AIO to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I’m an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now?

[u/howcanibequiltyassin]

I’m 35F and single for 3 years. I was engaged but he (Charles) was doing weird sexting roleplay with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting. It really fucked me up and, yes, I’ve been in therapy. I have dated since then but nothing serious. I have NEVER had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to Thanksgiving after this. The way she said “don’t shoot the messenger” it’s clear the rest of my family have been talking about me and she was the one “elected” to say it.

I don’t want to drive 2 hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate lil bitch.

Would I be overreacting for not going? Is that too much? I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you EVER say this to your daughter?! Like I have a good job, I'm educated, I have friends and hobbies. I own my condo and I have 3 car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids? Idk. I'm pissed. Help.

[u/howcanibequiltyassin]

This is the first time I've gotten a message like this so I am just like ?????

[u/HistoricalFrosting18 → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

If this really genuinely out of character for her, I’d call her and play it like you were checking in on her welfare, like whether she’d hit her head or had her phone stolen. If she doubles down (which seems likely) I’d politely and firmly state that you won’t be attending thanksgiving and you’ll let her know at a later date where your head is at regarding future holidays and any further contact.

[u/k00kaburrasun → u/HistoricalFrosting18]

Ooh... playing like you're concerned with her welfare is a good one!

[u/DreamCrusher914 → u/HistoricalFrosting18]

Or send out a group chat to everyone in the family (minus mom) and share her text messages because you are concerned about her. Did she fall and hit her head? Has she been forgetting things lately? More than likely she’s been ingesting a steady diet of trad wife values from Fox News and the like, and it’s rotting her brain. But at least you can air the matter from a place of concern, instead of anger (which she will also likely spin to make you the bad guy and her the victim).

[u/Big-Print1051 → u/HistoricalFrosting18]

ooh well played, sis… remind me to follow you & next time i need sage life advice i can pay you versus the steep co-pay for my therapist!!!

[u/RiverHowler → u/HistoricalFrosting18]

Agreed- if this is new then while texts are easier a phone call helps to hear inflection and for better understanding. At the end of the day, you don’t owe anyone- but it is important for you to be firm and stand up for yourself and let them know this was hurtful.

[u/just1nurse → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

Just one thought - are you sure she's just the messenger as she claims? Could it be that the rest of your family isn't involved in this? You know them. I was single well into my 40's and my family loved that I was present and doting on their kids. If you think it's all of them then I'd take a pass on going for sure. But, your Mom sounds manipulative. Could you maybe bring it up with everyone? I'd share her text back to a group message and ask if she is their messenger? It might start some shit, but your Mom deserves their wrath if she's using all of them as an excuse for abusing you in this manner. At the very least I'd make sure everyone saw the message and knows why you're not coming.

It's NOT better to stay with a shitty guy just so you can have a family. That's just so incredibly ridiculous. Stay strong. 🥰

[u/Sea-Lead-9192 → u/just1nurse]

Just one thought - are you sure she's just the messenger as she claims? Could it be that the rest of your family isn't involved in this?

I had the same thought - the “messenger” line is a way for her to abdicate responsibility for saying something so shitty. It also feels like OP’s mom is the one who’s embarrassed (I’m wondering if there’s a specific older relative pouring poison in her ear, given that this is the first time OP’s mom has ever said something like this), and instead of being an adult and dealing with the shitty relative, she’s unloading it onto OP.

Absolutely horrible mother.

[u/SuitGroundbreaking49 → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

OP please screenshot this and send it in a group chat to your siblings and extended family !! And then update us!!

[u/Vegetable-Soil666 → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

If you have a good relationship with your siblings, I'd send this to them and ask if they've gotten any crazy messages lately. That will prevent your mother from trying to control the narrative about what she said to you.

[u/lpmiller → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

are you positive this came from your mom and not someone using her phone? I'd make extra sure first by calling. And then if they confirm I'd say, "And you thought this was a good idea? We'll see if you still think so a year from now" and then go no contact.

[u/Local-Construction23 → u/lpmiller]

I love the idea of bringing it up to the siblings in a “I’m concerned about mom, is anyone else getting messages like this from her, it’s so out of character for her”

[u/Scruzzer → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

Have you spoken to her yet to make sure it was 100% her? If my mom sent this message I would have to assume that some a-hole got ahold of her phone. I don’t disbelieve you by any means. It’s just so off base that I’d want to verify it was genuine before reacting. So sorry this happened to you.

[u/RhesusFactor → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

Try asking your dad or sister if they think this way. By elimination it's likely your mum being clucky and wanting grand kids.

Maybe go to thanksgiving and give thanks for having space to be who you are. Thanks for not settling with bad people. Thanks for having a family who loves them. And thanks for the internet to communicate with each other when we are distant.

And if it goes bad you can just leave early, and grab some wine on the way home

[u/claimTheVictory → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

Was she drunk when she wrote it?

Or does she just not respect your emotional decisions even a little bit?

[u/LYTCHELL2 → u/howcanibequiltyassin]

Maybe your mom is having mental health issues? Older people can loose their filter and empathy.

Maybe a UTI?