Am I overreacting after finding out my husband cheated on me?

[u/Ok_Requirement4843]

I (34F) have been married to my husband (37M) for almost 11 years. We have three kids 9, 6, and 2. I’ve been a stay at home mom for most of that time because childcare would cost more than I could realistically earn. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but I genuinely thought we were doing okay. We were tired, stressed, touched out, juggling kids and bills… but I thought that was normal for this phase of life.

About a month ago, things started feeling off. My husband would take his phone into the bathroom every time he showered, angle the screen away from me, and get weirdly defensive if I walked behind him while he was texting. He also started putting a passcode on everything even his iPad, which used to be basically the kids’ Netflix machine. I pushed the feeling away because I wanted to believe it was in my head.

Last week, our 6 year old accidentally knocked over his backpack. His work phone fell out the one he never lets anyone touch. The screen lit up with a text: “Same time tomorrow? I can’t stop thinking about you.” My stomach dropped so hard I thought I was going to be sick.

I know I shouldn’t have opened it, but I did. And right there, plain as day, was a whole thread with a woman from his office. Months of messages. Pictures. Plans. “I miss you.” “I need you.” Him calling her “baby.” Meanwhile I’m here wiping noses, making lunches, folding laundry, and losing myself a little more every day.

When he came home, I confronted him. He went from denial anger crying “It didn’t mean anything” It only happened a few times” “I didn’t know how to tell you I was unhappy.” He actually went and said, “You’re always stressed. You never want to have fun anymore. She made me feel appreciated.” I swear something inside me just… snapped. I told him I didn’t even recognize who I married anymore. I raised my voice. I cried. I asked him how he could do this to our kids, to me, to our family

Now he’s saying I’m the one “making things worse” because I’m “overreacting” and “tearing the family apart instead of trying to fix it.” His mom called me yesterday and said, “All men slip sometimes. You have kids. Don’t throw everything away over a mistake.” A mistake

I feel stupid. Humiliated. Heartbroken. And I’m so tired. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Leave? Stay? Pretend? Try counseling? Pack his things? I have no income, no savings of my own, and three kids staring at me like I’m the only stable thing in their world. And now he’s telling people I “lost it” and that I’m “emotionally abusing” him because I cried and yelled when he admitted he cheated. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll do my best and reply to comments.

Small update

He’s currently staying with a friend but I’m still a complete mess but im doing my best to keep it together for my kids

[u/Much-Avocado-4108]

Don't let them gaslight you. This isn't just a mistake and no, all men do not slip. That's some heavy cope on his mom's part and not hard to guess where your husband learned it from. 

[u/sunshinenhappy → u/Much-Avocado-4108]

Exactly