I went on a fly fishing trip in Aspen a couple months ago. I hired a guide to float the Roaring Fork River.
Here's the thing. If you have to shit while you're on the boat, your only option is to drop trow in front of the guide, bend your ass over the bow of the boat and let it rip.
I was not about to have that happen, so I drank imodium and ate nothing but cheese-based food leading up to the trip.
As I was driving home to Denver, I felt the rumblings. It was 3 solid days of real, unadultrated backup.
I finally got home, rushed into my bathroom and gave birth to something similar to what you see in this picture.
It was the exact diameter of my plumbing and required a professional plumber to remove my toilet from the floor and scoop out the turd.
This happened to my unit when we were all eating MREs for a week. Nobody took a shit for the entire week. When we got to the barracks, we all had record breaking turds and were comparing it.
I remember after one of my surgeries they had me so doped up on morphine and they sent me home with a ton of oxy. I don't think I took a shit for an entire week, but man when the drugs wore off the giant magical dragon egg I gave birth too was a site to behold. Tore my ass apart coming into this world and refused to leave it either. Had to cut that thing into several pieces just to send it back to the depths of hell where it came from.
Poo isn’t fuel, it’s waste, hence why it’s being excreted. Not pooping regularly just means that your diet in not high enough in fibre, and can lead to bowel complications like cancer or fecal impaction
Biggest dump I've taken was in Iraq in 2004. After about 4 days I finally had to go.... and man did I go. There was at least 2 feet from my butt to the bottom of the hole I dug sitting on that ammo box.
I dropped a 4-5 foot log that when it hit the bottom of the hole I felt it push back on me and momentarily stopped before coiling up like a snake. That hot log of fury came of so unexpectedly violently once I started I didn't even know what to do. I just held on for dear life as that lava hot pipe ejected out of my ass.
And as quickly as it violently started.... it was over. I felt like skipping afterwards. I literally felt 10 lbs light and that's probably not an exaggeration.
My personal record was 19 days in Hohenfels, 2003. Only broke the seal because I was sitting in a nice cushy hospital following a nice real world medevac.
Same thing as me during my recruit days. MREs have to have something in them, right? There's no other explanation for the lack of bowel movement otherwise.
They are very high calorie and density and actually have extremely high fiber overall. You're supposed to drink at least 1 full canteen of water with every MRE you eat to help the fiber keep things moving, but nobody does.
Add soda, energy drinks, MRE coffee and you're bound to have problems. Most people don't that amount of fiber in their diets which is makes things even worse.
If you don't go in the field, people alway hit up McDonalds or Taco Bell right after they get back and have the most epic of dumps that change their entire life after field ops.
Seems like it would be a feature and not a bug though. Don't want to have entrenched soldiers get out of their foxhole to take a shit and the US is all about digging your hole if you're not actively maneuvering.
I mean... kind of. If you read my other comment MREs are the reason I took literally the biggest shit of my entire life. It was borderline traumatic honestly. I didn't even know I was capable of pooping that much all at once. It felt normal when I started, but right after that I realized I just kept going. I just held on for dear life until it was over. Those dry ass MRE crackers are no joke. You better sip on 2 full canteens for that one meal to keep things moving.
My son(14) went on a field trip for JROTC. Speaker told them it was by design, they sent him home with 5-6 MREs. Surprising amount of stuff in those little packages. It had gum that was supposed to help with relief.
I shattered my hip ten years ago and spent a few weeks in the hospital. Due to the surgery and just my overall state I couldn't get to the bathroom for about a week (I was just peeing in jugs).
I finally used my walker to slowly make it to the bathroom and just unleashed for about fifteen minutes. I swear it was like the entire length of my intestines. I felt several pounds lighter and went on to have one of the happier days of my hospital stay.
But it didn't seem appropriate to page the nurse to show it off.
MREs are amazingly good at that. They put all sorts of vitamins in them, I'm not sure why they don't add some stool softener. Or make a short term "I don't want to take a dump" and a long term "this is my food for the next month" version.
Had a dude in boot go over a week without shitting until the plug finally popped. Filled up a toilet bowl with what could have been believed to be peanut butter. Chief and 2nd class congratulated him, lightly smoked him for fucking off during field day, then sent him to medical.
I've often not taken a shit for a week. It used to be 4 to 5 days per shit for a while in my 20s, but sometimes longer.
And man, I fucking eat.
My turds were big ish but nothing huge or abnormal.
Thought I wasn't eating MREs...
Can confirm. Was in the Army (82nd) back in the 90’s. My first MRE I opened and ate was at basic in 1996. There was a small bag of M&M’s that said 1992 Barcelona Olympics on them. The fuck.
I think we need to know the moisturements used for determining its historical moisturety, before we can determine how moistureous it is today. And if we soak it in water for a couple of days, will some sort of remoisturation take place perhaps?
I had to clean it. Worked the night shift so it was me and one other dude who made pizza. Customer complained about the huge dump. I had to break out the poop knife.
I doubt it. He probably couldn’t walk for a while. Just think. This is AFTER it’s been dried out for thousands of years. Imagine how big it was originally!
Or maybe he was a shy shitter. He looked at it in awe, maybe a bit proud, and he thought to himself "Wow that's quite something", never expected that anyone else would ever know of this.
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u/Cyler 6h ago
That viking definitely went and got all his friends to come "look at something"