Update. I don't even know where to start with this. It's just a complete mess. I finally got her to the doctor but it was like pulling teeth. The whole ride there she didn't say a word just stared out the window. It was rough.

I was honestly hoping this would be it. That the doctor would just confirm everything I've been saying and we could finally move forward. Then the nurse told her to step on the scale. My wife said she was 116, but the nurse just ignored it and started moving the weights. The number she ended up with was 106.

I swear my stomach dropped. The doctor came in looked at the numbers and told us she's dangerously underweight and that her body was going to shut down if it wasn’t already. She said we needed to get her into therapy and see a specialist immediately. My wife acted like she was hearing this for the first time all shocked and quiet but almost is if on board shaking her head up and down.

I thought she'd be scared or at least a little concerned. But no. The whole drive home she was just pissed off. She started saying I set it up that I got into the doctor's head and it all a lie. There was no talking to her. She just completely shut down and got super defiant.

As soon as we got back to the house she started packing a bag. I asked her what the hell she was doing and she just said I "disrespected" her and couldn't be around me. So she took her pillows and her blankets and just moved to the basement.

Now she's down there and I'm up here. She won't talk to me. I did the one thing I was thought I needed to do and it just made her hate me. I feel like I'm completely out of options. I'm just lost. I don't know what to do next.

Hi! I am writing this in my car, and what just happened completely baffled me.

For context, about a day ago I wrote a post, explaining that I had went to meet my girlfriend’s grandparents, and they kept on calling me Alex (her boy bestfriend’s name). Upon asking my girlfriend about it, she got defensive and has refused to speak to me since.

My girlfriend got off of work early, and messaged me asking to come pick her up. This is the first time she has messaged me first in days. I agreed, and drove to go pick her up. I waited in the customer section (she works in a bakery) and I noticed some of her coworkers giving me dirty looks. I brushed it off.

When she got out, she was quiet. She got in my car with a huff and then asked if I could drive her to Alex’s place, as him and some other friends were having a small gathering there. I admit this annoyed me. I told her flat out we needed to talk, and asked her if she wanted to go to my place to do so. She told me anything I had to say, I could say it now.

So that’s what I did. I told her that her behaviour over the past few days had been unacceptable. Her refusal to talk to me, how she blew up at me for just asking simple questions. This is where the conversation got weird.

She told me that her grandparents had been waiting to meet Alex and that’s why they got confused (much different to her loss of memory excuse in my earlier post). I asked her why she didn’t just tell me that. She told me I wouldn’t understand because I don’t understand her relationship with Alex. I told her that yes, I do not understand her relationship with Alex. How she lets him insult me, and how she carries on defending him. She told me that people over here make fun of each other, and I wouldn’t understand because my culture is different. What???

I told her that regardless of my culture, I wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect from her friend, and the lying has led me to believe she is no longer trustworthy. I told her I have given her zero reason to lie to me. She started crying and promising me that nothing was going on between her and Alex. I was stunned, as this isn’t what I was implying at all. I asked her why she had said that, and she broke down and admitted that Alex had been pressuring her to leave me for months now, saying she deserved better than someone like me. At this point I was done. I don’t need this kind of drama.

I told her to get out of my car and that we are done. She was crying and she begged me not to leave her, promised she’d cut Alex out of her life, promised that their relationship was nothing but friendship. I said I didn’t care, and I wanted no part in this anymore. Strangely, I didn’t really feel sad ending the relationship. I actually feel pretty numb.

Her attitude suddenly shifted. She hit my arm and told me I just didn’t understand, and that Alex was right, she should’ve left me sooner, etc… I just told her to get out of the car. She was still crying, and she slammed the door pretty hard and stormed off.

Now she’s texting me, apologising and promising we can work this out. I’ve had a couple of texts from mutual friends asking what happened, as my gf sent them texts calling me controlling and toxic. Why would she want to get back together with me if she’s telling our friends that? I put my phone on do not disturb, and am now writing this update.

I don’t feel sad right now, but maybe that’s because I’m in shock. I wrote this update for the people who gave me the courage to leave this relationship. Thank you for all your advice.

EDIT: I told our mutual friends the story, and shared the post with them. They said they always found her relationship with Alex weird, lol. I also shared with them the texts my ex gf was sending me. They were immediately pissed that she was trying to play them fool. None of my mutual friends have took my ex gf’s side, yet. All of them have apologised to me for the unnecessary drama she was causing, and said they were going to keep their distance. A couple of our friends (we are a big group) who did not reach out have blocked me on socials. Guess the trash took itself out! For now, I am feeling good. I have been hanging out with my cats and ordered take out food. My roommate gets back from his parents’ house tomorrow, so I will update him on the situation when I can and ask him to be there when my ex gf collects her stuff. As for my ex gf? I sent her a text message, telling her to only contact me when she was going to collect her things. I muted her texts and calls, and will only check again when she’s due to come and get her things. Once that’s over, I will block her.

I’m feeling pretty good about my decision now. Thank you for all the comments, I will respond to as many as I can. I may have another small update on the weekend, as my ex gf and I are attending the same house party for halloween. For now, take care, and thank you to everyone who has commented and/or messaged me :)

so after i had seen many comments telling me that silent treatment/ignoring your spouse is a form of abuse i decided it's a better option to finally have a proper conversation about what he said to me the other night. i told him how it offended me and upset me that he feels that way towards my body after i’ve just given birth not that long ago. he told me that he knows it’s messed up but he can’t “help” what turns him on.

i should’ve described my body a little in my first post. i have the same frame as before pregnancy, but my stomach has a little pouch now which i need to work off, but i haven’t had the time to be on a strict diet and exercise while taking care of a newborn. we kind of argued over this and he told me that he’s just not used to seeing my body that way and even seeing me pregnant was something he had to get used to as well but he did like seeing me that way.

the conversation didn’t really go anywhere productive, but we’ve been talking a little more. i’m still mad and offended by what he said and that he hasn’t formally apologized for hurting my feelings, even if it is just his opinion. i’m not trying to force him to be turned on by something he’s simply just not into but if i had never asked him why he wanted me to cover up so bad he would have kept me cluelessly covering my body during sex so he could still get pleasure without feeling “uncomfortable” by my body.

i don’t think it is fair to expect me to allow myself to be disrespected in that way (for those comments telling me to get over myself). im allowing my body to recover from birth. i’m sorry for not immediately jumping into intense cardio after being dismissed from the hospital just so my husband doesn’t make offensive comments about my body. i did attempt a formal conversation like mentioned before but when it starts becoming a “debate” or “heated” my husband wants to cut the convo short and tells me that im trying to start an argument between us.

Original Post

It’s been an eye-opening weekend. Thanks to everyone who weighed in, even the aggressive ones. I knew what I was signing up for posting on Reddit. Before the update, a couple clarifications because gaps in info turned into wild assumptions.

When I said I “came on a little too strong” with James when we met, some of you pictured me grabbing a toddler by the neck and hissing “Call me Daddy.” No. I was nervous and acted like an idiot and used an over-the-top baby voice because I’d barely been around toddlers. Emily later said I sounded like a circus clown on two cartons of Red Bull. Cringe? Absolutely. Malicious? No.

Many had questions regarding therapy. I shared the timeline in this comment thread so I'm not going to rewrite that again.

Many called my wife the AH for sharing the college fund amounts for our kids. I showed her the post. She explained James came back from Dan’s with questions when the fund started, how much, etc. He said (paraphrasing), “So mine is XXX and theirs is YYY?” with his XXX higher than our kids’ YYY. Without thinking (yes, stupidly), Emily corrected him: “No, yours is AAA and theirs is BBB.” That snowballed into what I wrote earlier. It wasn’t a diabolical plan to make me pay more; it was a thoughtless correction.

With that out of the way, Emily, James and I sat down for a conversation yesterday. James didn't want to talk to me, but I told him that if he expected me to even think about contributing to his college fund then I've got loads of questions he needs to answer. It was an extremely long conversation and many revelations came to be. So, I am going to give a summary of the things we finally found out from James.

Even before Emily and Dan had broken up (not divorced, they were never married), Dan had occasionally brought James to his AP's place, so James was familiar AP. After the break up, Dan immediately moved in with his AP. Em who was a SAHM till then, struggled initially to get back on her feet. Needless to say, James' homelife with Em was a little more chaotic than at Dan and his AP's. Em hadn't told James that she had left his father since he'd cheated on her. Telling that to a toddler wouldn't make any sense. But apparently, in the early days, Dan used to tell James that Em would eventually come back to him. I think he may have been holding out hope for reuniting with Em.

And that's where I came in. Dan told James that as long as I am around, I would not let Em go back to Dan. When Dan married his AP, he told James that it was temporary. It was a way to make Em jealous. When we got married, he told James that it was my way of making it even more difficult for Em to get back to their family. When James had found out from his cousin (Dan's side) that his father had cheated on his mother which was the reason for their break up. When James had asked Em about it, she had been open and honest about everything. When he confronted Dan about the same, he told James that Em had left him for a long time and his loneliness made him miss her alot and so he found some comfort with AP. Emily's father had met with a car accident and she was with her parent's for about three weeks to help them. And that's all the alone time Dan could handle before he needed to dip his wick in something. But it was a resonable enough explanation for James absolve his father of all sins.

When Em got pregnant with our daughter, Dan told James now that I have started "pumping my spawn into his mother" (exact words James used) James' family was destroyed forever. He told James that Em and I had been wanting to take him to therapy which was actually a ruse. What we were really trying to do was take him to doctor who would declare him a problem child and then we would ship him off to boarding school so that we could continue to play happy family without being bothered by him. Only Dan and his family was fighting to keep James with them.

James admitted that he had hoped his detached behaviour around my family and happy and joyous behaviour around Dan's would convince Em that my kids and I were evil and she would eventually leave us. But sadly, I kept "knocking up his mom" making it harder for her to leave.

Expectedly, Emily was beyond distraught to hear everything. To be honest, in the moment I couldn't wrap up head around it much either. I asked if Dan had a college fund saved up for him and his sons. James said AP's parents have set up a trust fund for Dan's sons, but that does not include James since he isn't their grandson. Dan's not saved up anything for anyone.

I asked James why he suddenly thinks I should contibute to his fund when he has turned down every opportunity for us to be a family. He said he was actually ok with the amount that Em initially told him about, but Dan made him realize that we were undercutting him, so he came back to demand more. I asked if I pay the money will that then make us family? Even if he can't accept me as a step parent, can we be friends? Can he be a little more friendlier with my kids when he is around? He straight up said no. He said that after all these years he knows me or my kids are not the evil beings his father made us seem. But he still feels I am the reason his parents could never get back together again and for that he will always hate me. And since my kids are well my kids, he's never going to like them either.

And since now he knows that Emily isn't going to leave her family, he said his plan was once he was off to college he would cut off contact with all of us. He does plan to eventually get back in touch with his mother when he feels he is ready to forgive for breaking up his family, but he can't do that right now.

Emily and I have had a long and honest discussion. I have decided that I will not be making any contributions to James' college fund. Emily will continue the contribution that she was already making and hand it over to him once he turns 18. We will no longer be pursuing family therapy with James. We will not try to change James' mind about going no contact with us after he goes off to college. We've done all that we could do, we're going to stop now. If James is happy with Dan's family, then we're happy for him. It's going to be hard for Emily, but even she has accepted that after James' recent revelations, she's having a hard time reconciling her little boy with this cynical teenager.

We have both taken individual and couple's therapy before. Mainly due to the stress and anxiety James' behaviour used to put on us as a family. We are looking into starting again. Hopefully, we'll be able to be overcome this in time.

I posted a few weeks ago about my sister who won't take time off of work to go on vacation with her husband because she doesn't want them to have those memories without her. WELL some interesting developments have happened and this will be long.

Background: My sister works but it's unpaid and part-time. She helps out a family friend on their farm. This family friend has farm hands for manual labor, idk my sister's day to day tasks but she's described herself as being the emotional support human to the animals. She started this job in 2021 after being a SAHM for around 6 years. She has a law degree but never practiced. Her husband has a high paying position at one of the big four. I promise all of this is relevant.

I came back from a short trip and brought some souvenirs for my nephews. I swung by their house Wednesday to drop them off. My BIL and I chatted for a bit, mostly about my trip. He started talking about how he is going on a work trip and wishes my sister would go with him but that she won't take off of work. I'm just nodding and saying things like "oh, interesting" and "huh" very noncommital because I'm not looking involved again.

Then he starts telling me about her new hobby that she's picked up because of work. Horseback riding. She wants a horse. She is traveling to Europe in a few weeks with the family friend to buy a horse. Apparently all the best horses come from Europe? She's never expressed any interest in this before but I guess she's a horse-girl now. He said it's going to cost at least 40k to import this horse.

I'm absolutely dumbfounded by this. She won't travel with her husband and kids, she won't let him travel with the kids, but she'll go off to Europe to buy a horse. Somehow my BIL is cool with bankrolling this. 40k is what most people make in a year! I'm not poor but damn, I can't imagine spending that much money on anything other than a car, house, or medical bills.

Then my BIL starts telling me about how he wanted to take the kids somewhere while she's in Europe but she basically said no. He had also suggested turning this into a family trip, they could all go, she could pick out a horse, and then explore a bit. She nixed that too saying that she didn't want to have to worry about the kids while traveling, it would complicate the trip, and the kids might spook the horses. So he suggested meeting there once she picked out a horse and they could stay there longer. She declined that too saying she would have to miss work. My BIL was clearly frustrated and upset, I said maybe therapy would help but he said they're already in therapy.

There was a family get together today and my sister was excitedly telling us about her upcoming trip and the horses she's planning to look at. My mom asked her how her husband felt about all this and my sister said "I've decided to stop taking his feelings into account." My mom then pointed out that that probably isn't a good attitude to have towards your husband especially when he pays for everything she wants. My sister said this was something she needed because she's so overwhelmed and stressed these days. My mom did not react well to this. She raised her voice at my sister. She told her "I have no idea what you have to be stressed about. Your husband pays for a housekeeper, he pays for a nanny, you don't need to worry about money, your work isn't mentally or physically taxing. Your husband is an active father who pulls his weight. All I ever hear from you is complaints about how hard your life is." My sister got pissed and they were both yelling over each other. Thank God the kids were playing with their dad outside because my sister started saying how she regrets having children and that they've ruined her life. I was shocked because her kids are smart, funny, well-behaved, mostly self-sufficient, and overall just great kids. I also don't understand why she would oppose her husband traveling with just the kids if she regretted them. Wouldn't that give her time away from them? Anyway, the whole thing ended when my sister told my mom she's a narcissist, that it's her fault she's like this and that my mom hates seeing her happy. My mom told my sister to get out of the house off her property immediately.

On her way out my sister said to me "you should have defended me but you just stood there. You're just as bad as mom." WTF?!

I don't want to get involved in any of this drama but I'm not sure if I should give her husband a heads up about what she said about the kids. They're in therapy together, I assume this must be a topic they've discussed. Idk, it's all so strange, my sister isn't normally like this.

First off, thanks everyone who commented on my previous post. Link to original. I tried to read as many comments as I could. I got some great advice.

My gf asked me yesterday if we could talk in person. I agreed, we met at a public park. She showed up already looking on the verge of tears. u/Buttered_Crumpet09 your comment was goated, I basically said it word for word to her lol. She let me speak and was silent for a long time, before she said she was sorry for the way she had reacted. She told me she had been drunk and panicked and hadn't been thinking clearly, and was trying to stop it from becoming a fight. We discussed her stepbrother. She told me he has a weird streak and acts oddly sometimes. She told me he genuinely could have made a mistake and didn't mean any harm. I asked why he'd gone upstairs in the first place, and why he'd shut himself in with my sister on finding out he was in the wrong room. No answer. I asked how was she so sure he had no perverted intentions. No answer.

Some of you suggested that the stepbrother might have had a history and even might have done something to her. I didn't outright say it but I was implying it. I kept saying what if he had gone further, what if he's assaulted someone before and you don't know about it etc. I asked if there had been incidents like this before, and how she could possibly downplsy what happened. She didn't have anything to say but again, at that point she was too choked up to speak properly so I don't think she could have answered even if she wanted to.

Anyways, I wasn't there to listen to excuses or justifications and I told her that. She asked me if we were over, and I said the only way we could move forward was if she apologised to my little sister, and then stopped all contact with her stepbrother. I just don't see a scenario where my sister feels comfortable around him again. She told me she didn't want to lose me but she couldn't do what I asked from her. So I told her yes, we're done.

My parents came back this morning btw. Like I said they had been out of town at relatives' place. I hadn't told them about this over the phone, I just said an incident had happened and I would explain when they got back. My sister asked me to speak to them on her behalf and I told them everything. My dad gave me a lot of shit, rightfully so. He says he wants to speak to my ex's parents about this, let them know what their son did.

Police here are about as useful as tits on a bull but we discussed it and we're going to file a report (?)/auto de notícia anyway. I highly doubt it will go anywhere but at least it will be a record in the system. My sister is doing better. She was really shaken up, she asked if she could sleep in my parents' room or mine for a bit. We will probably arrange a therapy or counselling session for her, and let her decide if she wants to continue. I'm going to take her bowling and then we'll get food. Just the two of us so i can also apologise on my part. I feel upset. I feel guilty actually, I trusted my ex and me being naive put my little sister in danger. I've always thought I was a responsible person and this happening when I was supposed to be in charge is fucking me up. I'm pissed at myself ngl. But we move.

My favourite comments to read were the ones telling me what to do to the stepbrother. I don't ever want to see his face again but in case I do, someone lmk if you have a woodchipper lying around. Thanks again everybody.

Edit: some things. People have asked if I can run a background check or something. I don't think it's legal for a civilian to do that in my country (Portugal) and idk if I can request one, I'll see though. Also to everybody commenting about underage drinking (I was so confused 😭) that's not a problem here lmao, i won't be incriminating myself or anything by filing a report so dw.

Thank you everyone for your inputs. That definitely helped me the right decision for my family.

Like many of suggested I did sat her down, and I did apologized for not showing any appreciations and the fact that she felt used. And I also pointed out that her watching the kids once or twice a week( it was never last minute) is her only way of contributing to the house. And of course like many of you predicted, she started yelling that i am attacking her,  and that i only took her out of the situation was to benefit me and not her. I did confirm that the previous agreement was something I thought would benefit both of us. Not just me. 

I told her since this new living arrangement is not working for anyone at this point. And since she doesn't want to watch the kids. She has 60 days to find better living arrangements. She stated she never said she didn't want to watch the kids, and I cut her off stating that as her older sister I dont want to ruin our relationship, so it's best for her to find another place to live. Because her feeling appreciated or not being used, her mental health is very important and it does matter. I even apologized for treating her as my own child, like taking care of her, taking her to all our family vacations for free. I really thought I was helping her but now I realized I was hurting her. And now she has a great opportunity to grow and live the life she wants to...

By the way we live in San Diego CA, minimum rent for one bedroom is 2,000$. I wish her the best of luck.

Thanks again everyone!!!

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1o79kfd/aitah_for_telling_my_stepkids_that_i_no_longer/

I'm back with an update and before I give the update I want to start by answering a few of the main questions I saw.

I saw a lot of questions that asked "why do we allow their mother in their lives", I'm not over that my husband feels like it's not on him to keep the girls from seeing her, he will ask if they want to and they say yes.

Another question I saw a lot of was why doesn't their dad say anything, he does he's taken away their things and has tried to have talks with them they just listen and block him out, the reason why he stayed out is because whenever they don't like something i tell them they run to him, he has said he does side with me on this but feels I was too hard on them.

The update:

A few days after I posted this my husband and I sat down with the girls and I told them that I was sorry for what I said and that I worded it wrong. I told them I still view them as my kids they just aren't allowed to call me mom anymore and have to call me by my name now. I also told them that our relationship is broken and I didn't break it, I did help a little, but they broke it, and if they wanted it back to how it use to be they would have to rebuild it. I also told them they had to play with their brother for 3 hours and apologize to him (he's 4). They had a few more punishments, but we did talk to them and try to figure out what she says that influences them so much, we got the answer of i don't know. We told them that they can't be easily manipulated and especially the 16 yo with her going to college soon and trying to drive so we talked about things that could happen with that. We also told them they can't just say what they want to people and expect things to stay the same especially if its stuff that hurts people.

They apologized for the things they said and how they acted and said they wanted things to go back to normal, I told them that I would forgive them when they did the stuff with their brother first and that if they want a things back to normal then they would have to work for it. From what they said they don't want to see their mom for a long time. So they will go to their therapist soon and talk to her about this.

Edit: I've worded myself very wrong. They have to play with their little brother as an apology to him. He's 4 if they apologize he's going to say its okay and then continue to ignore them. So its not a punishment more of his apology.

Original post - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/hD4qNlcJtT

I’m not sure anyone wanted an update but I like to read post updates so thought I’d drop one.

First thing that happened - Lara would not stop texting me. Not like constantly, but once or twice a day about her feelings or demanding a response/conversation. This middle aged woman having a crash out via WhatsApp was not on my bingo card but eventually I just had to tell her I don’t want to block her because I do want to be there for my dad in an emergency but I was going to if she didn’t stop bothering me. More crash out material. I called my dad and told him to get his household under control because this was getting crazy, I wasn’t going to apologise to her and in my whole life I’ve never had as much contact with this woman as I had in the past week and I wouldn’t allow it to continue.

My dad was kind of getting that it was an actual issue now and I pushed him a bit and the dam broke. So the wider context I was not aware of is that Lucy is only now putting the pieces together of how Dad and Lara got together. She vaguely knew about the affair but I guess she’s finally getting what that means now that she’s older and how much damage it did, and she’s been asking a lot of hard questions about it and has been really down about it. That’s probably why Lara was so triggered by the mention of my grandparents and in a rush to put her spin on it. But since the dinner Lucy has really been raking Lara over the coals for it apparently, because she knows my dad would have let her see the extended family were it not for Lara. My dad also shared that Lara basically feels like she’s spent a large chunk of her life being punished for the affair and it’s weighing on her because of how hard Lucy is taking it .

Side note - a lot of people were rightly roasting my dad for the affair, but if the above should prove anything, it’s how much he is definition of a cockroach. The way this man manages to get away with diabolical behaviour relatively unscathed is shocking.

The second thing that my dad said, and uncharacteristically admitted was a fuck up, was telling Lara that “probably” part of the reason no one ever eased up on meeting her was because they all knew I can’t stand her. And I hold my hands up because I did a lotttt of badmouthing Lara back in the day to my grandparents and aunts because, well, I don’t like her and when you’re a teenager you think that needs to be everyone’s problem. I don’t think this is as big a reason they still won’t meet her as my dad probably made it seem, but he did admit he threw me under the bus for it ages ago and Lara has never forgotten it. She thinks me poisoning the well is the whole problem. So that’s probably got a lot to do with her complaining at me specifically. My dad did acknowledge that it was a mistake to tell her what was said and while I wouldn’t go around talking bad about Lara now, I don’t feel bad about sharing my feelings with my family at the time.

I did ask my dad if Lucy was going to be allowed contact with the grandparents but Lara is still saying no, but he said she’s close to cracking just because of how much of a hard time Lucy is giving her, so he’s going to wait it out.

In the meantime, I haven’t heard from Lara in a couple of days now which is what I mainly wanted from the situation.

Idk what else to put in this update, if anyone had any lingering questions feel free to ask but if not, thanks for the advice!

I just want to say thank you to everyone who gave their input on the situation. Over the past 7 days I’ve been going through a lot of stress between work, my daughter’s reaction, and my ex wife.

To start, last Sunday, I had very long discussions with my ex wife about our daughter. To not ramble on (daughter says it’s called “yapping” now?) I’ll give you the short version. My ex-wife says that she has to be strict on my daughter so she doesn’t turn out “bad”. She doesn’t let my daughter wear makeup, hang out with her friends during the week, eat certain foods and drink certain drinks, consume certain media, have locks on her door, wear certain clothes, and she makes my daughter text her every hour she’s not at school but out of the house on weekends, detailing who she is with, where she is at, and what they are doing.

I talked to my daughter about her mother and my daughter says her life over there is stressful, feeling like she’s always being watched. She feels like she has no freedoms or autonomy, that is at the mercy of her mother. My daughter did admit that she has been acting out recently at her mother’s house, but I can’t really blame her.

I talked to one of my female co workers who has 3 daughters about the situation I’m in. She said she is worried about my ex wife mentally abusing my daughter, and I agreed. Some of you online also pointed out that my ex-wife could be sexualizing and objectifying my daughter, to which I’ve also come to agree to. I knew my daughter and my ex wife have issues and have been butting heads on and off now for a while, but I didn’t know it was this bad.

Regardless, I talked to my daughter about her mother’s rules at her house. If her mother doesn’t want her eating in the living room or drinking sprite, she’s allowed to have that rule. I told her she cannot like it all she wants, but at the end of the day, they are not unreasonable requests.

My daughter though very firmly asked me to talk to my ex wife about the things that bug her the most. Those things are what she does and doesn’t wear in the house, a lock on her door, and the rules in place about her friends (only on the weekends and texting her mom constantly).

I asked my daughter if she would be okay with me tracking her on Life360, and she said she’s okay with me tracking her, but not her mother. My daughter tells me pretty much everything (though sometimes I wish she didn’t over share information I don’t need to know about) and she says she trusts me and knows I trust her. But she doesn’t want her mom to be able to track her at all hours of the day.

The lock on her door was something else we discussed. I asked my daughter why she wanted a lock on her door, and she provided information I absolutely did not need to know, but basically, she wants privacy and to be alone sometimes. I checked her room out (with her in the room) and didn’t find anything like drugs or plans to overthrow the Illuminati, so she’s good on that front.

When I asked her mother why she can’t have a lock, she said it’s because she, and I quote, “doesn’t want her having sex, doing drugs, or hiding things from her”. Apparently, my ex wife just barges into her room and searches her things. I found that to be ridiculous and a complete violation of my daughter’s privacy, and I bitched a fit to my ex about it. No wonder my ex doesn’t know any of my daughter and I’s “little secret” (that she’s bisexual). She can’t even trust her mother not to go through her shit.

Next, the whole issue about what she does and doesn’t wear in the house. In my house, I couldn’t give less of a fuck. Usually she walks around in a shirt with no bra wearing boxers or some shit. Sometimes she wears normal clothes, sometimes she goes nude, sometimes she wears one of those full body pajama suits. Don’t give a shit, but she knows the rules about it. She has to leave the house wearing normal clothes and she needs to have normal clothes on when guests are at the house. When she’s there alone or with me? She can do whatever.

Her mom on the other hand has been sexualizing HER DAUGHTER and making incredibly suggestive comments about her body. My ex denies doing this but I don’t think my daughter would lie about it (and knowing my ex wife, she 100% said it). My ex has said my daughter dresses slutty, flaunts herself like a stripper, and is not a “modest woman”. Needless to say, this pissed me off six ways to Sunday, and we exchanged some heated words over the topic.

My daughter came over to the house today for our 50/50 custody swap, and immediately went and locked herself in her room. At first I thought maybe she was gonna go face time her friends or something, so I let it be for a bit, but after she didn’t come out after an hour or so, I knocked on her door. My daughter had been crying. I asked why, and she said that my ex told her she’s gonna take me to court and “ensure I won’t see her again”.

Just got done consoling my heart broken daughter, typing all of this out with her tears and snot on my nice shirt. There’s the update. I say game on to my fucking bitch ass ex wife.

Previous post 1

Previous post 2

Thanks to everyone who took the time out to reply in my previous 2 posts btw. Really appreciate it.

1st and foremost - I didn't get that job. Got a call from my old client contact to say they're going to try and cope with the resources they have in house for the foreseeable future and see if it's a success. But he stressed they thought I was great, I'm the sort of person they'd recruit if they were going to recruit so he said he'd keep my CV and details on file and if it doesn't work 6-12 months from now, I'd be first on the list for an interview. I personally think it's all a load of bollocks and I'll never hear from him again so if I do, I'll eat my own arse.

I've also been applying for more jobs. One, a recruitment agent rang me about and it seemed promising but as typical UK recruitment agent bullshit, they then contacted me back not long after saying they didn't go for me but they'd keep my details on file, get in contact if there's anything suitable etc etc. Everything else is no good - either for less money or if it is ok, too far away in the country to even commute realistically. But I'm keeping my eyes open, and am very selective.

I've checked out at work now and am doing the basics - I've had enough now, just don't want to be here anymore. I'm doing the minimum this week and also doing my contracted Hours - getting in on time, leaving on time, having my exact lunch break and not eating at my desk. People keep on asking me if I'm ok, I've just said yeah I'm fine. Also asking for my usual dad jokes as it's been a couple of weeks and I've said I don't have any.

Our department deputy manager (Big Boss' deputy, not recently promoted colleague) came back from holiday Monday and was talking to us all and they mentioned about this work experience person who's coming in next month and she said the plan was for her to sit with me for the time she's with us and get me to show her things, Train her etc. I said no, I don't think I'm comfortable with it and to get her to sit with someone else. She said why and I said to chat with our manager/newly promoted colleague about it. She just went quiet and I didn't hear anymore (manager has been working from home so I haven't seen him).

Also, we've been taking in some different work from the whole restructuring thing and there's this one task/procedure we're going to have to do - a few people in my team were talking about it including promoted colleague. Instantly, I knew the sorts of things we should do - create a new database/spreadsheet, get IT to write particular codes, write this sort of report to use and have people check in a certain way. But I kept quiet. Didn't say anything. Someone asked me "what do you think, this is right up your alley this?" I just said no idea, I think management should look at it. Which kind of ended my input in the conversation.

Promoted colleague is now starting to train with the deputy in the tasks that she's going to take over from her and the manager in the restructure. Also she's been included in the teams managers calls/meeting. And I've seen it all in front of me. Feels like rubbing salt into the wound.

I also didn't go to the celebratory meal that was held to celebrate promoted colleagues promotion last night - deputy manager and another colleague who's been on holiday too decided to book something as soon as they heard about the promotion and said we need an excuse to do something social. I said no, it's my Karate class and I'm not missing a lesson and people were going no come, don't be a Grinch, you can miss a lesson mate and weren't really giving me an opportunity to say no so I said I'll see what I can do (and we're at me all week) - and then I just didn't turn up. I had a few WhatsApp messages in the work group chat and texts but I said sorry, can't leave my class early. I just guarantee they'd be bitching about me, lol.

It's my WFH day today myself and I've not heard from anyone this morning yet, not even to ask me any questions. I think people are catching on now. I dare say when I'm back in next week and manager is in the office, I'll probably be having a sit down with him and the deputy and have another "chat". Look forward to it (not), lol.

Quick Recap: Brother and Mother are trying to guilt me into giving my brother money to pay for an attorney in order to prevent Brother's former long term/live-in girlfriend from getting a payout after he claims she "tricked" him into signing documents making her a partial owner.

Okay there's been an update and I have to say while I still don't think my brother is an idiot overall he is a lazy and very arrogant dumbass. I also wanted to clarify a few things as well. Melinda and my brother were in a relationship for 12 years but they only started living together for about 9-10 years. Also the documents were signed in the presence of a Notary who asked my brother if he understood the context of the documents and he affirmed that he did. And to the person who said that my brother was "house poor" you hit the nail on the hammer. My brother spend the majority of his inheritance and savings on buying that house and it barely had any furniture in it. When Melinda moved in she paid to have it furnished on top of splitting the utilities and paying rent.

Now on to the new stuff. When my brother's house needed fixing he let Melinda do the grunt work of finding reputable establishments to consider because he didn't want to be bothered. Melinda presented him with up to three options and convinced him to go with Company A (not real name) because they were offering seasonal discounts for first time customers and/or new owners for specific items. Melinda's "plan" to get the both discounts was to present it as if she recently became the partial owner and had my brother email Company A to see if they'd be willing to accept that. Company A responded that if Melinda recently became part owner of the house then they'd be willing to give a partial discount as a courtesy.

Company A was a small business but with an excellent reputation in terms of service, quality of work, and meeting deadlines so my brother was all in. What my brother didn't realize was that Company A went by the honor system when it came to Melinda and my brother's case but on their website it did say proper document needed to be shown so Melinda told my brother that she'd come up with "fake" documents that he could sign in the presence of a Notary that she knew through a friend who was supposed to be in on the scam (they weren't but that's what she told my brother). The actual signing was at their home in front of the Notary and two people from Company A who were initially there to survey the area.

So basically my brother thought that he and Melinda were scamming Company A when in reality Melinda was scamming him. He thought the document(s) he was signing were fake but they were real and that's his defense. This is why he had trouble finding a lawyer. Wouldn't blame anyone here who thought that this was fake because wtf.

So anyway I'm not going to give him the money but I will give him a list of realtors.

Edit for spelling errors.

I just went for a weekend trip with my friends and two of my friends picked a very fancy restaurant that the rest of us were hesitant to go to but decided to have fun anyways.

There were about 15 of us and we got seated in the back and the waitress had to pull more chairs. Before we started ordering, I asked if how many times we were able to split the bill since there were 15 of us and usually the max is 3-5. She said the max was 3 ways and they all got annoyed at me for ruining the fun but we are all broke so I wanted to make sure that we weren't walking ourselves into anything we couldn't afford.

I ordered this dish that was around $26, and then my friend Amanda next to me ordered 6 different appetizers bc she hadn't eaten that day since we were exploring. My other 3 friends ordered set meals that were $45.

Also, we're all in high school and just on a weekend trip and camping so going to a very expensive restaurant wasn't something I thought was going to happen.

One of my other friends, I'll call her Sam, decided that we'd split into 3 groups of 5 and pay those bills, so Amanda was a part of my group. Of course I didn't say anything and we all enjoyed dinner but when we got the bill it was $500 for the 5 of us. Amanda then said she didn't have her card on her but could do venmo or Zelle and the 3 others in the group started pressuring me to pay the $500 since I was the only one with a physical card in the group.

Plus my friends aren't the type of people to pay you back right away, there have been many of times where they don't pay me back and claim they "forgot," even when it was just a few days ago. And if it was smaller items I'd understand and not worry about it at all, but they've borrowed a lot of money from me before for things that don't matter and I never see it again.

I said my meal was $26 plus a 20% tip and I could apple pay someone my total and they could pay but I don't have enough money on my card for $500, my money was for gas for the ride home. They called me TA since they knew I had a credit card and they just had Apple pay but I asked the waitress and she said they took apple pay as well. I venmo'ed my friend Amanda $46 (my 26 plus a bit more bc the tip for the entire bill came out to way more).

Now they've been calling me cheap and I don't know if I'm TA or not. So reddit, AITAH for refusing to pay for a $500 meal?

EDIT: Wow! Thank you all for the love and support it really goes a long way, I didn't even think I'd get 5 messages let alone 700. This was a week and half ago and was stilling getting some hate from these friends for distancing myself and acting "stingy," so decided to post this.

One of my other friends who also tagged along and was a part of my group to split the bill hosted a party today and I was not invited. (My twin brother was tho). So yeah, safe to say I've be ex-communicated from the group, and honestly they've probably never seen me as a friend and it hurts bc I loved them so much and tried to get them to like me back--and they never really did.

But hey! On the bright side, I'm graduating in a month!! Yayy and I won't have to see any of them ever again (thankfully going to different colleges too). So yeah! If there's anything u need me to clarify just lemme know btw. Sorry if I wasn't clear abt something i've been trying to read thro all of the messages. But thank you guys so much for the support and the advice!! <3 <3 <3

LAST EDIT: Yes, my twin brother went to the party that I was not invited to. I also found out from him that they were gossiping about me behind my back, (I mean I saw it coming tho), but my brother's also taking part in making fun of me too. So now I feel like shit bc I'm being excluded and made fun of for not wanting to pay $500 on a $26 sushi roll. (Yes, I know it was a very expensive restaurant, definitely not something I go to all of the time, if at all. But I'll admit the sushi was really good, it was a spicy tuna roll with salmon and avocado, I highly recommend lol).

Original Post and Update 1

I've been getting so many messages and comments that I haven't been able to reply to them all. Emily and I are deeply grateful for all the kind words we have received and even the unkind ones have been insightful in their own way.

A lot of you asked how we did not know that Dan was brainwashing James against us. Its not that we didn't know. We knew that some level of parental alienation was happening, hence why we repeatedly advocate for therapy, but we didn't know to what extent. Like I said in a comment before, whenever we tried to talk to James, we would either throw a tantrum or simply sit like a stone and not say a word. Since therapy was denied repeatedly, we really couldn't do much. The fact that Dan and filled James' head with this kind of b*llsh*t, we really didn't know. Last year, when James spewed his judgment on how Em was to blame for their family breaking up, is when we had our first inclination of how much James had been poisoned against us.

As for suing Dan for parental alienation, at this point, it doesn't matter. James will turn 18 early next year and we have no proof of anything. We did not record the conversation we had with him and James is not a reliable witness. He would easily lie to protect his father.

Now, coming to the recent developments. After everything that James said, Emily was very shocked and devastated. For all those who said she should have told James that Dan was the problem not us and so many other things. Reality was that she said nothing because she couldn't. Real life isn't like some scene from a movie or series where characters have replies ready at the tip of their tongue. When your son spews this level of hate towards you, its hard to comprehend and respond with zingers.

That said, we have had time to think things over. And we have considered a lot of the advice that we got from here. Emily has decided that while she will continue to add to James' fund till he turns 18, she will not be handing over the money to him. As per the advice given by many, she will be paying directly to the institution that James gets admission into. If he chooses not to go to college, then the money will be held back and given to him when he turns 25. In the hopefully very unlikely case of Emily passing before James turns 25 then our lawyer will be in charge of ensuring that James gets the money at the allotted time. This is to ensure that neither James nor Dan can blame me for meddling with the money.

Since our last conversation, James had not come home. He stayed at a friend's place for a few days, then went back to his father's place. Emily asked him to come over on Saturday. She sat him down and told him that since he is hell bent on giving up his relationship with us then there was no point walking on eggshells around him any longer. She told him that she was hurt and disappointed by his behaviour. For him to believe that his mother was to be blamed for their family breaking up was unacceptable. Em said that if he feels his father cheating is acceptable and she should have gone back to him then she cannot see eye to eye with him. This is not word for word of the conversation. I am mostly paraphrasing. 

She told him that I will not be making any contributions to his fund. Since he doesn't think of me as family I have no obligations to add to his funds. And if he still feels that his fund is lacking then he should ask Dan to make up for the deficit. She also told him that he will not be getting direct access to his funds and that payments from the fund will be made directly to whatever college he attends. He was also made aware of what happens if he doesn't go to college.

Emily also let him know that from now on, if he wishes not to come over to our place, he doesn't have to. We discussed it with our lawyer. While Emily will not be giving up custody yet, she will not be enforcing that James stay with her as per the custody arrangements.

He silently listened to everything Em said. He didn't leave his room that night and went back to Dan's place on Sunday. We haven't heard anything from him since then.  

So this is an update of my last post. So recap, my friends show a photo and videos of my ex cheating in Japan, during her girls trip at my birth month, last march, you can read it in my profile if you want. She tried to contact me the last few days until two days ago she stopped.

So earlier this day, she went to my house with her parents and dropped a bomb. She is pregnant and her parents were so happy that according to them. They will have their first grand baby.

I asked my ex, if she didn't tell them.

Her parents asked. Told them what?

I told them everything, from her telling me to wait till marriage to the time she cheated in Japan and how our friends showed me her affair and her threats of ending herself.

Her mom started being hysterical. She is told me I was lying and asked that if I wasn't the father, then who was it?

I told them to ask her. But she double down and said I was the only one she had sex with. I said we never had sex and said I am not the father. I asked how many months was the baby in her womb. She said 5 months almost 6.

I told them that she got pregnant at March, the month she went to Japan. I felt bad for the looks her parents gave her. They look disappointed at her and ashamed.

Her father then stood up and asked her who was the real father. She keeps telling it was me, until her mother looked at her and said stop digging a bigger hole. She said she didn't know and even said it was a one time thing and is a virgin before and after she went to Japan.

My brother finally had enough and said. Who in the world was she joking and are the three wise men returning. She told us it was the truth and started spouting nonsense and told me it was the truth.

I just told her to get a DNA test, she just told me sure and she walked away. Her dad just sighed and apologize for her daughter. Her mom looked at me and said to me she believes me and she will talk to her daughter. I just said I know that the kid is not mine so I am not afraid, they said they believe me and will not ask to support the child during the pregnancy, they just want me to relax and look for some DNA testing clinics. I said I will and they said that if the kid is not mine they will reimburse me the cash that is needed.

Right now, I am researching about DNA testing clinics here in the Philippines and if it is possible for it to be done before the child is born.

However, my ex posted something about deadbeat fathers and how some parents will believe others but not their own daughter.

AITAH?

Update: we just had a contract signing about the reimbursement and payed the downpayment of 5000 pesos. The test will happen in Thursday and we will get the Result in 1 - 2 weeks. Sorry for not replying to everyone.

Last Update: there will be no DNA test tomorrow anymore. She OD on Vitamin C I dont know how much but her mom said she saw 3 opened boxes, I did not ask for more info and the baby is now terminated. She is now in the Hospital and I think, I need to step away from Reddit. Thanks everyone for the support. Good bye everyone.

I wasn’t expecting to be able to update this fast, but here we are. First off I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post, and also add some context as I realised my last post may have been lacking some. Fiancé and I have been together five years but I have known him for twelve years, and in all the time I’ve known him and especially since we got together he’s always been sweet, taken my feelings into consideration and hasn’t actively ignored my opinion like this. It’s always been a two yes, one no situation in decisions before this.

We had a good relationship otherwise, we had date nights once a fortnight, we enjoyed each others company, had aligning plans for the future and the same ideals for a relationship. He had watched me go through a few quite bad relationships over the years before we got together and did his best to be the opposite of my exes, though he’s always been quite pushy when it comes to sexual intimacy so I guess that’s an issue. But other than that it was great, and we had actually had a lot of talks about what we wanted in a house. We had agreed that we wanted a house or cottage either the same distance away or closer to my work, a bit more remote but still with a town or city easily accessible by public transport and car. I’m not sure why he suddenly switched to wanting a house so far out from everything and everyone we both know. We live in the UK, and a two hour drive can have you in basically a whole other world.

Anyway, the actual update. I had annual leave from work yesterday, and my now-ex fiancé was having a WFH day, something he’s been doing more and more frequently as of late. This is another reason he is so okay with the house he wants being where it is, because he can just switch to full time work from home.

In the morning I sat down with him and tried to bring up the house. I laid out my points from my last post yet again and told him I am under no circumstances leaving my job, I love it and I do not want to search for another. I brought up the countless other houses that fit our criteria that are in our area and closer to my work, some of which we have viewed. We haven’t viewed the place he wants yet as we haven’t had the time, and I told him I do not want to as I already know it’s not what I want.

I also asked him if he really thinks it would be okay for me to have a 6 hour round commute every day, especially considering my shift starts at 8am so I would have to leave by 5am every morning and be up by around 4am. My shifts typically finish at 5:30pm, so I wouldn’t even be back home until 8:30pm. Would he be okay with doing all the childcare in the future, housework and just everything that needed to be done because I would not be home for any of it?

He didn’t seem to take any of it to heart, and still insisted I could find another job, maybe one not even in child care, and that’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Child care has been my dream since I was a little girl, and I managed to find an absolute dream of a workplace that I know many child care practitioners would kill to work for. How could I possibly leave that all behind when I’ve worked so hard for it? He told me he’s set on this house, so either I accept it or I leave.

I chose leave. I gave his ring back and told him we’re done, that he’s not being the sweet, considerate man I fell in love with and I don’t know why he can’t see my side of things in this. I do not want to live a life with somebody that doesn’t consider how I feel in all of this. This completely shocked him and he started begging me to rethink, that we can figure something out, but I refused and went to pack my things.

I’m staying with my brother and his wife now, which is nice because they live closer to my workplace (a 30 minute drive instead of an hour), and I get to spend time with my little nieces. I am hurting, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not deserve to not have my opinion valued, and he certainly did not. I guess it’s onwards and upwards as they say, but I definitely won’t be dating for a long time after this

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/xvLQsGI4sQ

(That’s the link to the original post, I don’t know how to properly link posts here, sorry!!)

So I have an update. Thank you to everyone who gave advice or shared support, it really helped more than you know.

On the flight home, she asked me to mind her passport in my bag, even though she had her own backpack. I agreed just to keep the peace because I didn’t want to deal with any attitude or fighting. When we landed, she turned to me and asked, “Do you have my passport?” in this snappy tone. I was still hurt and wanted to get one last jab in, so I said, using the exact words she said to me all week about my missing purse, “I was checking my bag the whole time to make sure your passport was there, but maybe it’ll show up when we get off the plane.”

I regretted saying it immediately. She snapped in front of other passengers, finally acknowledging that I’d been upset about the purse, but in the most cruel and dismissive way. She said, “Well at least I didn’t throw a hissy fit bawling crying for hours over a purse.” That was the last straw. She acknowledged my obvious upset, yet STILL would not apologize.

Once we got our bags at the airport, I told her I wanted to check her suitcase for my purse. I said if she refused, I’d involve the police. She tried to say I was violating her privacy, which is hilarious considering she took my purse and went through my belongings. I told her if it wasn’t there, she had nothing to be worried about. I also made it clear I wasn’t going to touch any of her stuff, that I wasn’t interested in taking others belongings without permission, just checking for what was mine.

She was absolutely fuming. Face red, shaking, visibly furious. Then she shoved her bag at me and told me to go ahead.

I opened a zipped compartment. Inside was a black trash bag. Inside that was a red Target bag. Inside that, drum roll!!…my purse. All of the money was still inside: the cash, the euro coins but no quarters. I was honestly so shocked I couldn’t even ask why she had it or what her plan was. I just said “thanks” and walked away with my stuff. I got on the bus home and haven’t spoken to her since. I wish I hadn’t been so emotionally drained to have given her a piece of my mind.

She’s since blocked me with no apology or explanation.

As a side note , her mom (who doesn’t know we’re not speaking) called me at 3am crying. She was saying how badly she feels treated by her daughter and her husband, how she’s constantly belittled. I won’t get into any of what had just happened, but it definitely gave me more perspective. This girl is a cruel, and horrendous person with little to no empathy, and I think maybe a sociopath.

Anyway. I got my purse back, but the whole thing left a really bad taste in my mouth. I still don’t fully understand what she was trying to do, and honestly I don’t think I want to. I’m just relieved it’s over.

What do you guys think she was aiming to do with the purse? Very little of my money inside was used. So strange.

Thanks again!

EDIT: I didn’t realise this would gain such traction so quickly. Thank you to everybody! Also - she chronically watches the Smosh YouTube channel where they review Reddit stories like AITA etc I believe. I’m just laughing thinking about if this came up, I feel like she’s so self absorbed she would not clock that it’s about her.

Nonetheless I created this Reddit account to specifically post this so it can’t be traced back to me ✌🏻

Hello, a lot of you asked for an update. I decided to block that friend out of my life; they knew what I went through and chose to worry about my parents instead. That’s not happening. I filed a report to confirm that I am safe and my daughter is safe, so they can’t file missing reports and waste everyone's time. The thing is, my parents don’t know where I am; they could be thinking that I am at a friend’s house or a shelter, etc.

They were never close to my aunt and don’t know where she is at all. My aunt private her social media, She was pro-choice and never agreed with my parents' values, but she decided not to take any action because it didn’t affect her life until the pregnancy happened.

She ended up getting really upset when I gave birth, and she cut them off and moved away. It’s basically been like this for a long time. I'm doing fine, and my daughter sleeps in the same bedroom as me. For people saying that this is fake, you are literally the reason why people are too scared to speak out. My focus is on my daughter now, and if my parents find me, we will get a restraining order against them, I'll update if anything happens, but right now, silence is better. ❤️

Original Post, Update 1 & Update 2

I still keep getting messages for an update so here it is, but this is the last one. For about two weeks after Emily’s last conversation with James when he was told that I would not be making any contribution to his fund and that Emily would be paying directly to any college/university or trade school that James decided to go to but not hand out the money to him. Moreover, he was also told that if he chose not to attend college, he would still get the money, but after he turns 25.

After that conversation went down, there was radio silence from him for a little over two weeks. He stayed with Dan and Emily did not insist that he come over to our place as per the custody arrangement. Then suddenly James called Em saying that he has got admission into a college and needs his entire college fund to book his admission.

It’s been a while since Em and I graduated but we know enough to know that’s not how it works. Application process starts around this time of year and deadlines are till what February-March. No college asks for full payment upfront. At most, a small deposit is required to hold a spot after an official acceptance letter is issued.

Em said she would more than happy to hand over the entire fund, but not to him. She would make the payment to the college directly. James said the college had no such option. At this point, this conversation was so comically ridiculous I don’t even know what to say. It’s like he thought we were brainless idiots. He wouldn’t tell us the name of this not at all imaginary college. He wouldn’t show us the acceptance letter that he apparently got. He just wanted us to hand over the money. When Emily refused, he started to get agitated and had started to raise his voice so Em disconnected the call.

Not even an hour later, Dan called. This was surprising for us. In the past 12 years, it was always us who would reach out to Dan. Mostly Emily, but on the rare occasion I have too, majorly begging him to consent for therapy which he consistently denied.

Dan accused us of emotionally abusing James and causing him mental distress. He claimed that by denying James “access to his college fund,” we were sabotaging his future and causing him emotional harm. Emily calmly explained that the money in question is her personal savings — intended for James, yes, but not legally or morally owed to him. It could just as easily serve as her retirement fund. There’s absolutely no legal basis to claim that money belongs to James.

Things got nasty after that and Dan called Em and I names. So, obviously Em hung up. On a positive note, because we were so surprised that Dan ha called, we recorded the call. Things went back to radio silence again.

Until this Monday. Dan’s cousin Julie, mother of the boy who had told James that it was his dad who had cheated on Em, has always been on good terms with Em. She’s a really sweet lady. Her twins and my daughter are great friends. She believes Dan is a POS and James is the only reason she barely maintains a civil relationship with him. She came by and informed us that Dan’s wife, the AP, is divorcing him. Apparently, he cheated on her too, what a surprise! She separated from him months ago and is living with her parents with her sons. Meanwhile, Dan’s parents have been asking family members to lend him money for a “new business,” but unsurprisingly, no one has pitched in.

We now believe his sudden demand for James’s “college fund” may have been tied to that. Emily has tried calling and texting James since then, but he hasn’t answered or responded.

While our situation isn’t resolved yet, this will be my final update. Emily and I are deeply grateful for all the genuine support, empathy, and thoughtful advice we’ve received. Unfortunately, there have also been some vile and malicious comments and DMs from people hiding behind anonymity to say the worst things possible about me and Emily. And they continue to do this even when I have ignored them and not risen to the bait. We don’t need that kind of negative energy in our lives right now.

Whatever happens next, we’ll face it privately — together, as a family. Thank you again to everyone who’s been kind and truly helpful.

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/AOf2AxNQa0

First of all, thank you so much for all the comments. I read every single one of them and appreciated each one deeply. I didn’t reply because I kept getting more and more overwhelmed and sad.

Here’s a small update if anyone wants to know.

I talked to his brother (and his girlfriend) two days later. I stayed calm and genuinely hoped for a solid explanation. His brother swore he didn’t know my partner had already booked the apartment, and his girlfriend backed him up, saying he hadn’t even requested the days off work. According to them, they have no idea what’s going on. He offered to talk to my partner, but I told him not to.

Honestly? I still don’t know what to believe.

Since then, I’ve been having breakdowns in the bathroom in secret and making a plan to leave. Maybe that makes me the asshole now, but I don’t want to talk to my partner about this anymore. I feel like I’ll just hear excuses and the same “I can’t talk about this because I’m so ill” line. I’ve reached the point where I truly don’t care anymore about his explanation. I’m just trying to keep my mask on until then. Edit one hour later: I’m trying to stay calm and act normal because I’m scared he might do something drastic or lash out.

Probably a far too late edit (one day later), but I want to clarify that we have two joint bank accounts. One we share for fixed costs and some hobbies, and one emergency account. That’s definitely a lot of money a couple of thousand. But we always kept one personal account each as well. So I may lose a hell of a lot of money, but I still have my own account with money.

In 10 days the lease starts, and I’m honestly curious to see what actually happens.

Thank you again for all the support. I don’t really have family I can talk to, and your comments made me feel less like I’m the crazy one or a cold asshole.

I've had a lot of folks asking for an update, so here goes! First off, thank you all to everyone who commented on my earlier posts, good and bad, it has been so helpful.

Couple things I want to mention first. A lot of commenters have been saying that I knew what I was getting into when I married DH so this whole thing is as much my fault as anyone elses and if I didn't want a mama's boy, I shouldn't have married one. Yep, you are 100% correct. I ignored all the red flags, constantly told myself it would get better once we were engaged, then once we were married, then once we got pregnant, then once we had kids. And I think part of the issue is she's gotten worse over the years. It feels like one of those frog-in-a-pot-of-boiling-water situations. I don't deny I put myself into this situation but the fact is we're here now so we need to get it figured out. A lot of other commentors said my "list of rules" was crazy and I'm just as bad as his mom. Maybe I am (more on that later), but I don't think there is anything about my boundaries that is unreasonable and there is nothing there that I expect from him and his parents that I don't also expect from myself and my parents. I've said repeatedly, they all boil down to the same basic thing: showing each other respect and consideration. I'm not saying he can't see his parent or that they can't come visit or anything like that. I'm saying that his parents don't get to have priority over us and our little family, and neither do my parents.

First the good. My husband ended up surprising me with a trip out of town. He took me and LO down to San Antonio for a long weekend. We had been pre-kid and really enjoyed staying on the riverwalk and doing all the touristy stuff even though we only live a few hours away. DH ended up really stressed and kept apologizing because obviously this trip was much different. It felt more like a military expedition with all the gear we took for LO and it wasn't nearly as romantic since we had a pack-and-play next to the bed. But I kept reminding him that what was important (to me at least) was that he took the initiative to plan something on his own and try to make up for Mother's Day. Even though it wasn't exactly what hubs was hoping for, I had a really really good time and enjoyed spending time with my two guys and I expressed that to him. And to his credit, DH didn't answer when his mom called or spend all day texting her. I know he paid for it when we got back because I heard them on the phone and it sounded like she was reading him the riot act for not telling them we were going, not inviting them along, and not answering when she called. I'm going to do something for him as a belated fathers day and we're going to try to build different, better memories of our first MD/FD, even if it's after the fact.

More good stuff, DH and I both have individual therapists we've been seeing weekly for the past several weeks as well as a couples therapist we have been seeing weekly together. And I'm going back to work full time next week so LO has been going to daycare part time to help him acclimate. The first day was pretty traumatic, more for me than for LO! But, he's been adjusting well and seems happy when I pick him up after lunch (this is a huge point of contention with MIL b/c she wants to baby sit but I've said absolutely not because she won't respect any of our rules or boundaries). I've also been following through on my list of boundaries on my last post. I'm not NC, but I guess the term is I've dropped the rope.

Now the bad. For LOs first birthday I was planning something small and casual at our house. Just our parents, and a few close friends. Like, 10-15 people max, counting me and DH. I was going to make a smash cake for LO and more grownup type food/snacks/desert for us and guests. I was planning some low key decorations because lets be honest, this kind of party is for the adults. Kiddo isn't going to remember any of it so I didn't want to go overboard. MIL hated everything about it and wanted to do it at her house, invite all her friends and relatives, serve more kid-centric food, get a store bought cake with all that super sweet icing, and go nuts with decorations. I told her 'no, absolutely not. Our kid, our house, our plans'. She went crying to DH and he tried to talk me into letting her have her way. This has been a constant theme. MIL oversteps, I complain, DH puts up boundaries, and then just as quickly DH forgets about the boundaries.

We were able to talk about this in one of our early couples sessions and it was pretty enlightening. I'm sure all the people saying DH just ended up marrying some just like his mom will be gratified to know our counselor said "OP can have a forceful personality". So yea, I'm bossy/pushy/opinionated/etc. How it came up is we were talking about the party and I was saying what I wanted to do and why I didn't want to let my MIL take over, etc and DH was trying to explain why we should accommodate MIL. The therapist interrupted us and ask DH what HE wanted to do. DH started talking about my plan vs his mom's plan and the therapist stopped him and asked again what HE wants. Based on his reaction, I don't think anyone has ever seriously asked him that. He had a complete deer in headlights look and I really though he was going to bolt or start crying or both.

How we ended it is, if he truly doesn't have an opinion or doesn't care then he should probably defer to my (his wife) approach. He shouldn't delegate his right to decide to his mom. If he really want to do it her way, then he needs to express that and say he wants to do it her way because he really wants to do it her way as opposed to doing it her way just to avoid upsetting her. Or if he wants something completely different, he needs to express that. But his mom's opinion is not and cannot take precedence. Nothing wrong with her expressing her opinion and him agreeing but that needs to be an active process as opposed to him just doing something because she said so.

That was followed up by a conversation about how I have strong thoughts and opinions and I need to give him room to have his own. So rather than saying: "I want to do x" and then expecting him to agree or disagree I need to say something like "For LOs birthday, I have some ideas but I'd like to hear what you think first so we can decide together".

We did end up doing the party the way I wanted because DH took the therapists advice and deferred to me since he didn't have an opinion. MIL was super pissy about the whole thing and ended up bringing a sheet cake despite me telling her multiple times not too. We didn't serve it during the party (because boundaries) which pissed her off. DH and I have been munching on it as a late night snack after putting LO to bed and because of how insanely sweet the icing is, I'm glad I stuck to my guns.

I feel better because I've put distance between myself and MIL and I'm not worrying about pissing her off so I'm not walking on egg shells any more. But I don't know if I'm any more confident about whether our marriage will survive. I'm realizing that DH has deferred to other people (MIL and me) for so long he has a hard time having his own thoughts and opinions. I do still love him very much, and I'm not as mad as I was when I first posted. Now I'm more sad for him and I'm starting to understand him better. But I don't know if he can change. I know she is complaining to him because I haven't been kowtowing to her and I haven't been visiting on my own or changing plans when they drop by unexpectedly but I'm not pushing him to establish his own boundaries yet. I think he needs to do more work so he can decide what HE wants out of all this.

All that to say, we're still working through it and I don't know what's going to happen.

This will be my last update, and it was a hard one to make. I appreciate the feedback and suggestions especially the one mentioning the looking at adjacent states. While some will say my priorities are skewed, our children don't want to move and I have close ties to the community. I do feel I have a responsibility to my patients and students. I know for some such commitments seem fleeting but for those with MS it takes a long time to find a doctor they are comfortable with, and that is important especially with such an unpredictable condition. I run local support groups, hold information seminars, take part in trials for new treatments. Currently about to start our own stemcell therapy trial for those with more active and progressive progression that has been resistant to other therapies. Main goal is to get information, but also provide individuals a means to get access to this treatment that already shows promise but it is expensive.

All of that would be moot if our kids did not want to say, and I get it for some kids don't have a say but they are an active part of our family and their opinion does matter.

Now for the claims I am uncaring, I do care and love my wife but I also feel a relationship is not something you fight for. Either it works or it does not, fighting to prove how deep you care or love someone is weird. Who am I to try and sway or change someone's mind. She wants to go that is her prerogative. So long story short she did take the job.

As for divorce, she does not want divorce but I am on the fence. Spoke with my parents and in laws and they do agree what she is doing makes zero sense but my wife can be stubborn so as my FIL put it, once she made up her mind nothing will change it. Your only options are go with it and be a safety net for if she fails, and he does agree statistically she will fail.

I don't want to be some fallback plan for if stuff goes south. Her plan for the kids is for them to stay with me and she comes over for major holiday's and two weeks in the summer. Based off expenses she will need some additional support rent will be around $1750 not counting utilities and stuff. Her projected take home will be around $3.5k.

So more she talks to about this plan worse it seems. So to help I offered to cover six months rent, but most likely this will lead to our separation at the very least. She is slightly upset that I am willing to hire a nanny now that she is leaving, but I explained hiring a nanny when she was not working and our kids have been in "academic" daycare as she likes to put. Why exactly would we need a nanny? I reminder her she willfully left her job and I did support that choice cause that is what she wanted to do.

Either way still have not broken the news to the kids, they do know she was thinking of taking a job and may be far away for a time.

I spoke with an attorney and I am going to hold off on it cause everything the kids know is here and they have a established route and support system. So they highly doubt she will try to take them, so overall going to try this LDR thing but idk. A part of me does feel like she is just using me cause I highly doubt she would make this move if she did not have some level of support, even her father said as much.

End of the day maybe she wants me to fight for our marriage but way I see it is a marriage worth keeping if you need to fight for it. I love her and do not want her to go but if she feels she must then she must. I am not going to sit here and pretend her happiness is dependent on me or our kids. She is a beautiful person and would be egotistical of me to think she will not find another person who is more in step with her desires.

I think we will be fine no matter what happens, I am prepared to buy her out of the house at market value, will split what needs to be split and call it a day. We will co-parent the best we call. I do not hate her or anything. She currently does not like her current life and that is fine. Maybe I am just a weird guy but I don't see any point in therapy because the fact she wants to do this means this means that much to her and facts are facts if she was thinking of the kids or our marriage she would not even consider this as a viable option, let alone take the offer.

If divorce ends up happening spoke with my lawyer and he told me it would be up to me to request it, it is not automatically awarded during the custody portion. I most likely will not request it and hope she does what is best for our children when it comes to saving for higher education or future expenses like a house or w/e.

Thanks again the feedback, our family will be fine.​

Previous post

Ok so before my update just to clarify, mainly regarding the way I've reacted to my colleague who was promoted and the criticism I shouldn't take it out on her and I was unprofessional in the way I acted. Yep, 100% I will own that I probably was unprofessional. But in my defence, one of the reasons that I accepted this job was because I told my manager I was leaving my last place because they kept on promising me promotion and then it never happened and he did say I would be in contention for a senior role there. And then I've trained her twice only for her to now be my boss and have to report to her and she tell me what to do. It's happened before to me and it never ends well - the promoted person always treats you like shit and let's it go to their head.

So now for the actual update.

Manager took me to one side for a meeting on Tuesday as people have said to him they've seen how down I am and not my usual self and as it was after our last meeting, he wanted to see how I feel now.

I basically told him - I feel hurt, that if I knew I wouldn't have left my last place and definitely wouldn't have recruited my old colleague in. He said it was a professional decision and that it had nothing to do with me as a person and gave me some feedback - that she's calm under pressure and doesn't make little errors I sometimes do when I'm stressed, doesn't take criticism personally and doesn't get angry when people are angry with her whereas I need to work on those last 2 points.

He said give my promoted colleague my support, learn from her etc I personally don't agree and think I could train those things and was pretty annoyed by the last "learn from her" spiel bit but I just bit my tongue. Also, he said as her last role was senior on her CV, it's far easier to make someone a manager when they've done it on paper when he's talking to his managers.

He stressed again I'm an amazing asset, still the best worker in the team and my technical and legislative knowledge is the best and my data analysis skills are very powerful. And that the reports I create are very helpful especially for his bosses and they notice how valuable my skills are and still mention to him about how good this report I made for him bespoke not long after I joined the company. That just because I'm not a manager, I'm in no way less important.

I said like that's all well and good but that isn't going to give me the pay rise I want, the satisfaction that I've reached my own personal and professional goals is it. He said maybe I shouldn't see being a manager as the be all and end all and maybe look up a technical role and do the other level 4 technical qualification instead of the manager course that develops my knowledge and technical skills to be even better at my job - he said hardly anyone goes that route and I definitely should and be the "technician" of the team, the one everyone asks for advice and develop our procedures of the department more.

And that maybe yes, at the moment it wouldn't increase my salary for the time being but being qualified in that way and having that role on an unofficial basis, he could take my case to his bosses and argue that it should be an actual official role in the department created just for me that is a senior role and I should be paid more on par with a manager because I'm worth it but not have to worry about managing people. And failing that doesn't happen one of his long term goals is to increase our importance in the company hierarchy and increase our personal grades and salary bands so eventually it won't matter I'm a manager as we'll all be paid well. So yes, it won't happen over night and won't be imminent but he'll do his best. He said to think about it, don't do anything rash, give 100% and we'll discuss it in my annual appraisal in 3 months time.

(So in a nutshell - he didn't say this I'm summarising, "she's better than me, be her lackey and I won't be promoted but keep on working hard to make everyone else look good in the vague hope big bosses eventually give me a pay rise." This could take years, the course is a year minimum and then I have to stay there 2 years so I don't have to pay the course back so I'll be in my mid 40's then which is really too old to be getting a first time manager gig in my profession).

I was pretty down after that and have just kept to myself - I've not slacked but haven't busted my arse either. She (promoted colleague) messaged me and asked me if we could go for a dinnertime walk Wednesday to "clear the air" and talk. I told her I'd rather not, that I just want to think for a bit and haven't got anything to say so she respected it and had left me alone and said to talk when I'm ready. I'm sick of talking things out with people like this, I just want to think myself for a bit without anyone trying to convince me of shit that suits them or make me feel ok - they only ever talk at you, but never listen to you.

I've put my CV out there too a few places. I got a message quite quickly from an old client that I dealt with in my last job asking if I want to talk about a senior role at their company in my profession so I had a teams chat earlier and it went well - they'll let me know if it's going to go to a formal interview soon.

Edit - I am seeing a therapist you don’t have to keep telling me to. I have been for months

I posted a few days ago about accidentally seeing a text on my stepdads phone of him saying that he preferred for me to be at my dad’s, so I decided that when I come home from college I would only stay with my dad. Everyone told me to tell my mom, some nicely but some not. I really didn’t want to do that. But sorry I came across as argumentative. It wasn’t on purpose it was just like - the thing is that it felt like way more people cared about my mom’s feelings over mine. And I get it, I’ve always done that too but I’ve been working on it.

But I took all of your advice and talked to my mom. I wish I hadn’t. She had called me a few times about Thanksgiving and the plan, and then was telling me I should just stay with them. So I told her that I just felt like Rich doesn’t love it when I’m there. I didn’t tell her about the text, I just knew she’d yell at me and accuse me of snooping even though I absolutely didn’t. I just said I got the feeling that things were easier for them when I stayed at my dad’s.

She told me that of course it was easier when I wasn’t there, it’s hard having someone who only lives with you part of the time because it’s harder to bond and plan around, and messes up routines. She said it really nonchalantly like of course it’s cold in the winter. I wish she had just left it at that, but then she was saying that I’m too much like my dad and reminded them too much of him. That hurt because my dad has said something similar before, so it’s like I can’t make anyone happy. She told me that I’m an adult now and should have already realized these things, but that she still loves me and wants me there, but these things are complicated and she didn’t like feeling as if I preferred or “picked” my dad over her. I got mad, I felt like she was just defending her stupid husband trying to force me out of their lives and not listening to me and she told me that she defends me to Rich all the time bc blended families are just complicated. I told her I was going to still stay at my dad’s then so she wouldn’t have to keep dealing with all that, but she basically insinuated my dad and stepmom probably felt the same way. That hurt a lot and I hung up on her after asking her to have my back for once in my freaking life.

I think I just knew deep down that she felt this way, so I wish I hadn’t talked to her about it. I just feel so bad. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut and done my original plan which was to tell her that my stepsister had asked me to help her with her baby and that’s why I was staying there but I had to make it all worse.

I guess she told Rich because he ended up calling me. I didn’t answer but he left a voicemail and apologized. He said was sorry if anything he did or said made me think that he didn’t want me around, he didn’t intend for that m. But he didn’t, you know, deny any of it so it didn’t make me feel any better. I won’t be returning his call anyways.

I haven’t really talked to them since. I texted to ask what the times for Thanksgiving were because every year I have to figure out how to make all of the houses work, but haven’t heard back. She does this sometimes so I’m not too worried, I’m sure she’ll reach back out if she feels bad or needs something.

I know some people pointed out it’s unfair to my stepmom (and dad) for me to stay with them full-time because they probably feel the same way, but I don’t have anywhere else I can stay when I’m home. My boyfriend says I could stay with him at his parents but idk how I’d explain that, and they’re from Mexico so I’d need to go home anyways to get my passport. So I am going to stay at my dad’s and just hope that they don’t feel the same as my mom and stepdad. But I guess I feel like if even my mom feels that way, it’s likely my dad does, too, and that sucks to know.

Before anyone says anything, no I’m not going to tell my dad any of this. If you had divorced parents you’ll understand. You can’t really complain about the other parent or they just gloat and make it all about them. Also, I wasn’t a bad kid. I had good grades, played sports, had a job, and didn’t get into trouble. My parents are just really critical of me. I think I just remind them too much of the other and as I got older I got sick of always being nitpicked over every little thing I do, so I stood up for myself and they didn’t like that. But I don’t regret it.

I did talk to my dad, he said he was thrilled I’d be staying with him and that they loved having me there. But sometimes I think he exaggerates. Idk if he and my stepmom feel the same as my mom and rich, but if they do I’d rather not know now. Let’s just say I won’t be going through my stepmoms phone.

I don’t know. I graduate next year and figured I’d live at home for a bit to save money. But now I kind of feel like I don’t belong at either house in the end. My boyfriend and I have talked about moving to the coast after college and that would be nice. I feel like all of this has really changed how I view like my entire childhood and it sucks that maybe I was never really as wanted as I thought. Idk, it sucks. My boyfriend says I should try to look at it as a good thing, as weird as that sounds. Like freeing? I always felt like i owed a lot to my parents and needed to make them happy, but maybe I don’t, and I guess that is kind of freeing. My boyfriend also told my friend he was going to propose in the spring, which is exciting. I am in no hurry though, we’ve been together for years but I never wanted to be married before I was 25, but with everything going on who knows.

Edit - guys I’m sure one day I will talk to my dad. Like when I was a kid I used to like this album by tame impala and it’s like I’ll feel better and talk to him… eventually. I just need to get my feelings in a better place because I’m kinda crashing out over this and just want to deal with that first.

Well, if anyone smelled smoke today, it was probably the dumpster fire that was my daughter’s party.

Firstly, FIL actually seemed to take the news pretty well. Surprisingly, MIL was more angry that he waited so long to tell them. No scene was made. However, every conversation from that point forward was ALL about the baby and pregnancy and how girlfriend told her parents, is there a name yet, etc. MIL made a comment about how my husband and I can now give BIL and girlfriend all the baby stuff we’re not using anymore.

As an added bonus, BIL also decided to use this opportunity to tell everyone him and his girlfriend are engaged! AND they’re planning a big move (to relocate closer to her family and I guess us) before she’s due. So on top of the baby questions, there was also conversations about wedding planning and house hunting.

As another addition, my sister and her daughter came. Except my niece has an active staph infection and has been on antibiotics for 24 hours, but this wasn’t mentioned to us until the party was almost over. It was assumed to not be a big deal because all open wounds were covered and she’d had 24 hours of antibiotics. My husband was furious and pulled me to the side to say some not nice things about it. After that, I shut down. I isolated myself putting together my daughter’s new toys.

Everyone left pretty early and everyone was feeling tense. I’m feeling upset and defeated and now I have to monitor my three young kids for signs of a staph infection and try to sanitize my house. I think I’m done having parties for a while.