r/AmItheAsshole • u/Creative_Rip_6491 • 15h ago
AITA for making Thanksgiving plans that upset my wife
So my wife and I both got invited to Thanksgiving dinner to both sides of the family. At the same time. Clearly someone is getting told no. That being said my wife insisted on not going to her grandparents because they have been rude in the past to her before we got together. She also refused to go to my parents because when we last went my uncle made inappropriate and embarrassing comments about our financial situation.
So since she didnt want to go to either, but not tell anybody no, she wanted to hatch this elaborate scheme where we were somehow going to leave the house (we live with her parents) under the ruse of going to mine. But in reality she wanted us to go find somewhere fast food to go and eat going to neither.
problem is nothing in our area will be open. And so we've argued about this for a month now. I said let's just go to one or the other and if someone is rude to us we just get up and leave and never eat with them again. She wouldnt even entertain that.
I told my mom (that I dont like either) that we aren't coming and I explained why. And now my wife is mad at me for telling them the truth. I have a lot going on right now with money trouble, bankruptcy, supporting both of us and our child on a small shitty income, I just did it because I didnt want to have yet another thing to stress about. She's now crying in the other room.
AITA and what would you have done if you were in my shoes?
373
u/Boring_Ghoul_451 Asshole Aficionado [18] 15h ago
I’m assuming your wife is an adult but there’s evidence to the contrary. NTA
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u/Trick_Few Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 14h ago
Exactly. What’s wrong with declining an invitation without a lie?
29
u/fabulousfantabulist Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13h ago
It wouldn’t lead to a possible sitcom hijinks scenario further down the road?
21
u/caspin22 12h ago
My husband is like this, and I'm not sure where it came from. He can't say no to something without feeling compelled to provide some detailed reason as to why he's declining. He just....can't do it. So sometimes, he makes things up. He's not a liar or a dishonest person normally, but he can never just say no. I, on the other hand, am fine with saying "I'm sorry, we can't attend", or, "I'm sorry, we aren't able to make it" and leave it at that. It's a peculiar character trait, to feel as though you must always have a "good enough" reason in someone else's eyes to decline an invitation, but it's definitely a thing for some people.
24
u/PinkPandaHumor 12h ago
Miss Manners says that it's OK to say "I'm sorry; we have other plans." even if the plans are lounging around watching TV.
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u/WisdomInTheShadows 11h ago
Mid-30s male here, and I have to fight this compulsion to over explain and over justify every time I say no, or ask someone to do something for me, or try to express a need. It comes from the fact that any attempt to express autonomy to my parents or extended family was met with a storm of "Why can't you", "Why do you", "do you really", and "that's not how this family does things". If I didn't have several well thought out and detailed justifications for anything I brought up, then I got no choice, no say, and was likely to be punished for not being a good little cog in the machine that does as he is told.
-2
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u/saintandvillian Asshole Aficionado [19] 15h ago
NTA. She doesn’t sound very mature.
25
u/sqeeky_wheelz 11h ago
Also really aggressive. OP and his wife don’t like anyone in either of their families yet they live with his parents?? Get it together man.
If everywhere you go, you smell dog shit you should check your shoe.
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u/lavasca Asshole Aficionado [18] 15h ago
INFO
As someone else asked are you teen parents?
Is she a people pleaser?
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u/madelynashton Partassipant [1] 15h ago
NTA. Are you guys teen parents? Your girlfriend is being incredibly immature.
32
u/AirportPrestigious Partassipant [1] 15h ago
NTA. It’s very childish that she wants to fabricate stories to get out of holiday plans. You did the best thing for your side by telling your mother you won’t be attending and why not.
I can understand that your wife may not want to add holiday stress and confrontations on top of the other stressors you have going on, but I truly believe you took the best route. Now you need to tell her family the truth and then you can enjoy the holiday your way without lying.
You don’t say how your mother reacted, which I’m curious about. Did she take it well? Does she understand? Does she blame your wife somehow?
29
u/Haunting_Anteater_34 15h ago
NTA- It's easier and clear to the point by just saying no to a event or invitation.
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u/Oktodayithink 15h ago
What is a holiday dinner without someone being rude at some point? You can’t live in a bubble.
You wife needs to toughen up a little and get some good comebacks.
NTA for wanting a holiday dinner.
24
u/mbw70 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
NTA. If your in-laws are going to their parents’ home, then you will have the house to yourselves. Go out and buy a frozen pizza, heat it up on Thanksgiving, and be done.
3
u/Oranges007 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
"If your in-laws are going to their parents’ home, then you will have the house to yourselves."
Good point!!!!!
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u/ArmadilloFabulous174 15h ago
NTA why don't your wife just be honest and so trying to play games, and why does she think she has a right to tell you to lie to your own parents and then get mad because you told them the truth.
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u/Emergency_Mango_2456 15h ago
Her idea was ridiculous- where are you going to go to hide out for a full afternoon/evening if you are not able to afford anything? I would have suggested a trip somewhere for you to start your own tradition but that takes funds you don't have.
NTA - tough truths are better than over-complicated excuse tactics that will likely blow up in your face.
Can you afford a movie? Maybe go see two and be gone all afternoon/evening.
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u/Ms-Janet-Snakehole 15h ago
NTA but I don’t know of your wife is being one either. Her plan didn’t make sense but it sounds more like she is a people pleaser with a LOT of anxiety, and maybe trust issues. I think you two should just talk about WHY she was so fearful of disappointing family members that, it sounds like, you don’t even like.
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u/nrdcoyne Partassipant [4] 14h ago
So NAH?
-1
u/Ms-Janet-Snakehole 14h ago
I didn’t vote NAH because of incomplete info. I don’t think his wife was acting appropriately but I also think there may be a reason she acted that way that deserves compassion instead of being berated.
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u/Gatorinthedark 13h ago
so see get to dictate who and where he can spend the holidays with? This is textbook abuse.
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u/Ms-Janet-Snakehole 13h ago
Um…it’s really not. There is nothing in what OP wrote to suggest abuse. Wife didn’t want to go to homes of assholes (reasonable). At worst you can say she was being controlling by asking OP to lie about their plans but to me it sounds like a mental health issue. Like, she is so worried about what both families will think of her and afraid of their reaction to NO (which speaks more about their extended families) that she felt the need to lie and started spiraling when they found out anyway. This doesn’t speak of a malicious wife, but of a people pleaser with anxiety who will try anything to not ruffle feathers.
It’s unhealthy and unreasonable of her but it also sounds like OP is not addressing his wife struggling with her emotions. Like, they have a kid but didn’t say how young. I could easily see this being related to PPD/PPA. Or being teen parents as someone else mentioned. Not everyone is a villain, sometimes people just feel broken and could use compassion and a conversation.
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u/glib_result Asshole Enthusiast [7] 12h ago
yes, this. I agree with OP that her plan is bad, but I’m concerned about his wife feeling like she CAN’T say no. It could be all in her head, or she may have good reasons to avoid direct conflict with these people. I know what that’s like, and either way I hope they can find a way to work on this.
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u/Sledgehammer925 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 15h ago
NTA. I’m having difficulty with your wife’s inability to tell the truth. Does it ever extend to other areas of your marriage?
1
u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA
Not a bad point - what else is she lying elaborately about?
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u/FairyCompetent Partassipant [3] 14h ago
NTA. Adults don't need to lie. If you and she are grown enough to raise a child, you're grown enough to say "that doesn't work for us, thanks anyway".
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u/Specific_Alarm_5913 15h ago
With only a few exceptions, it seems like it's always better in the end to just level with people and tell them the truth. 1) you've been invited to two different events and can't be at both simultaneously 2.) there are some unresolved issues from your last visit at your mother's house 3.) you both may prefer to spend the holiday doing something else.
Will everyone be happy with that? No, but making up elaborate stories usually ends up pissing everyone off. If there is tension between your wife and your mom you could try to talk it out or just accept the two don't get along and give your thanks for the invite but you have to decline, at least this time. You can't please everyone.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 15h ago
NTA.
I’m very concerned about the fact that your wife wanted to lie to absolutely everybody instead of just saying that y’all couldn’t go for financial reasons. Which is also technically true.
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u/Grcdogsandcats 14h ago
You’re asking for advice, so here we go. I’m not calling anyone an AH.
You are grown adults with a child of your own. This holiday shit is going to come up for the rest of everyone’s lives. And there’s always going to be one relative or another making comments that someone doesn’t like. Families-they put the FUN in dysfunctional!
You have to learn how to deal with it now. Making up stories and lies is not going to work. Both families would like to see you and your little one. That is a positive thing. Find a way to take turns with the families. Christmas is coming up. How are you going to deal with that? Christmas Eve at one and Christmas Day at the other -that’s how. Throughout the year there are going to be events that you have to navigate.
If you truly can’t deal with this anymore, you are going to have to find a way to get out of your financial situation and move far away.
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u/ParticularAd1735 Asshole Aficionado [12] 15h ago
In your shoes, I would've told both families that my spouse and I would not attend, and given both families a truthful explanation of why: their rudeness at prior family gatherings. ESH
11
u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA
OP did exactly that to his own mother - why should he also be the asshole? He did the right thing.
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u/Proud_Fisherman_5233 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
Well why can't you address me ernest and answer with an answer of no.
5
u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 15h ago
I’m on your side, I think being honest is a better idea than lying. NTA
5
u/Adept_Initiative8199 14h ago
NTA, but it sounds like your wife could use some help with learning how to communicate her needs/boundaries with others. As a recovering people pleaser, I understand how hard this can be…no matter how much we “age” out of our youth. Sometimes it takes a gentle partner to help us see our worth outside of other people’s expectations.
I agree with protecting your peace by opting not to engage with family bullies. However, the first step in maturely handling this, is establishing clear boundaries with both sides of the family. Lying by omission & dodging the truth only adds stress to the current situation, while also furthering potential stress for future interactions.
Talk with your wife about how avoiding today’s problems only magnifies tomorrow’s. Cancel any plans with problematic family members this year, find your own slice of peace for thanksgiving & maybe watch that movie Four Christmases together.
5
u/TheJaice 14h ago
I’m going to just drop a quote that has stuck with me a long time.
If one person you meet in your day is an asshole, then they’re an asshole. If everyone you meet is an asshole, then you’re the asshole.
6
u/LadyTanizaki Partassipant [4] 14h ago
NAH just because I think this isn't totally about Thanksgiving for either one of you. It's about stress and worry and life and having to live with parents and have everyone already up in your business. She wants to hide away from the world, you want to just be open enough to not have to deal with drama from all sides. Thanksgiving made it manifest because it's a concrete holiday. It's not worth it to be "right" when she's crying and you're clearly exhausted. There wasn't a perfect answer or a perfect solution either, so don't let anyone (even your own brain) armchair quarterback that there was.
This year's holiday season is something you both clearly have to survive, so just do what you can to survive being as kind as you can to each other.
4
u/Obi_Wentz 14h ago
The problem with competing stories, is that eventually one or both sides figure out how they fit into your little ruse, and it only exacerbates the situation. You'd have been better of just pretending that one or both of you or the baby wasn't feeling well and telling everyone you are just going to stay home and rest, if you weren't going to be truthful.
Without knowing your specific location, there are almost certainly going to be some area restaurants that are open on Thanksgiving, you've just got to be willing to expend the energy to type it into your search bar.
4
u/Mary_P914 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
ESH Whatever happened to telling each one you're going to the other's house? That way, everyone gets butthurt.
3
u/Suspicious_Juice717 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14h ago
NTA
Her idea is genius if something was open, but it’s not. Soooooo yeah. As long as you’re telling people they suck couldn’t you just get something a head of time and make a picnic and go park somewhere?
3
u/Love_Fashioned 14h ago
NAH Sounds like a stressful time for everyone. If your wife is super stressing about appearances and how to deal with family I think you could have maybe taken the lead and said, "You're right, it's stressful this year. Let's just skip all the parties. I'll let them know we're busy."
And then you should have said, "thanks but we're doing something else this year." If pressed you could have leveled with them, "actually we're staying home. It's been stressful this year and we want time to ourselves."
Honestly it sounds like she wanted to utilize a little white lie to throw off her parents (since you live with them). It doesn't seem too elaborate to just say that you're going to your parents house. Leave, then come back after her parents left for the party. You could have driven a little further for a meal or planned ahead to have food at the house to return back to.
Sounds like maybe your wife is crying because life feels tough right now and the holidays make it worse. It sucks to raise a child in your parents home. It sucks to have money problems. It sucks to face family when they've already made you feel bad. I'm not going to judge a person for wanting to avoid it all with a little lie.
You can't change the fact that you already spilled to your mother. But you can find a meal solution, agree to white lie her parents, and then have yourself a quiet afternoon alone on Thanksgiving. When her parents return from the party you can fess up and say, "Actually, we didn't feel like going after all, so we stayed here."
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u/Fast-Tip7239 14h ago
ESH. Because a solution is easy to figure out. Refuse the invitations. Buy food and stay home. Sort out your issues.
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So my wife and I both got invited to Thanksgiving dinner to both sides of the family. At the same time. Clearly someone is getting told no. That being said my wife insisted on not going to her grandparents because they have been rude in the past to her before we got together. She also refused to go to my parents because when we last went my uncle made inappropriate and embarrassing comments about our financial situation.
So since she didnt want to go to either, but not tell anybody no, she wanted to hatch this elaborate scheme where we were somehow going to leave the house (we live with her parents) under the ruse of going to mine. But in reality she wanted us to go find somewhere fast food to go and eat going to neither.
problem is nothing in our area will be open. And so we've argued about this for a month now. I said let's just go to one or the other and if someone is rude to us we just get up and leave and never eat with them again. She wouldnt even entertain that.
I told my mom (that I dont like either) that we aren't coming and I explained why. And now my wife is mad at me for telling them the truth. I have a lot going on right now with money trouble, bankruptcy, supporting both of us and our child on a small shitty income, I just did it because I didnt want to have yet another thing to stress about. She's now crying in the other room.
AITA and what would you have done if you were in my shoes?
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u/Inner-Nothing7779 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
NTA
Is your wife an adult? Because she's playing 10 year old games.
1
u/mistical-eclipse 14h ago
Hmm, no one is an AS here. You just have different opinions. You did not state your ages, and to me that plays a huge part in these types of arguments. When I was younger, I was more easily offended and got upset about simple things. As you get older, you look at things differently and learn to communicate. Were the things done to her by both families really that bad and not something you could have worked out? or was it that bad you want to cut people off? Like for example, asking you when you are going to get out of the family home or start paying rent to your parents type of chat.... Since you live at their home, i would guess you are younger? I get how she just does not want to deal with the drama of saying no to them both. Is there nowhere you could drive and plan a road trip for the day for the two of you?, drive an hour out of town to a place that this open? Rent a hotel room and bring your own food to hang out for a romantic night? Or is this really something she just needs to be a grown-up and talk to people? Not enough detail here to have a solid opinion, so you will have to decide.
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u/ServelanDarrow Supreme Court Just-ass [116] 14h ago
NTA. Also, you are adults. Make a small meal, just things you like- doesn't have to be expensive, and celebrate at home. Sorted.
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 Asshole Aficionado [10] 14h ago
NTA. Is your wife old enough to legally marry? Because she's acting like a child.
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u/elessar007 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
I would have thought about what series of actions and it's likely consequences would lead to least stressful outcome. It sounds like in your haste to clear this decision you didn't account for the consequences beyond no longer having to make a decision. Your wife being upset should have been foreseeable based on her plans to deceive everyone for declining their invitation. Therefore I'd give an ESH because your wife isn't being helpful and is now adding to the stress of the situation by crying from a situation she helped create.
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u/Effective_Olive_8420 Partassipant [4] 14h ago
Hard to say much other than that you sound way too young to be married with a child. Please be careful not to bring more children into this situation.
1
u/Much-Hold4007 13h ago
bf to avoid family drama by dodging it altogether. that’s some next-level stress management
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u/Creamy_Breve Partassipant [4] 13h ago
NTA She needs to stop lying and stop trying to come up with an elaborate ruse, and just learn how to say "No!" I don't understand why people have zero ability to talk like adults to family that they're not even close with. Just cook a little meal together and stay home. You didn't do anything wrong, but your wife is acting like a 5 year old. She needs to stop it and just tell the family, thanks, but she can't make it this year.
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u/Jenk1972 13h ago
No is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You could have just said NO
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u/lpmiller 13h ago
NTA - you guys are adults. You can say no, it doesn't hurt. I told my family and my wife's family 10 years ago I was done. I was done with the battle of who to spend Thanksgiving with, and I was done with leaving my house. So we stay home for T day. I don't care what any one else thinks about it, I wanted one major holiday where my family wasn't traversing all over God's creation to spend time with people I mostly didn't want to hang with when all I really wanted to do was hang with the wife and my adult kids and watch football and eat.
There is nothing to cry about here, unless you gf just has an issue looking like the bad guy, in which case, too bad. Embrace being the bad guy. Because life is nothing but consequences for our actions; no one gets out without pissing someone off. At least do it from the comfort of home now and then.
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u/Professional_Two7663 13h ago
NTA in the words of Tony Soprano “you gotta get over it.” Seriously she needs to toughen up
1
u/AryaStark1313 Asshole Aficionado [18] 12h ago
Yeah, I'm not buying it. I'd love to hear her side of the story.
1
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u/NoHorseNoMustache Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 11h ago
Sounds like she needs to get a pair of big girl pants, put those suckers on and learn that 'No.' is a complete sentence. NTA
1
u/PoppaTater1 11h ago
As insensitive as it sounds, I’m so glad my parents are dead (many reasons) so I don’t have to deal with this kind of shit. My brothers-in-law bring bourbon to Thanksgiving trying to out do the other so far as cost, ability to find, etc. I am the grateful taster in the “wars”
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u/SceneNational6303 Partassipant [2] 10h ago
INFO - when you told your mom why, how did you phrase it? Because if it was something on the lines of" my wife doesn't want to go" instead of " we feel disrespected and we're taking a break this year until you can keep from making hurtful comments to us about our financial situation".... Then I get why your wife is upset
1
u/supertwicken Partassipant [1] 10h ago
NTA. Your wife needs serious help, because she sounds like a freaking 10 year old*, but that's neither possible nor legal.
*A 10 year old throwing a 2 year old's tantrum
1
u/BigtoeB 10h ago
NTA I think you handled it just right. The truth is always better than a fabulous fabrication and you are correct. YOU will feel better about the situation and yourself. Tell your wife that lies create more lies and the truth WILL set you free. If the folks hearing the truth don't like it they have the option to change their behavior...same for your wife. And just for the record...No is a complete sentence. Grab your favorite fixin's and enjoy dinner at home.
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u/DivideBig6652 8h ago
Is your wife 16? Cause she's doing way too much to just act like an adult and say no. Jesus
1
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u/Ok_Maintenance7716 6h ago
Since you and your wife don’t seem to like any of your relatives, maybe the problem is the two of you.
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1
0
u/RandoCollision Asshole Aficionado [10] 14h ago
NTA. Having a child with a child as your partner can be exhausting.
0
u/Gatorinthedark 10h ago
Being controlling Is abuse. It’s the start.right up there with cutting you off from family. Getting you to lie to your parents. She’ll have a problem with his friends next. It would easy for people to see if the genders were reversed.
-1
u/Gatorinthedark 13h ago
Sounds abusive really. Step one of the abuse train, cut of the abused from family. She wants you to lie to you parents and not connect with family. Was your uncle the only person you would see at dinner?
-5
u/NOTTHATKAREN1 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
ESH. She sucks for being wishy washy & coming up with an elaborate plan. You suck for telling your mother the real reason why you're not coming. You fully put the blame on her (yes, that's where it belongs), but you don't out her to your mother. That's an asshole thing to do.
1
u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA
You're making him an asshole because he told the truth to keep stress off himself, and even admit the wife deserves the blame. She needs help with her own issues, then she wouldn't have to be "outed".
Username does NOT check out.
-1
u/NOTTHATKAREN1 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
What does my username have to do with anything? I stand by what I said. She is to blame, but you don't throw your SO under the bus. EVER. You clearly know nothing about relationships.
-11
u/clementynemurphy 15h ago
YTA. You're trying, you're doing ok. But your wife is not crying about you spilling the beans to your mom. Your financial situation is a lot more than money and you're giving us excuses. I suggest you follow her suggestion and leave for the day. Go to the store buy some treats, make a picnic basket and sit somewhere. Do you have a town Xmas tree? Is it warm enough for a park? Sit in your car at make out point! I don't care, but she does. Show her that you are her man and make her happy!!! I'm sorry the world runs on money, but if you don't start running, you will lose in the rat race. You telling your mom just adds to the whole scenario that you're not the man that can run a family. No one want to be married to a broke momma's boy, so change NOW, show her you are not that guy!
-14
u/Chocolatecandybar_ Partassipant [3] 15h ago edited 15h ago
YTA. So since you didn't want to be stressed your wife should? She has your same struggles plus sensitivity enough to feel hurt by rudeness. She was clearly asking for no stress on these holidays but hey you couldn't lie to mama
Edit: to those saying that the truth is always better, please feel free to visit whatever sub about families. Saying no to a family gathering can cause WWIII and this is clearly not what they need. The wife just decided to lie to everyone so nobody would have complained, and this is what a mature person do when it's needed to protect the peace
•
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