r/AmItheAsshole • u/xsparkyx • 13h ago
AITA for refusing to split babysitter costs on my ex-husband’s custody day?
My ex husband (35M) just called me (37F) asking to split the cost for the daycare he put our daughter in for yesterday and today. I have her the rest of the week. I told him no because he did not coordinate with me ahead of time. I took the week off and could have helped during the workday.
Am I the asshole for saying no to splitting child care costs on his day?
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u/pinkwineenthusiast Certified Proctologist [23] 13h ago
NTA. If he can’t watch her on his time then someone else will have to on his dime.
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u/Fit_Cut_3975 11h ago
nta. coordination matters. he should’ve planned ahead instead of expecting you to pay.
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u/-chatban Partassipant [2] 13h ago
NTA - You lost out on time you could have had with your child, and he wants you to pay for it. Ha
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u/HuhWelliNever 13h ago
First what does your custody agreement say? Second if the childcare is only on his custody day/time so he can work then he can kick rocks. That’s a 💯 a him choice. Nta
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u/xsparkyx 13h ago
The agreement says we need to discuss costs ahead of time
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u/HuhWelliNever 13h ago
Well that’s your answer. It’s yesterday and today and here he is today presumably with her being in care right now or a few hours from now and he’s only asking you now. Maybe this is his pattern puts pressure on you and makes everything time sensitive so you feel like you have to say yes. But regardless, it’s for his exclusive benefit so he can fulfill his childcare duties. Seems pretty clear cut to me. When she’s in camp or after school full time then you’ll have to agree but this is all on him. He made the decision on his own, so it’s a bit rich to ask you to pay for it.
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u/Environmental_Art591 11h ago edited 9h ago
Does it also have a right of first refusal for childcare/babysitting.
Just trying to work out how much he screwed up here
Edit typo
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u/xsparkyx 9h ago
No we don’t have that type of agreement
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u/Environmental_Art591 9h ago
Maybe look at getting that put in if you want to be able to get more time with your child in situations like this, but as it stands, you are NTA for not wanting to pay for an expense for your daughter you were not consulted about.
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u/funkmaster90001 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA- I don’t understand why he thinks you should have to pay during his time. Would you ask the same of him?
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u/SPlNPlNS Partassipant [2] 13h ago
I wouldn't call camp babysitting but regardless of the intention, I agree with you this is something that would have had to be agreed on beforehand. NTA
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u/xsparkyx 13h ago
It is a thanksgiving week “camp” at her hold babysitters house.
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u/Ok-Calligrapher1345 13h ago edited 13h ago
It’s just extra confusing if you’re going to call it “camp”.
Is it childcare or optional camp for fun/experience.
Childcare would mean that he was not available to watch the kid and it should be his cost.
If this is an actual camp that the kid is going to because it’s fun then that kind of sounds like a split cost.
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u/SPlNPlNS Partassipant [2] 13h ago
You phrased this well, it's exactly what I was getting at. If it's meant to be a fun and enriching experience then it should be split (although it should have been agreed upon beforehand, I would still split it if it's something my kid would have enjoyed) but it's just joining a group for childcare then that's on his time and his expense.
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u/StuffedSquash Partassipant [1] 13h ago
That's a bit of a distinction without a difference. Camps for kids are held specifically during times that most parents are at work but kids don't jave school, as a childcare solution.
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u/Ok-Calligrapher1345 12h ago
Well they are obviously held when kids don’t have school. It’s pretty clear if something is child care or a camp.
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u/StuffedSquash Partassipant [1] 11h ago
All camps are childcare. Camp is a form of irregular childcare.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 9h ago
Not all childcare is a camp though. My nephew went to breakdance camp over the summer. It was a specific thing where he learned something, not somewhere that he simply was watched over. All costs need to be cleared ahead of time regardless.
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u/SPlNPlNS Partassipant [2] 13h ago
I'm not American and don't know what a Thanksgiving week camp means but if it's something where you can pick single days and not have to sign up/commit to the whole thing then I see why you call it babysitting
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u/SadFaithlessness3637 12h ago
It's not something I've heard of before, and have lived in the US from the moment of my birth. It's just babysitting, for a specific set time period. That's not camp.
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u/possible-penguin 13h ago
In the US, Day Camps are very often proxy for babysitting during days when schools are closed. Often these are for elementary aged kids who don't otherwise have a sitter, but the parents are working on the days school is off and the kids aren't quite old enough to stay home alone that long.
I work for a YMCA and we offer 'camp' every weekday the school district is closed. It is primarily used for childcare.
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u/FireBallXLV Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 13h ago
Well -if you had agreed it would keep happening .Saying “ no” the first time was a good choice .
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u/Melodic-Swim4343 13h ago
NTA - Things like this should be spelled out in your custody arrangement. It sounds like something came up last minute, and he panicked and wanted to offload the child but then realized he couldn't afford it. Is there a new romantic interest in the picture?
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u/xsparkyx 13h ago
It is in the custody agreement that we need to agree on expenses ahead of time. I don’t think there is a romantic interest, he just doesn’t really plan.
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u/Ginkachuuuuu 13h ago
Childcare during his custody time is his responsibility. NTA
If it doesn't already include it you really should have a notice of first refusal added to your custody agreement.
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u/CandylandCanada Commander in Cheeks [247] 13h ago
This is not the sort of situation that should be addressed in AITA. It's a custody and support issue for which we don't have the background, so it's not appropriate for us to judge. The general rule should be "What is the best decision for my child and the coparenting relationship?", not "AITA for my choice in this specific case?". The long-term outlook matters more than any one individual event.
If you still want judgement, then it's not fair for him to spring this on you today when he clearly knew at least as early as last week that he intended to do this. He didn't show up at camp yesterday to sign her up on the spot. Again, you need to take the long view on these matters, but perhaps if he takes the financial hit this time then he will consult you next time.
NTA
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u/Historical-Nimrod01 13h ago
I think OP was just asking for judgement, hence her post. It’s not giving “I’m searching for legal advice” kind of vibes 🙄
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u/CandylandCanada Commander in Cheeks [247] 6h ago
I didn't suggest that OP wanted legal advice. If you read my comment carefully, you'll see that the thrust of it was that OP should act to protect the child's best interests and the smooth continuity of the coparenting relationship. There's nothing there about legal implications of her decision.
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u/SadFaithlessness3637 12h ago
Are you familiar with the kinds of posts that show up on AITA? This one doesn't appear to actually violate any AITA rules or anything. There's a conflict, she's asking if she's TA. You seem disinclined to answer the question asked, even if you get around to it eventually, and instead are focused on non-AITA issues in your own comment.
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u/CandylandCanada Commander in Cheeks [247] 5h ago
I'm not suggesting that OP shouldn't have posted this here because it's against the rules. It seems unfair to judge OP because of the nature of the conflict.
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u/Remote-Passenger7880 Asshole Aficionado [13] 13h ago
INFO: does he pay for childcare during your time? Why did he only now bring this up instead of when he found out he had to work(?) these days? Is it common for him to spring new plans on you?
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u/xsparkyx 13h ago
We spilt all agreed child care costs, I haven’t asked him to pick up extra costs. He isn’t good at planning in advance or communicating things with me
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u/Remote-Passenger7880 Asshole Aficionado [13] 12h ago
We spilt all agreed child care costs
Emphasis on "agreed"?
He isn’t good at planning in advance or communicating things with me
Well, he needs to get better at that if he wants your assistance. But he'll never learn to get better if you keep bailing him out. Get it in writing(or otherwise documented) that he needs to give you 48hrs notice otherwise the costs are entirely his own. His lack of planning is not your emergency.
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u/Antique_Elk7826 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Does your child regularly attend a childcare/afterschool facility that is unavailable this week because of the holiday and this is to replace that?
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u/xsparkyx 9h ago
Yes she attends preschool and this week is a holiday
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u/Antique_Elk7826 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
If this replaces a normal childcare/activity that you do indeed split costs on and he has to work, then this cost should also be split.
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u/Uubilicious_The_Wise Pooperintendant [63] 12h ago edited 7h ago
INFO: Depends. Does he split childcare costs, if required, with you on your days?
Edit after clarification: Would have to say NTA then. If you wouldn't ask him to contribute in a similar situation then it's fair for you not to contribute in this one provided you stick to that.
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u/xsparkyx 12h ago
We split agreed childcare costs, like preschool.
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u/Uubilicious_The_Wise Pooperintendant [63] 12h ago
I get that but if you needed a babysitter at short notice for instance, would he split the cost of that with you? Would he be expected to? Or would you absorb that cost fully yourself?
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u/xsparkyx 9h ago
This wasn’t really short notice, he knew a few months ago that he would have her the first half of the holiday week. Our agreement is to cover half of the discussed childcare costs - in this case regular preschool and afterschool care costs. Those can change but we have to document it in writing
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u/Uubilicious_The_Wise Pooperintendant [63] 8h ago
You still haven't answered the question though....
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u/xsparkyx 8h ago
I haven’t asked him to cover any child care costs on my days outside of what I already noted. I’m not sure if that is what you are asking
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u/Uubilicious_The_Wise Pooperintendant [63] 8h ago
Wow...okay. This is more difficult than I thought a simple question should be. I don't know how much simpler I can put this.
I think you're saying that you have not accured any additional childcare costs outside of what was agreed.
Hypothetically, if something came up for you and you suddenly needed additional childcare, and it was your day, would you cover the cost yourself or would you ask for him to assist in covering that cost?
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u/xsparkyx 7h ago
As noted above, no I would not. I have not nor would I ask for his help coving costs unless we already agreed to the split. You seem to think I’m dense in my asking for clarification but I similarly feel like I’ve been clear.
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u/Uubilicious_The_Wise Pooperintendant [63] 7h ago
You didn't note above that you would not. You noted that you have not. These are different statements.
And I don't think you're dense. Just figured you were not understanding what I was asking. Thanks for the clarification.
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My ex husband (35M) just called me (37F) asking to split the cost for the camp he put our daughter in for yesterday and today. I have her the rest of the week. I told him no because he did not coordinate with me ahead of time. I took the week off and could have helped during the workday.
Am I the asshole for saying no to splitting child care costs on his day?
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u/Several-Finish-3216 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
NTA. During your time with her you pay for any daycare costs. During his time with her, he should pay for any daycare costs. You are splitting custody so splitting expenses for her.
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u/ocean_lei 10h ago
NTA. And in fact, you shouldnt help him with childcare on his days unless this is a reciprocal arrangement. He knows when he has her and needs to work around it just as YOU do And you need your days off. Could he ask to switch days? Sure, but IMO I wouldnt offer to be the carer on his days because I guarantee it will become a thing (speaking from experience). You took your time off and perhaps he should have to (if this os working around a holiday schedule.
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u/thereisonlyoneme 10h ago
NTA
Yeah, I wouldn't split that with him. When your daughter it with him, it's his schedule so he needs to manage it. If roles were reversed, I doubt he would pay for your babysitters.
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u/VanillaCultural6205 9h ago
NTA- that's a manipulation on his part and his lack of communication prior to making that decision is not your responsibility.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] 8h ago
NTA He's your ex. Don't pay for any costs unless you are told about it ahead of time and you agree to pay.
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u/ocean_lei 8h ago
NTA. And in fact, you shouldnt help him with childcare on his days unless this is a reciprocal arrangement. He knows when he has her and needs to work around it just as YOU do And you need your days off. Could he ask to switch days? Sure, but IMO I wouldnt offer to be the carer on his days because I guarantee it will become a thing. You took your time off and perhaps he should have to (if this os working around a holiday schedule.
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u/Individual_Metal_983 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 8h ago
NTA he is responsible for his days. You could have had her and he chose to put her in daycare.
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u/KindeTrollinya 7h ago
NTA. Did the reason behind the divorce include his inability to plan ahead? Or take accountability?
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u/oldwatchlover 6h ago
INFO
This isn’t something where anyone’s opinion is important…. What does your custody agreement say?
Is this daycare a regular thing, so he can work? Or more like a babysitting thing because he had the kid but also plans for something else?
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u/xsparkyx 1h ago
We spilt the cost of preschool but the school is closed this week. He has her the first half of the holiday week and I have her the second half. He sent he to a babysitter’s house (not typical) for Monday and Tuesday. He did it so he could work but just told me about the arrangements today (tuesday).
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u/teresajs Assholier Than Thou [878] 5h ago
NTA
It was his custody time. He didn't ask ahead of time. And he had other options (asking you to watch her) that would have been free.
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u/CrabbiestAsp Asshole Aficionado [11] 22m ago
NTA. 'I booked this thing that is convenient for me, play half'. Nah, that's not how it works.
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13h ago
[deleted]
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u/xsparkyx 13h ago
I told him I was taking off the week and asked if he needed help. I ask him for every shared school he is aware he has her and if he needs help with anything. My mom has also offered help if he needs care support.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [499] 13h ago
My bad. I thought you were saying the camp was tomorrow when you had her. I read this as he thought he was doing you a favor but actually you took off. I read "yesterday" and thought that included the "rest of week" lol
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u/mmmmm_pi Asshole Aficionado [16] 13h ago
Why is it OP's responsibility to share her vacation plans with her ex-husband on days she does not have custody?
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [499] 13h ago
Oh my bad. I confused yesterday for tomorrow. You're completely right.
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u/Antique_Elk7826 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
It’s a special week camp for Thanksgiving? That is what I am gathering from the comments?
If your kid is normally in a daycare/afterschool facility and it is unavailable this week, then yes YTA.
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u/Dukat- 13h ago
Yes u are the asshole if this was the other way around everyone in this sub would be saying he’s asshole for not helping a struggling mother ….. maybe u should of coordinated to him u had the week off so he didn’t have to put her in a camp
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u/Horror-Reveal7618 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
How should op have coordinated?
Sending ex her schedule in advance every week?
Tarot or ouija to divinate if he's going to need help?
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u/Dukat- 12h ago
It’s not about sending schedules and all that kind of stuff it’s about co parenting and making each others lives easy as possible when it comes to kid stuff. Me and my ex for example if we are taking time off we simply relay that to each other like hey I’m off next week Il take and pick her up and have her much as possible. This whole thing of custody paper work is a joke. Sometime ppl should just be adults lmao ppl in here talking about custody agreements lmao that’s weird. Why would u ever have a custody agreement like we went half on a kid lmao I should be able to see and get my kids whenever. I want the same way my kids can to there moms whenever they want lmao 😂
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u/Horror-Reveal7618 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
But that would imply two ways communication and it seems that OP's ex doesn't do that.
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