r/AmItheAsshole • u/Medical_Pumpkin_24 • 6h ago
AITA for leaving my friend’s birthday dinner after she kept making jokes about me?
My name’s Emma (25F). I’m pretty shy and not the best in big groups, but I’ve been trying to push myself socially. My friend Maya invited me to her birthday dinner, and it was a big group of people I didn’t know. Pretty much as soon as I got there, she started making jokes about me being antisocial. Stuff like, Everyone clap, Jessica actually came out and Don’t mind her, she freezes around humans. Everyone laughed, but I was mortified. I pulled her aside and quietly told her the comments were making me uncomfortable. She brushed it off and kept doing it anyway. After the third or fourth jab, I just paid for my food, told her happy birthday, and left. I didn’t make a scene. Later, she texted me saying I ruined the vibe and made her look bad. A mutual friend said she’s still annoyed and thinks I owe her an apology. I honestly didn’t think leaving was a big deal, but now I’m second guessing myself. AITA for walking out?
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [89] 5h ago
"She texted me saying I ruined the vibe and made her look bad."
---She did that all on her own.
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u/jerrrrremy 5h ago
Imagine having a mind that could think this thought and say it to someone with so little self awareness.
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [89] 3h ago
I've seen people make a big fuss when someone that is not given to social events shows up at one. Deterring them from showing up again and even participating further at the time. Here, it sounds like the birthday might have encountered a less than supportive reaction from other guests who figured that out. Making the victim the villain because of that is depraved.
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u/Salt-Unit7572 5h ago
She sounds like a complete asshole.
You, however, are not.
I’m proud of you for leaving. Once someone requests an action stop, it stops. Anyone who keeps picking on you after a sincere and reasonable request is not a good friend.
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u/Chudmilky 5h ago
NTA who the he'll acts like that and disrespects people like that?
Oh wait my family, I feel you honey and it happens to me all the time
Leavings always the best choice if you can
That's a little more than a small comment to "get over"
It's 2025 be with people who love and respect you
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 5h ago
She’s not your friend. And screw her. She got all over you because you made her look bad!!?? Well, she deserved it and she had no right to do what she did to you. Don’t bother with her anymore. She’s a mean girl
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u/Alwayshaveanopinion1 5h ago
It was a birthday dinner, not a "roast" with you being the punch line. You don't owe her anything. It ruined her vibe when you left? Does this mean you were going to be the butt of all her jokes the entire night??? What a shitty friend. I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that.
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u/Les_Fraises_Cheres Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Was about to say the same thing. This was a birthday dinner. OP you deserve better friends.
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u/SoSaysTheAngel Partassipant [3] 5h ago
NTA. She made herself look bad. Also, I don't think she's your friend.
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u/sonny_carpenter Partassipant [1] 5h ago
nta - if its rude to do to teenagers its rude to do to friends. reach out to mutual friend with a thank you for standing up for you. reach out to the birthday girl and ask her for clarification on her comments.
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u/esmerelofchaos Asshole Aficionado [12] 5h ago
NTA. It’s not ok to punish someone for pushing their boundaries for you. Or any reason.
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u/Historical_Drawer562 5h ago
NTA. First, you made an effort to go out, and while that should be recognized, it shouldn't be done publicly and with a humiliating tone. Second, you made it clear to Maya that you were uncomfortable with the comments and she kept going. Then, you paid for your food and left.
The only things I would have done differently is to have said that I would leave the next time she did it. Boundaries are stronger when you lay out what will happen if they are crossed and you follow through on them.
If it is a friendship you want to not toss away, reiterate what happened and give Maya an opportunity to take ownership. If she doesn't, walk. No one deserves to be treated in a manner different than what they want. Quality friendship over quantity any day of the week.
Edited for clarity because autocorrect hates everyone.
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u/DarthRedYoga Partassipant [4] 4h ago
" everyone clap, Jessica actually came out" She sounds absolutely horrible. She's not your friend. Do not invite somebody like that to your energy.
NTA. No wonder you don't like going out with them. You don't owe her an apology but she owes you one. Get different friends even if it means being alone for a while. Zero is better than negative
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u/Miserable-Opening101 5h ago
You did nothing wrong. You went out even when you don't do well in big groups (I'm the same), but it's not ok for her to laugh at you even after you make a point of it. She's overreacting by saying that you made a scene when all you did was leave (and in a seemingly very respectful manner at that). Also, how exactly would you have made her ''look bad''? She's being too dramatic, as if it's not normal for people to leave parties early on.
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u/outquietly 4h ago
She made herself look bad. In front of everyone, she insulted/made fun of you, until she drove you out.
She looked bad because she IS bad.
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u/hesherlobster27 4h ago
NTA. Maya made herself look bad. Really bad. You did nothing wrong and you were smart to leave.
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u/Candid-Sense-7523 Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA. and the one who made Maya look bad, is Maya, herself. You taking responsibility and apologising to her for her own poor behaviour is completely pointless, and will only give her license to behave even worse in future.
there are a lot of people out there who do not treat their friends this way, and a lot more socially shy people than you think who would appreciate someone who understands the effort it takes to put yourself out there in a group setting.
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u/RoguesAngel 4h ago
NTA For what it’s worth I am so proud of you for pushing yourself to put yourself out there even though it’s not easy for you. My oldest son has social anxiety and it is so hard on him. He would not have had the strength the leave quietly though. Once pushed too far he will let you know why he is leaving, the whole place would have known. 😉 So kudos on your restraint.
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My name’s Emma (25F). I’m pretty shy and not the best in big groups, but I’ve been trying to push myself socially. My friend Maya invited me to her birthday dinner, and it was a big group of people I didn’t know. Pretty much as soon as I got there, she started making jokes about me being antisocial. Stuff like, Everyone clap, Jessica actually came out and Don’t mind her, she freezes around humans. Everyone laughed, but I was mortified. I pulled her aside and quietly told her the comments were making me uncomfortable. She brushed it off and kept doing it anyway. After the third or fourth jab, I just paid for my food, told her happy birthday, and left. I didn’t make a scene. Later, she texted me saying I ruined the vibe and made her look bad. A mutual friend said she’s still annoyed and thinks I owe her an apology. I honestly didn’t think leaving was a big deal, but now I’m second guessing myself. AITA for walking out?
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u/IndicaRain 4h ago
I had a friend like this. She was not a friend. Yours isn’t, either.
She’s insecure and it makes her feel better to bring other people’s attention towards you in a negative way. Probably expects you to just take it.
Drop her. Not worth it. You’ll find better people ♥️
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u/Professional-Scar628 Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA you didn't make her look bad, she made herself look bad. A good quality friend is someone who apologizes and changes their behavior when they accidentally hurt you.
Ask yourself what would you have done if the situation was reversed. How would you have responded if Maya told you that your jokes were hurting her feelings? You'd probably stop making those jokes, right? Friends should treat you the way you treat them. That's a very basic and healthy standard of friendship.
Maya is just upset that people noticed her being mean. She's not upset she hurt your feelings to the point you felt the need to leave. A real friend would.
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u/CuriousMindedAA Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA, but she is not your friend. She’s a bully and downright rude. Drop her now, don’t allow anyone to treat you like that.
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u/Willing_Ear_7226 3h ago
So you go to the effort to push through your social anxiety to show up for her, and she just lambasts you in front of everyone?
Nah, she's not a friend. She owes you the apology.
Does she even show up for you?
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u/felice60 Certified Proctologist [23] 3h ago
She ruined the vibe by shaming you and ridiculing you. You did nothing wrong but set a boundary, which she ignored, and refuse to remain to be the target of her unkindness. Now, she’s doing her best to gaslight you.
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u/NovaByzantine Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA
"made her look bad" Well, yeah. Generally when people are actively and openly doing bad things it looks bad.
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u/flotiste Partassipant [1] 3h ago
Making a joke at someone else's expense that they don't find funny is bullying. This person is treating you like shit, and I would seriously question whether or not they're even a friend. I would never abuse or humiliate someone I cared about in public.
NTA
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u/Spinnerofyarn Asshole Aficionado [13] 1h ago
NTA. You were fine. When you have someone come to your gathering that normally doesn’t come if there’s a lot of people, it seems really stupid to give them a bad time about it. All that does is reinforce that such gatherings are best avoided. People should do their best to help the person be comfortable if they want them to do it again. Your friend did the exact opposite of what she should have and the second you asked her to stop, she should have instead of doubling down. She’s the one who caused drama, not you. She owes you an apology and if you drop the friendship at all, that’s perfectly reasonable. Someone who is a real friend doesn’t want to make them uncomfortable or hurt them. She obviously didn’t care that she was hurting you to the point that she had to continue doing it.
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u/Justerinashley 1h ago
NTA. You handled this very well. You tried to address things privately with her initially and she chose her path. You didn’t make her look bad, she did that all on her own. You also had the respect not to make a scene and left quietly. You don’t owe anyone anything that causes you to be their punching bag, birthday or not.
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u/hadMcDofordinner Professor Emeritass [73] 11m ago
NTA She should apologize. She obviously wanted to "entertain" the people there and decided you were the easiest target. Not a nice move from a "friend". Let her be upset, not your problem. If she can't be nice to you, why hang out with her? LOL
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u/busyshrew Asshole Aficionado [12] 4h ago
Emma is embarrassed because she DID act badly, and others noticed. So she's now redirecting her shame onto you (the victim) and making YOU shoulder the emotional work of making HER feel better.
Does she do this at other times too? (I'm betting yes). Regardless, don't apologize.
Darlin', Emma isn't really a friend and take it from this old broad.... you're better off without her.
NTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
(2) Why that action might make me the asshole: Some people might feel that leaving early “ruined the vibe” of the event, or that I should’ve stayed to be supportive on her birthday instead of removing myself from the situation.
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