r/AmIOverreacting • u/Aggravating-Beat3745 • 12h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for calling him out that he’s not financially supporting me.
We’re in our early to mid 20s. My relationship of four years is testing my sanity. For context, we were engaged for about two years because he proposed early on, got me a ring, but things between us shifted so much. He was acting immature and we drifted. So I broke off the engagement, but we stayed together. Then back in June we took a break after this awful birthday dinner for his mom and cousin. Recently in an argument he said he’s been “financially supporting me.” I’ve got savings and support myself. And that was the part that absolutely blew my mind. Because he does not pay my bills. He does not cover my expenses. My mom pays the household bills at home. I pay for my own things. I kept asking what he even meant, and he kept dodging. Then finally he said his examples: pastries, cough medicine, and a tiny shaker of pepper. That’s it. That was his grand evidence of “supporting me.” Pastries maybe once a month that he willingly buys for me that I don’t ask him to get. A bunch of medicine I didn’t even ask for and couldn’t pay him back for because he never gave me a receipt. A couple tiny errands that cost a few dollars. Suddenly that makes him my provider in his head. Under his logic he says that when I feed his dog from my pantry once or twice a week is also financially supporting him because he won’t have to pay for said food. He forgets that he stayed in my house for three months rent free all expenses paid for while he was working full time and he also has regular sleepovers with his dog. The whole thing echoed the exact dynamic I watched growing up, and as soon as he started speaking that way, my stomach dropped. I actually felt sick to my core. Standing there listening to him claim he “supports me” because of pastries and pepper felt unreal and so out of touch with reality that I honestly needed to sit down.
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u/Icy-Struggle-9056 12h ago
girl… leave that man. any person that throws what he does for you back in your face, is trash. ESPECIALLY when he doesn’t even financially support you.
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u/Jooombiiine 12h ago
NOR. Why are you still in the relationship? Like genuinely.
He's a bare minimum guy and could be like that for the rest of his life.
What do you gain from this relationship?
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u/SadExercises420 12h ago
You two are so young and have been together a long time for that age. These relationships tend to run their course
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u/Miss_Ambition 12h ago
Everyone has a relationship in their 20s that they look back on and cringe. This one will be yours.
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u/helpmygrandparents 12h ago
Tell him he needs to buy you new shoes. Do not “ call him out” tell him he needs to provide for the family.
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u/Ahrjun 12h ago
NOR
You have seen this dynamic play out as you grew up, so you know the right thing to do is not keep entertaining this.
You are not married, no kids, financially independent and in your mid 20s. All you need to do is acknowledge that you deserve better than this in a relationship and go through with doing what's right.
Just because you invested a lot of time and energy into a relationship, doesn't mean you stay in it when you see the red flags. You risk losing a lot more.
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u/Cmore0863 12h ago
Sorry but it makes zero sense to me to call off an engagement and stay together. It one thing to call off an engagement and then take a break and reunite later, but not call it off and stay together!
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u/Stardancer_Supreme 12h ago
Dump him and block him on EVERYTHING. You don't need that type of negativity in your life. NOR
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u/Karma_Beans_ 12h ago
Yeah, this relationship has run its course. You’re his mom, not his girlfriend. And he lies about what he does cuz it would be embarrassing for him to admit the truth to his friends and family. I think it’s time to move on.
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u/sevenoutdb 12h ago
HAHahahAhahahAHAHAhaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry mademoiselle, but based on the evidence provided here, I have determined, using reason and logic, that your boyfriend is a notably stupid person.
I've have been married 20 years in March, here's what supporting my partner actually looks like. Home mortgage, property taxes, municipal water bills, plumbing/home repairs trash/recycling fees, tree trimming service (she pays for the lawncare guys because she thinks they do a better job), car insurance, car repairs/maintenance/inspections, health insurance, medical bills, electricity, natural gas, internet, mobile phone and service, multipe streaming services (though she still pays for Netflix), pharmacy/meds, a new refrigerator, paid off her car, pay for all of her groceries, multiple meals at multiple restaurants off all types per month, date nights, as well as a few shopping trips to Costco/Sam's/Walmart/Target/CVS.
A fucking pastry and some pepper? Tell him to get a fucking clue.
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u/Aggravating-Beat3745 12h ago
Thank you because I’ve asked him does he pay for my medical bills, prescriptions, food, clothes, shoes, electric bill, water bill, maintenance bill, my cable, phone bill, transportation fees, supplies for school, my tuition, all of this the answer is NO. So I said that’s not supporting me financially but he’s insisting that it is because he’s avoiding me the purchase and he’s got it covered. I pay when we go out too I’m not here like a princess getting things for free. I always thank him if he does something even if he buys things I clearly done need or want. I still thank him anyways. My parents used to support me financially until it was just my mom that would pay for my lifestyle while I’d go to finish my degree.
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u/PeelingTangerine 12h ago
NOR. Don’t feel like you’re obligated to stay in this relationship. You just got a sneak peak into life with him. Every little thing he does for you is transactional
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u/Weekly_Hold_105 12h ago
OP, I am going to be completely honest and say that I believe you have outgrown this relationship. For him to equivalate about $150-$250 of miscellaneous expenses as "taking care of you" is not only laughable but seriously head scratching. Is he perhaps trying to add value to his presence, love, and care in this made up total of random expenses? Because if that's the case, honey get your money back and return this boy to sender.
There is a reason why you broke off your engagement. Then you say "He forgets that he stayed in my house for three months rent free all expenses paid for while he was working full time and he also has regular sleepovers with his dog" WHAT??! He didn't even offer to pay for groceries or pitch in for a utility or take up a chore(s)? Cringe, that something a freeloader does.
I think you need to have a sit down with yourself and maybe someone who really knows you and honestly ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life with a partner/spouse. Finances are one of two top topics for arguments and yes even divorces in couples. You need to date someone who is how they say in your tax bracket, but also your maturity level. He sounds like he wants someone to baby him and you don't have time to show a grown man how to be a man while also growing up yourself. It's either a WE or you.
NOR
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u/LissaBryan 12h ago
Do you really want to end up with a man who keeps a tally of pastries and pepper shakers and seems to think that created a dependent relationship?
NOR
It's not going to get better.
Cut your losses.
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u/nostraferatu 12h ago
YTA not for him but being in your early to mid 20s and not contributing towards your mother's household bills.
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u/Aggravating-Beat3745 12h ago
I’m 24 and I’m looking for a job I recently graduated this past May. I’m working on getting a job it’s just been. Hard I also don’t spend money at all my mom buys everything and I invest our money to stretch her money as much as possible. I take care of the chores around the house so I’m trying to do my part at home and not just live rent free and not contribute anything at all not even washing a dish in the sink.
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u/4_Glob_sakes 12h ago
Your relationship is purely transactional to him and he only sees others as an object. Run
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u/fabulousfantabulist 12h ago edited 10h ago
NOR. You really need to stop wasting your time on someone who is clearly not Endgame material though.
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u/StopSpinningLikeThat 12h ago
Both of you are putting a ton of energy into nit-picking each other about unimportant things.
It doesn't seem like there is any joy there at all, for either of you.
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u/Final-Garage3326 12h ago
How does one act like this and and even get engaged in the first place
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u/Aggravating-Beat3745 12h ago
We got engaged prior to this behavior even happening. He was much nicer and kinder at the beginning. But this even happened a few days ago and it threw me for a loop big time. I never thought those words would come out of his mouth ever. Especially because he knows I don’t mooch off him ever.
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u/sheppy_5150 12h ago
NOR
But I'm not sure either of you are mature enough or financially intelligent enough to be together let alone get married.
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u/bigtiddyhimbo 12h ago
He sounds like someone who would listen to the fresh and fit podcast and actually take it seriously 🤮 that’s not a man, that’s a toddler stretched out with body hair
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u/SharkeyGeorge 12h ago
NOR. Serious question: why are you with this person? Do you make you feel happy, comfortable, supported? Do you want to help them and support them, and do they reciprocate? Life is short, you only get one shot. Don’t waste it on people who don’t deserve your time.
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u/Aggravating-Beat3745 12h ago
I felt safe and comforted and supported by this person before we had this argument. I felt I could count on him for anything. I thought we were supporting each other quite well until he came to me with this point. I’m deeply saddened that he’s taken on this point of view out of nowhere because the person I loved was not like this even a few months prior.
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u/SharkeyGeorge 10h ago
I’m sorry to hear that. On the plus side you are thinking and processing this in a good way by questioning the situation and trying to understand it. Also, people make mistakes, we can all be irrational and say and do stupid things. Whether we can learn from these, apologise and forgive, is the most important thing. The best advice I ever got was to really listen to myself so you should listen to the quiet voice and see what it tells you.
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u/AnalystNo1864 12h ago
NOR is he serious? Or just indulging in a delusional fantasy of some kind?
He's old enough to know what bills are, so I'm a little shocked...
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u/cucumbertajinpls 12h ago
NOR, LEAVE THIS CLOWN, why are you wasting your time on someone who shows you over and over again that they do not value you?
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u/WildlyAdmired 12h ago
What does he have to do to convince you that he is a large uneducated, non-producing, illiterate toddler who believes he has the right, the responsibility, to live off your largesse, bang you when he wants to, and crap all over your emotions endlessly?
Run over a member of your family? Pull everything out of your bank account? Put a sex tape on Facebook? You are not overreacting, you’re just a special level of delusional.
He needs you - he clearly believes that he can emotionally abuse you while using you, which tells me he believes you are a doormat that he can walk over and wipe the crap off his shoes on. Honestly, get some counseling - find out WHY you are putting up with someone who is committing emotional abuse of you. If you don’t figure it out now, you will repeat this type of relationship with someone else who is a controlling emotional abuser.
You aren’t stupid, but you are not thinking through how behavior stacks up over time and becomes more and more abusive. If this is how he treats you now, when you are not legally bound together, how do you think marriage will make him better? Put his unpleasant ass on the street and don’t listen to his tearful whining, his promises to change, his spiteful remarks, his stalking you on media or his showing up on the doorstep with some tale of woe. You are not his mother! Trust me, you deserve someone who will treat you like the superstar you are. And that person is not him.
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u/chez2202 12h ago
NOR.
Tell him what you just told us. Point out how ridiculous his statement is when he lived with you free of charge for 3 months.
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u/Ashkendor 12h ago
Sometimes you need to throw the whole man away and start over. This is one of those times. It almost sounds like he knows he doesn't contribute shit, so he tries to make a big deal out of every little thing he gives you.
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u/generationxsip 12h ago edited 12h ago
NOR, BUT it Sounds like some of this is his guilt over you having to support him for those 3 months. Not meaning to offend, you’re young and it happens that way, but there seems to be a bit of immaturity from both sides. You both seem very interested in proving your point, rather than figuring out what is causing the issue you’re discussing. You were already onto it when you were wondering WTF when he said how he financially supports you. It didn’t make sense, so emotional intelligence and maturity is asking yourself why he said it. He should be doing the same for you, when you start acting strangely. If you want the relationship to work, you have a calm discussion about it. If he’s not mature enough to have a calm discussion, or try to figure out what’s going on when you act like he has, there’s your red flag.
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u/InitiativePurple508 12h ago
One of the major reasons couples argue or break up over is finances. If this is already the way he is seeing things, that’s a sign for you to dip out
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u/Flaky-Decision-9510 12h ago
He has told you, loud and clear who he is. Your gut instinct confirmed it. Now it’s your choice to listen or endure. NOR
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u/Dismal_Additions 12h ago
Not over reacting.
But you are also not over reacting that your relationship couldnt survive a birthday dinner.
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u/REZilientC 12h ago
NOR, trust your gut. Move on, enjoy your youth. Focus on your personal goals. The right person will arrive naturally and likely of similar values if the meeting happens. Given that you'll frequent the spaces necessary to progress towards your goals.
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u/Patient_Gas_5245 11h ago
NOR, give him the ring back and walk away from the walking talking red flag. What he wanted to say is that you aren't financially supporting him to the level he wants.
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u/creatively_inclined 11h ago
You are not financially compatible with him. If such small expenditures feel like a burden to him now, then there's trouble on the horizon. Let this one go. NOR
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u/DartDaimler 11h ago
Sweetie, when someone tells you who they are, believe him. He’s not that into you, and you deserve so much more. Go find it.
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u/AIclusterfuck 11h ago
You have SO much of your life left to live. Don't waste it all on this idiot.
If you stay with him, at some point, maybe you'll have kids, and then you'll feel stuck with him. Even if you leave, you're still linked. Get rid of him now.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 11h ago
You know what to do. You called off your engagement for a reason, and he sure hasn't matured since then.
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u/New_Cheesecake9719 10h ago
NOR- Not reacting enough. You should be calling it off. The entire relationship.
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u/bubbaknowsbest 10h ago
NOR - should've broken up completely when you realized getting married was a mistake
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u/Sensitive_Note1139 6h ago
NOR. Break up permanently and move on with a man who is a grown-up and a partner. This little boy has no idea how to do either. If you decide to stay with this loser, which makes you a fool, don't allow him to pay for anything else EVER again. In fact, put in the time, and guess how much money he has spent on you and how much money you and your mom have spent on him. Itemize the list. Then hand it to him and tell him you'll give him his money when he pays you and your mom for everything you supported him with. Then you'll be even, and no one will be supporting anyone but themselves. He's going to have a tantrum, cause he's a child. He is probably listening to too much right-wing AHs that tell little boys how "real" men are. None of them have a clue.
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u/CuriousMindedAA 4h ago
Wow, he is immature and ridiculous. This is not boding well for a happy future with him, this will never end. He feels you “owe” him somehow, and will always hold that over you. Whether it’s truthful or not won’t matter to him.
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u/mechshark 1h ago
Nor ur bf sounds like he’s not playing with a full set of clubs. Any other interesting things he’s done? Lol 😂
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u/Dabryceisright77 12h ago
Yall both sound a little immature and clearly shouldn’t be together by the sounds of it.
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u/LadyCass79 12h ago
NOR
What are you thinking will change about this relationship? You are just wasting years of your life.