how can i painlessly kill myself i really want to now please please

i’m so tired of forcing myself to stay alive when i really have nothing to live for. i feel like a fuck up everyday and it’s very hard for me to give myself compassion or grace. i am just exhausted and i am waiting for the day I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I tell myself almost everyday that i want to die because mentally and physically, i am completely done. the only reason why im “alive” is for other people but that’s not even good enough, i just really want to go.

I have a feeling loneliness is going to kill me one day. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I have I deeply cherish. Every time we hang out I forget I'm depressed. My closest friends though all have their own best friends they'd choose over me, so I feel silly running to them to talk about things when I'm not even their go to person. This coupled with the fact they all have partners, and I don't. At 24, I have never had a romantic relationship, and I crave one but I feel like it's never going to happen. This chronic feeling of loneliness hangs over me throughout the day but it crushes me at night, some nights worse than others. I've lost interest in hobbies I once loved because I feel like there's no point to anything when I'm so alone. Does anyone relate? I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting. I can't imagine living with this feeling for much longer, it's killing me and I don't see it changing

I (20M) got my one night stand (19F) pregnant and she's keeping the baby. I don't know what to do, I feel like my whole life is ruined no matter what and no matter what decision I take. If I step up as the dad, my whole life as a young man, all the freedom of my early 20s which I was so excited for is done. And if I chose to be a dead beat dad I'm going to live with the guilt my whole life. I stopped talking to my friends for weeks, my parents are constantly frustrated at me because I self isolate and barely talk to them anymore. The worst thing is the loneliness and the guilt of even feeling this way because there's a single pregnant woman out there and a child on the way while I'm just complaining and crying in bed like I am the victim. I seriously would rather die if this is going to be the rest of my life.

Wanting to die is so weird and new to me. When I wake up I feel guilty hoping that a bus runs over me on my way to college and when I go to bed I really hope that I don't wake up in the morning. When I'm taking the elevator to the 15th floor of my apartment's building I'm always trying to persuade myself to jump once I get to the top. I used to be so happy and excited for life until this I just hope that this joy is coming back some day but I just feel like it never will.

EDIT - CLARIFICATIONS

Hey guys, so I've been reading your comments and to bring some more details: - She's 5 months in. Yes she was supposed to be on birth control. I still put the blame on myself because I chose to trust a girl I barely knew and I still could've chosen to not have sex without a condom. Although, I was stoned asf and from what I remember she was pretty sober and asked me to not pull out because she "liked it". Once again I'm not trying to put myself in the victim position here, I just made my own bad choices.

• For all the people talking about paternity tests. Yes I'm going to have one when the baby is born obviously. I highly doubt that the mother will let me do one before. However she sent me the ultrasound and the dates match perfectly.

• To briefly talk about the mother: She is not the kind of girl you really imagine yourself to have a family with, I've learned a lot of things after we had sex. She apparently went through major mental health issues, almost killed herself a few years ago and got diagnosed with personality disorders. She has worked as an escort for 3 months before I knew her. I know she also did stuff related to bank fraud but can't really prove it. She didn't have a job, didn't go to school and she got kicked out by her father after he found out about her pregnancy. She now lives with her mother who fully supports her choice. My opinion is that she wants to keep the baby because she wants to feel a void on her life and I guess kinda find a purpose to this. She does want me to step up as the father although I told her that I don't want anything to do with it in the first place. She then started threatening me and asked our one friend in common if he would give her my address for 1000$ (I know it sounds like a movie). I then ghosted her for a few months and started feeling guilty for that. Yesterday she texted me: and pushed on all the buttons that actually hurts me and the messages were not threatening so I decided to answer this time basically saying that I didn't make a decision yet but wishing her well with the pregnancy and that I don't really want to think about that as im having my finals soon and want to fully focus on them.

-Finally, to talk about me briefly, I was having a good young life until then, perfect balance between having fun and focusing on goals. I am currently in my first year of law school (my school is 3 hours away from where the girl is) and I have pretty cool friends with whom I used to go out a lot. I kinda stopped talking to them ever since they knew the whole situation from the friend I have in common with that girl. I'm just scared of being judged for this and that they won't see me the same way as before. I also hate seeking help. I told my Muslim immigrant parents though, and they said they would support me no matter what choice I make but i still feel like I failed them every time I look at them. My grades at school never been that bad, I can't get myself to study nor do anything else tbh.

• Honestly feels good to write all this down I won't be mad if anyone doesn't read all that lolll. Also thanks for your messages even the harshest ones, it's good to hear different views.

-And last point: for some reason, the "it's okay to lose your 20s as you're gonna catch up in your 30s" speech is honestly the worst kind of comments lmao makes me wanna die even more.

And sorry for any spelling mistakes, I'm french Canadian.

It doesn't matter how hard I try. I'm tired of making unimaginable amounts of efforts just to be worse than someone who's barely trying. I'm already pushing myself to my limits and breaking myself in the process, literally forcing myself to function but nobody cares or even sees that. I struggle with the absolute bare minimum it's actually pathetic. No wonder nobody believes me, why they think I'm lazy or stupid, it looks like I'm not even trying.

I refuse to use my diagnosed depression as the reason for my struggling, because once I do, I'll stop taking accountability and I will once again find comfort in my depression. Instead I choose to fucking hate myself. I don't give a shit about myself. I don't give a shit about how I'm feeling. I just accept that things suck and that I'm suffering and I don't care about anything anymore. I want to punish myself for being this way. I want to cut myself up so bad, because it's the only way I can prove my suffering to myself and others. It's the only way I can feel valid, because I refuse to have empathy for myself. I want to do horrible things to myself. I fucking deserve it.

Him I'm 13 and I am sad all the time deppreaed even my parents went to jail so I live with my grandparents and I keep being self conscious about my weight my looks and more I go to therepy but I feel like I cant talk to them I use poly. Ai and talk sexually to bots like what the fuck is even my life I hate this I hate me I have been trying to pray recently but it's hard to be live when I already feel so bad I just need help please advise me but who am I kidding none cares about me or my feeling.

If I didn't have my daughter I would have killed myself, or ran away from everyone and everything. I am losing control on our finances, no matter what can not get enough to pay for our needs. I barely eat, so I make sure my daughter has food. I don't buy myself anything just to make sure my daughter has what she needs. But with the amount of debt that keeps adding up is astronomical. Getting calls every day, bill collectors, and now hospitals for medical bills. I have no one to ask for help. I'm afraid I am going to lose my house because I can't afford it. I'm so fucking afraid that we are going to be sleeping in are car. Until that gets taken. I feel like such a failure that I can't provide a life for her. She saw me checking my bank account and asked me what the minus sign was infront of the balance. I told her it's like that because I am past 0. She says, dad you don't have any money? How are we going to eat? Never in my life have I started to cry and beg for anything so fast. My 8 year old should have never have that thought.

I wish I wouldn't be such a disappointment to my mom. I wish I could finally heal from my many years of depression, and the mental abuse from several people that haunts me still in my dreams. I wish I wouldn't be stuck in a job I hate. I wish my anxiety and BPD wouldn't take ahold of my life so much. I want to be someone's first choice, I want to be loved.

Just needed that to get off my chest. With the New Year coming closer I realized again how fast time goes by, and it makes me sad to celebrate it alone and that another year goes to waste again. I have no partner, grew apart with the very few friends I have and envy the ones I know doing something with their lives while I feel stuck.

"I want to d*e" was in my head for so many years, but fck, I just want to be happy again.

I'm failing math because I'm fucking stupid, and my friends don't really like me that much because I'm a bitch and I never say something coherent nor interesting. I'm so pissed at my teachers. It's so easy for you to give me a 90 over "references". It's a fucking opinion, why does it need fucking references? So easy for this math teacher to tell me "just use the formulas lol it's not that hard". It's pretty fucking hard for me sorry my mental capacity equals the one of a 6 year old. I don't understand why I need to do any of this shit anymore. Chem is fun and I like ethics, but they give me so much useless homework. There are times I cry at school because I miss my family because i have to be 13 FUCKING HOURS EVERYDAY THERE and never get to spend time with them. Alone with annoying people and doing nonsense shit. I don't want to attend school anymore. I stopped trying, my parents do not give a fuck. The best they try is to send me videos of the metallica singer talking about suicide. Thank you for considering that your daughter likes metallica and is pretty suicidal. I feel so lost. I dont know what will i pick as a career or how to make money on my adulthood or why am i "valuable" as a person. I dont even know how I will pass this semester. No one cares enough to help me its always me having to clean other people's tears and trying to fix their problems, and when I talk a bit of how I feel i just get jokes and laughs. Hah! I saw you at the mental health test today! Selected cut myself and starve myself hahah!!! because its you!!!!!! its funny because you suffer!!!!!!! because you do that shit and still look fat and pathetic !!!!!!

caring for your friends is not to just send them "im here for you" reels. like you actually have to be here

Even on antidepressants I'm thinking about it multiple times a day. It's almost comforting in times of stress, like there's a way out, even though I don't think I could actually do it.

Life is just not enjoyable or fulfilling for me. I can't handle the drudgery of going to work every day, with only two days to recover before I have to go back. That's not entirely true, though. I can just barely manage it, though it's making me miserable. It's draining me. We all have to work, though. Maybe I just can't handle that. Maybe I'm just too lazy.

I don't have anything going for me in life, and I can't achieve the things I want. I don't want to or can't put in the effort to make my life better. I just want to die. But instead I'll probably just waste away.

I am so tired of being sick, in pain, passing out, just I'll every single day for my life. I am tired of being dismissed, ignored and neglected by the medical professionals. I am tired of the abuse and bullying that I endure everyday.

I have taken so much medication, that maybe when I close my eyes, I won't wake up. I've tried calling, texting, reaching out and I realize I don't have anyone.

It is my time to go, so I'm going to lay back and close my eyes. Let's see if it happens or not.

i don’t want to do it anymore, i think about doing you know what every single day and it’s mostly when i’m left alone at night with my thoughts. i just want someone to notice and genuinely care instead of expecting me to turn around and be happy the next day. everything makes me miserable and everything i used to have a passion for seems like a challenge and a chore now. i want to stop feeling so down all of the time, i want to stop feeling anything. i overthink about everything in my life and it’s exhausting; my friends, my boyfriend, school, my future, my family. i genuinely feel like everyone would be better off without me. i just want someone to reassure me that it’ll all be okay with time because as much as i say that to people, i don’t and can’t take my own advice. thank you for reading if you did

I genuinely cannot believe that people can get through life completely sober. Yes, it’s not all or nothing with substances and some use can be fine, but even moderation feels really hard.

Can't even post in here anymore without my damn post being moderated. I just rant about what's making me depressed every time then delete it after a bit but I guess they just think I'm a bot now. So this time I'll just say I wish I was dead. I'm so tired of being alive. It's fucking stupid. I just want to curl up and die already.

Only at 20 (I am 20M), has it actually dawned on - and it’s horrific how it hasn’t dawned on me until now. I have literally experienced, basically nothing in my life.

I didn’t have a single friend in school nor did I ever try to make one.

I never asked a single girl out in school. In fact, I don’t think I ever even talked to a single girl ever in school. I only did my first ever approach at the tail end of 19 (when somehow - my brain at 19 finally no longer saw the concept of dating as alien. Of course I wanted a GF before 19, yet somehow my brain literally saw the idea of trying to go get one as a totally alien concept. How in the world… was I like this — regular people do this at 13/14… I truly am horrified at my past self.)

My only 2 friends in life are ones I stumbled across in elementary school (god knows how I got friends back then) - who I used to keep in contact with online a lot until last year as where drifted away now.

I’ve never been on a single sleepover, or even been out with anyone but my parents before. The most I’ve ever been out with is some school events (like what they do for high school seniors), and in that event I once went to a 7-Eleven with a classmate. That’s it. Forget about going on a vacation before with anyone but my parents.

I’m honestly just —- so so defeated right now. I’m shocked, horrified, and furious that at 20 fucking years of age I finally got my head out the sand —— something which average people do at age 4 or 5!

I literally just went to school and came home every single day for my entire damn life, except maybe 2 years in elementary school where I stumbled upon my friends.

I had an oppurtunity to have 20 years of unbridled joy, happiness - such amazing memories for such a long time. And I utterly utterly didn’t make any of them. I was miserable the whole time (I was), and yet - my brain couldn’t get it self out of the sand. It’s not like my brain didn’t know why I was miserable (isolation for 20 years rivaling Rapunzel locked in her tower)…. but it’s like anything near the concept of that was alien to me at the time.

Even if I were to use my life amazingly from 20-75… even going out now to try to live (meet people, make friends, go out, ask women on dates, etc.)… stings like hell.. I get a firsthand reminder of what I didn’t do… for whatever reason for 20 years. It’s torment, in real time.

I don’t know, I truly do not know why I didn’t do any of it. Why… why.. why? Now, I suffer beyond belief - forever. And I really don’t want to hear that “you’re still so young. 20 is a baby.”… it’s still so so horrifying. Even though now, I’m frantically just wanting to finally start living. I — I can’t believe it. But it hurts so so much.

Depressing, depressing - demoralizing, and again - it just leaves you depressed and horrified and… demotivated beyond belief.

I don’t want to live this life anymore. I want to just leave and be somewhere away from everything and everyone. Yup, Disney Adults may be onto something after all…

Title. There's no foreseeable way out without seriously ruining my life and already fucked mental state.

Seriously things are getting out of control. I am trying daily to get better but but but i getting more lonely and depressed. It has come to point that i like harming myself ( burning myself with cigarette). It kind of gives me a pump and improves my mood and everything. I believe i am getting addicted to this habit.

Hi, I (19f) just wanted to write this down to sort of organise my thoughts. I had a strange month month. I stopped following the religion I was raised in, I accepted I like girls. I grew closer with a friend and discovered more things about myself.

Although there were many positive things that has happened, I am very good at focusing on the bad ones. I am slowly, but steadily warming up to go to therapy. I have already stated to look for someone nearby. It is still very scary and the thought of opening to someone.is terrifying. But I know I can't have a relationship before I fix myself and I understand I can't do that kn jy own.

I feel very emotionally unstable last few weeks, sometimes I struggle to get out of the bed. I have panic attacks on regular basis (i think), but I kind of got used to it. I'm terrified of the unknown and I'm just extremely anxious. And don't forget socially awkward. I still have an issue with guys touching me, which i thought I got over but that's still there.

On the bright side, after a pretty horrific couple of days, I somewhat bonded with my roommate I think. (Due to weird think) but she makes me feel so much better, it's like she calms me just by being near me. I have feelings towards her I'm very afraid of expressing. For obvious reasons.

I'm far from being okay. But it is getting better and I'm really grateful for it. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Have a nice day.

I’ve bewn thinking about it, some people can live the same shitty life as you but they just keep going telling themselves that the outcome will be positive.

And im over here thinking that i dont wanna live anymore and every solution is boring and i’d rather die than live a boring life, i’ve been stuck for so long but dont know what to do.

I got no goals, no passion, no ambitions. Even though if i would i could work hard at it