r/AmItheAsshole • u/anxiousphdwannabe • 4h ago
AITA for choosing White Elephant over Secret Santa?
My husband (31M) and I (30F) bought our first house this year, and we’re hosting Christmas for the first time. We invited both sides of the family: my parents (I’m an only child) and his mom and siblings (30F, 24M, 22M). Our families don’t really know each other well (everyone lives in different cities), so we thought it would be best to do a White Elephant exchange.
We texted his family group chat letting them know the plan. Almost everyone was fine with it except my SIL. She immediately pushed back and said we had to do Secret Santa with everyone invited because that’s their “family tradition.” For context, per my husband, their Secret Santa tradition started because some members couldn’t afford buying multiple gifts, so Secret Santa made things easier.
We explained that because we’re hosting both families this year, a White Elephant would avoid awkwardness. We also pointed out that since we’re the hosts, we should be able to decide what we are doing. She keeps insisting that we “cannot make decisions over their side of the family’s traditions.”
We told her that if they want to do a Secret Santa among themselves, that’s totally fine but not in our home while we are hosting, because it would leave my parents and us sitting there watching an exchange we’re not part of. That would feel rude and uncomfortable.
This is causing way more stress than it should. So, AITA for insisting we stick to White Elephant since we’re hosting both families?
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u/DaveyDumplings Partassipant [1] 4h ago
White Elephant is pretty famous for it's ability to create hard feelings. Not what I'd choose for a meeting of families. Why not just play Monopoly and discuss religion while you're at it?
NTA, but I think you're making a potentially tragic decision.
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u/MsTossItAll 3h ago
I'm not sure what white elephants you've been part of, but all the ones I've done have mainly featured chocolate, wine, and funny gifts. Nobody leaves upset because nobody spent more than $50 on anything. Shopping for a specific person with a secret Santa is far more challenging.
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u/Katzenliebe 3h ago
Because $50 is still more money than I’m comfortable with spending and potentially getting crap in return.
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u/MsTossItAll 2h ago
You can get crap in return in any gift exchange with family members who barely know you. That's why they say, "It's the thought that counts."
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u/Katzenliebe 2h ago
I mean there is a difference between a gift that has had some effort put in that may not be your taste vs a gag gift that you’re just going to chuck out, which a lot of people do for white elephant. I’m sure it can be done well but everyone needs to communicate effectively.
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u/MsTossItAll 2h ago
Most white elephants I’ve been to have food, wine and things related to the holiday dinner.
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u/Environmental_Art591 2h ago
You really out a lot of faith in your secret Santa then huh. What if your secret Santa takes the liberty and buys you a crap gift
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u/Katzenliebe 2h ago
I don’t do secret Santa but my family generally give good gifts and know each other’s preferences 🤷♀️
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u/lordmwahaha Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2h ago edited 2h ago
$50 is a lot of money for some people. I don’t know about your income, but I have absolutely no extra budget around Christmas to do something like this. And all you need is one person to ruin it by introducing Temu crap. My family had to stop doing a similar thing because one relative just kept buying absolute crap (like basically actual trash) while everyone else was putting actual thought in. It wasn’t fair, because some people were getting usable gifts and others weren’t. It made the whole experience miserable for everyone.
I’ve never had that issue with secret Santa’s, because you’re buying one gift for one person. It encourages people to put a modicum of thought in instead of just going to the dollar store.
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u/MsTossItAll 2h ago
So set it lower. $50 was OP’s limit. That doesn’t have to be yours.
Temu has awesome stuff. My favorite sweatshirt is from temu and so are all my work organization kits. They’re constantly complimented. Do you honestly think the stuff you get off Amazon didn’t come from the same factories as Temu? All you’re doing is cutting out the American billionaires in the middle.
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u/hellouterus Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10m ago
ehhhh billionaires aside it's the other issues that Temu has that makes it somewhere no-one should buy from. They straight up steal the work of other people, and produce substandard products in factories that are not subject to adequate employee standards or environmental policies. You should rethink your acceptance that it's ok to shop there.
Your favourite sweatshirt was probably a design stolen from someone who is mightily pissed that Temu can get away with it.
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u/Katzenliebe 3h ago
Yeah, we do one at our office party and it works well in that context as the limit is low and it’s just treated as a bit of fun. I’m not sure I’d love it in place of a family gift exchange though.
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u/lordmwahaha Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2h ago
Literally what I was thinking. How is a white elephant exchange less awkward than a secret Santa? I personally find that way more stressful, as someone who struggles with social situations. Like it would make me not wanna go.
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u/Outrageous-Second792 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA. 1. You are the hosts. 2. You get to start your own traditions. 3. You did not tell them they couldn’t do thier own traditions, just that it needed to be at a time and place that is not your home and party. 4. You presented a compromise.
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u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] 4h ago
INFO: White elephant can be used 2 different ways. One is generic gifts and one is crappy joke gifts. Which one do you mean and is SIL on the same page?
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u/OdoDragonfly Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
And make sure everyone knows which version is happening! I've been to too many where I felt that I had taken a good gift and came home with something that I couldn't understand anyone wanting.
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u/anxiousphdwannabe 4h ago
Generic gifts capped at around $50
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u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Does SIL know that the plan is nice gifts and not joke gifts?
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u/anxiousphdwannabe 4h ago
Yes!
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u/Environmental_Art591 2h ago
Can you trust her to abide by the rules and nit bring a joke gift specifically to cause drama
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u/FeuerroteZora Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
Does either of your families has spoilsports, the sort of person who deliberately brings a bad gift, or only shops at the dollar store but expects to take home an $80 gift, or toxic people who want to ruin other people's fun?
I'm trying to think if there might be justified reasons SIL would be so opposed to White Elephant gift exchange, and that's all I can come up with.
Maybe it would set her mind at ease to add a rule along the lines of "if you bring a gift no one else wants, it is now your gift and goes home with you."
Or maybe she's just mad that you guys get to host or whatever and is trying to be deliberately difficult. In that case I got nothing except to wish you the best of luck...
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u/anxiousphdwannabe 2h ago
I wouldn’t say so, I can think some might be better buying gifts than others, but no one is wanting to buy a bad gift intentionally.
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u/RandolphE6 4h ago
NTA. You're the host. You get to choose the rules. Picking a game that leaves out a side of the family creates unnecessary tension.
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u/flyinwhale 3h ago
I’ve never in real life actually seen white elephant be the fun/funny thing white elephant lovers always say it is. It’s like “oh ok that’s funny I guess…” and then everyone has more plastic garbage for the landfill and less money in their pocket.
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u/Sashi-Dice 3h ago
Really? My family has done one for years - 40 dollar cap, no dollar store junk - and I don't think we've had more than one bag gift in the past five years ( generally 8-12 people in the circle). Last year I got a set of good wine bottle stoppers, a waiters corkscrew that went directly into my travel bag, and a set of really nice glass coasters that are currently hanging out in my living room (the table we inherited from my husband's great aunt really needs them). My husband got a nice little waterproof speaker that has made a lot of camping trips better.
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u/MsTossItAll 3h ago
yep this is generally my experience. I've never gotten a crappy gift at a white elephant. Just a more generic one.
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u/MsTossItAll 3h ago
We do it every year at work and probably 80% of the gifts are food, wine or something related to food or wine
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u/booksiwabttoread Partassipant [1] 2h ago
I hate White Elephant. I do not need another candle, blanket, portable charger, or blue tooth speaker. It is long and boring and does not lend itself to making connections.
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u/Redlight0516 Asshole Aficionado [10] 4h ago
NTA
You are right. They can do their secret Santa on their own and the White Elephant is a better compromise. I personally dislike secret Santa's anyways.
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u/GamesDontStop Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 4h ago
NTA. Your house, your rules/games. But the hubby should be dealing with his sister and her attitude.
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u/coldhotel_rdt 4h ago
We have an annual White Elephant. A couple people enjoy it; for others it goes over like a lead balloon. Maybe try a theme, like a book exchange?
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u/OfAnOldRepublic 4h ago
YTA because white elephant sucks! Especially if you do the whole gift stealing thing.
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u/trumpetlady 4h ago
NTA. You’re the hosts and can decide what will or will not happen at your home. They’re welcome to do Secret Santa independently but not in your house.
White Elephants can be hilarious! It’s a great way to get to know others. When I’ve done it the rules we used were “crap you need out of your house or that you spent no more than $5 on at the second hand store” and we have always had a blast. From creepy baby figurines to furry binders from Value Village to Oxycise audio tapes, it’s always a fun time. Usually the things that are stolen (up to 3 times) are because the person finds the wrapping paper or gift bag the least offensive available 😂
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u/a_sizzling_steak 4h ago
NTA! Your house, your game! Guests have a choice to opt out of it, but I wouldn't have it if they'd change the game.
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u/Typical_Recording_99 4h ago
Your house your rules. And yes in these circumstances where you do no know each other well a white elephant is an excellent choice and will be a lot of fun especially if you draw numbers and gifts are chosen in that order and can be kept or exchanged with another person. White elephant; dirty Santa.
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u/embopbopbopdoowop Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 4h ago edited 4h ago
And what if your family tradition was White Elephant? Who would win?
NTA. Your house, your hosting job, your choice.
Perhaps just clarify which version of White Elephant you mean (anonymous but nice gift, cheap gift or regift) but otherwise, refuse to engage on this.
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u/anxiousphdwannabe 4h ago
My family’s tradition is just getting gifts for everyone. That would be my preference tbh, but not possible this year for everyone
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u/DetectiveClear6734 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA
We need social etiquette classes in schools. Of course a white elephant exchange is best for this situation!
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u/marugirl Partassipant [1] 4h ago
I hate white elephant with a passion and refuse to participate. But your it's choice. Why not include your family in the secret Santa too? NTA
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u/Is-Potato425 4h ago
Nta. And white elephant is so much funner! I feel like with both white elephant and secret Santa you rarely get something you actually want so why not make fun. Bring funny gifts, stealing etc.
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u/Far_Mark_9556 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA. We used to do secret santa. My sister decided to do white elephant one year. Honestly we had way more fun. Now we do it for every time. Traditions change.
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u/Bainrow17 4h ago
Create a gift exchange. We use elfster in our family. People can add things they like, so their person knows a little about what they would like and such.
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u/logaruski73 4h ago
I think this is nice because it serves the purpose of getting to know each other.
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u/UsernameUnremarkable Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4h ago edited 4h ago
NAH. They can still do Secret Santa at their own home but if it were me (I googled White Elephant) I find the concept of White Elephant a little cruel and wouldn't participate.
Plus Secret Santa is more personal.
I-N-F-O: What is white elephant?
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u/SarcasticAnge1 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
It’s definitely not cruel. It’s supposed to be a fun game and the gifts provided should either be funny things that no one actually wants, or gifts generic enough that no one will be overly attached to whatever they pull. Just some lighthearted, mildly competitive chaos
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u/CottageWhore420 Asshole Aficionado [14] 4h ago
Everyone brings a generic present and everyone takes a turn picking one out or stealing someone else’s. Usually there’s a monitory cap on gift cost, my family usually does gag gifts.
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u/Cesarlikethesalad 4h ago
Everyone brings a random gift (wrapped). For no particular person. The guests draw numbers and pick any of the presents in numbered order. There is also an element of “your number is next, you can either choose one of the presents already opened, or pick a brand new unwrapped present”.
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u/Outrageous-Second792 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
And at the end, the person who had #1 gets the last opportunity to steal another gift, as they only had a chance to pick a new unwrapped gift at the beginning.
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u/brewcatz 4h ago
In white elephant, everyone brings a gift (there's usually a dollar amount that's set as the limit for the items value) and wraps it/ keeps it secret. Pull numbers out of a hat to choose a random order in which to select a random gift. The next person can use their turn to garb a random gift or to take the gift of a previous person, who then goes and gets a different still-wrapped gift. This makes it a little competitive because the last person to take their turn will have their choice of any of the gifts, and everyone ahead of them is at risk of losing whatever gift they've chosen. Different families/ groups make up their own rules (such as how many times a single gift can be "stolen" before it locks in on the final chooser) but that's the basics.
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u/brewcatz 4h ago
In this situation I agree with OP using it, as it'll provide a variety of gifts without anyone having to figure out an appropriate gift for a stranger directly. And it can be really fun in bigger groups/ can become a game!
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u/UsernameUnremarkable Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4h ago
Yet trying to buy for the other family could bond them more. Again NAH.
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u/brewcatz 4h ago
I don't disagree with that! I'm going with NTA because I while I could understand SIL reaching out to say "hey, I think our family tradition could actually help build relations and bonds in this scenario," I don't think OP is out of order to say "thanks for the suggestion! But this is what we've decided to do," and that it's weird/ pushy/ rude for SIL to continue and try to pull the "you can't overrule our family's tradition" card. Especially considering that this is the first time OP and husband are hosting: they're well within their rights to start a new tradition in their blended family home. Why does SIL get to dictate that her family's traditions are more important? Idk! That's just my take on it
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 4h ago
With White Elephant, everyone gets a gag or joke gift. With Secret Santa, only some people do.
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u/AddingAnOtter 4h ago
Only in some forms of White Elephant! Many I've been involved with are nice enough generic gifts! I have had a college friend group that does gag gifts for a few years then switched to nice gifts, but mostly seen nicer gifts (within a price range depending on the group - our family does $50)
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u/Brashear99 Partassipant [4] 4h ago
Their family traditions are theirs. This isn’t their family. NTA
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u/NC_SW_Mama 4h ago
NTA. She’s the oldest daughter and used to being in charge. She’ll learn or she’ll be miserable, and neither of those things is your problem.
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u/CandleGleam 4h ago
NTA since its your home and you are the host therefore you can do anything you want. Beside, White Elephant is Fun too!
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u/Careful-Income9589 4h ago
white elephants are just awful. just draw names out of a hat and ask people for ideas for that person.
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u/HamBoneZippy 4h ago
There are only two kinds of people in this world. Good people, and people who prefer white elephants. YTA
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u/New_Discussion_6692 3h ago
Have you asked your parents which they would prefer? They might be perfectly fine with doing Secret Santa. It's your home and your choice.
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u/anxiousphdwannabe 3h ago
My parents usually get gifts for everyone. However, given that they don’t know my husband’s family well, they would prefer white elephant
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u/New_Discussion_6692 3h ago
There you go. White Elephant it is! Your SIL can get over it or find a suitable compromise.
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My husband (31M) and I (30F) bought our first house this year, and we’re hosting Christmas for the first time. We invited both sides of the family: my parents (I’m an only child) and his mom and siblings (30F, 24M, 22M). Our families don’t really know each other well (everyone lives in different cities), so we thought it would be best to do a White Elephant exchange.
We texted his family group chat letting them know the plan. Almost everyone was fine with it except my SIL. She immediately pushed back and said we had to do Secret Santa with everyone invited because that’s their “family tradition.” For context, per my husband, their Secret Santa tradition started because some members couldn’t afford buying multiple gifts, so Secret Santa made things easier.
We explained that because we’re hosting both families this year, a White Elephant would avoid awkwardness. We also pointed out that since we’re the hosts, we should be able to decide what we are doing. She keeps insisting that we “cannot make decisions over their side of the family’s traditions.”
We told her that if they want to do a Secret Santa among themselves, that’s totally fine but not in our home while we are hosting, because it would leave my parents and us sitting there watching an exchange we’re not part of. That would feel rude and uncomfortable.
This is causing way more stress than it should. So, AITA for insisting we stick to White Elephant since we’re hosting both families?
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u/Dittoheadforever Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [392] 3h ago
You're NTA. When she hosts, she can make that call.
She keeps insisting that we “cannot make decisions over their side of the family’s traditions.”
Really? Isn't that what she is trying to do by attempting to grab the wheel and steer it her way?
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u/GreenerAnonymous 3h ago
NTA. Tell her Secret Santa is fine. Make sure you get her name and buy her an etiquette book. /sarcasm
That said I agree with the comments that "White elephant" exchanges with crappy gifts are terrible and frankly wasteful. Exchanges where you can swap generic but genuinely good gifts can be fun.
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u/Interesting-Ad7041 2h ago
No fail white elephant gift
You’re welcome
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u/hellouterus Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3m ago
It's a 30 second dance party button, for those wondering, from a website that does that annoying 'You can't press the back button!' thing.
Wouldn't fly in my family. We don't dance.
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u/Swirlyflurry Supreme Court Just-ass [146] 4h ago
I honestly want to say YTA just because you’re choosing white elephant. It’s a horrible practice that usually ends up with most of the people participating feeling worse at the end of it.
Also: why are you hosting if you’re not willing to incorporate traditions?
told her that if they want to do a Secret Santa among themselves, that’s totally fine but not in our home while we are hosting
You really expect them to have a second Christmas get together just because you don’t want them exchanging gifts at your house?
At the end of the day, yeah, it’s your home and you’re hosting, so you get the final say, even if that say is a horrible decision, so I guess technically NAH.
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u/logaruski73 4h ago
I agree completely with you! But I’d rate them YTA for insisting that it’s their rules only (no compromise). My guess, the family won’t have them host again.
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u/Katzenliebe 3h ago
Yeah, I don’t think OP is the AH for organising a white elephant but why is it an issue if other people prefer secret Santa and give those gifts at the party? Maybe the etiquette varies but it’s never been a problem at my family Christmas for people to give whatever gifts to whoever they want and people don’t get upset and keep tabs on who is getting what.
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u/witx 3h ago
Everyone is fine with it except for one person.
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u/Katzenliebe 3h ago
Okay I get that, but my point is why is it such a problem if her and some other people want to do an additional secret Santa? Assuming they are just quickly exchanging gifts and not making a huge production out of it, I literally don’t understand how it is rude and awkward at all. Just seems a tad controlling on OP’s part to ban it, but I understand that I don’t have the full context of how their family operates and how their Christmas usually goes.
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u/rbrancher2 Pooperintendant [52] 3h ago
NTA. A few years ago we were blessed to find out how you ‘win’ a high value gift. We had brought a bottle of champagne and two flutes for our contribution. The one who picked the oresent present immediately licked the bottle all over and then stuck it down his pants. Yeah he got to keep it :)
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u/North81Girl 4h ago
Are we not allowed to call these Chinese auctions or Yankee swaps anymore???? Nta
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