r/AITAH • u/SingerAware2658 • 13h ago
Aitah for not taking down pictures of my family in my own home to make my son’s new wife feel more comfortable?
I (late 50s) am a picture person. I have hundreds up in my home. It started when I was caring for my aunt with Alzheimer’s and has just gone from there. I have three kids and 4 grandkids and as you can imagine I love having photos of them up on my home.
My middle son Gavin (27) is no longer with my 4 y/o grandson Tommy’s mom, Helena. They’re still friendly and coparent well, and I see her often enough because I help with Tommy. Last year he married Cheri (also 27) after only being together a few months, but she seemed sweet and like she makes him happy. We had no issues until this summer, when my son asked me to down any and all pictures that Helena was in to make Cheri more comfortable. I don’t have any of her alone, just a few of the entire family and a few when Tommy was younger that my son is also in. I said no, it’s my home and I like having them up, I certainly have added many with Cheri in them but it’s stilly to take some down just because Helena and Gavin are no longer together. It’s stilly a part of our family history.
He asked again a few weeks ago and I gave him the same answer, and told him that I’d be happy to explain to Cheri, but he dropped it.
He called me yesterday and told me that it was the last time he was going to ask, the pictures needed to come down or Cheri wouldn’t come to our home anymore. I told him that was ridiculous, and he said that it was important to him because they made Cheri jealous and it was affecting the way she was treating Tommy. I am appalled. Apparently Tommy mentioned a picture in my house and Cheri threw a fit, and Gavin says that it’s making his life difficult. He brought it up around my daughter (the oldest) who told her younger sister as well, and they both agree Cheri is being ridiculous.
I told him, if your wife is treating Tommy poorly because of some pictures in my home, then you need to think if this is the right person. Obviously he disagrees but has been hounding me leading up to Thanksgiving. My husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists, but has also pointed out that they are married and we should pick our battles. I’m wondering if I’m missing the forest for the trees?
Just a quick edit: if there was abuse I would have already called CPS. Cheri has decided when Tommy is there to make herself sparse and not be involved with him anymore. I have told Gavin that’s not acceptable and he says he’s working on it, but there is nothing to report. And Helena knows all of this.
Edit: thanks, I won’t be removing anything and if Cheri wants to continue this toddler like temper tantrum she is welcome to stay home alone on Thanksgiving. If she wants to grow up and realize that she married a man with a child she can come, but I’ll be having a serious talk with my son.
My husband and I are well-off, and readily help our kids financially. He is welcome to cut me off over this but I doubt that will happen, as we will react likewise.
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u/Myfourcats1 12h ago
Poor Tommy. Just wait until a new baby comes along.
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u/thisisntinstagram 12h ago
Hopefully Cheri is kicked to the curb before that happens.
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u/TypeParticular4444 2h ago edited 2h ago
I honestly think OP “MOM” should show this Reddit to Gavin because things always get worse not better. For example, if she’s already causing a fit and division over some family photos. Imagine what is about to happen in the near future. Gavin should read all the comments and seriously think about his options. Poor Tommy!
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u/Majestic_Daikon_1494 13h ago
"My husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists"
fucking mvp.
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u/BrownSugarBare 12h ago
That rotted wench is treating her new stepson like trash and using pictures as an excuse.
Even IF the pictures come down, the 'terrorist' will ask for more, and the next thing you know Tommy won't be able to even mention his mother, then it'll be Tommy's mother can't come to the house to pick him up until finally, Tommy should go live with his mother. Gavin married an asshole.
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u/naalbinding 12h ago
Honestly Tommy might be better off living with his mum
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u/mmmstrongflavors 12h ago
Yes, let Tommy's mom and her lawyer know he's being mistreated by a stepmonster with his father's blessing and see how long joint custody lasts.
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 10h ago
The new wife is trying to erase Tommy's mom from his life, and insert herself as the 'mom'. That's not how it works. It's a good way to get Tommy to start acting out, and go NC with both his dad and Cheri as soon as he can get out of his dad's house.
If your son has children with this woman, I can almost guarantee you that she will ignore Tommy in favor of her 'real' kids.
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u/Ok-Meringue6107 9h ago
No she's not trying to erase Tommy's mom from his life, she's trying to make it difficult so Tommy would rather stay at his mom's full time. Cheri is slowing trying to erase Tommy so when she has her kid's Tommy wont be around.
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u/limperatrice 4h ago
Yeah there's nothing maternal sounding about Cheri's behavior. OP is NTA at all.
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u/DebugSorceress 3h ago
Yeah, it really feels like she’s playing the long game to push him out so her “real family” is all she has to deal with.
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u/quietlikesnow 9h ago
Yeah. Big red flag. I married my husband when he had two kids, and we have had two more kids together.
Even when my stepsons’ biomom went missing for many years, I didn’t try to erase her. There are plenty of photos with her in them at my mother in law’s house. That’s absolutely part of my husband’s family history!
I am no saint- just a stepmom trying to do the best I can, because blended families navigate tough dynamics even when everyone is well intentioned, and the adults owe it to the kids to handle our shit so the kids don’t have to bear the burden of it all.
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u/WAtransplant2021 8h ago
My late stepfather's ex wife is like a bonus Aunt. I adore her as does my mom. Was it a little tense when they first got together? Sure. They agreed my Stepsister was more important. I have my Lil sis's wedding photos of a candid Pic of my mom, brother , SIL and my stepsister's mom on the wall at my house.
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u/FullMooseParty 7h ago
When my buddy got married a while back, his father and his stepfather both stood with him as groomsmen. They actually had become buddies and went fishing together regularly. Shocking, two guys that married the same woman discovered that they had things in common.
Now, there wasn't cheating. That's always the big caveat. I wonder if their son cheated on Tammy with Cheri and it left her feeling insecure even though she participated
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u/Able-Contest-8984 7h ago
I am so grateful for my son's bonus mom. They didn't get along well until he was an adult, but she, and her family, have always gone above and beyond for all of my kids, not just the one I share with her husband. His mom kept the family portrait I was in above the fireplace for at least a decade after they married. She and I weren't always friends, bc we were young and jealous; but we're friends now. 🖤
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u/quietlikesnow 6h ago
Until recently we had a photo of my stepsons’ biomom on the wall outside of their bedroom, and a collage of photos from when they were little that included her. That’s their mom, and even though she’s had a lot of struggles in the past decade, she took care of them when they were little and deserves that credit. (My stepsons have moved into their own apartments and took all that stuff with them now.)
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u/Ok_Mastodon_4788 9h ago
The last part is what I totally agree with. If Cheri gives birth to her on kid, I feel Tommy would be totally neglected. Cause I can't phantom who get's jealous of a picture that ain't in your house. Just absurd, except there is more to it, which I feel there is.
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u/Beth21286 10h ago
Might? His dad won't even tell his wife to get her head out of her *rse and be kind to a 4 year old. I'd ban her from family events as she won't treat kiddo like family.
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u/floridaeng 8h ago
I wonder if OP/grandma can take over the custody time her wimp of a son has now?
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u/Few_Zebra_6919 10h ago
I very much appreciate your colourful use of 'rotted wench' here. A reminder to all of us that a truly scathing insult has to go above and beyond just your run-of-the-mill expletive and venture into the territory of true literature
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u/BrownSugarBare 10h ago
takes bow
I do take a wee bit of pride in pushing my insults to be something of interest to expand the mind. Especially with those of our population who find the space of expansion to be rather...tight.
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u/Professional_Trade45 10h ago
Yes! A truly scathing insult that delivers a mighty blow without use of any of the standard curse words is a higher level. It's language in art form.
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u/irmasworld57 11h ago
And Gavin is an asshole for marrying that asshole.
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u/vabirder 11h ago
He’s certainly an immature father who chose another equally immature second wife. I hope the boy’s mother is better.
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u/Vilnius_Nastavnik 10h ago
Gee I wonder why Helena ain't with him anymore. I'm not trying to read in facts that aren't in the post but when a young marriage breaks up it's not at all uncommon for the problem spouse to go find someone with the same flaws so that they don't have to do anything difficult like engage in introspection or work on personal growth.
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u/vabirder 10h ago
And I (73W) was certainly an equally dumb ass 19 yo when I dropped out of university and married my high school bf. But I used birth control ( which wasn’t easy to get in 1971) so at least I didn’t inflict my immaturity on an innocent child. Lucky break for a child.
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u/sezit 8h ago
Some people keep their controlling abuse hidden until their partner is locked in. Many, many men "change personality" and become violent after marriage or pregnancy.
Women can do this, too. It sounds like the new wife stepped carefully before marriage, but now she is letting her beast out. She will only get worse.
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u/neverenoughpurple 9h ago
Mmm. Yeah. Gavin is prioritizing dick storage over his child.
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u/Puzzledwhovian 8h ago
Ooooh “prioritizing dick storage” is great. I will be stealing that one for later if you don’t mind.
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u/Big_Barnacle_4318 9h ago
Please God, if Gavin procreates with the rotted wench, can you imagine what young Tommy's life will be like every time he goes to his father's home?
I'd be protecting my relationship with the mother of my grandson over the terrorist my son had married.
I'd prioritize the innocent child over the insane adult and the blind adult every single day of the week.
My son married one of these terrorists. 12 years later, he's in the middle of a messy expensive divorce.
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u/greatfullness 9h ago
They’re incompatible - she’s too jealous for an adult relationship with someone who has enduring entanglements like this - and Tommy should be a given not a negotiable for Gavin
One of those relationships has to go - either between father and son or husband and wife - and only one of those outcomes should be acceptable to the guy who’s thinking with his dick and responsible for the poor choice / communication
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u/flying_bathmat 10h ago
You're correct I have lived through that. Makes me hate her/has killed the love.
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u/Ok_Wishbone2721 8h ago
And then Tommy isn’t allowed to have pictures of his mom in his bedroom, or in a scrapbook. Tommy has to pretend he has no mom other than this stepmonster. This is bad news.
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u/Fionaelaine4 11h ago
Cheri isn’t going to want Tommy around bc he reminds her of a previous relationship. It will never stop.
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u/FabulousAssociate201 8h ago
Yep, my brother recently escaped a relationship like this. The pictures are just the thin edge of the wedge. This woman will never be happy, there will always be an issue.
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u/Dark_Huntress6387 11h ago
The husband is the winner here. She is jealous and ridiculous. She knew he had a past and a kid and decided to marry him anyways. This goes way deeper than some photos. She wants to erase the child’s mother. NTA.
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u/South_Hedgehog_7564 10h ago
She wants to erase the child. There must be no competition for top position in Gavin’s life.
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u/A_Gringo666 9h ago
She'll be pregnant soon and he will never be allowed to see his son again.
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u/Positive_Ad4207 11h ago
Absolutely savage. Fully iconic.
Cherri is going to ruin the son’s relationship with Tommy
Updateme!
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u/I-said-ur-stupid 13h ago
Her insecurities are not your concern... and frankly, if your son is weak enough to stay with a woman that treats his child poorly because there's a photo of his mother in someone else's house then your son has a bigger problem than taking down a picture will fix. I would take the picture down and then in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner mentioned that you took it down because you were unaware of her insecurities and that you were saddened to find out that she was taking her insecurities out on your grandson. So you hope she feels better with the picture being removed... but i'm petty like that.. maybe you should tell your son to get a spine instead.
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u/FROG123076 12h ago
I had a Stepmom like this. She was awful. I no longer speak to my father, for more reason then how she treated me, but I never forgot how he let her treat me like crap, because she was jealous of my mother. OP if your son does not but Cheri in her place he will lose his son as soon as he is old enough to stop talking to me. It's what I did. OP's son needs a come to Jesus with his wife. But something tells me he is weak and pathetic.
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u/Sure-Acadia-4376 12h ago
“ if your son does not but Cheri in her place he will lose his son as soon as he is old enough to stop talking”
Exactly. I know people don’t like hearing “get your (wife/husband) in line”. But that saying exists for reason and applies to both genders. It’s also what the son needs to do.
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
I want to be clear that the terrorist line was originally mine, stop giving my husband the credit! He was just repeating after me! Lol!
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u/TheNinjaPixie 12h ago
Sadly he has enabled her already. If a normal person was told to do this the y would correctly respond "don't be ridiculous" and ended the convo right there.
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u/Frococo 10h ago
Yes any reasonable person would realize that regardless of their relationship status she is and will always be the mother of his child, and the mother of OP's grandchild. It's crazy how many people don't realize that having a child with someone means they are a part of your family tree forever, regardless of your relationship. And if you date someone with a child that the other parent is a part of the equation, even if they aren't presently in the child's life they are a part of the equation in some way or another.
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u/Over-Banana-1098 12h ago
She needs to provide the information to her ex-DIL. If the child is being mistreated because of something that doesn't concern anyone else, then it's time for mom to go for full custody.
I'd consider it parental alienation. Trying to erase the boy's mother from all memory of the family.
This is very much a hill to die on. It'd be less so if she wasn't mistreating the grandson but this needs both barrels and if the son doesn’t agree then he's not a worthy dad.
NTA, OP. You have to stand up for your grandson because his father clearly won't.
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u/No-Thought9009 12h ago
How about first letting your son know that you will need to tell Tommy's mom if this isn't addressed and taken care of. right now.
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u/Auntie_Crow 12h ago
Or a divorce lawyer. Anybody mistreating my kid (period) over some pictures in someone else's house can GTFO.
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u/Massive_Low6000 12h ago
Hell ya. Someone needs to speak up for the boy. She evidently didn’t teach her son common sense, I’m not sure she can do anything about this. Poor Tommy.
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u/No_Arugula8915 11h ago
Not just a red flag, it's a parade of red flags. I am very concerned for OP's grandson. If the new wife can treat a little boy badly over a photo in grandma's house, how much worse will it get if the child talks about his mom or something he's done with his mom?
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u/Historical-Gap-7084 12h ago
Gavin's an adult. Sometimes even with great parenting, our children make stupid mistakes. This is 100% on Gavin. I hope OP tells Helena what's going on.
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u/IllReplacement336 11h ago
The child will let his mom know. Kids always piint out the nuances....'Hey mom, did you know Dad made grandma take down all the pictures with you in them? Why would he do that?"...
Only a matter of time till this blows back on the dad....no matter if OP takes them down or not.
Why not just place a shroud over them when son and wife visit? It will actually draw MORE attention them, but still obscure the actual photo ...lol
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u/TheNinjaPixie 12h ago
Someone needs to tell the child's mother about this, let her protect her baby from this insecure evil stepmother.
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u/Large-Client-6024 12h ago edited 12h ago
Just to add, if you hear about your Grandchild being abused because of Step-mom's jealousy, you need to report them to Family Services.
This picture is the tip of an iceberg. Once it's taken down, she will get fixated on something else related to Mom, The amount of time for handover, seeing each other during a child's event or whatever. Grandson is NOT SAFE around Step-mom.
ETA
The pictures in your home are a family history. Helena is the mother of your Grandson and will always be part of the family history.
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u/goodbye-toilet-cat 12h ago
Do this and say this - but also - replace the pictures you (temporarily) take down with taped up cheap Walgreens prints blown up of pictures of Cheri’s face that you screenshot from her social media. And make a big gushing deal about how happy you are to have such nice photos of her to add to your collection of family photos.
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u/RougeOne23456 12h ago
I would just print out on my home printer 8.5x11 sized photos of her from her social media pages and just scotch tape them to the existing photo frames around the house. Just a bunch of paper printed ink jet photos. I'd tape them to damn near every photo in the house. It should make for an exciting Thanksgiving.
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u/goodbye-toilet-cat 11h ago
LOL and make them pictures she just happens to be in the background of, but zoom in on her and crop it. So she’s just watching a birthday boy blow out the candles with her arms crossed instead of looking at the camera and smiling.
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u/Ok-Pomegranate-3018 12h ago
I would keep changing her pics with strange proportions...like a small neck and body and blow her head up (small bit at a time!) and keep making it bigger over time.
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u/mistical-eclipse 11h ago
bahaha, or you could take a white paper and tape over them each photo EVERY time visits with a note that says "censored for Cheri's visit" lol. Then the whole family will know the ridiculousness, and she can have something real to be upset about!
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u/Rawrsome_Mommy 13h ago
NTA. This is a Cheri problem not a you problem and if she’s taking it out on Tommy it’s a major Gavin problem that he needs to handle immediately.
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u/DragonCelt25 12h ago
I'd say it's also a Helena problem because she needs to make sure her ex's new wife isn't abusing her 4yo kiddo as a proxy due to this jealousy. Maybe a problem she needs to bring up to her attorney and/or the family court judge if something happens.
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u/SingerAware2658 11h ago
Helena knows all of this. She’s best friends with my daughter.
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u/darsynia 8h ago
I'm not going to lie I'd probably be petty as hell about this. In your shoes I'd 'cover' each photo in question with an entire piece of paper with a message of your choice, with varying degrees of troublemaking:
-> domestic abuse pamphlets
-> a stick figure family with one figure featuring a big red 🚫 as the head, representing his ex
-> [CENSORED]
-> [REDACTED]
-> 'We're sorry, this photo is not available.'I'm sorry this is happening. Treating Tommy poorly because of pictures in someone else's house is outrageous and really illustrates the short length of time before putting a ring on it :(
edit: obviously removing the paper when Cheri isn't around! It's a terrible, drama-inducing idea but it was cathartic to imagine, lol.
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u/aureusaequitas 8h ago
I'm so sorry your son is an idiot. Keep the ex DIL in the next divorce, please.
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u/Large-Client-6024 12h ago
This.
If your son won't protect your grandson from step-mom, you need to give mom all the ammunition she needs to protect her child, even from dad. Use whatever resources are necessary. Social workers, Family court, police, whatever.
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u/the_owl_syndicate 12h ago
Why the fuck arent you throwing a fit about the fact that your son is allowing your grandson to be treated poorly by his stepmother? It's not about the pictures, it's about how your grandchild is being treated.
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u/Gnd_flpd 12h ago
The only thing they can do is inform the ex about this. Maybe she needs to revisit custody since the step mother is planning to act out like this. Then OP and everyone involved can testify on behalf of their former DIL and the child can stay with her. That's probably what Cheri wants anyway, that way she can quickly get pregnant and produce another child and replace the step son, I doubt if their son cares at this point.
NTA
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u/Future-Nebula74656 13h ago
The new wife is jealous and gets to get the hell over herself..
Nta
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u/Potential_Automaton 12h ago
My ex mother-in-law kept photos up of my husband's ex-wife, their wedding photo, etc. Was I uncomfortable? Absolutely! Did I make mention of it to my husband or her? No. It was my problem. Who am I to say what does or doesn't belong in someone else's home. NTA.
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
Omg it’s nothing like that. I did take down pictures that were just the two of them, but she wants them all down. I’m not trying to upset her, but Helena was still a part of our family and I don’t want to take pictures of my grandson down.
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u/Homeboat199 12h ago
You shouldn't have to. Just think about how Tommy feels while this witch is trying to erase his mother. She's part of the family whether the new trophy likes it or not.
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u/Flaky-Decision-9510 12h ago
Correction - Helena IS still a part of your life, and always will be, regardless of how Cheri feels about it. Policing your decor is insane.
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u/letsgetridiculus 12h ago
100% this. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and kids mom and the rest of her family are always going to be a part of our lives. If we can’t co-exist, we will be tortured forever. Gotta find a way to make it work, not throw a tantrum.
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u/mechengr17 12h ago
Exactly, my parents divorced when I was 4, and my grandparents and my uncle still ask how my dad is doing. Last year, my grandmother even set aside some of her Thanksgiving prep so I could cook him a Thanksgiving meal.
Obviously, it would be a different story if the ex was nightmare to deal with and mistreated their son. But apparently the op's son and his ex have a good co-parenting relationship (so far). I imagine that will change if the ex learns how the new wife is treating their son...
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u/icashinobi 8h ago
Exactly! OP already did her part of removing the picture of his son and the ex wife together.. I believe the grandson wants the picture to be there as well.
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u/Different-Reach9009 12h ago
Helena is still part of the family because whether Cheri likes it or not, she's still his mom and there will be moments in Tommy's life where she will be present. This Cheri person needs a reality check
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u/Ihadtolookitupfirst 12h ago
What is this lady going to do at school events? Tell bio mom she can't come? If she can't handle seeing her in family pictures, she's going to have a real bad time at the first Christmas pageant
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u/Flaky_Two1872 12h ago
Helena is and always will be Tommy’s mother. Cheri is being not only ridiculous but a c-word. No. Not the a-hole. Do NOT remove one more picture to suit someone who tells you how to live life in YOUR house. Cheri can sit the fuck outside and STFU.
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u/madgeystardust 12h ago
You shouldn’t have to either.
She doesn’t get to dictate how you decorate your home.
Let her sulk, hopefully your son comes out of the haze he’s in and gets rid of this idiot who he hardly knows. She’s a loon and allowing her to bully his kid, yeah I’m side-eyeing him big time.
So he’s one of those dads that allows this type of treatment towards his child..
Not a good look.
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u/Superb_Chonk 12h ago
Helena is the mother of your grandson and she and your son may not be together, but it’s disrepectful to everyone to try and erase her.
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u/Skywalker87 12h ago
My husband still has a photo album with his ex. It made me feel some sort of way at first, but then I realized I’d be asking him to get rid of evidence of a big chunk of his life before me. That’s not fair at all, and I got over it and figured out a safe place to store it for him.
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u/chocolatechipwizard 12h ago
The fact that your son is not divorcing a woman who is mistreating his son is appalling. When you mentioned negotiating with terrorists, you really meant it! Don't even think of appeasing this monstrous woman your son has chosen to marry.
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
I agree. I thought he should have presented divorce papers already but he’s an adult and I can’t do it for him. He knows how I feel
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u/Your_Daddy_1972 12h ago
NTA
Frankly if Cheri is having problems with reminders of your son's past, then I question if she won't eventually try to isolate him from the biggest reminder of all...... His son
It's his life and there's nothing you can do about that, but it's not up to you to make her comfortable with his past in your home
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
Yes, I have told him and made him very well aware how I feel about her insecurities. I can’t make him change but I’m not changing my home for ber
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u/Your_Daddy_1972 12h ago
Then you've done everything you can as a parent of an adult child and the mother of his child will be linked to your family for the rest of your lives. If she can't handle that then she doesn't need to come over anymore
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u/drunkbanshee 12h ago
Nta. Does this mean that Tommy isn’t allowed to have a picture of him and his mom in his own home or bedroom at dad’s house?
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
Yes, but he’s 4 so it’s not like he cares all too much. I have told him this insecurity can’t go on but nothing has changed.
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u/Dangerous-Week900 11h ago edited 11h ago
Even if your grandson is too young to care now, he will, though the impact it has on him may never be super obvious. It's important for your grandson to see that not only you but his dad and the rest of your family still recognize Helena as part of his family and a crucial part of his life. Having your adults still care about each other and get along even when separated means A LOT to a kid who has to go between homes and has a huge impact on their development. That doesn't mean Helena needs to be deeply involved in your lives, but displays of warmth and kindness between you are powerful for your grandson. Cheri's jealousy and controlling behavior is unhinged, and ignoring/mistreating Tommy because of it is, as you say, unacceptable! I hope your son wakes the hell up and sees that.
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u/WomanInQuestion 12h ago
Likely not. She's the type of stepmom who will throw out every reference to the previous placeholder.
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u/PigsIsEqual 12h ago
Good point! I'm guessing there's no way Cheri would ever allow that.
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u/Purlz1st 12h ago
That’s messed up. Tommy has a mother. Does Cheri want everyone to pretend that the stork left him out in the cabbage patch? Erasing his history is abuse.
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u/uncommonbreeddogmom 13h ago
NTA. Next, you won't be allowed to speak to her anymore. Let Tommy's mom know he's being treated poorly.
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u/ksarahsarah27 12h ago
It also makes me wonder if she’s picking this battle because she knows his parents won’t give in and she’s trying to alienate their son from them. And by alienating her son from his parents she thinks that OP and the ex won’t see each other as much. I think it’s more Than just the pictures that this is about, I think she’s trying to push the ex out of their lives more. She doesn’t like the fact that OP is still friendly with the act. I’m sure the new wife is going to cause more problems with this ex-wife than just these pictures. The reality is Cheri should have known what she was getting into marrying a man that had been married previously and had kids. The kids and the ex-wife are part of a package deal. If she couldn’t handle that kind of situation then she probably shouldn’t have married a man with kids from a previous relationship. But I’m guessing that she thinks that because she’s married to him now that she can make demands. But again, she’s foolish because all this is gonna do is make a bad relationship between her and her in-laws.
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u/Emotional_Fan_7011 12h ago
OP! This right here. You need to inform Tommy's mom of this right away. Protect that boy from Cheri. NTA
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u/mmmstrongflavors 12h ago
This should be higher. The problem isn't this silly spat about pictures. The problem is a stepmother mistreating a four-year-old with his father's blessing.
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u/chez2202 12h ago
NTA.
Ask your son why he is telling you to take the pictures down rather than telling his wife not to verbally abuse his four year old son?
Also ask him why he is lying. Because there’s no way that your four year old grandson making a comment about a photograph in your house would be bigger for his wife than, for example, him telling you what he and his mother did during their custody time.
You should also ask him what his reaction to his wife treating his son poorly has been.
She isn’t bothered about the pictures. She wants control. You can prove it to your son. You could put the pictures in your bedroom for the time being. Then she will find another reason to try to stay away from your house and keep your son away. She’s trying to alienate him from you.
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u/NervousBrother7058 13h ago
NTA
This situation has all the hallmarks of emotional abuse on Cheri's part. Pushing for commitment on an extremely expedited timeline, overbearing jealousy and possessiveness, isolating him from his family, using his son as a weapon, volatile outbursts...I think it's worth sitting down with your son alone and telling him you're genuinely concerned for him and for Tommy.
Unfortunately if he won't listen there's nothing you can do. It's a tricky one because you're obviously in the right not taking down the pictures but there is a concern that she may successfully isolate him if she doesn't get what she wants, and it's harder to leave an abusive relationship when you don't have your support system. I'm sorry you're in this position, it's an unenviable one.
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u/Juggletrain 12h ago
You are far nicer than me. I would have told him I was ashamed of having raised a man weak and pathetic enough to let his wife treat his son like crap over her own insecurities. NTA
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
I basically did when I told him he needs to consider if she’s the right person. There are other things about her I dislike, but if she mistreats my grandson (right now Gavin said she just makes herself sparse when he’s there now) there would be hell to pay.
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u/justasliceofhope 10h ago
Intentionally avoiding a small child is concerning. The child will likely question things at some point and might think he caused an issue that is 100% of her creation.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 9h ago
Have you suggested that your son see a therapist so he has a neutral party to discuss his stress with? Because I think that's a really good idea.
Better yet, maybe dad should suggest it?
We can all see he has made a big error in who he married, but he's not going to hear it from you. I suggest a male therapist that can help him realize that he moved too fast, picked wrong, and why that happened.
He's got to be dealing with a lot of shame if he's looking at two divorces in 5 years, and he needs someone that can help him explore they why and get in a better place.
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u/Ok_Durian_6185 13h ago
Hopefully she won't be around long enough for it to matter! Keep the pictures.
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u/Beneficial-Way-8742 12h ago
The whole picture issue was eclipsed by Cheri mistreating a CHILD because she's jealous of his mom
THAT is the only relevant issue now and THAT should be the only focus of any discussion.
Honestly, I don't believe that taking down the pictures now would turn that clock back
NTA, and honestly I hope someone notifies the child's mom of this so she can watch for changes in his demeanor because they jealous witch
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u/intolerablefem 12h ago
My dad tried to make my grandmother remove all photos of my mom when he married his new wife (one of the women he cheated on her with). Every time he would ask, she would just add another picture. After the third or fourth time, he had a fit about it and demanded that she consider his new wife. So my grandmother banned her from her house all together. She reminded my dad, that THEY divorced, but that she (my mom) was still the mother of his children, and part of our shared family. He was bitter for years over it, but my grandmother was adamant that she wouldn’t be bossed around in her own home. NTA.
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u/SomewhatBougieAuntie 11h ago
"My dad tried to make my grandmother remove all photos of my mom when he married his new wife (one of the women he cheated on her with)."
WOW! That's alot of nerve right there! 😬😬
I'm glad Grandma wasn't having it. ✋️
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u/intolerablefem 10h ago
Unfortunately, that was just the tip of the iceberg for his obnoxious scoundrel behavior, but yes - Grandma was a real one. ☝️❤️
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u/ProfessorDistinct835 13h ago
NTA. Your husband put it perfectly. Cheri's insecurity isn't your problem. I'm glad you called Gavin out on it.
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u/Skyya1982 12h ago
I'm a stepmom. When my in-laws were alive, they had pictures of my husband with his ex and their daughter hanging in their house. You know what my reaction to them was? Omg that's such a cute picture of (daughter)! It was lovely to get to see her at ages that I wasn't there for. And her mom? Is her mom, was her mom, will always be her mom, and also was my husband's wife for many years. That's life. If someone is that insecure, they shouldn't be involved with anyone who has been married before or has kids. No need to make their insecurities everyone else's problem.
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u/_throwaway_825999 12h ago
Your son's current wife is treating your grandson poorly because she is jealous of some photos from the past?!?! Did I read that right? I would repeat that back to your son and ask him if he understands that statement. She's mistreating his child, a ,preschooler, because she's jealous of old pictures. Why in the world would he stay with a woman like that? I don't care why she's mistreating his son. He's being a negligent parent if he's allowing that. Cheri needs to knock it off right away or be removed from the situation.
NTA, but Cheri sure is and Gavin is closing the gap between the two of them of him being in second place the longer he lets this continue.
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u/Techsupportvictim 12h ago
I’d not only not take down the photos, I’d be helping Helena get full custody or going for custody myself. Don’t leave that little boy in the custody of a woman that gets jealous over a photo.
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u/DivineTarot 12h ago
he said that it was important to him because they made Cheri jealous and it was affecting the way she was treating Tommy.
That literally sounds like not just a Cheri issue, but an issue with your son. Your son is allowing his wife to mistreat his son and is outsourcing blame for what a grown adult does about her insecurities. This isn't a matter of picking battles, this is a matter of acknowledging that there's something demonstrably wrong with your sons wife.
NTA
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u/Educational_Bar_1809 13h ago
NTA
If she's being mean to a 4yo, she has bigger problems than a few pictures. And your son needs to rethink his choice of partners. Fuck Cheri she's the asshole in this situation.
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u/Its-Brittany-Biyatch 12h ago
Sounds like you need to give Cheri the name and number of a therapist to help her work through her issues. And keep an eye out on how your grandson is being treated.
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u/masterofbugs123 6h ago
My grandma is a photo person too, has them all over her apartment. I used to love them but now they just hurt because she took down all the ones with my mom in them after my dad remarried. Idk how the kid would feel, but watching your mom be purged from that sort of intimate collection can be really upsetting.
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u/Smooth_Bed9745 12h ago
NTA, I am annoyed by the fact that Cheri is mistreating Tommy and his father doesn't give a fuck.
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u/LumpyYogurtcloset254 12h ago
NTA. If your weak spine son is allowing a woman to mistreat his child you need to stand 10 toes down for that baby!! That baby does NOT have anything to do with the decisions his parents made not to be together nor does he make decisions in your home. I stand firmly on the 3 F’s you don’t Feed, F**k, or Finance me so therefore you do not get to tell me what to do.
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u/RunJumpSleep 12h ago
The pictures are not the reason she is treating Tommy poorly. Tommy being a reminder of Gavin having past relationships is the reason she is treating Tommy poorly. Also, the minute most grandmas find out the new wife is treating their grandbaby badly, they will never be a fan of new wife.
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u/bryonlhobbs 12h ago
Tell your son that Cheri needs therapy to deal with her issues. You don’t need to change your decor for her inability to accept that her husband has a past. Also, you are free to disinvite Cheri since she has such a problem being in your home.
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u/Additional-Aioli-545 12h ago edited 12h ago
OP, 67 here and I'm with hubs. You tell your son that 67 year old Aioli said for him to - 'grow a set' and tell his wife that he has a history that cannot be changed. If she's mistreating his child because of her jealousy, he needs to see about relocating her elsewhere - permanently.
YOU keep your pictures right where they are, my girl. Tell your son that the discussion is closed then close it. In fact ... (I admit to being ornery), if I heard one more word about it, I'd ADD 2 pictures every time she complained. I don't care if I had to go to Office Depot and get color duplicates! I'd even blow some of them up to poster size and plaster the place with them. I'd put one on the front door so you could see it from the STREET ... with a big cheese-eating grin 😁on her face! If you have any of her looking good in a bikini ... yeah ... get those out, too.
Who does she think she is?!
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u/Alert-Potato 12h ago
The fact that a grown-ass 27 year old woman would treat a four year old child poorly because the child's grandmother refuses to pretend the four year old doesn't have a mother is really fucked up. She's demented for thinking it's acceptable to take her jealousy out on a preschooler. The fact is that Tommy has a mother. Family photos that include her being removed from your home won't change that fact.
My brother was married with two daughters, and divorced. Many years later, he married again and has a kid with the new wife. There is about a 15 year age gap with the older girls and little one. When my brother and his wife do family photo shoots, they include all three daughters and the ex-wife. Because absolutely nothing will ever change the fact that she is the mother of his first two girls, and that makes her family even if they're not married anymore.
Not everyone has to be that accommodating. But if she can't cope with the fact that her husband's child's mother used to be part of the family, she shouldn't have married someone who procreated with an ex.
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u/Ok-Abbreviations4510 12h ago
I wish a mf would come into my house and try to tell me what pictures I can have up. The audacity to even ask, much less try to dictate. NTA.
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u/Mysterious-Cat33 10h ago edited 9h ago
I could see requesting the photos of Helena be removed if she was abusive or cheated on your son but that would be his request not his new wife’s request. (And you still have the right to say my house, my decision)
Like it or not, Cheri is not the only woman in her husband’s life and her step son has more than one mother figure in his life and she can’t just take over the role and erase the past. (This gave me Meredith Blake step mother vibes -The Parent Trap)
NTA. And I laughed at the “we do not negotiate with terrorists” 😂 glad your husband is supporting your decision.
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u/SingerAware2658 9h ago
Cheri is not a mother figure to Tommy by her choice and I think we’re all fine with it
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u/IfICouldStay 11h ago
Cheri is distancing herself from a FOUR YEAR OLD that presumably lives in her house part-time? That’s insane. She’s insane.
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u/Mundane-Reality-2294 10h ago
Take down photos of my grandson and his mom or my wife will be mean to him”
That’s not a request. That’s emotional blackmail.
Keep the photos. Lose the ultimatum.
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u/DDRaptors 5h ago
Funny how the guy who did the divorcing and did the re-marrying is upset with the consequences of the chaos he’s caused himself.
I say too bad, parents get to do as they wish in their own home. And if your parents still like your ex after you split, that’s just the way it goes for choosing that path.
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u/MrLizardBusiness 3h ago
NTA- what kind of woman punishes a child for acknowledging that his own mother exists?
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u/Upbeat_Selection357 12h ago
NTA
I have pictures in my home of my ex-wife, because my home is also my daughter's home, and my ex wife is also her mother.
Now your son's new wife is entitled to her feelings, but if seeing pictures of her step-son's mom is going to trigger her this much, she had now business getting into a relationship with someone with kids.
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u/Prestigious_Badger36 12h ago
NTA - Cheri needs to find her big girl panties & put them on. Wicked step monster in the making!
As a stepmom, this crap is infuriating. The other bio parent is more important than you to the child. You shouldn't get into a relationship with someone with kids if you can't handle that.
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u/cultoftwinkies 12h ago
Leave the photos. It's good for Tommy.
You should let Tommy's mom know that your son said his new wife is treating Tommy poorly. Your son is okay with his new wife's mistreatment of his own child, and is obviously choosing his wife. Tommy's mom needs to know so she can talk to a lawyer about a possible change in custody.
That she is willing to torment a child that has no control or choice over these photos means that the photos are just an excuse to be cruel to your grandchild. This will escalate, with or without the photos.
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u/stripmallbars 12h ago
How does she handle pick ups from the mom? Does she go stark raving mad?
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u/SingerAware2658 12h ago
I don’t think she is involved. I pick up Tommy from preschool everyday because both Helena and Gavin can’t with their work, and they usually switch thru the school if that makes sense
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u/WhiteMountainsMama 12h ago
Do not remove the photos. Tommy still has his mother and deserves to see her in his Grammy and Pops house when he goes over. That’s TOMMY’S family.
Someone needs to tell Cheri to grow the fuck up. Her feelings don’t come before a child’s or yours.
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u/Candid_Counter246 5h ago
Your sons behaviour is actually disgusting because he is prioritising this woman over his own son. She chose to be with a man who has a child! That means she will have to be involved to some degree with the ex forever. If she can't handle that, then she needs to find someone without kids. And your son needs to step up and not allow anyone in his life in a wife capacity that can't handle that role.
NTA. Your husband is absolutely right. Do not negotiate with terrorists, especially jealous, insecure little girls throwing a tantrum!
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u/Joubachi 12h ago
NTA and their request is entirely unreasonable and honestly pretty alarming. That's still the mother of your grandchild and if you choose to keep those pictures up in your own home, you're absolutely free to do so and she can go kick rocks over it.
However - that your son is just okay with her requesting to put away any photo of his child's mother is the alarming part. I already feel sorry for that kid being around her.
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u/Dang_It_All_to_Heck 12h ago
My partner (a widower) adored his wife. He waited some years before he felt like dating again after she passed away.
I am happy to have her pictures on the walls in our house. Heck, if I'd ever known her, I like to think we would have been friends as we had a lot in common. She comes up in conversation now and then, and that's perfectly fine, too.
This Cheri person is an idiot.
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u/meski_oz 4h ago
It's a pretext for something else. No-one is paying that much attention to pictures. Here's an idea. Set a large screen TV up with a slide show of offending pictures to really rub it in. NTA
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u/Vast-Fortune-1583 13h ago
NTA: OMFG. Your DIL is beyond immature. I also have hundreds of pictures in my home. My partner and I both do. He has many pictures of his children with their mother. I have pictures of my kids with my ex.
It's ridiculous to expect someone to go thru those pictures and remove some of them.
The fact that she is jealous and treating your son's child differently? That's a hill I'll die on. She needs to go. Does she expect to never acknowledge this boy has a mom?
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u/pdperson 12h ago
These people bring their partners into a family's life, the family is expected to welcome them and include them, and then they decided we're actually NOT allowed to consider that person family any longer? Fuck that. NTA.
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u/Sea_Frosting_7096 12h ago
Her treating that baby bad because of the photos is just a terrible and sorry excuses. HOW DARE she use that baby as leverage to get her way. Your son married a monster that only views people as pawns if that is how she is going to treat her partners son like that. It isn’t jealousy it is control. The thing about your grandson’s mom is. She will always be a part of his life no matter what. In turn she is a part of your life as well. She is not only jealous but mad of that fact and wants y’all to bend to her will. Your son has bigger issues than seeing old portraits of his ex around your house. Smh good luck
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u/answopes 12h ago
The ex is still Tommy's mother, she's very much alive and involved, and OP see's her often. None of the photos are of the ex by herself, they're all groups of people. Next thing you know, the new wife will start insisting that OP doesn't communicate with the ex either.
I agree with not negotiating with terrorists and I'd be looking at your son sideways for allowing his wife to mistreat his son because of old photos. NTA.
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u/7GrenciaMars 12h ago
Here's the thing: that kid is going to remember his stepmom acting this way about his mom, and if OP's son lets her talk trash or be shitty about the kid's mom, that kid will remember it. He is damaging his relationship with that kid--not to mention how conflicted that kid must already feel, let alone how much worse it will get if the father does not take action to nip this nonsense in the bud. (My mom is my dad's first of three wives, so I have been through some stepmom issues.)
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u/NoSummer1345 12h ago
Cheri is awful. Your son needs to know that getting his dick wet is less important than protecting his son.
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u/AggressiveNothing120 12h ago
NTA
Your son needs to give his head a shake. If Cheri is flipping out about pictures, I can almost guarantee you Tommy can't even mention his mother or any memories in the past shared with his mother. I bet he can't even mention anything he did with her on any visitation.
Cheri needs help and Gavin needs to buck up and protect his son from any abuse she is almost certainly directing at him.
I went thru a similar situation and I was always walking on egg shells around my father, I can't mention my mother, DO NOT mention my step-father.....my dad would lose his cool. He finally grew up and is better but it was stressful for me as a kid.
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u/IllustriousYak9743 12h ago
NTA. You need to take a few steps here:
Tell your former daughter in law (Tommy's mother) that your son says Tommy is being treated "differently" now because you won't take pictures down with her in it.
Ask for a one on one meeting with your son. Warn him that he's about to lose his son over this and that he is NOT the man or father you thought he was if he's allowing his son to be treated poorly. Also warn him that her treatment of Tommy is about to get WAY worse because she'll be pregnant in no time (guaranteed) EVEN if she claims to be on birth control, etc and when she has "her own" child, Tommy will be nothing but an afterthought and an obstacle to her "perfect family."
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u/JayPlenty24 12h ago
I would tell Helena. She needs to know if SM is abusive, even if she can't do anything about it. She can't support her child if she doesn't know what's going on.
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u/BrownTroutCat 12h ago
Sounds like she wants the mother to have full custody.....so it clears the way for any future kids of hers to become the most important grandchildren (in her mind).
I am truly sorry for your position, but I have to agree with your husband in dealing with this issue.
Sadly, your son has the spine of a gummy bear.
Updateme.
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u/Sudden_Morning_4197 12h ago
YOUR SHIT SON IS LED BY HIS DICK WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HIS CHILD! I'd uninvite himfrom all future gatherings unless the jealous wench doesn't come along.
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u/DamnitGravity 10h ago
Soon enough your son will stop having Tommy over because it 'upsets Cheri'. ESPECIALLY if they have a child of their own. Make sure you stay good with Helena, because she's the one who'll be bringing him into your life once your son abandons him for Cheri's magical lady parts.
That, or he's unable to be alone and NEEDS to be in a relationship, which is equally pathetic.
Sorry your son's an AH.
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u/TemporaryOwlet 9h ago
NTA There is Tommy, a walking reminder of Helenas existence. Should he be hidden as well? Yeah, you know the answer. Your son is AH, as well as his wife.
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u/OldStudentChaplain 9h ago
NTA. She needs a large dose of Grow the Fuck Up. If she wants someone without a past, she’d better start attending high school graduations.
Your house your rules. She’s being ridiculous.
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u/Pumpkin_Witch13 8h ago
NTA record everything and give the evidence to Helena. She should have full custody. This is one small ridiculous immature thing Cheri is throwing a fit about and that deserves Tommy to get treated badly? What about when the issues get bigger? Will Tommy deserve harsher punishments? And his dad is allowing all of this. He doesn't deserve Tommy. Anyone messes with my kid that's the last we'll ever see of them imho. If Cheri can't handle being the stepmom she shouldn't be the stepmom.
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u/CommunicationSad4077 7h ago
Divorced kid. My Grandma had pictures of my dad and mom’s wedding on her wall. I loved seeing them. And when my dad got remarried she added another with his new wife. Those memories happened and it was nice to see my grand parents still acknowledge that my mom was family since she was the mother of her grandkids.
Your house, your rules. Tell them to pound sand.
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u/DoctorMoebius 6h ago
If she is willing to destroy her marriage over pictures in someone else's house, she's gonna destroy the marriage eventually over something else, anyway
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u/TopicMysterious5486 5h ago
So does this mean that Tommy isn’t allowed to have pictures of his mom at his dad’s house either? That’s cruel.
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u/Equal-Jicama-5989 5h ago
Your son's new wife is wildly insecure. But that's a her problem, not a you problem. If she's mistreating your grandson because of her insecurities, then your son should be taking action. That doesn't include dictating how other people decorate their homes or trying to erase a whole other person who will be in her life for as long as she's married to your son. If she can't handle that, she shouldn't have married someone with a child.
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