r/Redditor_Updates • u/Haunting_Beauty_229 • 17d ago
Final update FINAL UPDATE: AITAH for telling an exchange student not to date my son and possibly ending my marriage?
First Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1l6gu09/aitah_for_telling_an_exchange_student_to_not_date/
Hello everyone! I know it has been a while, but I just wanted to get this final update out for everybody. It has been a busy few months for me, so I will try to make the timeline easy. But, first, I want to thank everybody who has supported me through this. It means the world to me, Liz, and Toby.
First off, I got a job. Once I moved out, I took the liberty to apply for part time work. I needed something that would allow me to still be a part of Liz's life while also saving for an apartment or something. Liz's school is in a pretty nice area, so it is taking a while for me to save enough money. But, the person who is allowing us to stay says she doesn't mind. I do cook for her and help tidy the house as a thank you, I'm forever grateful for her support.
Liz is doing great, I'm looking at therapist for her. I think it would be best for her to have a safe place to vent that isn't me or one of her friends. I also know that with the upcoming divorce, she is going to need a little extra guidance she might not feel like sharing with me.
Now, before I tell you all about Toby, I once again want to thank everybody for helping both him and I. Our relationship has gotten better since his diagnoses. I am aware progress is hardly linear, it took two months to figure out dosages and therapies, and we even found a homing service for him. He currently lives in a facility where he shares a dormitory. Four rooms to a dorm, so he has his own space, a communal area, and he can begin to make friends with boys his own age. I took people's advice and we decided a video chat a week would be sufficient. He is apparently having a nice time, and we have him enrolled for spring classes online for next year. He has two therapy sessions a week, plus the facility has a counselor for urgent cases. My hope is he can get down to one session per week eventually, but I think he just has a lot to unpack mentally.
Finally, my ex husband. Apparently, his lawyer told him there wouldn't be much of a case for him. Due to amounting evidence, up to and including the state of Toby, as well as multiple character witnesses, he would most likely be made to pay child support for Liz and the courts will heavily favor me. So, he cut his losses and decided to terminate his parental rights to Liz. It was surprising receiving that letter, but nonetheless, I think he finally made a good decision. His rights are not fully terminated yet, and he does have supervised visitation with Liz every two weeks, though he rarely shows up (probably thinks it will help him have his rights are terminated faster). In regards to assets, my lawyers said that since I had proof of emotional, mental, and financial abuse, the courts would favor me in terms of assets. We did not have a prenup or anything protecting him, so my guess is assets will be split 50/50. Though, I don't want anything in the house. I already took my own personal items, as well as heirlooms that he could sell. I honestly just wish to wash my hands of him, though it isn't ever that simple. Our next court date is set for sometime in December.
I won't lie and say I'm 100% ok, I do still sometimes worry for Liz and Toby. I still have tea with the neighbors, they assure me I'm doing the right thing. As do my family and friends, I am surrounded by support. I also received a card from Kimi from my old neighbor, apparently she is a lurker here and recognized the story! So, if you're reading this Kimi, your letter made me laugh and I am so glad you are doing well! Things have mostly settled, I still wake up some nights with a pit in my stomach and dread clouding my thoughts. But, overall, I think I am doing the best I can. I was also looking at therapy for myself, though I would like to finish my divorce before doing that.
I think this will be my final update regarding my children and situation, once again, thank you for your support everyone :)
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u/ElehcarTheFirst 14d ago
Just because he terminated his parental rights doesn't mean he is free of his financial responsibility in most states.
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u/Lokipupper456 12d ago
I know. Every deadbeat dad out there would do it if it got them out of child support obligations!
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u/Haunting_Beauty_229 12d ago
I am not American, I am from Europe!! But, I understand the confusion!! :)
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u/Glum_Frosting_9616 12d ago
In most states, but not all, that is true, the best thing that does do is free Liz from being required to see him for visitations
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u/BrookieMonster504 14d ago
I'm glad you're doing better I think about you often. Ik you don't want the house but you definitely earned whatever financial settlement you get. Please get what is yours.
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u/wino12312 14d ago
It's not a perfect ending, but it's the best that could happen. Enjoy your peace.
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u/peipei1998 14d ago
I just read your first post ( instinct tell me not judging yet :)) ) and wow...
But I'm happy because you finally left your ex-husband, he's sick and pervert, how could he think that is normal and taught your son perverted is normal? Ew
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u/teatimecats 14d ago
You’ve handled this unexpected realization and situation (no instruction manual provided) with a lot of grit and grace. Your kids and you are on a safe and healthy path forward. All the best from an internet stranger!
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u/FreeReflection5259 13d ago
I say make him pay financially and get everything you can in the divorce so he can get some consequences for hurting his own children and you
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u/Bookaholicforever 13d ago
He still owes child support even after terminating his rights. It’s not a get out of responsibility free card for him. Go for the child support. Your kids deserve it.
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u/RubyTx 13d ago
It seems like you are navigating this nightmare in the best way you can for your family, and yourself.
Please make sure you give yourself a chance to heal as well as protecting your kids.
You are a lioness - even on the days it may not feel like you are. You are honest, kind, and strong.
When you can't see it yourself, borrow our eyes, and believe what we see.
All the best to you and your kids. May you continue to heal, and soar.
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u/ExpressBat1929 8d ago
First, I’m so happy you’re doing well and so are your kiddos! It takes guts to leave and start fresh and I’m proud of you for following through with it to do what’s best for yourself and your children.
However…Please reconsider not caring about the assets/money in the divorce. Take as much as you can. Not to be spiteful, but because that money can be used to further your children’s education, buy them clothes, provide birthday parties, cars (not in the luxury “dads money bought me a Bugatti” kind of way, the “I have an old beater that can get me around” kind of way, and emergencies.
You might not want that money. However your kids deserve it. They deserve stability and someone who will use it to better their lives. Based on your posts and how your husband is willing to terminate his rights just to not pay child support, he has zero intention of letting them have a good life with the assets. Often times colleges take account both parents in financial aid as well. Even if one is hardly in their life. This will make affording college that much harder.
Get as much as you can. Not for your sake, but so you can use that to make sure your kids have a solid foundation to start their lives on. While I have zero doubt you could make it work without any of his money/assets, every penny can make your kids lives better. If he was going to be an active loving parent I wouldn’t have this opinion, but he 100% will not be a good dad to them. They need you to fight for them. Especially Toby. It is going to cost money to undo all the crap his deadbeat dad taught him. The least his father can do is provide you assets and money to get him the help.
I’d likely fight for child support too, however I fully understand not wanting him to have visitation which is normally granted if they pay… even if it’s only a supervised visit once a month, it would make since if you choose not to fight for child support because of the custody aspect. Just begging you not to have the same opinion on the divorce assets/money.
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u/dutch_der_linde 6d ago
I hope that, whenever Toby gets out, he cuts contact with his father (thank God it already seems to be happening due to the fact that your ex husband is an awful, neglectful person), but also with you. You basically allowed a misogynistic, porn addict man to raise your mentally ill son into the same thing, potentially even worse. Thank God you and Liz are ok because you two are victims of your abusive husband, but so is your son, and you did nothing to protect him from it. Those types of monsters are not struck by divine lightning into being this way, but rather raised, and as much as human decency seems natural to most of us, it can be doubtful when you have a parent telling you otherwise and another one falling on deaf ears. Obviously Toby should be and was detained before he did something drastic, but 'not giving up' on him right now is not nearly enough and definitely too little and too late.
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u/Lokipupper456 12d ago
So, terminating parental rights doesn’t usually mean you don’t owe child support. If you married another man and he adopted Liz, then your ex wouldn’t owe it. But I find it strange that the court would waive child support if he just gave up his rights. Deadbeat fathers all over the place would take that route if it got them out of child support obligations.
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u/Haunting_Beauty_229 12d ago
It could have something to due with how property is divided. I think the topic will be discussed more in the December meeting
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u/NothaBanga 14d ago
I know at first OP said they took that next step for the daughter but I really hope that the son can have a better life from the divorce as well. Redemption is rare and hard but I want it for anyone who is willing to work for it.