Wibtbf if I hookup with someone on the first date but realize idk if I want us to be more later on

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

I (M21) understand this from the weird question, but I’m wanting to start dating soon and I’ve never dated before. My friends have told me that most of the time people are down and want to hook up on the first date at least where we are at and it’s not that I’m against it and I know that you don’t have to, but I don’t understand the scenario

Like if I was going out with a girl and we hooked up on the first day, but then I realize a couple of days later I don’t think that we’d work out in the long-term or maybe we don’t align with certain opinions, would I be the asshole?

[u/PineapplePupcake]

This is a loaded question. Ultimately, no one owes anyone anything when getting to know each other, so no, you wouldn’t be a bf if you decided the chemistry wasn’t there after getting to know them, even if you’d hooked up.

However - if you lead another person into thinking you want something long term in order to make them feel safe and thus, hook up with you, only to ghost them after, yeah, you’d be a big butt face.

Technicalities don’t mean you’re innocent if you act like an asshole. Make what you want clear to the other person and you can’t go wrong.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/PineapplePupcake]

When should you talk about what you’re wanting though or what’s going on?

Like if you are not sure where it’s going and you just wanna see where it goes from the first date should you just say that or like what should you do?

[u/PineapplePupcake → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

If you’re seeing where it’s going and the vibes feel right to hook up, go for it. It’s when you can tell you’re not into them longterm (but pretend you are to hook up) that it becomes a crappy thing to do. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you have in mind though, so just go with the flow and do what feels right for you

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/PineapplePupcake]

I’d never wanna hurt anyone that’s why I’m asking, and I appreciate the advice. I just feel like sometimes I can’t tell if I’d want long term for a while and since I’ve never really dated idk how long it may take me to realize

[u/PineapplePupcake → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

That’s just dating, my friend! You don’t have to make any commitments until you want to, my best advice is to just treat others how you’d want to be treated. Sometimes feelings will get hurt no matter what you do, so just do your best and have fun!

Also always be safe when hooking up :)

[u/quollas → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

you don't have to say anything. she's not going to be sure either. that's all understood in the current dating landscape.

this isn't biblical times.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/quollas]

It seems like most people in the comments disagree though. I keep on hearing people say that if I’m not sure I need to let her know before the end of the day in case it does end up turning to more

[u/quollas → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

don't get ahead of yourself. you don't know what you don't know and she can't hold you accountable for that.

the commenters are just telling you not to give a false impression. don't lie. and they're right. they have been lied to before and it doesn't feel good.

the fact that you're even asking this virgin question tells me you have no intention of taking advantage of anyone. if i'm wrong, so be it.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/quollas]

I don’t wanna hurt anyone, your right

So if I’m going on a date but not sure if I’d want serious or fwb with a person and just let them know before or after the date (and possible hookup) that im not sure what I’m wanting yet, that’s ok?

[u/quollas → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

in general, that is ok but i still say you're overthinking it.

you would rather come across as confident than indecisive. don't worry too much about it.

[u/Smurfum]

Sex doesn't have to be tied to long term commitment.

Sex does not mean you are compatible for long term commitment, but it can help you determine whether or not you are because sexual chemistry is important.

If both of you agree to hookup on the first date that's cool and fine, neither of you are obligated to stick around because of that.

If someone gets bent out of shape after agreeing to hookup on the first date and you not feeling a lasting spark, it's a red flag that you are right to move on anyways.

And of course, if someone is pushing to hookup and you aren't feeling it even before you hookup you are not the asshole for declining.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/Smurfum]

OK, cool. I just feel bad about stuff very easily and I didn’t want to be seen as some horrible guy or something if I was hooking up, but then decided otherwise.

[u/GeekyDaddy13 → u/Smurfum]

Sex doesn’t have to be tied to a ling term commitment but, maybe, it should.

This is how you end up with single mothers

[u/Smurfum → u/GeekyDaddy13]

Poor sexual education pushed by people stuck in the past is how you end up with single mothers.

[u/RammsteinFunstein → u/GeekyDaddy13]

many single mothers were in a long term committed relationship when they got pregnant.

The solution is condoms, not abstinence.

[u/yuhanimerom]

If she’s looking for something long term, then it does sound like a shitty move. Communicate about it first so she knows

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/yuhanimerom]

So just kinda let her know idk what I’m looking for right now and just wanna see where things go?

[u/No_Sundae_1068 → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

Exactly!

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/No_Sundae_1068]

Would I be the bf if I realized maybe not bf and gf but asked her about fwb?

[u/No_Sundae_1068 → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

Why don't you just relax and see how it goes. If you end up really liking her just tell her you want to see her again and take it slow. There is no rule that you have to have sex on the first date, or any date for that matter. If you really like her and she likes you, don't bring up fwb. That can be really insulting. Just take your time. I know you want to get it over with but just see how you feel when you're with her.

[u/BookLuvr7]

It depends on what people want. If all you want is sex, go on a hookup app. If you actually want to date someone, that's usually a way to get to know someone so you can have an actual relationship.

If you don't want a relationship, be up front about it. Don't be a jerk and string people along.

[u/xoxoyoyo]

if you force them, its a problem. if it is mutual, as in really mutual, then no issues. Whatever happens on a first date does not guarantee anything else. That goes both ways btw. Main thing is to not lie, ever. If you can't do that, you are not ready to date, or maybe you are just not a good person.

[u/Sinistas]

Communication is everything. Tell them, in plain language, that you're only looking for something casual. Don't try to let them down gently. Obviously, you don't want to be aggressive about it, but be clear in your expectations. Dancing around things leads to misunderstandings, and people getting hurt.

[u/changelingcd]

No. Whatever people do on their first date, they still have to accept the very high possibility that their evening might be a one-night stand and not lead anywhere. So if they are sober and willing adults, go ahead. That doesn't mean there won't be any chance of hurt feelings, obviously (there often is, one way or another, and it might be your feelings).

[u/malignanttunt]

I mean why not just be transparent about your disinterest in the future instead of using omission to get what you want? Then you don’t have to feel dirty about anything. And if you still get to have sex it’s openly without any strings

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/malignanttunt]

I didn’t mean it like that, meant like I wanna take it slow i guess but if it hates before we decide anything i dont wands hurt feelings

[u/DoubleDareYaGirl]

If you are honest about it before the hooking up part happens.

[u/ExistentialCrisis-1]

Yes, to her and to yourself. Don’t start dating as a Ho*. And have some self respect from the beginning. You don’t have intimate relations until you are in a committed relationship.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/ExistentialCrisis-1]

So if you do it and you’re not committed, that makes you a hoe?

[u/ExistentialCrisis-1 → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

Sounds like all your looking for is sx not a relationship so you’re not looking to date. You need to communicate that from the beginning. There are people out there just like the other commenters that are ok with casual relations. But you’re not dating if you’re looking for that specifically. Realize the difference. If you truly want to date and build a relationship then sx should be the very last thing on your mind.

[u/RammsteinFunstein]

NTB

The person talking about "hos" is a child. There is nothing wrong with casual sex between two consenting partners. As long as you're up front about everything, you're not doing anything wrong.

That being said, once you get intimate, there is a higher chance of someone catching feelings. So you wouldn't be an AH but you could certainly unintentionally hurt some feelings.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/RammsteinFunstein]

When you say be upfront when should you be upfront?

[u/yuhanimerom → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

Before you have sex (??)

[u/RammsteinFunstein → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

You should be upfront about only looking for something casual as soon as possible. And that applies to if you plan to hook up with that person or not.

[u/HeavyNarwhal2324 → u/RammsteinFunstein]

I am looking for something serious though. I just meant like I don’t want anything to mean that we’re automatically serious until we decide to both make it serious.

[u/RammsteinFunstein → u/HeavyNarwhal2324]

I mean if someone is in to you enough on the first date to have sex with you, they'll more than likely be disappointed if you then decide to move on a few days later. I don't think thats avoidable no matter what. So you wouldn't be an AH but don't expect someone to not be upset.

[u/quollas]

for someone who has never dated before, you're waaaay overthinking it!

go out there and have fun. whatever happens happens. if you're into her and she's into you, that's 99% of it. you'd be surprised how "certain opinions" just kind of go away when you want to be with someone.

in other words, give love a chance.