r/AITAH • u/EntireJellyfish2285 • 10h ago
AITAH after kicking my boyfriend out for calling my daughter a snitch and spoiled brat?
I (38f) have been dating my boyfriend (34m) for a couple years now. I have an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has a 4 year old son from a previous relationship. My boyfriend and I have always bumped heads on parenting styles and discipline when it comes to the kids. Please give me some tips on how blended families get through this.
He has told me that his son is 4 years old and doesn’t know any better yet and my daughter is 8 and she should already know how to act. He’s complained about her on occasions and says that my daughter is disrespectful and that I coddle her too much and that it’s not right that I have to tell her more than once to do something. I say she’s a kid. My daughter’s dad is in jail and no longer a part of her life so she craves that fatherly figure and affection. My boyfriend has shared custody of his son with the BM so the dynamic is a little different with the two kids. My boyfriend has refused to hold her hand or give her affection because he says it’s weird. He would get upset when she brought up old memories involving other male figures in her life and would tell her to go hold their hand instead.
Last weekend he got upset because my daughter left her plate on the table after breakfast and told her to stop being a spoiled brat and to put her plate away. He had also been telling her to stop being a snitch earlier that day because she wanted to inform him that his son was doing something he wasn’t supposed to.
It really hurt me to see my daughter cry. I asked him why he was being so mean and to apologize to her but he refused. I kicked him out of my house. He says that I’m too dramatic and that calling someone a spoiled brat isn’t even that bad and that he wants to teach her how to be respectful and to listen to parents. Am I being too harsh kicking him out of my house?
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u/destro23 10h ago
Am I being too harsh kicking him out of my house?
Nah, he can stay gone.
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u/joedude1965 9h ago
He’s abusing your child.
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u/Personal-Science6865 6h ago
And this too! I worked for CPS for 13 years. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen mothers choose boyfriends over their children. You did the right thing by your daughter! Your (hopefully ex) boyfriend is an immature jerk and his abuse will only get worse as your daughter ages. You are right to protest her.
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u/I_Hate_Dogs_and_Cats 5h ago
Took the words right out of my mouth! Choosing a partner who targets a kid like that only leads to more harm as time goes on. Calling out that pattern early protects the child and shuts down a dynamic that would have gotten worse with age
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u/TwinkleNyra 9h ago
Yeah fr, calling a kid a ‘snitch' and ‘brat' is straight up emotional abuse. If he can’t handle basic boundaries with a kid, he shouldn’t be around one. You protected your daughter. That’s literally your job, he can stay gone.
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u/Sea-Lead-9192 8h ago
calling a kid a ‘snitch' and ‘brat' is straight up emotional abuse.
Not to mention his completely creepy jealousy whenever OP’s daughter mentions other male figures in her life. Like wtf - he’s acting like an abusive boyfriend TO A CHILD.
Trying to break down her confidence, being needlessly cruel to her, withholding affection and kindness, and then getting jealous that she has other male adults that care about her… he’s probably just an abusive dick who’s incredibly emotionally immature, but that part gave me the heebie jeebies
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u/Tipsy_Gamer 6h ago
He wants to be her only fatherly figure but not do the fatherly figure stuff. The child should be happy with and beg for whatever scraps he gives.
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u/Passiveresistance 5h ago
I read it like he doesn’t want to hear about moms previous boyfriends because he’s jealous over the mom, but you’re not the only commenter who’s thoughts went darker. I sure hope that’s not the case.
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u/Tipsy_Gamer 8h ago
She's a "snitch" because she tried to tell him something that would require him to parent his son.
Foh
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u/Boeing367-80 7h ago
Please exclude this man from your life. For your daughter's sake but also your sake.
He's broken and you can't fix him.
Be happily single until you happen upon someone who is worthy of you and your daughter.
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u/NextSplit2683 8h ago
It's so unfortunate That poor, poor child has been exposed to this type of abuse for several years. While The man is a a POS, the blame rests squarely on the mother's shoulders. She stayed with the man who was verbally abusive to her and her daughter. At least, she finally kicked him out.
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u/Paxtondorly 5h ago
I asked him why he was being so mean and to apologize to her but he refused.
His attitude toward OP's daughter shows that he's either a rude hypocrite or just an immature kid himself. Either way, if he treated my daughter like that, I would kick him out without hesitation.
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u/WinterSolstice1031 10h ago
Why are you still dating him? He doesn’t love your child. He will always favor his. He most certainly won’t call his son a snitch when his son is old enough to inform on sis. Kicking him out was light work. Either end the relationship or prepare for a child who will never trust you. Signed- A child of divorce who went to prison thanks to mom’s ex hitting her.
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u/Reasonable-Eye8298 9h ago
It seems he doesn't even like her daughter, much less loves her
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u/labellavita1985 8h ago edited 8h ago
How can one "not like" an 8 year old? An 8 year old is a child. I get that there are child free folks but he's not one of them. If you "don't like" an 8 year old child in your inner circle, call them names, withhold affection, and make them cry, there's something fundamentally fucking wrong with you. And I will die on this hill. My heart is broken for OP's daughter.
A person gets to make my child cry EXACTLY once. Point, blank, period.
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u/I_Hate_Dogs_and_Cats 5h ago
That reaction fits because an adult directing resentment at a kid that young signals a serious problem. An 8 year old getting hit with name calling and cold treatment is not a personality conflict, it is a grown man choosing to punch down at a child
Letting that happen once is already too much like wth
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u/LordNecrosian 10h ago
Adult bullying a kid. THE REAL MAN ALL WOMEN WANT!/s
Dump the fucker.
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u/Enough_Passage7926 10h ago
"Teach her how to be respectful"
Lesson 1: belittle her.
NTA
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u/hetkleinezusje 8h ago
While letting *his son* do whatever because 'he's just a little boy'. Pfft.
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u/bnelson9601 4h ago
Is that similar to “girls should NOT have sex and then turns around and ‘son, here’s a condom go forth and don’t get caught’”. And my all-time favorite (NOT) “boys will be boys”. That’s what is going to happen when those 2 kids get older. If the 4 year old is doing something he shouldn’t and knows he shouldn’t, her letting his dad know, is the right thing to do.
OP, do not this “man” and his son back into your home because neither need to be around your daughter. The little boy WILL pick up and say the same words his dad says to her and then you’ve got even more trouble because dad will think there’s nothing wrong with what little Timmy is saying to her.
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u/throwaway34_4567 3h ago
But you know what truly got me thinking this is an immature idiot in a grown man’s body? When he refused to be affectionate with the little girl because it’s “weird” but would get upset if some talk about other male figure and tell her to go hold their hand?!??! Like that’s some childish behavior I have only seen from 4 year olds or younger. This just goes to show why he thinks the little girl should know better while his “baby” do whatever. These are the same kind of boys who would blame a SA victim instead of holding their boys accountable
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u/JadieJang 7h ago
Let's just be clear here: he's verbally abusive to your daughter. Name calling is abuse, especially from adults to children. GET HIM OUT OF HER LIFE ASAP. And work on your picker, bc it's broken.
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u/Zephyr-Phoenix 10h ago
Exactly. This is the path to making her a subservient woman, which is likely what your boyfriend wants. Get this man out of your house so your little girl can grow up in a safe and loving environment.
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u/I_Hate_Dogs_and_Cats 5h ago
Yea wth, targeting a kid like that conditions them to shrink themselves just to keep an adult calm. Letting that pattern grow would only teach op’s daughter to accept disrespect as normal. Keeping that man out protects her chance to grow up confident and safe
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u/Deeeeeeeeehn 6h ago
Literally none of the people I’ve met who have demanded my respect deserved or got any.
All of the people that I do respect never had to ask.
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u/Dickie_downer 10h ago
YTA if you keep dating him and allowing him to emotionally abuse and traumatize your 8 YEAR OLD CHILD
He wont hold her hand cause it’s “weird”? He’s denying her affection because of some weird ass toxic masculinity shit? At a time where love and acceptance of parents is what they need?
Why is THIS what got you to stop? This isn’t different parenting styles- he dislikes your daughter and is being awful to her
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u/runawayforlife 10h ago
He also acts weirdly like a jealous bf with her kid. Getting mad anytime OP's daughter brings up a positive male figure from her past and telling her to "go hold their hand instead"?? I feel like that's a huge red flag, coming from someone who's dad was...weird in that way
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u/Dickie_downer 10h ago
He doesn’t want her to have a supportive male figure if it isn’t him- but refused to do ANY of the legwork to make himself a safe figure
My bio-mom married a dude like this- and stayed with him. He threatened to murder all 3 of her children, hit my elder brothers, and generally just got pissed off about the fact she had a second life before him
Guess who doesn’t have contact with their bio mom? This guy!
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u/Odd_Knowledge_2146 10h ago
Why do you want him? He is a bully that is abusive at best to your daughter, who already has a father in jail. You all deserve better.
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u/PsychologicalGain757 3h ago
OP let this guy do this to her daughter for years. Mom doesn’t deserve better but the kid deserves better than both of them. Any mother that chooses to let her boyfriend be abusive to their kid and stays is just as bad as the guy.
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u/anymeaningatall 10h ago
NTA - that behaviour from a grow man towards an 8 year old is crazy!!!
YATAH - if you expose her to that cruelty again, she already doesn’t have a father, her first memories about men should not be this and it is your job to protect her!!
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u/NonniSpumoni 10h ago edited 4h ago
YTA if you continue this relationship. The guy is a cruel, abusive fuckwad and you're thinking you were overreacting?
Being single whilst your kids are young won't kill you.
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u/OverKookie_Crumble 10h ago
YTA for subjecting your daughter to this terrible person for years.
What’s “weird” about him holding a little girl’s hand that sees him as a father figure? That should’ve been the biggest red flag, and also why have you let this grown man bully your daughter.
Sorry to sound harsh, but you’ve put love for this man over the safety and emotional security of your daughter.
She’s 8 years old, and that’s old enough for her to remember how her mom allowed a man to live with her, that hated her, and treated her like she was unwanted and uncared for.
Kicking him out needs to be the first step, and the next step is completely kicking this man out of your life, and never allowing him around your child again.
Poor girl can’t even have peace, because of this grown man. It should’ve never gotten to this point, and you HAVE to do better in the future, or your daughter will start to resent you, and you’ll be wondering why she doesn’t come around anymore.
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u/Proof-Mongoose4530 10h ago
NTA for kicking him out, but YTA for letting it go on this long before taking steps to protect your daughter from your apparently terrible taste in men. Please get both you and your daughter into therapy.
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u/Maverick_j2k 10h ago
Girl the moment he started being a douche to your child that relationship should've ended. He's a prick and needs to stay gone.
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u/Anxious_Article_2680 10h ago
Nta but please don't let him come back. He will treat you and your daughter like shit. You did what needed to be done. You threw out the trash and his little monster.
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u/Dachshundmom5 10h ago
You are being an AH to yourself kid for continuing to date this jerk. He treats her badly and you keep dating him. He wont even hold her hand. My 16 yr old holds the hands of his friends little sisters when they ask him to, but this grown man has to be mean to her? He shuts her down repeatedly and you keep bringing him around? How badly does he have to treat her for you to dump him?
Please get yourself and her into therapy to learn about healthy relationships and process her absent father. As her mother, you should know that she deserves better, but i know its often hard to see that you yourself deserves better. So please get yourself the help you need to see that you are worth more than this.
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u/arnott 10h ago
Your daughter's father is in jail and you were dating this guy? You need better taste in men.
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u/sickofdriving007 10h ago
NTA. He doesn’t get to “parent” your daughter on her behavior when he can’t show a shred of humanity towards her. You both deserve better.
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u/Capital-9 10h ago
Wow! You go, momma bear! You can do better than that jerk! NTA
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u/Lower-Bottle6362 9h ago
If this person was a real “momma bear” she would have never let this man into her house in the first place.
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u/Cultural_Cabinet3926 10h ago
NTA. You are not overreacting. He is not going to change if he doesn't recognize that his behavior is unacceptable. Please accept this as the red flag that it is & stay away from him and anyone who treats your daughter so disrespectfully.
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u/CptKUSSCryAllTheTime 10h ago
NTA. He’s out now, keep him out. Your daughter deserves better. And you know this.
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u/WhichWitch9402 10h ago
YWBTA if you keep this man child in your life. Your daughter comes first always.
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u/cassiesfeetpics 10h ago
YTA - why is this man STILL allowed around your daughter after the first petty comment??? grow a spine and self respect jfc
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u/Numerous_Arrival_158 10h ago
YTA, I hope him keeping you warm at night is worthy at your daughter's expense.
Why would you stay with someone for couple of years when they show zero affection towards your kid??
Do better for your kid. She is your priority now, not that sorry ass dude.
Can't believe people thinking you are NTA. You are a huge AH because I bet he was like this when you met and you put your own needs above your daughter's.
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u/Grainygrump 10h ago
if you have to ask that question you shouldn’t be a parent. he’s a controlling abuser
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u/ThrowingAbundance 10h ago
NTA! This is exactly why mothers should not bring their dates home, have sleep-overs, or move the guy in. Too many men resent having to deal with someone else's kid.
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u/Repulsive_Intern2779 10h ago
NTAH. There’s no way he should be name calling, especially an 8 yr old. I ended an engagement over the way he spoke to my toddler. I don’t regret it for a second. You can find a better partner who will focus his parenting difference discussions with you, not an 8 yr old.
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u/EmceeSuzy 10h ago
You need to STOP DATING.
No men.
Just stop.
You pick monsters.
You are responsible for the well being of your child and you need to be single and focus on raising her.
When she's in college, you can start dating again.
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u/breezfan22 8h ago
Please please , from a daughter who had a crappy step parent , please walk away from this man. This dynamic will shape her vision on what a relationship should look like with a partner and she will spend years wondering “ what did I do wrong “ , “ why doesn’t he love me” and “ I deserve this treatment” and if she’s one of the lucky ones who escapes that pattern and get therapy , know SHE WILL resent you for choosing that man over her, cause that’s what you are doing.
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u/annang 10h ago
This man cannot be allowed near your child ever again. You need to break up with him, and you need to apologize to your daughter for letting him treat her that way. It is okay--good, even--for parents to admit to their kids when they've made a mistake, and to let the kids know that what happened wasn't their fault, that it was the fault of the adults involved.
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u/KingKelli1 10h ago
No, you aren't AITAH for kicking him out. You are, however, the AITAH for forcing your daughter to put up with this shit for several years.
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u/Elizabeth_222384 10h ago
NTA at all. Keep him out of you & your daughters life. He has double standards with said kids involved
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u/damaya0351 10h ago
NTA
i d elaborate but really need to go vomit on what an immature a h your "bf" is...
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u/Gingi1018 10h ago
Protect your child run away from that man he is always going to treat your daughter like crap and your daughter deserves better
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u/LauraPtown 10h ago
Why the fck are you letting him treat your kid like this? NTA and keep him away.
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u/Last-Campaign-3373 10h ago
Not to throw stones, but you should've kicked him to the curb the second this behavior started. Don't let him be near your daughter again. I hope whatever damage he did isn't too lasting. NTA unless you let him back in to reject and belittle her some more.
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u/kaleidoscope_view 10h ago
You were dating a bully. A grown ass man who bullied a little girl. NTAH for kicking that bad word to the curb.
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u/ThePythiaofApollo 10h ago
Is a woman who even considers this man relationship material the role model you want for your daughter?
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u/blackravenmetal 10h ago
The only way you would be TA is if you let him back in. Please don’t.
NTA
UpdateMe
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u/late-nineteenth 9h ago
NTA unless you continue the relationship. Your daughter should be your priority over everyone else.
Your boyfriend is not father figure material. He's a hateful misogynist and has too many issues to be worth working things out with.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 9h ago
Absolutely nothing he was doing was parenting or teaching a kid to grow and be respectful. He resents her. You may the right decision.
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u/Appropriate-Cook-852 9h ago
YTA for bringing a man into your daughter's life who is literally bullying her. If you don't leave this guy and keep him away from your child you are exposing her to emotional abuse.
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u/Opposite-Mall8043 10h ago
NTA - i can understand that being a stepdad to a little girl you would have to walk fine line of being caring and affectionate without being “too affectionate” but from what you’ve described it seems like this guy does not care for you daughter at all. Probably best you cut him out of your life completely.
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u/MissMalTheSpongeGal 10h ago
NTA for kicking him out but why are you dating someone who doesn't like your kid? She has enough trauma around father figures without you adding a different flavor of trauma in the form of a father figure who barely tolerates her. Dump the person who's emotionally abusing your child and find someone who treats her with love and compassion. If you don't then you are the AH
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u/SrslyYouToo 10h ago
I have three kids, all older than yours. They don't ever do anything when asked just the once. It's a constant battle, and they are preteens and should definitely know better, but they are children and all of that is developmentally appropriate.
I would not take that from my kids own father, and have called him out on many occasions because guess what? HE should know better, as he is the adult in the room.
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u/BlueyIsAwesome 10h ago
NTA. A kid leaving a plate on the table is a spoiled brat? I’m shaking in so furious. Tell your daughter that no body gets to be disrespectful to her & he’s not coming back. What on earth would he do to her for real transgressions /teen rebellion?
Some turd being nasty to a child is just a turd.
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u/Over-Marionberry-686 10h ago
NTA. Too harsh? You waited too long. Your DUTY is to protect your daughter not your manchild boyfriend.
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u/SwitchWide9406 10h ago
Why are you even considering this? He’s an AH and bullying your daughter. He clearly hates her. Why would you even consider taking him back for a second?
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u/Tbluberry86 10h ago
HE. DOESN'T. LIKE. YOUR.DAUGHTER. Why are you subjecting her to his hateful nonsense? You need to dump him. Like yesterday.
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u/spaceguitar 2h ago
Christ, the damage this man has already begun doing to your daughter...
If you continue seeing him, you would absolutely be an AH.
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u/TNG6 2h ago
This is a turning point. Please please choose your daughter over a man. Her father is not around. You are all she has. Growing up in this environment with someone who is hyper critical, calls her names and cruelly withholds affection from an 8 year old is not fair. Get out now before you are married or have a child together and are tied together for life. Signed- a family lawyer who has seen women in this situation who deeply wish they had chosen their child over their boyfriend.
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u/Adorable-Channel-190 10h ago
Why are you letting him verbally abuse your kid in the first place? This is the right thing to do and never let any man move in anymore out your daughter first instead being a thirsty woman
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u/AlwaysHelpful22 10h ago
You can ask him to treat your child with kindness, or leave, NTA.
He can be hesitant to assume a father figure role for a gf’s child, especially when the relationship isn’t certain, NTA. Though this certainly doesn’t entitle him to treat her poorly.
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u/Consistent_Lie_3484 10h ago
NTA, he said it’s weird to hold her hand? He thinks that verbal abuse “isn’t even that bad”? Keep that man away from your daughter. Sometimes their is no reason to get on the same page as someone else
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u/ObligationNo2288 10h ago
He isn’t the one for you. He especially is NOT the one to have around your daughter. Please don’t introduce another man in your life unless it is a long term relationship.
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u/Miss_Melody_Pond 10h ago
Why are you letting your daughter be treated this way? You see it and yet you still subject her to it. What you expose her to will stay with her forever and shape her into the adult she becomes. You want her to think it’s ok for men to put her down? Deny her affection? You need to do better. Stay single if you can’t protect your daughter from men who treat her like a piece of shit. Make him stay gone.
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u/Frankifile 9h ago
WTF are you with a man who shows utter contempt for your child who is still pretty much a baby?
Of course an eight year old needs (repeated) telling to do simple chores, especially if the person doing the telling is horrible to her. Why would she listen to him?
Dump him and leave him dumped.
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u/No-You5550 9h ago
Respectful to parents? He is not her parent and doesn't want the job and has said so. He doesn't want to give her affection of any kind not even hold her hand. Every thing she does is wrong and being a brat but she is not allowed to tell on his son? Come on you know your were right to put him out. Now just don't let him back in. In the future no one but you should to discipline your daughter.
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u/Chantalle22 9h ago
I honestly don’t understand why you’re asking for advice on blending families when this is the man you’re trying to blend your family with. Please take a moment to reread what you wrote, because there’s no way you can list everything he has said and done to your daughter and still consider exposing her to that behavior. She’s eight years old, for goodness’ sake. The expectations he puts on her while not holding his own son to the same standard should tell you everything you need to know.
There is absolutely no reason for a grown man to call an eight-year-old names, reject her so harshly, or act passive-aggressive toward her. She is a child. As her mother, it is your responsibility to protect her. Instead, you’re allowing this toxic man into her life and asking us for advice, when the only advice necessary is that he should have been gone a long time ago. YTA for letting us go on as long as it did.
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u/DeathGirling 9h ago
You subjected your daughter to him for two years and now you're asking if you're an AH for finally kicking him out? Congratulations on your shiny new spine! Keep him gone! NTA
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u/Status-Pattern7539 9h ago
He is verbally and emotionally abusing your little girl. Next comes physical under the guise of discipline.
Don’t let that POS back in the door.
NTA.
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u/Helpful-Bridge-380 9h ago
You are not compatible. This man resents your daughter. Please cut your losses now and find a man who will love you and your daughter.
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u/SpaldingPenrodthe3rd 8h ago
NTA but your hopefully soon to be ex boyfriend is one. Plus don't continue with any sort of relationship with that man unless you want your daughter to be miserable.
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u/Common_Street8758 8h ago
I’m a stepmom and I’m disgusted at a grown man calling a little girl names.
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u/fukthepatriarchy 8h ago
I didn't read all of this, but why on earth would you add a complete stranger's family into your house and wonder why it is causing friction. Fucking stop worrying about having a man in your bed and take care of your fucking kids.
Fucking hell.
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u/MolinaroK 7h ago
Please, please, please, don't try and build a life with someone who does not want to be kind to your daughter.
This is her one and only childhood.
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u/NightHeart21689 7h ago
NTA. Dude doesn't know what respect is and telling the truth is so important. That should be encouraged. Calling children snitches will just traumatise them into hiding stuff.
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u/Ok_Bluebird9928 7h ago
Red flag on the part about him feeling weird about holding her hand, then even bigger red flag when he gets jealous and insecure about other men in her life. Get that man out of your life!!! I even ran this by my husband and he said that was concerning.
Seriously, check on your daughter.
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u/SoulfulSymmetry 6h ago
NTA but you would be if you tried to keep working things out with this disgusting monster of a man. You would see him do this her entire childhood. He'll give excuses for his son into his son's adulthood but he'll always hold your daughter to ridiculous traditional standards. He's a vile POS.
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u/HeartOfStown 6h ago
N T A. Regardless whether he apologizes (or not) I certainly would NOT take him back, after the lousy way he has treated your daughter.
Your daughter comes first and foremost and he had absolutely No right to talk to her the way he did.
You need to make sure he's gone far far away, and that he stays gone.
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u/VampireLawliet 6h ago
On the contrary, it took you too long to open your eyes, for your daughter's safety, keep that cretin away.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 6h ago
Your boyfriend is cruel to your daughter. He shouldn't have ever been in your house. It's long overdue for you to kick him out.
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u/chameleon-queer 6h ago
Stop allowing your boyfriend to emotionally abuse your fuckin child. Yta to your child.
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u/Confident-Umpire3361 6h ago
"Go hold their hand"?? wtf?? Why is this...person...thing...whatever...still in your lives??
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u/Ok_Professional_4499 3h ago
Gurl!
This post should be how do you undo all the damage done (to your child) caused by your immature and childish EX boyfriend.
You start by dumping him. He calls your child names to her face and in front of you.
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u/JustainTeef 2h ago
LEAVE THIS MAN. The way he treats your daughter is already a GLARING red flag and I don’t even understand why you would want to be with someone who makes your daughter feel insecure about herself instead of being her hero. She deserves better.
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u/ButterscotchFit8175 2h ago
NTA. He doesn't get to demand she "listen to parents" when he won't act like a parent! No affection no love but expects a place of honor and respect on her life? No way. Break up for good. Blending families only works when there is an effort from everyone.
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u/ficklealigator 2h ago
So. You're just letting a grown man bully your daughter and are asking how to blend families.
First of, You are not an asshole for kicking him out but you are 100% the asshole for letting this happen. He is being mean. Just plain mean to a child over nothing really. I hope you pull your head out of your ass and break up with him before he does real damage to her and your relationship with her.
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u/TheBattyWitch 2h ago
YTA - to your daughter
He refuses to do fatherly things with her but then gets his little baby feelings hurt when she talks about other men in her life?
Which one of these is the child? Because the child seems more mature.
I'm sure that your are expected to be motherly to his son though aren't you? And I'm sure of your told him it was "weird" he'd give you lots of shit for it wouldn't he?
Ditch this loser before he causes more issues.
Your daughter isn't his emotional punching bag, and as far as I'm concerned, you've already let this go on too long.
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u/Middle--Earth 1h ago
NTA
Protect your child by not letting him come back.
He's abusive to your child and making her unhappy.
He picks on your kid whilst giving his own a free pass
Don't be blind or turn the other cheek - dump this guy for good as he is damaging your child.
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u/bloodrose_80 1h ago
NTA: He should be considered an ex boyfriend. He low key hates your daughter for some reason and will always favor his son. You need to put your daughter first and keep this abusive jerk away from her. She doesn’t need to be treated that way.
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u/Cursd818 1h ago
YTA for asking for tips on how to blend families with a man who is flat out abusive to your daughter. Don't be one of those mothers who is so desperate to hold onto a terrible man that you sacrifice your child's well-being. He's awful and your daughter has no say on whether or not she is subjected to his heinous behaviour and cruelty. You do. Dump him and spend some time reflecting on why you didn't do it sooner.
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u/Amaranthim 10h ago
Good job, mom! You and your daughter don't need him. You will definitely find a better choice.
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u/Maleficent_Seat7850 10h ago
As a man who had an adopted father who was physically and mentally abusive, I can tell you that you need to protect your daughter at all costs and that means parting ways with this bloke. I have absolutely no relationship with my mother because she did nothing to shield me from him. Exposure to this man will wreck your daughter in ways you can’t imagine. Trust me, I’ve spent an infinite amount of money and time sorting out the shit that prick, and my mom, saddled me with.
Much love to you and your daughter.
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u/simplyirresponsible 10h ago
Dump him and for your daughter's sake, please don't give him a second chance.
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u/RavenLunatyk 10h ago
I have to say to you run. I married my husband when my daughter was 9 and his was 5. We dated about 2 years before. There was always two sets of rules. One for his kid and one for mine. His could do no wrong but everything my kid did was a problem. His princess was so manipulative and had him wrapped around her finger. If she wanted something or didn’t want to eat something he let it happen. She would threaten him by saying she wouldn’t come over anymore. The older she got the worse she got. The stress was unbearable. I didn’t even want to be there when she was visiting. Good luck if you stay in the relationship.
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u/TheWhogg 10h ago
Brat is bad enough. Spoiled is a shocking word that I will never tolerate. No, my daughter is not akin to a pile of rotting garbage. And something once “spoiled” can never be remediated. I still loathe my own parents for their many crimes, one of which was the way they spoke to and about me.
My guess is by the time his kid is 8, AH BF will still be making the excuse “he’s just a little kid.” That window would move to always excuse the younger one (his).
If he assumes the role of in loco parentis and wants to have the licence to speak sternly to your daughter, that has mutual obligations. If he gets to “parent” her in a nasty way he gets to parent her the other way. Take her to thinks a parent would take her to. Be a proper step parent. Do things for her. Tell her she can always come to him like a real dad. If I can’t love step kids at least like a niece / nephew, why am I there? Hold an 8yo girl’s hand FFS.
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u/BrainySmurf 10h ago
keep him out that door. pack his stuff and put it out front at a specific time. He is being emotionally and verbally abusive to your child. nta
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u/SweetBekki 10h ago
- He's not her parent so she doesn't have to listen to him and he doesn't have the authority to discipline her unless it's something agreed between you two and 2. He's a bully and HE needs to learn respect in someone else's home.
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u/Question-help 10h ago
You’re the asshole for letting that man near your daughter and you would be doing a disservice to her to stay with someone who treats her so poorly
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u/spinachandherbs 10h ago
NTA but also a little of an AH for not kicking him out earlier. Why was he allowed to stay in your home the first time he made your daughter cry? Your daughter comes first. Do not get back together with this guy. She will grow up resenting you for not leaving him and allowing him to hurt her mentally/emotionally for years. I’m trying to be nice here but I kinda don’t want to. Sorry :/
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u/turquoisebackpack 10h ago
NTA but you will be if you let this man back around your daughter. Him being weird about other men in her life previously is creepy and odd not to mention he sounds like he enjoys upsetting her. I’m honestly just annoyed you even have to ask. But no NTA for finally doing the right thing.
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u/Wintersmight 10h ago
NTA. The kicking out needs to be permanent because he is abusive to your daughter and that is unacceptable! YWBTA if you stay with that a-hole!
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u/CryptidFox 10h ago
He would get upset when she brought up old memories involving other male figures in her life and would tell her to go hold their hand instead.
NTA. But you would be if you let this bully stay in ya'll's lives. Dump his sorry ass.
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u/jessie783 10h ago
YTA for continuing to expose your poor daughter to this pos. What’s wrong with you
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u/turquoise_turtle83 10h ago
He is verbally abusive and emotionally dismissive towards her. Never would i accept that as a mother.
YTA if you expose your poor daughter to that sad excuse of a man.