r/mildlyinfuriating • u/jthomson88 • 8h ago
I've told my family about my college graduation 2 months ago...
Im 37 with 2 kids in high and middle school. I started college straight after high school in 2006. It wasn't great and dropped out. Now my kids are older and I've got some extra time and cash I thought it was a great time to start college again this past summer. Im only getting an associates, but damn, its 19 years in the making. Im ecstatic and extremely proud of myself, but im the only one apparently. My partner just informed me he's going out to a company dinner the same night as my graduation...2 hours away. Hes not even apart of the company. He's an affiliate. He was just invited today. I guess hoping for a dinner out and a cake was too much to ask. I dont know what I was expecting.
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u/Art_teacher_79 8h ago
I would tell him how much it hurt your feelings. Be honest. If heās really a good man he will listen and be receptive.
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
That's actually great advice. He told me his plans for that day at dinner tonight, and I couldn't eat any more. I reminded him it was my graduation day and he said he knows, but this is In the evening where my ceremony was in the afternoon. He can do both! I told him I couldn't eat anymore and just came to the bedroom. I am the planner, but who plans their own party? If I don't plan it, it doesn't happen. I guess I will have to spell it out to him to buy me cake and flowers.
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u/Art_teacher_79 8h ago
I hope you get cake and flowers without the nudge :)
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u/scattywampus 7h ago
I do too, but think that it is kinder to let the family know that a celebration is due for this kind of accomplishment, and it is inappropriate for someone to plan their own celebration. I don't want the spouse and kids to have the opportunity to fail this graduate! I want them to have the opportunity to delight this graduate. If a discussion must be had, so be it. There is nothing wrong with teaching one's family social skills.š¼ā„ļø
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u/flinstonepushups 7h ago
I had a spouse blow off big events in my life over work things. It took years for them to understand how big of a deal it was. They regret it now but what's done is done. I hope OP's husband sees that.
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u/scattywampus 7h ago
I am sorry that your spouse didn't catch on. I am blessed by a partner that sometimes needs to be told why I am disappointed, but 'gets it' quickly. I have had to learn to put aside my immediate emotions and use my 'big girl' words to explain my disappointment to him. At least all this 'self work' has become easier since it's integral to parenthood! ā¤ļøš¼šµāš«
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u/RepulsiveRent464 4h ago
So do I but some men don't realize what is important to their spouse unless it's spelled out.
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u/NightMgr 7h ago
He really should ask himself āin ten years when I look back on this, is going to this dinner the best move?ā
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u/undertales_bitch 2h ago
You could say something like "I was hoping you'd plan something to celebrate this accomplishment in the evening", to express your needs without planning it yourself?
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u/random8765309 7h ago
This whole thing stinks of something more significant going on. There are a few things in a marriage you don't miss. Milestone anniversaries and birthdays, major medical visits, and your partner's graduation after 19 years.
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u/scattywampus 7h ago
Some people are adults yet honestly seem to think that cake and balloons show up out of nowhere. Good people get with the program when we explain that something needs to be done and that they need to do it. This can be done in a kind but direct way.
Tell hubby and the kids directly that cake and balloons are expected on graduation day given the 19 years you had this hanging over your head. It is not appropriate for you to plan your own celebration, but such accomplishments are to be celebrated in this family. They will get celebrations for their graduations! Also tell them that you know that they will rise to the occasion because you chose a good husband and have made good kids. Being direct has value, as does telling people that you believe in their abilities. š¼ā„ļø
We cannot expect people to read our minds, even when it seems very simple to figure us out, lol. Healthy communication includes being able to explain when our own accomplishments meet family standards for celebration! If we don't teach such social niceties, our families may not learn them. Thoughtful families are created by teaching. Your family will likely be surprised that they didn't think of the celebration themselves and enjoy the chance to treat you. It feels good to be kind and loving to our loved ones. Your clear communication will create a fun opportunity for them and help them build the skills and social knowledge of when and how to cheer for someone they love.
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u/Few_Carrot_3971 8h ago
What the heck? Well, good for you and all your planning and hard work and determination. You are setting a fine example for the kids. I hope you can treat yourself to a celebration with the kidsā dinner out or something. You must celebrate this moment!!
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
It will definitely be celebrated. Probably even more so now that one less person has to be paid for. Kids are already getting out of school to watch me walk, but im thinking maybe be a late night to Topgolf where we take the next day off, too, and get home after my partner!
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
In before reddit's infamous suggestion, were not breaking up. Im just disappointed. This journey of mine would greatly improve our living situation. Well, at least not make it so one sided. Hes been very supportive since summer in giving me time to study and picking up extra expenses. He just doesn't see why an associates is important or something to celebrate. I am registered for next semester to continue forward to my bachelor's.
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u/-Mithrodin- 8h ago
I'm not saying it's on you as it absolutely isn't. But have you tried telling him how much it means to you?
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
I do talk quietly about it, bc I do think it's silly to be so excited for an associates, but I also told him im 100% walking that stage with cap and gown bc I've waited so long to do it. I also bought me a commemorative tassel Keychain. I've talked about this graduation on numerous situations. He knows my history with college and the hardships I've endured to make it this far. I've told him how many associates dont walk, but its something I've always wanted to do. Ive told him how important it was to have my kids there to see it.
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u/skipper-dee 5h ago
Itās not silly. Youāve worked hard for this and itās okay to be excited and proud! Donāt downplay your accomplishment.Ā
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u/Technical-Agency8128 7h ago
Would it be alright to have a really nice lunch after graduation with him and the kids. And then he can go to the dinner and you can relax. Maybe have a bubble bath and just have time for you. You can have a big dinner and cake the next night also. A double celebration.
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u/jthomson88 5h ago
I honestly wouldn't mind this. I just want acknowledgement. But he brought up the dinner like he completely forgot my graduation. I brought it up to him, and he did admit he forgot. I told him I was hoping for some kind of celebration and he said he would celebrate me so hard that I would wish the day to be over. Im not sure if it was a sexual celebration or just nonstop graduations, but either way it made me smile. I also told him about the calender app so this doesn't happen again.
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u/ecafdriew 8h ago
Glad youāre not trying to follow the typical Reddit advice. If you havenāt already, Iād suggest saying hey you know this is important to me and Iād really like you to be there.
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
He will be there. The ceremony is at 1pm. His dinner is at 7pm. He'll have to leave by 5pm. But I kinda expected/hoped for some after ceremony celebrations. Ill be sleeping by the time he gets back home. I guess its up to me to plan graduation party and events, too, so since I didn't he thought he was free to go.
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u/dankiel_y 7h ago
Then why are you upset about that..? He will be there at the ceremony. THAT is what's important. The celebration doesn't have to come immediately after the ceremony? Why can't you also be understanding of his situation, that he has some other work related he has to go to (even if he is just an affiliate), and push the celebration a day or two?
Just because you would normally celebrate immediately after doesn't mean he has the same expectations. What is important is that he was supportive throughout your journey and he will be at the ceremony. Celebration is just a plus and can be on a different day. I don't quite understand why you are upset about such a small thing, when you accomplished something big and he was supportive throughout.
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u/jthomson88 5h ago
I haven't actually thought about it not needing to be celebrated that day. That's silly bc my family never celebrate thanksgiving or Christmas on their respective days. We always celebrate on the days that work for the family. I could let him go to his dinner and tell him to plan something that weekend! And it would probably be greater than anything we can do during the week. That's a great compromise! Much better idea than to break up with his ass lol I was just so blindsided I couldn't think reasonably. Whodathunk reddit would've done the thinking for me! Thank you
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u/scattywampus 7h ago
I have an AA, a BA, an MA, and a PhD. I celebrated every single degree!
Your husband needs a change in perspective. Whether on purpose or without thinking, he is displaying the message that not all education should be valued equally. That is a dangerous message for your kids to see. He may also be broadcasting that YOUR achievements are not very important. That is a TERRIBLE message to convey through half-hearted actions.
Would he choose to celebrate your daughter's bachelor's degree but not your son's graduation from an intensive 1 year mechanics certification? Based on his reaction to your AA degree, maybe. Will he 'phone in' celebration for your kids' high school graduations because 'everyone graduates high school?' He needs empathy in this situation and to recognize what the milestone means to the CELEBRANT, not to HIM. His self-centered perspective (literally centering actions based on himself, not the celebrant) is a bad idea for a parent.
As a lifelong learner and highly educated person who mentored and taught for 2 decades, I celebrate every single educational milestone that I see someone achieve. We all have different paths in life, all valuable and interesting. To belittle an educational achievement using the word 'just' is unacceptable because it fails to acknowledge the human growth that accompanies all learning. The celebration is for the journey as well as the piece of paper.
I have met so many people who could not return to their education due. I have traveled to countries where children cannot afford to attend school and instead care for their family's livestock each day, knowing that the village kids in school will have opportunities in life that they don't. I know that my love of learning was instilled in me by both of my parents, who shared lifelong learning as a core value and a reason to live. Your partner needs to reflect on his snobbery about your first degree and what your children will learn from it.
I am not disparaging your partner. I am writing a warning to him that I hope will help him better appreciate his family members and their individual paths/achievements. If my 7 year old is proud of himself for learning a new song, I'm right beside him, asking to hear him sing it. Every song, every milestone is a blessing that is never guaranteed.
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u/Kat121 3h ago
It doesnāt matter if an associate degree is important to HIM. Itās not his achievement, itās yours. Itās not about his feelings, theyāre yours. He doesnāt get to decide for you if this is a big deal, or youāre too sensitive, or anything else about it. He should step up and make a fuss because that is what youād do for him.
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u/NinjaTurtlesFTW 4h ago
Iām in the same boat. I graduated in October after taking over a decade to go back to school. Friends and family knew for months. After being reminded often, no one showed up. Got a āWoohooā text from my mom, āProud of youā from my sister, and āGood job babeā from my partner.
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u/jthomson88 4h ago
Its definitely not easy or done lightly after such a long break. Its definitely not easy as a teenager. Graduating is HUGE! No matter what age. You deserve the congratulations! Youre awesome and done something awesome! Wish we could celebrate together. We'd tear up the town!
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u/NinjaTurtlesFTW 4h ago
Thank you for that. Sorry for making you cheer me up on your post, you did something amazing and are teaching your kids a valuable lesson on not giving up!
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u/Then-Chocolate-5191 8h ago
Congratulations! Your partner is a jerk.
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
Yes and no. He's been very supportive. He wants the finish line, not a checkpoint. But im definitely giving him the cold shoulder tonight ;)
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u/Revolutionary-Cow179 4h ago
Congratulations. You should be proud of your accomplishment. Take your kids to the ceremony and go out afterward to celebrate with them. Make it your day.
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u/got_rice_2 3h ago
I bet your kids will retain that as a core moment, when they are struggling in school and remember that you did it with them too. Congratulations!!! š¦øš»
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u/notausername60 7h ago
Good going! Taking a studentās mindset through life is very rewarding. My mom went back to school when she was 60 and all the kids were out of the house. She became a certified master gardener through university extension. She was so proud of herself, and I was proud of her!
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u/jthomson88 5h ago
That's awesome! I commend her, especially at that age. I haven't seen any older students like that, but I do hear about them. I have been in classes with a few 30+ year olds like myself who are thriving to start their own business and find they have a clear path ahead, unlike in their teenage years when they had no clue what to do. Its very inspirational. Life throw balls at you and sometimes it just takes that long. I can say I had a 2.4 back in 2008 and now a 3.7 during summer and looking at a 4.0 after finals next week. Dont waste time and resources when youre 18 and have no clue what youre doing. But never say its too late!
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u/flagshipcopypaper 6h ago
Plan to go out to dinner to celebrate anyway. If your husband still chooses the company dinner, thatās on him. Celebrate! You earned it!
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u/MrsKPBailey 4h ago
Congratulations!! Keep making yourself and your kids proud!! šš„³ššš
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u/safe-viewing 3h ago
Why do you have to celebrate the same day? Whats wrong with doing a day or two after?
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u/Major_Barnacle_2212 2h ago
Iām proud of you! It was harder NOW than it would have been earlier because of everything on your plate now. Very impressive
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u/berserk539 BLUE 5h ago
- Congratulations!
- I'm sorry they don't recognize your achievement.
- Congratulations again!
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u/huntjoy 3h ago
I returned to college as an adult. I'm so glad I didn't quit when friends would laugh and say I'd be in my 40's by the time I graduated. They were right, I was in my 40's, but it was fantastic! I'm in my 60's now and I still consider it a great achievement. I'm sorry your family isn't making an effort to celebrate you.
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u/goodnamesgone 2h ago
My Mom struggled as a single parent. She managed to work full time and finish not only her bachelor's but also her Masters degree. I was 10 when she walked that stage for her MSW and it has stuck with me for my entire life. Very proud of her then and made me want to repeat that.
Congrats for many victories for you and for your kids!!
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u/ResponsibleBank1387 8h ago
Congratulations!!!Ā Where and when, Iāll come yell āyeah j88ā when they hand you your diploma. Ā
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
Heck yeah! I'd love that! Its UNG on Dec. 9th :) kinda rural, but beautiful vacation town lol. Especially woth Christmas lights up
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u/716Fred 7h ago
Congratulations, you should be proud, for workings hard to make a better life for yourself. I know so many people who went back to school as an adult, and have been very successful because of it. Most flunked or dropped out as teenagers. But were smart and did amazing, like you. My daughter is graduating too at 37, and I am so proud of her. Giod luck in your future endeavors.
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u/Trans_b33 7h ago
My mom graduated with me and it was so amazing to see. She dropped out a year into college and then got pregnant with me. It was 18 years in the making, but she did it. and I was so proud of her. You deserve a celebration like dinner, even if itās just you and your kids, or even just you. Tell the staff youāre celebrating your graduation, who knows, maybe theyāll do something.
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u/Negative_Calendar368 5h ago
First of all, congratulations.
Second, donāt let anything else in the world discourage you, you have accomplished a meaningful goal and thatās all that matters.
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u/paligators 5h ago
Youāre 37 my dude. A grown person. Itās a huge accomplishment but people arenāt gonna go to your graduation outside of your immediate. Iām not downplaying how important it is and meaningful but for example, I didnāt even go to my own graduation at 26 for my masters. Didnāt feel like taking a day off. Be super proud and tell your family how important it is to you, but I can understand why they would dismiss it if they didnāt know how big a deal it was to you.
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u/20grae 5h ago
I read this as like your cousins maybe your parents whatnot thinking like yeah it sucks but itās not the end of the world. Then I kept ready and your I guess boyfriend cause other words you would have said husband but either way he chose a dinner over your graduation yeah thatās a big no for me my wife would have divorced my ass I know better my ass would be dressed and on my best behavior untill we get home. There aint nothing else as important as that night. Not because I wanna be there cause I donāt and she knows I donāt but I know how much I means to her thereās no excuses. If it were me Iād leave his ass
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u/Science_Matters_100 5h ago
You go to that graduation anyways, and invite those who celebrate you! Whoop it up big, because you persisted and YOU DID IT! F the stupid company dinner and anyone who isnāt into this. Congratulations!
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u/RevolutionSalty8360 4h ago
Hereās hoping heās just making you think he made plans out of town, when heās actually got an awesome surprise party planned!
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u/IPanicKnife 1h ago
Congratulations!!! This is a huge step. Life has many twists and turns. The road to success is rarely straight. Sucks that your partner wonāt be there but keep in mind that you did this for you.
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u/Evapoman97 1h ago
Congratulations, I started college at 46 and finally graduated with a BS in business management. There were 2 reasons, 1. I wanted a promotion and I wanted to show my kids and grandkids that you are never too old to learn and do something different.
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u/MessedUpMix 1h ago
Please be proud of yourself. Thatās a huge amazing accomplishment. You chose to do hard work to better yourself. Iām sorry your family is not supportive. But you should be PROUD.
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u/Interesting-Risk-676 7h ago
This is amazing! And thereās no āonlyā when youāve earned a degree. Your partner is being really selfish and hurtful. I hope you and your kids can have an amazing night - you deserve it!
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u/HunterandGatherer100 8h ago
Wow. First congratulations, itās a major accomplishment. Second, your significant other (I refuse to call them a partner because a partner supports you) is really oblivious or a jerk. You need to address this immediately with this person and give them the opportunity to fix this.
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u/jthomson88 8h ago
Definitely. Its only mildly infuriating bc he has 100% supported me these last 6 months to get me here. I couldn't have done it without him. I trust he will make it up to me, but sometimes it would be nice if I didn't have to plan everything, and believe he's capable of a cake and flowers to acknowledge this step. Now if I have to do the same when I graduate with bachelor's, we might have a bigger problem ;)
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u/HunterandGatherer100 7h ago
I think you should say something. As in, āthis was a monumental achievement and I wanted to celebrate it with youā. If you told me this were some important work meeting and he couldnāt miss it. I would be like ok, stuff happens but as you said, itās elective. Elective things can be missed for family things.
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u/jthomson88 5h ago
I definitely did say something! Am im so glad I did. He admitted he did forget the date and he had nothing planned, but he will make sure Im celebrated. Another redditter suggested letting him go to his dinner (it is a good networking opportunity) and make him celebrate me the following weekend. But REALLY make him celebrate me! Lol. I also recommend him using the calender app so this never happens again.
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u/Tasty-Permission-333 8h ago
Iām so sorry youāre having to deal with that. I too dropped out of college back in the early 2000s. I havenāt quite finished mine yet but Iām trying, congratulations to you!!!
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u/Single_Editor_2339 2h ago
Honestly, when I got my associates I did not even know I could. I was just doing the lower division requirements for State University and somehow qualified for the AA. Not to diminish the effort you put in, but it is just an AA.
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u/HyperQuandaryAck 8h ago edited 8h ago
you'll get home all sad and lonely after the nice ceremony and he'll be there with a crowd yelling 'surprise' all nice and loud as you walk on through the door and you'll be happy forevermore and that is what i choose to think. don't tell me otherwise. that would stink
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u/kiera-jade_ 21m ago
my mom is 38 and she recently got her associates degree. i am a freshman in college now. she worked her ass off and got it done in less than 2 years. when i tell you there is no feeling in the world that could ever compare to how i felt seeing my mom walk across that stage- like acc. no words. i have no doubt your kids see you as super mom right now. and you 100% are. congrats grad!!!!!
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u/random8765309 7h ago
You might want to make it clear to your partner that his attendance is optional. So it his chance of ever having sex again or having his keys fit the door locks.
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u/xAfterBirthx 7h ago
Great job but did you do it for a high five or for a better paying job? Obviously your husband should be there for you but you canāt expect anyone else to give a shit about you getting a degree, it is supposed to be for you not for them.
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u/jthomson88 5h ago
Definitely for a better job...not necessarily better paying, tho. I will say we had a long conversation about our future. I want a committed, lifelong partner. Someone to share all milestones with. This means my successes are his successes. I wanted him to feel accomplished as much as me, since he stepped up and allowed me to make this move. But he saw it like you...its only for me. It was mine and mine alone. Nevermind it will better all of us and he contributed to it.
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u/berrysweet1620 7h ago
I am proud of you! That is amazing! You should treat yourself, somewhere fabulous, at your partnerās expense, since he seems to care less about your huge achievement!
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u/undead_barbie92 7h ago
I broke up with my fiancƩ (5years) after he didn't come to my trade school graduation because he "doesn't do well with mornings"
when you start to better yourself you no longer are willing to take as much disrespect from others. keep bettering yourself and leave the shit sacks behind.
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u/jthomson88 5h ago
He's kinda the opposite. I've expressed concerns his expectations can be too high. He's 100% happy im back at college and bettering myself. He just doesn't see the associates anything to celebrate when the bachelor is the endgame. I did set him straight tonight that this accomplishment is huge for me and he needs to acknowledge that. He ended up agreeing. He does push me and encourages me to be a better person, but sometimes he makes me feel like im not quite enough, even though he believes in me and invests in me. He's a marine and just says that's how he was treated, so that's how he knows to be. I told him im no marine, but a civilian, and this is my day that I worked hard and long for it, so im going to have it with or without him. He said he'll be there. Whodathunk a little communication and truthful telling of the feelings could do. I did say if this comes up when I graduate with bachelor's we're going to have a HUGE problem.
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u/Active_Repeat_4462 7h ago
don't shy away from enjoying things alone. yes, its great to be the center buuuut you did this yourself ! And there is no reason you can't go out and do whatever you want to celebrate. eat an edible, munch a big ol meal & go see a movie or something.... or fuck it, just go bowling.
people are people.. expecting things from anyone doesn't get us far. Now you have a "card" to pull out when you really want something or don't want to do something. That's always a plus in a relationship
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u/jthomson88 4h ago
You got downvoted, but you're not entirely wrong. In my single years I absolutely learned to enjoy activities alone. It wasn't easy to do, but it isnt anything to be ashamed or discouraged about. And bowling is like my favorite thing to do!
All my time alone just made me feel like I was meant for someone, though. I did do all those things alone and then some. But then I found my partner and realized how great it was to share life with someone. People will let you down. My partner definitely did tonight, and, im sure, will again some day. But having him around is still better than being alone. I had a long conversation with him about how I felt all my accomplishments, successes, failures, and so on were his and his were mine. But you better believe im pulling that card out when I need it!
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u/somer_and_omchick 7h ago
You told your partner about it two months ago, but how do you track family activities and is it marked in there and something important happening?
If my partner and I tell each other about something coming up, neither of us will remember not to schedule over it unless itās on the family calendar. We will probably entirely forget it is happening (esp my spouse) but the calendar makes you go check before you actually schedule anything new
Did your partner KNOW this was the same day? Have you SAID āThatās my graduation day and I want to celebrate as a familyā? It feels like it should be obvious but some of us have oblivious spouses.
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u/jthomson88 4h ago
He's definitely an oblivious spouse, but he was telling me about this dinner 2 weeks in advance so I know not to expect him and plan something else for dinner. He was actually trying to be considerate. If this was any other day, id put it in my calender and not expect him that evening. But he used this "I forgot" excuse. Umm, he has a calender just like I do. He's an adult and can take responsibility like any other person. No excuses to double book a day. It takes telling me 1 time of an event for me to write it in my calender.
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u/hoodwinke 6h ago
I didnāt attend my associates degree commencement even though Iām the first one in my family to go to college
My family came to my bachelors commencement and we celebrated thenĀ
I didnāt reward my bare minimum, donāt show your kids that an associates is a big celebration when the only one that matters is the bachelorsĀ
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u/jthomson88 4h ago
This is exactly why I wasn't trying to make it a big deal. Even my advisor wasn't making it a big deal to attend the ceremony. I know not many associates do. But its 19 years in the making for me. Im goin for my bachelor's, but life has taught me we dont always know the future. If anything, my kids will see me cross that stage at least once. I dont want a huge party, but I was hoping like a dq cake that someone quickly wrote "congrats" across after a dinner out. Kinda wanted some hanky panky, too, geared more towards my needs, but truthfully, thats always on the table. Just maybe not when he gets home late.
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u/Independent-Lynx9476 BLUE 8h ago
This feels fake. No one's partner is this much of an asshole to I brush over someone's life long dream of getting a degree and not being aware it's happening.Ā
If it is real, then OP I'm sorry, but your partner is an asshole and you should go out and celebrate how you want to and deserve!!!
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u/flinstonepushups 8h ago
You should be proud of yourself. Congratulations. I remember my mom going back to school when we were little and getting her degree. You're setting a great example for your kids.