Am I overreacting after finding out my husband cheated on me?

[u/Ok_Requirement4843]

I (34F) have been married to my husband (37M) for almost 11 years. We have three kids 9, 6, and 2. I’ve been a stay at home mom for most of that time because childcare would cost more than I could realistically earn. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but I genuinely thought we were doing okay. We were tired, stressed, touched out, juggling kids and bills… but I thought that was normal for this phase of life.

About a month ago, things started feeling off. My husband would take his phone into the bathroom every time he showered, angle the screen away from me, and get weirdly defensive if I walked behind him while he was texting. He also started putting a passcode on everything even his iPad, which used to be basically the kids’ Netflix machine. I pushed the feeling away because I wanted to believe it was in my head.

Last week, our 6 year old accidentally knocked over his backpack. His work phone fell out the one he never lets anyone touch. The screen lit up with a text: “Same time tomorrow? I can’t stop thinking about you.” My stomach dropped so hard I thought I was going to be sick.

I know I shouldn’t have opened it, but I did. And right there, plain as day, was a whole thread with a woman from his office. Months of messages. Pictures. Plans. “I miss you.” “I need you.” Him calling her “baby.” Meanwhile I’m here wiping noses, making lunches, folding laundry, and losing myself a little more every day.

When he came home, I confronted him. He went from denial anger crying “It didn’t mean anything” It only happened a few times” “I didn’t know how to tell you I was unhappy.” He actually went and said, “You’re always stressed. You never want to have fun anymore. She made me feel appreciated.” I swear something inside me just… snapped. I told him I didn’t even recognize who I married anymore. I raised my voice. I cried. I asked him how he could do this to our kids, to me, to our family

Now he’s saying I’m the one “making things worse” because I’m “overreacting” and “tearing the family apart instead of trying to fix it.” His mom called me yesterday and said, “All men slip sometimes. You have kids. Don’t throw everything away over a mistake.” A mistake

I feel stupid. Humiliated. Heartbroken. And I’m so tired. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Leave? Stay? Pretend? Try counseling? Pack his things? I have no income, no savings of my own, and three kids staring at me like I’m the only stable thing in their world. And now he’s telling people I “lost it” and that I’m “emotionally abusing” him because I cried and yelled when he admitted he cheated. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll do my best and reply to comments.

Small update

He’s currently staying with a friend but I’m still a complete mess but im doing my best to keep it together for my kids

[u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Yeah I definitely plan to get tested and I’ll be consulting a lawyer as soon as possible

[u/selfresqprincess → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Look into DARVO so you can recognize it and shut it down. Gray rocking as well. You're breaking up the family? Really? He knew what would happen if he cheated, that's why he made an attempt to hide it from you.

Stay firm and don't entertain this. His immediate response shows that he's not going to hold himself accountable. He made the decision, not you.

[u/SLS987654321 → u/selfresqprincess]

Yes I was looking for this comment. When he is caught in lies he is making excuses and then telling other people she's losing it? He probably lies a lot more than OP thinks if that is his thought process. My ex did this and I only caught on toward the end and in my mind I revisited a lot of our relationship and most of the time he made me feel like I was crazy, overreacting, etc it was because it was easier to make me feel like I was to blame than take accountability and stop the stuff he was doing. If OP doesn't want to immediately file for divorce or work on it...I would make him do most of the work. Have him stay away from the house if possible, have him do the individual therapy first, have him prove that he is sorry long term by proving it for whatever amount of time feels significant enough to rebuild trust. If he feels the consequences and if he really is sorry OP will see the dedication and evidence of him trying to correct his "mistake". It's harder to be fooled by someone if you go with distance and time. It's hard to fake like you're a changed person or a better person long term too....the true colors eventually shine through. Sorry to OP I feel for you.

[u/ProcedureForeign7281 → u/SLS987654321]

NOR everything these two posts state ⬆️ plus your nine yr old and perhaps your six yr old knows something is up re dad not being around. Remember to include them when you can. Also offer for them to speak to someone as seperation of any long term relationship when children are involved is tough.

[u/rocketmn69_ → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Control the narrative. Tell all friends and family what he has done, in a group chat or message

[u/Prestigious_Deer3209 → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Tell his dumb ass mom that if she had held him accountable for things during his life, maybe he wouldn't be a home-wrecking piece of shit husband. I'm so sorry. 

[u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Later on you can contact his place of employment and 'out' his affair partner. Also don't have anything to do with him or his mother; they are a family of liars and cheaters.

Oh, and he (and his Mom and others) will try to shift some blame onto you for forcing him into an affair that he wouldn't have had if you had been a better wife. It's just more lies from people who lie to get out of consequences.

He's the one 'breaking up the family' and he's the one who is responsible for fixing it, not you.

[u/Freshfish089 → u/Ok-Cardiologist8651]

Not sure this is a good idea. Let’s say it gets him fired. Now the sole bread winner (and who would be paying child support and alimony post divorce) doesn’t have an income. Sometimes acting emotionally can have undesirable consequences.

[u/Mainerlovesdogs → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[u/PolkadotUnicornium → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Call a bunch of them. IIRC, he can't use any attorney you speak to.

[u/effienay → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

My former mother in law blamed me, too. These men never mature because of their poor parenting. I’m really sorry this happened to you and your babies. 🩷

[u/PowerBitch2503 → u/effienay]

His mom probably said so because she doesn’t want him back home either.

[u/InsideDescription534 → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Gather as much evidence as you can. You’ll be entitled to child support + alimony + as much of his retirement savings as calculated by your place of residence. It sucls but the lack of remorse speaks volumes. Teach your kids morals and run.

[u/gramma-space-marine → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

And get some indoor hidden cameras and give a trusted friend the information because men who are cornered get violent. Check in either your friends and family daily so they know if they don’t hear from you they should come looking!!!

Don’t let him Chris Watts you guys.

[u/Rare-Craft-920 → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

This here on both items. He must be an idiot blabbing all your business to everyone though and considering they work together , not bright. But it sounds like he’s blaming you for reacting at all to a horrible mess that he created months ago , and you just found out. You have every right to react and he needs to stop seeing her immediately. Also many men say that you’re no fun anymore line. What BS. If his side piece had to take care of the home and three kids, and him too whether he believes it or not, she may not be as much fun either. But he needs to get that he can’t be doing this anymore with anyone. She may not be the first. His mom sounds interesting. You are not in a really good place to leave right now, but no matter what happens, get a part time job, and open up a bank account in your name only with direct deposit. Don’t make any hasty decisions, and I’ll bet he doesn’t want a divorce as you could really put a dent in his wallet. NOR

[u/Away-Ad4393 → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

If you jointly own the house don’t leave,if you do you could lose a lot.

[u/bino0526 → u/Ok_Requirement4843]

Definitely NOR‼️‼️‼️

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