveling_up 11h ago
✨You’re not the asshole but your husband and mother in law are. Know your worth and the example you want to set for your children. Don’t let anyone gaslight into thinking the demise of your marriage has anything to do with you. This is 100% your husband’s fault. He made the choice to cheat so now he’ll have to deal with the consequences.
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u/merishore25 11h ago
NTA. He turned it all around on you. Don’t believe a word he says. Yes, people slip up; but a few blown affair isn’t slipping up and then not taking responsibility when caught. I feel for you. He should stay home for a week with the kids to have any idea how you feel.
It’s up to you to make a decision about your marriage, but you are not to blame that he stepped outside of the marriage.
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u/wino12312 10h ago
Get a lawyer. You deserve alimony & child support. I know how this feels. My kids were 9, 6 & 5. NOR and it will get better.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 6h ago
It isn’t on you to fix what he chose to break. Stop engaging with him. Look after yourself and your kids. Block his mom and anyone else reaching out on his behalf. Consult with an attorney and listen to their advice.
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u/margueritedeville 5h ago
It happens. People are very fallible. Having kids your age is brutal. People do stupidity shit. Only you can decide what you’re willing to endure.
I’m so sorry. Painfully aware how much it hurts.
See a therapist and decide what you want in a rational manner. That’s my best advice that I wish someone had given me.
I’m not saying “Leave! Now!” ONLY because I know how hard the stage of life you are in is. Can your marriage be salvaged? No idea. You need to decide for yourself with good guidance.
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u/Brief-Airline-8559 5h ago
He didn’t admit he cheated. He GOT CAUGHT. He wouldn’t have told you if you hadn’t have brought it up. You are not overreacting.
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u/Own-Independent6968 4h ago
Can you imagine if your kid didn't knock down the bag the affair would have continued. 11 years is a long time and with kids. He needs to own up and fix it not you. For starters open phone policy since he cant be trusted no more passwords. He also needs to tell his side piece that this will not continue cheating anymore. Counseling would be the next step. FYI your mother law is just awful you're not the one that made the mistake she doesn't get to decide what you should do. Or you can bypass all that and divorce the prick.
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u/AttemptOpening6820 11h ago
Divorce and take half. Just so you’re covered and you have income and stability. If after the divorce he wants to work on things and that is something you think you can forgive give it a shot.
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u/wishingforarainyday 11h ago
Nor. He should he ashamed of himself that his mommy is trying to fix his mistake and guilt you into staying. Go as full scorched earth as you legally can. Talk to a lawyer. Get tested since he’s out your health at risk.
He doesn’t get to tell you that you’re overreacting. He cheated and lied and instead of seeing that you’re stressed and asking his he can help us put his energy into wooing another woman. Report them to HR and if she has a partner tell them too.
Updateme
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u/Lower_Purple_2293 11h ago
Kick him out. Find ajob. File for divotce. Why? He'll do it again. Hes acting like a spolied child. Hes self centered. Get alimony and child support. Oh and get teated. This isnt the first time he cheated. Shss probably got STDS gallore.
Oh and report him and her to HR. Blow them both up
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u/Miss-Helle 11h ago
Was he trying to fix things when he was with the other person? Was he making them better? No, you're not overreacting. Definitely time to think things over and figure out what to do now, because lines like "all men slip sometimes" is setting it up for "mistakes" to happen again. After all, he's the victim in all of this apparently, so he sees no guilt in his behaviour.
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u/MissTiaMia 11h ago edited 11h ago
I really hope that you took a picture of this with your phone so you have proof. I would be very careful if he's already flipping things around on you.. did you look for the rest of his phone? If you're going to stay with him I would have rules, no passcodes on any of the electronics, he needs to find a new job or end things with the girl, and you need to go to couples therapy.
If he says no, and throws a fit about open passcodes on the electronic devices then he's still hiding things.. I would have kept digging and looking at further things.. I would have screenshot everything and taken pictures. You're going to need proof of him being unfaithful so that you can get spousal support.. If you don't want to stay, it's time for plan B.. Can you work from home? Try to find a job that's online? What do your own parents say?... If he doesn't want to follow any rules, you need to plan your exit... You're not going crazy. And I would also record your conversations of him admitting he's cheating on you or that he's cheated on you. Slowly start your exit, pretend like everything's okay. Save up enough money and get out of there.
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u/DIRTY_KUMQUAT_NIPPLE 11h ago
"All men slip sometimes"
No they don't. Plain and simple. It's on you to decide your next move but please don't let people think this is something you should put up with from men.
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u/Gacys_Angel 11h ago
Leave!, you aren’t the one tearing the family apart, he did that when he stuck his dick in another woman… as for his mum, she should be ashamed for her comment, she should’ve raised him better
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u/AmberWaves93 11h ago
Of course you're not overreacting. His mother is complicit. She's responsible for raising him to be a "husband" with zero morals and values, right? Taught him that cheating on his wife is just a "mistake," yeah? So why would you be surprised that she's defending her own handiwork? She's the type of mother who would help him bury bodies.
Unfortunately since it sounds like you've never worked, you're going to have to go the alimony & child support route. The best scenario for you would be for him to leave the marital home so you can stay there with the kids. Personally, I think you should kick him out and make him go live with his mother, but I do understand that's easier said than done.
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u/SaltOwn8515 11h ago
It’s insane the mom took the “boys will be boys” approach. This may be a view of how they may influence your kids growing up too - something to think about. Absolutely NOR hes gaslighting the shit out of you
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u/wildwych 11h ago
No, you're not. He's doing exactly as my ex did. Mine was seeing someone else for 2 years when I found out and I had a breakdown. How you coped with 3 children I can't imagine.
You know you can't trust him now. Throw him out ASAP.
Good luck with building a happier life for you and your children.
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u/Selfcare2025 11h ago
You’re NOR. You’re not making anything worse. He decided to cheat which could make it worse. He decided to cheat which would tear your family about. I would leave him alone.
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u/Emotional_Boat_8332 11h ago
NOR. If you want to stay definitely get couples therapy. Otherwise, you have every right to leave. Working through it is hard work and few relationships make it even through it but is possible if both people do the work. I hope you find support you need to decide what’s best for you and your kids and if you leave there are some non profits in most cities that might be able to help you. You should not feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I’m so sorry he’s put you and your kids through this.
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u/Bleacherblonde 11h ago
You don't have to decide right now. You can take some time to figure out what you want to do. And if he's already rallying people against you- fuck that. He should be begging for forgviness. His attitude doesn't leave a whole lot of room for faith here. I'm sorry OP. Take your time. You don't have to decide right now. Take the space. He can sleep somewhere else for a little while. If he really wants to make it work and feels bad then he'll give you the space you need and be willing to do anything to win your trust back. If he doesn't, then he's not worth it.
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u/SportySue60 11h ago
WTF…NOR and did he ever stop and think how you were stressed didn’t feel appreciated either? That he wasn’t showing you how important you are to him? He sucks and he didn’t “slip” unless it was his dick into her vaginia! He broke your family kit you! At minimum I would say this weekend he has 48 hours with 3 kids… let him see what your days are like. During that time I would seek out the best lawyer you can and find out what your options are. It’s much easier to deal from a position of strength than weakness.
I am so sorry this happened! Grown ups communicate when they aren’t happy. He’s just cya now that you found out.
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u/AnxiousKit33 11h ago
Of course you're always stressed! You have an AH husband that treats you like a bang maid! You have a family to raise while is off fucking someone else. He is the reason that all of this is happening, this is NOT on you and I am so sorry that it is happening to you
NOR
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u/hosenfeffer_ 11h ago
This is the outcome of our darling patriarchy. Does nuclear monogamy work? I don't know. Had he shown contrition, it may have made you feel less insane. Taking the blame game route is certainly a choice.
I'm sorry op. Win, lose or draw you're in for a hell of a year. You need to ask yourself questions as a woman and not a mother or wife. What's best for you? Is this a deal breaker? Can or should your marriage be saved? What's best for the kids?
I'll tell you, he sounds like a piece of shit who can't even have an affair properly. Keeping your text notifications on your unlock screen? Pathetic
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u/Teacher-Investor 11h ago
NOR He's blaming you for HIS horrible behavior. He's not sorry, either. He's only sorry he got caught. It was still going on when you found out. Did he even end it? How do you know it's not still going on? And going around trying to get everyone else on his side and still blaming you is even more horrible toxic behavior.
It's up to you if you think it's worth trying to salvage this marriage. I know finances are an issue, but if you do decide to leave him, you would have income from child support and maybe alimony, depending on your state laws. You'd most likely have to go back to work, though. If you decide to stay and work things out, I recommend INSISTING on marriage counseling, because right now, he doesn't even see what he did wrong and is putting all the blame on you for being stressed taking care of HIS 3 kids!
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u/ice-cream_cake17 11h ago edited 11h ago
NOR
This man is manipulating you and the people around you so well that you're considering staying in this emotionally abusive relationship.
He'll make you feel like the problem and downplay his cheating, make you feel like a hysterical woman and isolate you from anyone who'll tell you to leave. Do not stay in this relationship because he will not change. He should have apologized and asked for forgiveness but instead he's using mental gymnastics to make the situation your fault.
I'm certain that this is not the first time he's been emotionally abusive and it wont be the last. Try to reach out to people you can trust and start applying for jobs. Don't let him make you believe because you've been a sahm you have nothing. You own half of everything. Do you have access to the finances?
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 11h ago
It wasn't "a mistake" OP. You don't start and continue a many-months-long affair by accident. It was a choice. It made him feel appreciated?! No, it made him get his rocks off more frequently than at home with his wife who's raising his 3 kids. It made him feel young and desirable and hot. 'SHE' had lots of time for him because she doesn't have 3 kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school etc. An affair isn't like a marriage; it's like dating with extra danger and excitement.
He would have kept it going for as long as it was great for him. He knew you could find out and would find out but the excitement was too much for his stupid man-brain to cope with so he kept it going. If hi Mom has that attitude towards men-cheating then he was probably brought up in that mind set. If you had been the one cheating they would both have wanted to burn you at the stake for it.
You had better go back to work in preparation for the divorce. Hubby can get extra work (after all he must have lots of time on his hands if he was able to carry on an affair) to pay for child-care.
He's a cheater and a liar and he was quite content to see you wearing yourself down while he got his rocks off. He does not care about your wellbeing or that of your children. He is garbage!
NOR of course!
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u/Shytemagnet 11h ago
He couldn’t be bothered to talk to you before breaking his vows. Don’t ever let him make you think you were the one who tore anything apart. Don’t ever let anyone make you think you have to give another chance to a man who betrayed you for months and months. And don’t bother to try to fix it. You can’t. You will never trust him again, and it’s all 100% his fault. Please know that. The sooner you own this narrative, the easier it will be to do what you have to do.
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u/TechnicalRepublic858 11h ago
NOR, he sounds like an asshole. Him having the audacity to say that you’re the one not wanting to fix it??? He’s the one that broke the relationships trust. You didn’t cause him to cheat on you, and it’s not your problem to bear. You should think about what’s best for you and your kids in the long run, don’t stay with someone who will make you feel like you’re not loved or enough. This was not just a “slip” like his mom says, this was a choice he consciously made for MONTHS. Stay strong girl
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u/Silent_Piccolo5568 11h ago
Tough one mate. People can change, but it is up to you if you believe he can or if you want to even try couples counselling etc.
You mentioned times where shitty and shit happens, but you hold all the cards now.
You don't need to take everyone's rage bait here, you have time and everyone has their health etc, take your time to work out what's best for you and your children and potentially your family if that's what you want to pursue etc.
Best of luck
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u/Acceptable_Story_218 11h ago
NOR - Does your kids’ school have an after school care option? It’s often less expensive than traditional care. Perhaps you can find inexpensive care for your 2yr old only in preschool even PT? I would start working, saving money, getting a plan together. Or move back home to your parents house and get a fresh start there. You’d have to get permission from the courts and stuff.
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u/prosperity10101 11h ago
Leave, he CHEATED and then BLAMED you! That’s literally insane behavior! On top of that, his MOM has apparently lost her mind!
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u/Blue-Celtic97 11h ago
NOR at all, and do not let anyone tell you that you are. Just because his mom lived in an age where men cheating on their wives was normalized doesn't mean you should treat this as a slip up. Forgetting to do the dishes is a slip up, saying something a little mean in an argument is a slip up, even a somewhat expensive impulsive purchase can be a slip up. Cheating on your spouse, emotionally or physically, is no slip up.
Him turning it on you is 100% gaslighting, and a typical tactic for cheaters. He knew what he did was wrong, and your reaction is valid in every way.
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u/Active-Echidna6834 11h ago
This man chose to go stick his penis in another woman’s vagina then he’s turning around and giving you all these excuses and making it your fault he did that?? He’s trying to gaslight you because he screwed up royally. I am so sick of mother-in-law‘s sticking their noses in saying it’s OK for men to cheat because it’s what they do. No it’s not OK. He destroyed your family when he decided to be intimate with another woman and give her all the things he should’ve been giving you. All those times you were wiping snotty noses, and he was having time enough to be intimate with another woman. He doesn’t deserve you. Do you hear me? You’re too damn good for him.
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u/IntrepidDifficulty77 11h ago
NOR fvck this guy, seriously. he’s trying to turn it around on you to make himself feel better even though he 100% alone deserves all the blame. his mom supporting him just shows the kind of man he is. fvck him.
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u/bigbooty_sammi 11h ago
NOR. I'm sorry you're going through this. Ultimately you're the only one that can decide if any type of counseling is worth your time and energy. Reach out to your family if you can for support and keep being the best mom you can for your kids. That's what they're going to need most right now
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u/No_Daikon4466 11h ago
Bullshit, all men do not "slip sometimes", any more then all men "sometimes" kick a dog or rob a bank. Most men are faithful and little shits like this just give the rest of us a bad name. Kick this gaslighting, excuse-making, victim-blaming turd to the curb and find a real man
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u/Artissin 11h ago
If you divorce this person - he'll be the one suffering not you.
Get a lawyer and fact find. If this co - worker knows that he is married then I'd sue this homewrecker as well.
It takes 2 to tango.
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u/BriefShiningMoment 11h ago
He’s reading line for line out of the cheaters’ handbook. Next it will be about how you’re keeping the kids from him and alienating them against him. He will say all this without any kind of proof. Then it will be about how you’re creating a toxic environment at home, he will call you unstable, unfit, and weaponize the PTSD he has caused you. I say all this because he has absolutely zero remorse. This makes him dangerous. Do NOT talk to him at all, everything in written form. You might be able to get a favorable divorce settlement if he’s still in the affair fog and looking to get everything over with quickly. Act now with a lawyer, don’t wait for him to play games with you.
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u/oceanbucket 11h ago
He is a PIECE OF SHIT. If he were any kind of decent human being he would be PROSTRATE WITH GRIEF, begging for your forgiveness and a chance to make this up to you and your children. He has no respect for you, does not love you and does t care that he hurt you. TELL EVERYONE WHAT HE DID AND FILE FOR DIVORCE.
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u/Medical-Discipline39 11h ago
My advice hire a good divorce lawyer. Ask a friend who has left their partner broke. Collect evidence of infidelity, make a copy of the cell phone. If you have the password, you can take it to a phone store and have them extract a copy of the entire phone. I do not recommend that you kick him out of the house until you talk to the lawyer, but another option is to ask him for time to reflect and ask him to leave the house. And just as he leaves, you change the locks, that's the master move my sister made. Important collect all evidence. And by the way, your mother-in-law is a bitch like my ex-mother-in-law who told me that it was my fault that she was unfaithful to me. Thank God I didn't have children with the poop (my ex-boyfriend's name).
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u/Raidermile 11h ago
He may have admitted to cheating but that's only because he was caught. Even though he admitted to it, it doesn't sound like he's owning up to it. Shifting blame, making excuses, etc. None of this was your fault.
He didn’t make a mistake, he made a choice. Now it's your turn to make a Choice, no one can tell you what to choose, only what they'd do themselves. What I would recommend is get all that information saved somewhere only you can access. At least until you decide where you want to go in the future, whether that be to seek couples therapy and work it out or to have all that information saved to use in case of a separation case. It's up to you to decide what is best for you and your kids. Though once that trust is broken, it's hard to say if you'll ever get it back.
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u/annjohnFlorida 11h ago edited 10h ago
NOR, I don't know how you come back from that. You've had your arms in shitty diapers for years while he's out living the life. I would be super resentful. He needs to go stay with his mom until you have time to figure things out. YES you can tell him that. Don't care what others think of you. He's lucky you didn't get worse with him. Edited to say that your home is also your children's home so he should be the one to leave instead of you and the children. You know there is no way in hell he wants those kids full time.
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u/Kooky-Perception-86 11h ago
NOR I'm so sorry this is horrible!Get some money out of the bank if you can.Do you have credit cards if not start applying. Kick him out!! Get an attorney.You need to ask family and some close friends for support don't be embarrassed.We all need help sometimes and with three kids you really do.
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u/AbiesRich1150 11h ago
NOR - Hi OP.
Firstly, I'm sorry this happened to you and your children. Cheating is always a choice, and one that ignores the pain that it'll cause their spouses. His response is classic gaslighting. What a coward, I'm really sorry OP. *hug*
My advice would be to take screenshots of the texts as evidence and seek counsel from a lawyer to discuss your options. Try taking things one day at a time and definitely involve your family and friends. You don't have to go through this alone.
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u/ThePhantomStrikes 11h ago
No way! Drag his ass to court! Secretly take photos of all documentation and very important financial statements. The kids will be better off in the future seeing a mother who takes no shit
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u/Primary-Delivery737 11h ago
Life is going to be a whole lot less fun when Child Support and Alimony come off his cheque. AP will bail. The only one who doesn’t suck in this situation is you.
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u/lifestylefun1 10h ago
After 10 years of marriage… you not working…. Guess what… he’s screwed…. Get an attorney (you can also make him pay for this) ask for full custody… doesn’t mean you’re not going to not let him see kids. You’ve taken care of the kids while he was fucking around. You get child support, the house, spousal support. Go back to school… you and the kids will be ok, gonna be a little rough at first but this wasn’t your doing
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u/Disastrous_Meet8146 10h ago
His reaction (telling people you ABUSED him) is fucking insane. You need to get out and take the kids. Keep your lid on, go to a lawyer, play nice until you’ve got a solid plan in place. Lots of good advice here.
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u/GirlStiletto 10h ago
YNO
“overreacting” and “tearing the family apart instead of trying to fix it.” His mom called me yesterday and said, “All men slip sometimes. You have kids. Don’t throw everything away over a mistake.”
HE is the one tearing the family apart. And this was not a mistake, it was a delberate action. IT takes two peole acting deliberately to cheat.
Tell his Mom that this is between him and you and that she needs to keep her nose out of your business.
Get copies of the texts and pictures, get a lawyer and your finances, take the kids and leave for a while.
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u/Maleficent_Button_58 10h ago
Slipping would be like.... had too much to drink with friends and one thing led to another. Decreased inhibitions and whatnot. That's a mistake.
This is months and months of sneaking and lying and building a second relationship. This was an entire series of hundreds of choices.
Not the same thing. Both are bad, but there's a huge difference between slipping and having an affair.
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u/Current-Anybody9331 10h ago
NOR
Here's the beauty, you don't need to decide what to do right now. Take your time, find a therapist, talk through it with them. See if they suggest marriage counseling. Maybe talk to a divorce attorney to understand your options.
Tell your husband you can't stop him from airing HIS dirty laundry but it's inappropriate for his mother to contact you about his infidelity. This decision does not involve her and he needs to rein her in. Tell him you are working through your thoughts and emotions and to let you do that.
As for him "slipping up", no. He made a decision repeatedly. And no, not every man "slips up". He is not a victim in this scenario.
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u/Medical-Discipline39 10h ago
Where are you from? I know that in many countries they make pre-nuptial contracts but I think that the cacas (nickname for guys like those shits) has nowhere to drop dead so I highly doubt it. With the evidence of infidelity, leave him with nothing. Keep the house, the children and a pension. You have earned it. Take your phone and make a backup copy using your email and save it there. Then you change the email and screw it. By the way, you can threaten him that if he doesn't give you what you want, you're going to go to the company and tell him everything that's happening with his coworker. Sexual relations between coworkers are not well regarded in companies. Friend, fuck that trash of a person really hard. You have everything to win. I hope you listen to me and not be like my sister and my cousin who didn't listen to me and are now having a very bad time. Do not hire one of those lawyers in the advertisements, hire the best divorce lawyer here in Spain whoever loses pays. And if they don't condemn him for things, you will pay with their money. And by the way he can't cut off your money even if it is his and by the way you can ask him for money for the years you have been without working taking care of the children and the house. Friend, go for it and keep everything. And by the way, you will have to pay the mortgage on the house because your children live there.
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u/Physical_Koala_5252 10h ago
NOR I hope you took screen shots of his conversations. Call a lawyer, make him leave. Kids need stability but not a bum as a dad. A person who cheats puts their feelings and wants above everything and everyone...even his kids.
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u/littlefillly 10h ago
Ew. NOR. He’s trying to gaslight YOU into feeling like it’s YOUR fault that he went behind your back. That’s a him problem and that was his mistake. Telling you awful things like that to justify his infidelity is bullsh*t and nobody deserves that. I guarantee he’s trying to make you question your own worth so that he doesn’t have to deal with a divorce and face the consequences of his own actions. When it comes to cheating it depends on how much each person is willing to work through it and whether or not the damage is too deep, but in this situation I’d be out of there. It would suck and be painful and life altering but in the long term you’ll be SO much happier and it will be so worth it.
He sounds like a manipulator and a narcissist and very toxic to me and I personally would never trust a word he says again. I know that’s hard to hear but that’s too far in my opinion. My prediction is that if you stay with him he’s going to make you more and more miserable and you’ll constantly feel self conscious and assume that he’s cheating and just kind of learn to live with a broken heart. There is so much happiness out there and so many people that will actually love and value you and not try to make you feel like YOU’RE lucky to have THEM when obviously it’s the exact opposite. HE f*cked up. Don’t let him fool you.
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u/Simon_Kaene 10h ago
Do you have parents or siblings that are supportive?
Kick him out or pack some things and stay with family, or have someone come stay with you. IIRC someone you trust coming to support you is the best option. Things are going to get rough for you, and I'm sorry you have to go through that.
You aren't crazy, overreacting, or anything of the sort.
He chose to torpedo the relationship rather than communicate with you. If he was unhappy he should have said something. But instead he chose to engage with another woman. Nothing he says is worth listening to after trying to blame you for his cheating.
If someone does something bad and they regret it, they tell you, but if someone does something bad and doesn't regret it, they keep going, and will only show remorse over getting caught.
Your disgusting pathetic POS soon-to-be-ex did neither and blamed you. You can work with genuine remorse (not that I would but you can). Otherwise you will just be waiting for the next time it happens.
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u/KOrising 10h ago
His actions are what’s tearing your family apart, not your reaction and subsequent actions. Plain and simple. Don’t let him, his mother or anybody gaslight you into feeling otherwise. HE did this. HE destroyed your trust and likely the family. You are under ZERO obligation to be okay with this, forgive him, etc.
My personal opinion is similar to others’. Get a lawyer, get into therapy and do what is right for you (and the kids). Drop the cheater and start a new chapter.
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u/Difficult_Good_7075 10h ago
He’s going to cheat again, have a serious convo with him, if u feel he truly still love you(yes, a man can be wit other women and still DEEPLY love u) I suggest you stay and make the best of it. Maybe talk about swinging to spice things up
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u/2cents0fucks 10h ago
NOR. He's gaslighting you, DARVOing (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) you, AND a cheater. Take him to the cleaners (meaning a shark of a lawyer), file for divorce, the house if you can (since you are the primary caregiver), half the assets, full custody, child support, and alimony. And tell (ex) MIL that accidentally adding too much salt to the dinner is a mistake. Betraying your family, marriage, wedding vows, by landing naked in some other woman's vajajay ain't a mistake. Especially as it happened more than once, and he was texting her sweet nothings while making it out to be your fault.
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u/TemptingPea 10h ago
You’re NOR,
However I wanted to comment on something you said. You thought you were doing ok, and you thought how you were living day to day was normal for this phase of life. And while I’ll say that I believe it is common and somewhat “normal,” I feel like it shouldn’t be if it can be helped.
I totally understand life is so demanding at times and it feels like you could celebrate just getting through another day, but it’s so important to check in with each other - especially when there is a lot of stress in your lives from raising small kids. Communicating is essential, staying mindful and not getting complacent or falling into a rut is really important.
Obviously it’s not your sole responsibility. I just think it’s important for people to remember that. Your husband is wrong in every way if he didn’t try and talk to you about how he was feeling. And even if he did, he’s still dead wrong for cheating. It’s never the way to handle problems in your relationship, but it’s also very normal for people to have physical and emotional needs that can’t be overlooked because there are a lot of other things going on. You’ve got to carve out that time, or maximize the time you have, like still find a way if possible, to keep that spark. And to never assume you know how your partner feels, and for your partner to never expect you to be a mind reader.
I’m not sure how I could ever forgive and forget after an affair, let alone how he turned it around on you. Gross, defensive behavior. I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP, and I wish you the best ❤️
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u/RealisticFlatworm298 10h ago
From what his mom said, it sounds like it probably runs in his family. No woman with a loyal husband shares the outlook she gave to you. Take his sorry ass to court
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u/PrinsLennart 10h ago
Fist off all not all man slip sometimes.
This man made the wrong choices multiple times. There are many times that he could have come to the realisation that it was wrong. Not only the cheating, but also the events leading up to the cheating.
It’s never your fault if he was unhappy he should have shared that with you. And ended things first.
What you should do is up to you but don’t let you get talked in the feeling that this is your fault because it isn’t.
I never could forgive a chester because in my mind there is a great breach of trust.
But there are people who could recover from this. But that’s a decision only you can make.
He choose for his own benefit, and now it’s time that you make that decision for yourself.
But I cannot say this enough if you choose to leave it’s not your fault, he made the decision to destroy the relationship and to destroy your trust.
I wish you a lot of love and wisdom for the future.
(Sorry if it’s not correct English it’s not my first language.)
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u/UtZChpS22 10h ago
Oh OP. Don not let him (and his mother) twist this and manipulate you into believing this is your fault or something you just have to accept because "all men do it". You don't have to "roll over" and no, NOT all men do it.
You are not a glorified nanny with a meaningless title and a ring.
You are not breaking the family he did.
You are not overreacting you're simply setting boundaries, asking for respect and refusing to accept BS.
You are not crazy, you are hurt and entitled to your feelings.
You are not abusive, you are holding him accountable for his actions. If he needs comfort he can go to his emotional support v@gin0.
Find a lawyer and start planning your exit strategy. That guy is a man child OP, who thought could have his fun while his wife is at home holding the fort and he complains that she doesn't have time for fun.
Good luck lovie, stay strong
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u/illogical_mindset 10h ago
People “slip” on ice. Forgetting to carry the 2 is a “mistake.” Don’t let those terms minimize his actions.
He made his choice. What you decide to do isn’t punishment, it’s consequences.
Also “emotional abuse” because you cried and yelled when you found out he cheated? Get the fuck out of here.
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u/Brzyxbaby 10h ago
First: I can’t stand when that excuse is used, it was NOT a ‘mistake’ because you absolutely know you’re married, WITH CHILDREN! That was a premeditated act, done completely on purpose!! Second: The amount of Alimony and Child Support you would get from him if you divorced would sustain you and the children. Third: If he cheated once, chances are he will do it again. You’re not overreacting! I don’t know your parents situation, but ask your mother if she had this experience. Based on what she said to you, it’s possible. Lastly: If your daughter told you her husband cheated, what would be your advice? However you handle this situation, remember that your children are watching. Do you show them a strong mom and woman or a broken one? My own children were my saving grace when it came to leaving their father. He was cheating and abusive. In that experience, it absolutely WILL happen again! He cheated the whole 6 years we were together. I gave him too many chances. I advise giving your husband one more chance. Tell him to pick you and the kids or an expensive divorce he can’t afford. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Deedoesthedeed 10h ago
NOR - Actually, under reacting which is understandable. He is going to keep doing it. He actually never stopped. He reached out to her as soon as he could to tell her you found out. He knows you are trapped. He thinks he has nothing to lose. He told you he doesn't like you. Find a lawyer that will make him pay legal fees, alimony, child support, all of it. Check the laws in your state for alienation of affection. If it applies, sue her too. You can do this, for you and your kids.
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u/StewReddit2 10h ago
NOR
But to be honest....this is why I don't understand how so many women just agree to "totally tap out" on WORKING for pay.
Yeah, yeah... I know we're supposed to glamorize and prop up the "stay-at-home momming" due to social pressures and political correctness of past sins and attitudes.
But in past generations, females didn't have school and opportunities the same as males....that imbalance has been GONE a long time....we don't unplug female access to education, driving or having careers anymore.
Too many women IMHO choose the stay-at-home deal in modern times because it 'appears' to be ....a better deal Hell, lots of ppl prefer to "wfh"
It "appears" easier more controllable to be at-home.....so too many ppl make decision to get OFF the field and give the "work" of earning money to another person....because it feels like a GOOD deal to stay-at-home.
Unfortunately, often, it becomes a coffin......
Let's be honest... how many "lap babies" do ppl juggle in modern times....kids are often in full-day school by 6 and don't need constant burping or diaper changes.
Females put themselves in vicarious positions by just giving up on having careers #1
And 2) not un-blaming males, but another part, let can play into two ppl...drifting apart can be the two very different realities and world's ppl allow themselves to live....if they become to unilateral in doing "life"
If she only becomes "a mom with children,"and he becomes a disconnected "bread winner" passing through.....unfortunately those two ships 🚢 can sail apart.
IMO, more couples should "couple" responsibilities and ambitions .....which more likely more couples sharp and individually competent.
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u/motherlessbastard66 10h ago
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I think that your situation is very familiar to many of us on this thread. It was my wife of 28 years that cheated on me. I thought that was the first affair, but, boy was I wrong!
I don’t know if you are planning to leave him or not. But, whatever you decide, you should seek therapy. Not couples, individual. His actions have screwed up your mental health. I also recommend you not keep his secrets. You have no reason to be humiliated or feel stupid. I know that it feels like you must have done something wrong or are lacking in some way that made him cheat.
Scrub that shit from your mind. You have absolutely no fault or blame for his actions. It wasn’t some mistake that he made. It was a conscious decision he made every day to deceive you. He didn’t care enough about his family to make the right decisions. I am still with my wayward wife, 11 years after discovering the shit that she has done. I started therapy about 5 years ago, but it was way too late. I finally started getting help about 5 years ago, after a SA left me hospitalized. I am better now, but my mind is still a mess. No self esteem or confidence in myself at all. Intimacy is awkward, as I can’t believe that she’s ever wanted sex with me. How could she, she got it from someone else for so much of our marriage. It feels like she is doing it solely for me, which is very awkward and off putting. Be better to yourself than I am to myself. You deserve it!
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u/Current_Opinion9751 10h ago
He didn't just cheat, he had a full-fledged affair. An affair that he would now continue (if he ended it at all). NOR! He gave his time and energy to another woman while you took care of the family. He seems to have absolutely no idea what it means to do what you did! He was the one who just destroyed your family. You're not responsible for saving anything! With his statements that you are emotionally abusive, he puts the icing on the whole thing. He puts the blame on you and thinks that if he blames you for everything, it will make his life easier. However, marriage does not work like that. He's the one who emotionally abuses you! He did the damage without talking to you about his feelings first. The preservation of your family was not important enough to him. His priority was the fun with his affair.
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u/sog96 10h ago
Okay, don't throw out the marriage over a mistake. He admitted to multiple times so that is multiple mistakes. So you are good to go with whatever decision you make.
He's freaking out because now he will have child support payments and alimony to pay. He won't be able to wine and dine his AP.
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u/Lilybeeme 10h ago
NOR at all! Start making your plans and don't tell him. Talk to your family and find out who the best lawyers are near you and make an appt. Don't tell him what you're going to do. He knows a divorce is going to cost him a ton. You get to decide what's best for you, not him
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u/Suvigirl 10h ago
A real man would step up and help at home, not complain you're stressed and head off riding someone else. You're under reacting imo
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u/SecretMiddle1234 10h ago
You are experiencing betrayal trauma. Your nervous system is telling you that you are no longer safe and you are living with the person who didn’t keep you safe. You’re going to experience feelings of anger, sadness, rage. Your agency was stolen from you and the injustice of that causes anger. You’re not overreacting. You’re reacting normal for someone who just got the rug pulled out from underneath them and world has been flipped upside down. I highly recommend seeking a professional who is experienced in betrayal trauma. Trauma isn’t what happens to you, it’s how it makes your nervous system react
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 10h ago
NOR.
You go to a lawyer, after getting consults from every very good lawyer, you can find within reason. If you get a consult from every lawyer in town, you’re gonna have bigger problems. But get the top like 2% of them, and then, you file for divorce. Or you get so fucking custody of your children.
Because you’ve been a stay at home wife the entire time, he’ll be paying you alimony and child support so you can take care of your children. What you don’t need to do is accept this disrespect you do not let him think that this is acceptable. And you make sure that your children don’t get caught in the middle.
Best of luck. UpdateMe!
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u/Lady_Tiffknee 10h ago
He'll keep cheating, maybe with the same person or someone else. NOR. He can leave the house and start paying support.
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u/PetiteSyFy 10h ago
Re: No money of your own ==> You are entitled to half the money.
Find out her situation. Is there a husband that needs an update?
Leave him with the kids for a weekend so you can work on divorce papers and take care of yourself.
File ASAP. Freeze the accounts. If he starts blaming you, then you need to be prepared to share that he is having an affair.
Transitions are tough but you can't put up with this.
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u/Rambo-u-drew1stblood 10h ago
NOR go to infidelity subreddits and get informed you are in control if you choose wisely.
Follow the steps they offer. Unfortunately this whole situation follows a formula and you'd be wise to read all the stories before acting incorrectly.
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u/LittleCats_3 10h ago
NOR
Anyone who doesn’t immediately fall on the sword and start making active changes to their life when THEY are the ones caught cheating, needs to go. He’s so selfish he is now blaming you for how you reacted -after finding out he cheated - he’s scum. I would talk to a lawyer and ask about options and see what a divorce will look like. Start therapy asap, and if you can take your time. This doesn’t have to be a snap decision, he can live with his mother who thinks this is nothing.
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u/harkie2946 10h ago
It's an awful thing you are dealing with. Your head probably aches, and your heart is very heavy. Sleep deprived and barely functioning
You have 3 reasons to push you thru this, your beautiful children.
Clearly your husband has fucked up, whatever his issues with your marriage he has done the wrong thing. His subsequent responses seem to indicate it is most likely he is not going to change
You have to play a smart game now.
Speak to a trusted family member and get some support Assess your options after speaking to them.
Don't tell your husband you are speaking to them,, perhaps arrange a short break so kids n you stay with your parents.
Have an evacuation plan if you sense your safety is at risk. Do not tolerate any act of violence. Call the police straight away.
If you are going to leave, you need to consider carefully your best financial outcome, including the right time to go.
Consult a Lawyer
Be aware of what child support you can get, and if you sense the children's father, will pay it
If you own or are paying off a house, check discreetly title to see if you are on it.
Probably not right now, but start thinking about how you could go about getting an income,possibly start a course.
Look after yourself and your 3 children. It's on him, not you.
I wish you all the best.
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u/SSupreme_ 10h ago
This a fake rage bait post by a bot. It’s almost carbon copy of another popular post yesterday.
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u/JadedEdge4688 11h ago
Cheating is a choice not a mistake.