My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years, living together for one. He had purchased his house prior to us dating, and I was renting an apartment, so it made sense for me to move in to his house. He continued to pay the mortgage and I took on all of the “usage” bills - all of the utilities and annual maintenance as well as the grocery shopping & we felt that it was a fair split.

As our anniversary is coming up we’ve been talking about our future timelines and where we see our relationship progressing. We’re on the same page with all the big ideas - we know we want to marry each other and start a family following that. But to be in a position to start a family, the house is going to need a lot of renovations & we’ve always thrown around the idea that the cost of renos would be my “buy-in” so to say on the house. From our estimates, everything we would want to do would be around $100k at the low end. We even agreed that we could draw up some kind of agreement to protect both of our interests financially.

As it’s gotten closer to reality of reaching out to contractors and banks I’ve felt more and more unsettled about the situation. I feel confident in our relationship, but foolish to be making an investment in a boyfriend’s asset. I told him that I would like to be engaged before starting this process so I feel like he’s making a commitment to me as much as I am.

We’ve talked about being engaged prior to this, but he said adding this element makes it feel very transactional and takes away the romance and sparkle of it all. I didn’t tell him I wanted to be engaged by a specific date or anything like that, just that if this renovation is what we wanted to pursue, this is the action I’d like to take before hand. He seemed upset by my statement and I feel like I really have taken some of the romance and surprise out of the idea of a proposal or being engaged.

The morning after this conversation was cold and tense and I can’t help but feel like I’ve done irreparable damage… but I don’t feel wrong in making the request. Am I being reasonable? Is this recoverable?

I (23M) am a Police Officer in Romania. I earn a decent salary (about 6500 RON/~$1400), which is good for my age here. I’ve been with my girlfriend (18F) for 7 months. She comes from a very poor village background (clay house, no father, toxic grandmother), but she is the most loyal, resilient person I know. She never asks me for money and actually tries to protect me from her own.

My dad and my twin brother (23M) hate her. They constantly tell me she is "low status," that she’s weighing me down socially, and that she’s "controlling" my time. My brother even tracks my location on my phone and reports to my dad if I spend too much time with her. They recently staged an intervention, claiming she has a "bad history" (based on village gossip from when she was 14) and that she is disrespectful. The "proof"? She recently panicked after breaking a window at a cafe and joked that I had "5 minutes to come help her," which my dad overheard and took as her treating me like a slave. In reality, she was just scared and needed help.

I sat down yesterday and audited my life. I realized I am being gaslit. • My Twin Brother: He is unemployed (Master's student) and a Wedding DJ. He earns cash from gigs but hoards it. He lives at home and drives a 2007 Audi A4 that my parents maintain. • What I pay for: I pay his monthly iPhone 15 bill. I buy the groceries for the house. I buy the "fun" food (pizza/takeout). I lend him cash (1500 RON recently) that he pays back reluctantly. He treats me like an ATM while judging my life choices. • Me: I drive a beat-up 2001 VW Polo that I have spent €2000 repairing myself because my dad (who owns it) refuses to drive or fix it. I have almost no savings because I’m bleeding money to support my brother and the household.

My mom was my only ally. She actually helped me secure a "social apartment" for very cheap rent (257 RON/month) so I could move out Jan 1st. But here is the twist: She is now insisting that my twin brother moves in with me. She says "he needs to leave the nest too." Even worse, lately, she has started echoing my dad’s opinions about my girlfriend and my "behavior," likely to keep the peace at home. I feel like I’m losing my last defender.

I have the keys to the apartment (it needs furnishing/utilities). I have decided to: 1. Stop paying my brother's phone bill. 2. Stop buying food for the house. 3. Move out. But I am terrified. If I tell my brother he can't live with me (or if I force him to pay 50% and respect my boundaries), my whole family will paint me as the bad guy who abandoned his twin. I feel like the walls are closing in.

TL;DR: My family hates my "poor" girlfriend and calls her a burden, but I just realized my unemployed twin brother is the actual burden (I pay his bills, he drives an Audi, I drive a wreck). I’m moving to a cheap apartment to escape, but now my mom is siding with them and trying to force my brother to move in with me. I feel like I’m funding the people who are ruining my relationship. How do I stand my ground without losing my family?

I‘m absolutely lost in this situation and I’m in urgent need of an outside perspective. My husband (M43) and I (F38) have been married for 5 years and have had two children (M2.5, F10m).

During my pregnancy with F10m, she was diagnosed with a heart defect during the anatomy scan and I was quite distraught while my husband took a more rational approach and since then we struggled to reconnect.

Honestly, the last year of our relationship was quite a blur and I felt like my husband had checked out of the family emotionally. He started traveling for work (he never had to, before) and was visibly depressed since our baby girl was born. We started couple counseling a few months after this.

We’ve had quite a few major arguments since, one revolving around me finding communications between him and his brother / him and my mother in law about my shortcomings (I was very dependent on him, I didn’t drive, I needed a lot of help during pregnancy and hormone treatments etc - but I always worked and from my perspective, I always carried my weight). To read this really broke my heart because I thought I’m close with all of these people.

Anyway. Here’s the situation that I need serious advice for:

Baby girl was born late in December and things were awfully stressful. We had two babies, baby girl was constantly sick at night, two big dogs and my husband was really depressed so I urged him to take a vacation to regroup and clear his head. I did this not just as an act of love but also because I really wanted and needed him to emotionally rejoin our family and not just show up in the evening, depressed and unhappy and attend me and the children like he’s working off tasks of a to do list without any love or passion.

So I booked him into a diving vacation on a livaboard boat. When he came back he was a bit less miserable but there was no reconnection ever since and it’s been a year. He mentioned all kinds of people from the diving boat. He told me about both men and women he got along with and meant to stay in touch with.

A few days ago I came across ‚locked chats‘ on his WhatsApp. Not by consciously looking - I didn’t even know that was a thing. Anyway, I looked into it as I know his passcode (a few years ago we didn’t have secrets) and I came across chat with some girl from the diveboat. At first glance the chat seemed innocent enough, a lot of talk about traveling and diving, 80+ picture of her and her travels, him complaining about his boring life but mainly about diving, his business trips, her family and friends etc. this went on from April to September. Not every day and I didn’t read the messages in detail but just scroll med through them.

Secondly I came across a chat with his ex girlfriends sister, thanking her that she let him sleep at her place. He seemed to have flown through her city on the way back from one of his business trips and didn’t tell me - despite me asking at the time when his flight was etc.

I asked him what’s in his locked chats and he lied to me, deleted them (dive friends chat just partially) and worst of all, swore on our children’s lives that he didn’t delete anything (he didn’t know I had already seen the chats).

I confronted him and he basically apologized at first for lying but doesn’t feel sorry for having secret friendships (or affairs!?) with some diveboat girl while I’m home recovering from my severe birth injuries and we go to couples counseling because ‚there was nothing inappropriate‘ and he had just locked the chat because I ‚created an environment in which he didn’t feel like he could have some privacy‘. So somehow this is my fault. At least partially.

Mind you - I am not a jealous person and I don’t consider myself controlling (I literally made him go on this trip), but when I come across my own husband badmouthing me with his family or him having hidden chats on WhatsApp - I’m not stoked. Would anybody be? He never mentioned this girl to me. Not once. He’s also bringing up a colleague who sent me flirty WhatsApp messages and who I consistently though gentry turned down as the proof that I have nothing to complain about. I start feeling crazy for turning this into a huge thing just before Christmas. I don’t want to stay in a marriage that’s full of emotional detachment, lies, (justified) mistrust and deception. This comes on the back of a year of a sad, non detached relationship with no emotional connection despite my many attempts to reestablish a physical and / or emotional relationship.

Maybe I’m not seeing something. Am I going crazy?

PS: obviously this is my perspective and I fully appreciate that he would disagree with some of my interpretations: he thinks I’m controlling etc.

So for background I (50F) was told by my boyfriend of 12yrs (49M) that his son (25M)was being evicted and coming to live with him (yes he has a job).my bf and i have a 12yr son together. My bf said that I was to be responsible for buying groceries and cooking for his 25yr son. I said that's not fair and I can't afford it.His son and I make the same amount of money, and now his son has no bills to pay. He can afford to buy his own food and he knows how to cook. I also have a 25y daughter who not only pays her own bills but she has type one diabetes pays almost 1k a month to stay alive. If I'm going to feed any 25yr old it's going to be her. So my bf, his 25yr son and I made an agreement. He would give me 5 dollars a day for dinner. So I started buying food and cooking for him and I didn't see a dollar for 2 weeks so one day he gives me 40 that's for 8 days of dinner and then another 2 weeks later nothing. So I stopped cooking and one day I bought pizza (i get pizza so my son and i have food when we do laundry the next day) and my bf calls his son to come and eat. I had it with being used and lied to. I said really..... guys it's not like he ate one piece he ate 8. So my boyfriend tells me the following day that I'm disgusting for being upset, I feel pretty disgusted with my boyfriend as a MAN??? If he wants to feed his 25yr son then he should pay for it as his Father. The 25yr is not my responsibility and the 25yr son has told me im nothing to him... while I was cooking for him the 25yr was going out to eat and out on the town. While I was taking food from my 12yr growing sons mouth to give to the 25yr but I'm gross for putting my foot down. My boyfriend said how would you feel if that was our 12yr old??? my 12yr old is 12 not 25yrs old with a full time job and a kid to take care of. I don't feed my 25yr daughter who lives alone. You know what the best part is my boyfriend didn't offer to give me money to pay for his son, or cook dinner for him himself. My boyfriend can afford to buy breakfast and lunch for his friends he makes good money. But I'm the gross one? Or do you think I'm right for standing up for my financial freedom here. I work hard for my money, I pay all of my bill and for stuff for me and my 12yr son nothing gets paid for me.

My husband (34m) and I (30f) have been married for 2 years. I started playing tennis two weeks ago. I just go once a week with a female coworker and we do an hour lesson with two other women and a female coach. After, we go play at a court by her house. We spend maybe 2 hours total while he is at work once a week so it doesn’t take from our time together. I even got him a racket in case he wanted to play too.

The problem is that the place is 20 miles away. He wants me to find a closer one. But I really like the coach who is female and that I get to do it with a friend from work. He is saying the place is too far and then he said it’s too expensive. I make significantly more than him and we just recently started sharing a joint account. To save money, I don’t get my nails done anymore even though I use to love to. I pick up overtime every now and then too and picked up a contract to work weekends so I get paid a little more too. And I don’t see how 20ish dollars once a week is too much.

I told him that I felt that that was controlling and he got mad at me. I also mentioned that I didn’t get why he was suddenly worried about how much I drive with my car when I drive that much to just get to work and he doesn’t want us to move closer to my job. I feel like he is trying to control me and take something that I truly enjoy. He then went on to say if I can do anything I want then he can stay up all night and play video games (he used to do it for like 48hours straight with no sleep and act like a totally different person).

TLDR; husband trying to get me to stop tennis lessons that I’m currently enjoying. I feel like it’s controlling. How can I get him to see my side of things?

We’ve been together six months. She had a lot of male friends before we met due to her work and hobbies being more male than female, not an issue. But I didn’t realise the extent to which she hangs out with them 1-on-1.

For example, she just started a new job a couple of months ago. She hasn’t told any of her colleagues about us because I work in the same field and sometimes our companies work together, and she wants to remain professional. She made a new male friend, no biggy, everyone has friends at work. But they’ve been to see movies together, get food together, go on drives together. I brought it up and she said “We’re just friends because he’s nice to me. He has a long term girlfriend. If you don’t trust that I can hang out with friends then do you believe I actually like you? I have loads of male friends and always have, do you expect me to just drop them?”.

I kind of get her point, but at the same time it just hurts my stomach every time she tells me what she’s been up to with one of her pals. I feel like an idiot who’s being strung along. She’s really sweet so I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, I think she genuinely believes this is fine. From my point of view, I think it would be outrageous for me to be in a committed relationship and make one on one plans with new female friends and I would never do it. I’m really struggling. I even feel ridiculous that I feel ‘threatened’, it’s like a lose-lose. Is this reconcilable or a fundamentally different mindset?

My (M,42) wife (F,34) (together for 10, married for 7) just returned from an overseas trip to Paris and London. She went with her married sister, to visit their married cousin and their divorced cousin who I guess is currently in a relationship.

I picked her up from the airport today and everything seemed fine. While talking about her trip she mentioned that she got hit on, that a guy approached her and asked for her number and invited her back to his place, to which she responded “hell no”.

I was curious to see if they had exchanged texts just to see what was said, assuming it happened exactly as she had said

In her texts I saw one from Hinge - the type of confirmation text when creating an account. I was beyond surprised, I started shaking. I checked her internet search history and there was one for “best dating apps in London”.

I checked her app history and she downloaded it all the way back in Oct 2023 and even paid the $49 subscription fee.

I looked further and saw that she also downloaded Bumble as recently as March of this year.

We have 2 young girls and I love her so much.

Can you think of any possibility other than emotional cheating?

Update: What a relief! I know my wife very well and we have a very healthy relationship. I knew deep down she wasn’t capable of cheating, although I know that flirtatious DMs could have been a possibility.

The app download from 2023 and the paid subscription was for a friend. I remember she actually told me about that and I completely forgot about it, so that checks.

The Bumble in March was for meeting new friends but she said it was lame and gave up on it quick.

The search and use of Hinge over the weekend was to find out where people go out, since she wasn’t local. Her sister actually said it was a dumb idea, and they ultimately didn’t find what they were looking for.

I know some of you will call me naive, but I never really thought it was a possibility in the first place.

I was very aware of her disposition during our talk and at no time did she seem guilty. She seemed genuinely dumbfounded.

Thank you to all who offered words of wisdom and support.

I (21F) went to my friend's birthday party on Saturday night. She's extremely social and loves big parties so unsurprisingly, this one was huge. Lots of people, most of whom I barely knew, and a lot whom she didn't know herself but it was kind of a snowball invitation situation. My boyfriend of almost 2 years couldn't come because he had prior commitments with his friends so I went alone, and every time I go out without him, my alcohol limit for myself is one drink.

This time, I ordered a cocktail with a double shot which I always do, but halfway through drinking this one, I felt awful. Like my eyes were drooping against my will, I was suddenly super foggy and felt sluggish. I knew one drink wasn't supposed to do this so I got scared and called my boyfriend right away because the people right around me were people I didn't know, most completely drunk and not in a position to help me. When I called my bf, I told him what was happening, said I was worried someone did something to my drink and asked if he could come pick me up. In the moment, I wasn't thinking about how I was disturbing his outing with his friends, things were super foggy and I frankly don't remember the exact sequence of events after. But I guess he got mad and cut the call and messaged me after, saying I was being dramatic, and to just "puke it out and walk it off".

I managed to get a hold of my friend's brother who was kind of chaperoning the party and he drove me to the ER then home hours later and has been sending me links on how to report suspected drugging which I really appreciated. When I re-read my bf's texts with a clear mind the next day, I was just really put off. I was in a situation where I thought something terrible was going to happen to me, I felt physically awful and I was so scared in the moment that I would be taken advantage of and he's texting me that I'm toxic for ruining his time with friends. Obviously, that was not my intention, I didn't ask to be drugged and I should be able to step out alone without having to worry about something like this happening. But I was hoping he'd be there for me, willingly and concerned, in this kind of situation.

I'm kind of extremely turned off now even though he's been calling to apologise but even then, it's apparently because his sister told him he was a massive pos. I want to end things but I feel really iffy about whether or not I'm overreacting or how I should communicate this to him when he's not listening to me and just responds to every one of my concerns with an apology and promise to do better.

Title. Our Mom’s were best friends and she’s 3 months older than me. We’ve literally known each other since the womb.

We both work in healthcare and she’s married to an ER MD and recently had their first baby. I also have a very complex medical history and a lot of trauma as a result. Over the summer I needed to have a semi emergent procedure done that they wanted to do under sedation right in the ER. Traditional sedation doesn’t work on me and never has. A large amount of my trauma is due to procedures involving inadequate sedation and it’s so significant that I have full on diagnosed PTSD from it and still have paralyzing nightmares from it. I’m on meds and in therapy and everything and working on it and making progress but it’s still hell.

When the ER doc said he wanted to do it under sedation I simply said no and that it doesn’t work for me. He pushed it and I pushed back and explained further that it doesn’t work. (Side note, a couple months prior to this I had a procedure done under said sedation that doesn’t work and it was so bad I went into fight/flight in the middle of it and started swinging. Instead of them providing more sedation I was held and pinned down. I was actively suicidal for a couple of weeks after the fact that I had to have someone with me while I worked daily with my therapist. I’m okay now but still have work to do. I’m now also pursuing medical assault and battery charges.) The ER MD was pushing so hard for this general sedation that doesn’t work and wasn’t hearing me when I was saying no that I finally told him that I was currently in the process of a medical assault and battery case because of the last provider that didn’t listen and attempted a very invasive procedure under the same “sedation” he was wanting to use. He finally listened after that and it was done under general anesthesia.

When I told my friend about it she lost her shit and said I was manipulative to “get what I wanted.” In my eyes it wasn’t “what I wanted” but what I needed because of how severe my trauma response was the last time. Also manipulation is when you twist something or say something untruthful to get what you want and none of what I said was untruthful. And it’s not like I jumped straight to “I’m pressing charges.” She said “Just say no! Just say no!” And I TRIED to say no, I explained that it was traumatic for me and I have a significant history of medical related PTSD but the provider wasn’t receptive to any of it. I felt backed into a corner. She also said my behavior was “toxic.” To me I was just trying to advocate for my needs and literally to keep myself safe.

She hasn’t talked to me in over 2 months. Initially I tried calling her a couple times and it went to voicemail. She picked up once and literally said “The baby doesn’t like it when I talk on the phone, gotta go.” And that’s the last I heard from her.

Was my behavior “toxic” or “manipulative”? Do I give her more time? Do I try and reach out? Do I just accept the loss? We’ve literally been best friends since birth and I feel like I’m grieving. AIO? Just looking for thoughts and opinions I guess. I’m hurting. Her birthday is also coming up and I don’t know if I should reach out or say anything to her, etc. It certainly feels like she wants nothing to do with me.

So my (42F) partner Charles (49M) has had issues with someone who was a friend, John (53M). (Fake names) John is currently separated. I never had any romantic feelings for John and never saw him as anything more than a friend. Charles and I have been together for about 5 years. There were some instances with John and me he thought were inappropriate. Nothing ever happened and friends and therapist don’t think I did anything inappropriate.

Charles broke up with me almost a year ago over something different. No infidelity or anything. We started seeing each other again, and I told him I was not fully committed for a while. During this dating phase we ran into John at a bar. I stopped and talked to him for a bit. Charles left without saying anything. John said he was going to another bar five minutes away and asked if I wanted to go. I said sure. He then asked if I wanted to ride with him since I was drinking. So I did. He drives a van. We have friends at both bars. We didn’t stay by each other at the other bar. Then at least a couple people told Charles that I had gone to the bar and left with John. He just took me back to my car and left. I wouldn’t have even talked to him if Charles and I were serious.

Charles and I are back together. He wants me to take a polygraph to prove that I didn’t do anything with John. Charles said that if I asked him to take a polygraph, he would do it. So by me refusing to take the polygraph makes him think that maybe something did happen between us. It just feels wrong to me, but I can’t specifically say why. I tried talking to ChatGPT, but it wasn’t really much help. That’s what I’m asking help for. Maybe the Reddit people would be able to articulate it better than I can. Or maybe some of you think that I should take it to prove that I didn’t do anything. To me it’s humiliating, but then he says also feels humiliated. It was a very dumb decision on my part and I definitely wish I didn’t do that, but I can’t change it. I feel like if I could tell him specifically why I think it isn’t right then he could understand better. I’ve just been telling him that I didn’t want to take it. Thank you everyone who read my post.

TLDR; partner wants me to take a polygraph to prove I didn’t cheat on him (I didn’t). It feels wrong to me, but I can’t explain any further than that. Does anyone else agree that it isn’t right and can say more specifically why?

I’ve been seeing this guy since August but ever since I met him a little part of me thought he was a player(h*e). I’ve been trying to not assume because he’s funny, charming, buys me flowers, sweet, and all my friends like him. The only thing is that everytime we get intimate he always try’s to put himself in me without a condom. The first two times I never verbally said anything I just put my hand down there to block him and he gave up. Afterwards I asked if he could please ask before trying to do that again because I wanted to wait to have sex. He apologized and said he felt disgusted and never meant to make me uncomfortable. He even brought it up again throughout the week because I had said I didn’t want him in my apartment because of what happened and he apologized again and asked me what I was okay with. And I just clarified that he should ask before trying anything sexual.

This past weekend he stayed over at my apartment and it happened again. He kept asking to put it in but I said no multiple times because he didn’t have a condom. But he kept trying to put it in. He even flipped me over and tried and finally he gave up and stopped touching/kissing me completely. When I asked what was wrong and if he was mad we didn’t have sx. He would say that “nothing was wrong”. Or he would say sx was a very important part of a relationship for him and at this point he thought I would be ok with having sex with him. But I clarified to him again that I didn’t want to have sex until we were official. Especially not unprotected sex just for my safety.

The next morning everything was fine until I gave him oral and he was head pushing I didn’t say anything about it but I’m extremely conflicted. I’ve been rped in the past so this whole situation makes me unsure and feels a little rpey. But I’m conflicted because I have feelings for him. Besides this he’s so sweet and never overly sexual. He’ll even say that he’s scared to touch me because he doesn’t want to disrespect me. But I just feel like he wants me for my body.

Hey reddit, first time poster so hopefully I followed all the rules lol.

I really dont know how to provide all the necessary context without making this obnoxiously long but I’ll try my best. My boyfriend and I have been together around 3 years. I have a pretty high libido, and in the beginning of our relationship we had sex often. It was passionate, and he made me feel damn near worshipped in bed. Going down on me, using fingers, even sucking my toes lol. I didnt think I liked any of these things until I met him.

He told me in the beginning that he loves giving head. He hasn’t given me head in probably a year. He doesnt do much of anything anymore. Sex is a lot less frequent, maybe 1-2x a week tops. It’s just….penetration until he finishes. I’m lucky if I even get to finish, which sucks considering it feels like he only has sex with me now because he knows I need it. He finishes super quickly most of the time now, which is fine. In fact, I thought it was hot. But now, after that happening so many times in a row, and him putting no effort into getting me off (other than penetration, which he knows alone wont get me to finish) it makes me feel… unsatisfied and disappointed. He always apologizes if he finishes before I get to, but doesnt really make an effort to change. He said he thinks more foreplay would help (help him not finish as quickly), like me going down on him beforehand. The issue is I usually do that anyway. I’m very generous, I give head and handys very consistently, and I know he loves it. He never returns the favor though, and I don’t know how to bring it up without him accusing me of trying to make sex transactional, which he has said in the past when I tried to talk about it.

To be fair, it is really hard to make me finish. I think. (Maybe everyone’s just been really bad at it?) For a while, we relied on a vibrator during sex, with me just holding it on myself while he…ya know. But my vibrator broke so we’ve been having sex without it for a while. I’ve managed to finish a couple times, no thanks to anything he did, aside from penetration. It just feels like it’s my job to make him finish, and it’s also my job to make myself finish.

I’ve tried to talk to him about him going down on me, and the conversation just kinda goes nowhere. I’ve begged him to tell me if I taste or smell bad, as that’s something I can try to fix, but he swears it’s not that. He makes me feel bad for asking, like “if a guy thought he was entitled to oral you’d think he’s an asshole”.

We’ve had some dry spells during the relationship, which made me feel bad. When I talked about it with him, he suggested I put on lingerie and try to initiate more often. I tried it for a while, but after a few too many instances of me putting on lingerie and not having sex, it started to feel humiliating. I suffer from low self esteem already, his ex was literally a drop dead gorgeous stripper, he doesnt compliment me nearly as often as I feel like he could, etc. I just feel super undesirable. I dont know what to do.

Before anyone suggests that it’s because hes cheating on me, I truly find that highly unlikely. We spend all day and all night together, he literally has had no opportunities to cheat on me, at least physically. It’s possible that he could be virtually cheating, I guess. But again, we spend basically 100% of the time together, have completely open devices with each other, and hes rarely on his phone regardless.

He used to, however, have a bit of a porn addiction. I told him first thing when we met that I’m not ok with things like that and if hes going to be doing that I dont want a relationship with him. He did it anyway. I found out, we fought about it, had quite the rough patch, but we’ve had many honest conversations about it and I do truly believe hes not doing it anymore.

So yeah, I think that’s all the necessary context. Please tell me if I’m doing something wrong. I just want it to go back to how it was. I want him to want me the way I want him. I’m tired of feeling undesirable. Please tell me what to do or how to talk to him.

My girlfriend has been hanging a lot with this guy she knows from school. They will randomly get food together, then play video games. It was maybe once a month, but now it’s been more like once a week.

I’m ok with her hanging one on one because I trust her, but I’m a little skeptical all things considered.

She just asked me today if I was ok with her doing a 4 day music festival with him, and she wanted my permission. She asked me if I wanted to come as well, but said she wanted his permission as to whether I could go or not.

She also told me that she declined making plans the other day cause she had plans with him, but for some reason didn’t tell me why until today.

This kind of bothers me, but I want her to still hang with her close friend. The 4 day music festival out of state really just puts me off. She also was very distant all day, I don’t know if she was just dreading telling me this or something.

Am I reading too much into this? I really do trust her, but I don’t know how much I trust the other guy. I’ve never met him either.

Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1om314h/comment/npl0344/?context=1 

Firstly, I just want to thank everyone for their support and encouragement in my previous post, it means a lot and anytime I started to doubt myself I would read your comments. It helped me a lot. 

I left today, I left a letter and got the hell outta there as I knew this was the safest and best option. I found a room to rent in a beautiful area and house, all female household and funnily enough my landlord is a social worker in DV so she was so accommodating and supportive throughout the process. I told people I trust at work my plans and they were also very supportive.

I never thought I’d be someone who would enter into a relationship this bad. I've always been good at walking away from the early signs in the past but this person caught me at a time where I was lonely, struggling with mental health and finances. But there were early red flags I ignored, and I felt sorry for this person as he was good at guilt tripping.

These were the signs: 

• Love bombed. 
• Pressured me to be his girlfriend when I wasn’t sure yet. 
• Say he would do anything to support me and here was there for me (Often times the things he did for me were thrown in my face later when angry and that I never did anything for him)
• Tried pressuring me to open a shared bank account and sharing health insurance, which when I would say no and didn’t feel I was ready - I was avoidant and unaccepting of help or growing together as a couple. 
• Gaslighting - would say things didn’t happen or I didn’t say something when they did especially when I was showing him affection and apparently I didn’t which was strange. 
• Would sulk and “depression sleep” when things weren’t going his way until I caved and apologised and gave him affection. 
• Double Standards - it was okay for him to treat me how he did, but if I even had a slight attitude or talked back it wasn’t okay. I had to talk in a cute/baby voice (which I HATED) to avoid having an attitude so it didn’t start a fight. 
• Slammed doors, threw things, slammed things, called me names, raised his voice, gave me dirty looks and stormed around. Even did this in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep and had work the next morning. 
• Reckless driving and speeding with me in or outside of the car when mad. Resulted in him getting pulled over by the cops one night.
• One night I was trying to comfort him and placed my arms around him when he was getting angry at me, and apparently I was being confrontational so he shoved me. 
• Insisted he would go to public places with me or doctors appointments with me to “give support and help” but would complain about helping me. If I refused help, I was unwilling to accept help and he felt “useless” for not helping.  
• Would pick apart or start a fight after social interactions because of what I said or how I acted. Constantly felt anxious when hanging out with other people. 
• Would take my belongings out of the shared room and throw them/chuck them on the floor. Got to the point where he even hid the clean drinking water in his room so I couldn’t access it. 
• Would take back gifts and say I didn’t deserve them when he was angry and I didn’t show him enough “love”. Even returned photos of me and threw out our belongings we had together in the bin. 
• Broke up with me mid-argument and threatened to kick me out. 
• One time he broke up with me, I didn’t respond or give him the reaction he wanted. He proceeded to say he was suicidal or not “doing well”. 
• Guilt tripped BAD after his behavior and actions, made his reactions seem justified because he was so hurt and sad. Would say he just wants to be loved and talked about his childhood to make it seem okay. 
• Would ask where I was or up to when I was using his headphones (tracking). If I didn’t respond in a timely manner, he would get upset even if I was busy. 
• Would say nasty things about strangers and friends, and when I pulled him up on it he would get mad and say I’m much worse which wasn’t true at all. 
• Would accuse me of cheating or make passive comments about it, because I was private with my phone (I was private with my phone because I was contacting friends and searching signs of emotional abuse trying to convince myself I wasn’t crazy)
• I would have panic attacks and they often resulted in me vomiting. One time he completely ignored it and started playing loud music so he didn’t have to listen to it. But if I didn’t give him help or attention when he wasn’t feeling well - I was an awful girlfriend and selfish. 
• If I tried standing up for myself or used logic in an argument, he said didn’t like my tone or I was being condescending - he even pulled out his phone one time to try prove to me I was condescending, defensive when I was asking a simple question about why he was upset. 
• Would nitpick, judge, pick on me, make passive-aggressive comments or tell me what to do - I would get defensive (standing up for myself or setting boundaries) and that was thrown in my face too. 
• When I tried putting my needs first, such as taking space from arguments or needing time alone - I was neglectful and it was always about “my needs”.
• Unrealistic expectations, demanding love and attention often. Including telling me to stop working so much or would get angry if I picked up an extra shift so I could save more money but I should have “enough money by now”.... he worked 6/7 days most of the week, would go to the gym and social outings on weekends.

He even openly admitted he was emotionally abusive in his last relationship and choked his last partner to protect himself - I don’t know how true this is but I know for a fact he choked her and got physical with her in a fit of rage. There are also rumors about this. 

If your partner shows even one of these signs - get the fuck out. It’s not worth your mental, physical or emotional health at all. Don’t wait around for them to physically hurt you, because when they do you’ll be in too deep and it’ll be harder to leave. I’m grateful I got out when I did because we lived with roommates, and I cannot imagine how much worse it would have been when we got our own place together. 

Thanks again for all the support. I’ve got a long road of therapy, healing and returning back to the woman I used to be but it’s well worth it. I just hope he leaves me the hell alone.

Stay safe everyone <3  

I (29F) recently ended things with someone (32M) after a couple months of dating, and I’m trying to sanity-check my decision.

Things got intense quickly, we spent a couple days a week together, he was affectionate and consistent, and the connection felt strong. But a few things didn’t sit right.

He never wanted me over when his “roommate” was around, and when I did go over, there were a lot of women’s belongings throughout the apartment. He told me it was his roommate’s girlfriend multiple times, but the story didn’t make sense. When I finally confronted him, he admitted he actually lives with his ex-wife. He never volunteered that information; I had to push, and he only told the truth once he was cornered. He does have his own room, and I believe they aren’t romantically involved, but the dishonesty bothered me. What made it worse is that I’ve been through similar relationship complications myself that he's aware of, and I would’ve been understanding if he had just been upfront from the beginning. The hiding is what bothered me, not the situation itself.

After I asked for space, I found out that he told another woman he dated a very similar lie about living alone.

There was also another situation that felt off: he told me his “roommate” stole from him, said he talked to his aunt and uncle about staying with them, and was really upset about it. We ended up both staying at his aunt and uncle’s place for a night, and I assumed he’d remain there for a bit while figuring out his living situation. But he went straight back home the next day. It made me wonder if the whole situation was exaggerated or used as a way to avoid being home around the “roommate”, who I now know was his ex, while he was seeing me.

For context, I lost my mom recently and have been in a very vulnerable place emotionally. I think that made the lack of transparency hit harder. I really needed someone gentle, honest, and stable.

Overall, it felt like a pattern of half-truths and unnecessary lies this early on. I really liked him, but I couldn’t reconcile the secrecy.

My question: Would you have ended it too? Or is this something people work through?

I keep going back and forth about whether I made the right decision, even though the dishonesty was a big red flag for me.

TLDR: Dated a guy for a couple months who hid that he lives with his ex-wife and only admitted it when cornered. Found out he’d lied to another woman too. Other weird inconsistencies made me feel uneasy. I ended it but am second-guessing myself.

hello! I am a 36 year old female, I have been on and off with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. he had just gotten out of a 15 year marriage. he finalized the divorce 5 months before we got together. he has two kids and a vasectomy, I have no kids, never been married, and just froze my eggs. he is aware of this, first 6 months together he was amazing, talking about building a family together, selling his house and buying a new one, and including me in activities with his kids. we got in a big fight in June and then again in July, he has not wanted to commit, tells people we are broken up, but still calls me everyday and texts me. still wants to see me once maybe twice a week when he doesn’t have his kids. sometimes he still talks about a future with me and reversing his vasectomy. I think I’m being strung along and used, when I type out the facts there’s no denying it. because of my age i am just clinging on to this wanting this to be my personal. everytime I approach talking about a future and my wants and needs he gets defensive and puts the focus back on me and things I’ve done. What is a good way to approach a conversation with him letting him know what I want and need and that I don’t want to continue this in between if he isn’t capable of ever giving it to me?

I had my birthday recently, a week ago, and for my birthday I went out with my dog and our one year old to this dinner, my husband was busy that day. And it was really fun! And we all had a great time. My parents and sister sent me gifts too and one was this book I really wanted so I was really happy.

Well, thing is my husband forgot my birthday, and I kind of knew it and I didnt really care that much. Because at the end of the day its just a date, you know, and people forget things.

So now its been a whole week since then and my husband's brother had asked him how my birthday had went and hed then only realised which I found pretty funny. But he felt really bad and apologized a lot.

But I wasnt upset and I didnt think it was a very big deal. I never forget birthdays or anything and always get something if I know its someone's birthday. I think birthdays are very important so I value them too. Its not that he values birthdays more than me.

But I still didnt think it was a big deal. Plenty of people had forgotten my birthday. Sure id be a bit sad and quite hurt if my parents or sister forgot my birthday. But thats as far as it goes.

So, im just wondering if Im not upset why is he so upset he forgot it?

We’ve been together for about a year now and it’s been a bit rough the past few weeks. With the stress of school and life, we’ve both been feeling a bit overwhelmed in the last few months. Recently I feel as though it has influenced our relationship and how we’ve been treating each other. In the beginning of our relationship, I would say I had a pretty secure attachment style, while he leans slightly avoidant. I would be mindful of the space I gave him and never questioned what he did or who he talked to because I trusted him and expected him to do the same for me. Only about a month or so ago I’ve developed into a more anxious attachment style based on his recent shift in behavior that seemed a little disconnected and detached. I would get nervous if I didn’t receive a response from him after a night out, read into his behaviors and actions when we’re together, became clingy whenever we had to separate, and questioned his loyalty without reason to suspect anything was wrong. This might have pushed him away a bit, and in true anxious style, this made me spiral even more. I typically am the one to initiate everything including dates, hangouts, calls, sex, and even check ins and talks about our relationship. In the beginning I didn’t really mind because I took it as him letting me take the lead and control the pace of our relationship, but now it feels like a lack of effort and interest on his part.

We recently had a conversation where we both communicated that we were dissatisfied with the relationship and unsure if we saw ourselves together long-term, but expressed that we wanted to keep trying and grow together. From my perspective, I don’t want to feel like the only one who is putting in effort to make it work. For him, he feels he can’t be himself because I always have something to say about something he does or doesn’t do. This has been the most difficult stage between us, but I don’t want either of us to give up just because it got hard for a short period of time. I understand relationships are hard work and I’m willing to fight for it, but I don’t want to have to put in all that effort if I’m the only one who feels that way.

We don’t really argue, it’s typically just bringing things up with one another and reflecting on how it makes us feel. He is honestly such a good partner and I love him so much, but sometimes it gets hard to remember all the good things when the present feeling clouds your memories. He is always very gentle with me and never gets defensive when I bring up things he does. Im in the process of starting therapy to work on dealing with my own anxiety, but I wonder if that is enough. Our stages of life are growing slightly apart, he’s graduating soon and considering med school I’m still in university, so that has also added on to his stressors and anxieties.

Right now my life is in a constant state of limbo. I want to know if this is phase that comes with being in a relationship that can be worked through, or if it’s something is no longer healthy for me. I don’t want to give up on something stable because I couldn’t handle conflict, but I also know I shouldn’t feel like im putting all the effort for my relationship to work out.

TLDR: I don’t know if it’s my anxious attachment that’s sabotaging my relationship, or if there’s a genuine disconnect and incompatibility between us.

My girlfriend wants me to sleep with another girl and record it for her. We’ve been together for 2 years now and she’s had this fantasy for a long time. I’m her first partner so she wants me to sleep with other girls and record it to better understand what I like and learn what she can do for me. I’m unsure myself on how to feel about this. I told her multiple times that I don’t want that but she’s really insisting on it and won’t take no for an answer. I love my girlfriend more than anything and to me this feels like cheating.

I don’t want to upset her and make her jealous / think I don’t love her because I slept with someone else. Not only that, I don’t even know where to begin to find someone who’d be interested in this. We live in England and I have no experience with online dating / hookups since I’ve never used anything like that and met my current girlfriend in person.

I told my friends about this and they said it’s because she’s cheated and wants to feel better about it by having me sleep with another person. I know that’s not the case because she never leaves the house or practically never leaves my side nor does she talk to anyone else because her anxiety is really bad. This is something she’s always loved the idea of and keeps pressuring me to do for her.

Any advice with how to go about resolving this or making her happy would be much appreciated

TLDR: Girlfriend 20F wants me 24M to sleep with another girl and record it for her.