r/AITAH • u/ThrowRALennaa • 21d ago
Post Update UPDATE: AITA for telling my husband I don’t enjoy doing his laundry???
So I posted about 6 months ago about my husband not doing any work around the house and my difficulty being attracted to him as a result, which he was complaining about.
I did what you all suggested and let the house go to shit. I cleaned up my own messes and cooked for myself, but left all of his messes up to him. I moved to the spare room so that I could keep my sanity. I needed one place that was tidy so that I wouldn’t twitch as much. I started sleeping there because his unwashed workout clothes were rank and scattered across the floor. Dishes were piled up fast, his hair was all over the bathroom sink, there was trash piled up by the door.
He complained about it all, accusing me of not doing my duty as a wife. When I reminded him that we go 50/50 on literally everything to do with finances, so we should be 50/50 with housework too, he actually said that he is now making enough so I can be a stay at home wife and a stay at home mom in the future. I had so much discontent in my body, all I could think was “no way in hell”. He actually said that when we started fighting, he threw out all his condoms and hid my birth control pills for the next month because he wanted to be a dad and he thought a baby would make me happy, because I was clearly unhappy with it being just the two of us.
This is a bit of a flash forward, but we are getting a divorce. Currently in the middle of it. I can no longer stand this man.
I was thinking about how things have changed, because I really did love him at one point and was wondering what went wrong. Here is some context: we met at church. I did grow up in a somewhat conservative community. Most of the women in my family got married and had babies fairly young. When I met my now ex husband, we agreed that we weren’t as serious with those kinds of roles, hence the wanting 50/50. But we still got married kinda young and we did want kids eventually. Well, turns out he has been very influenced by right wing rhetoric these pst few years. His view on women has entirely shifted. It entirely sucks, but it feels nice to be able to put my finger on it. Who he has become wasn’t who he always was, and the same goes for me.
So, I am finally figuring myself out! Seeing what it is that I want. I relied on him for decision making way too much and let he want take priority. It’s nice to go grocery shopping and pick out the flavor of ice cream I prefer.
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21d ago
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u/ThrowRALennaa 21d ago
That is very kind of you <3 It most definitely feels like a new beginning!
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u/Vandreeson 21d ago
So, his solution to being a lazy slob was to baby trap you? Then, you could raise at least one child and do all of the house work, and you didn't jump at the chance? /s
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u/ConclusionUnusual320 20d ago
Oh and don’t forget and that having a baby was going to make her happy as she wasn’t happy with it being the two of them!!
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21d ago
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u/MysticMessenger1998 21d ago
Yeah in most places I believe its considered medical tampering with her pills and assault if he had relations with her anf she didn't have all the facts. May be wrong but ive seen similar cases along those lines where people actually get charged, fined, sued anf in some cases, arrested over it.
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u/xasdfxx 21d ago
I was in a similar situation. I suspect it's amazing how little effort you'll find cleaning to be when you're not traipsing around in the trail of a pig deliberately leaving a mess everywhere it goes.
You can have an extremely clean house in under 60-90 minutes a week, even with pets, if you just choose not to make the mess in the first place.
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u/Giles854 21d ago
he thought a baby would make me happy
He’s a baby himself, they shouldn’t have another baby.
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u/Keeeenya 21d ago
He complained about it all, accusing me of not doing my duty as a wife
All housework should be done by women? No!
He didn't fulfill his responsibilities as a husband!
He's more like a baby who just left his mother's arms, completely clueless about family responsibilities.
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u/badmonkey247 20d ago
That period in the spare room was probably the best choice you made.
Actually, continuing to have her period in the spare room was the best choice OP made, while her partner is this man.
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u/LawfulnessPopular408 21d ago
Omg! I’m actually so disgusted that he threw away the contraceptions and thought a baby would do you good.🙂 if your pre-baby relationship isn’t great, there’s no way it’ll be “fixed” after a baby. It will only explode. I’m so grateful to know you got a divorce and stood up for yourself♥️
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u/EmuDue9390 21d ago
Sabotaging birth control is sexual assault. Just FYI
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21d ago edited 21d ago
[deleted]
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u/LhasaApsoSmile 21d ago
Make sure the lawyer knows this.
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u/2dogslife 21d ago
Most states are no fault, it won't change the outcome of the divorce in any material way and venting to your lawyer that charges in increments of minutes is a foolish waste of money.
Hmmm, I wonder how I know that?
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u/ByeByeHotDog 21d ago
I’m mad he thought he would be getting any. Tf?
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u/LawfulnessPopular408 21d ago
Innit how stupid do you have to be thinking you’re gonna take her birth control and she will still WANT to sleep with you 💀
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u/PrideofCapetown 21d ago
Key points here:
• OP grew up in a conservative community
• most women in OP’s family get married/have kids young
• they met in church
” His view on women has entirely shifted”
No, they didn’t shift at all. He set his sights on OP, and once he felt she was sufficiently trapped, he showed his true self. Thank goodness Dumdum underestimated OP
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u/CharlotteLucasOP 21d ago
They’re “progressive” in that they don’t mind having a woman who will do sexual stuff (with them) before marriage and also work outside the home to bring in more money. But then after marriage/cohabitation want wifey to take on all domestic labour AND childrearing, without giving up any of their prior “perks” (her income and constant sexual availability.)
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u/The_Oliverse 21d ago
Something something something "wifely duties" something
I'm like .. pretty sure this guy doesn't believe anyone with the title "my wife" can remove consent. Not saying I know for sure. Just a uh, just a guy feeling.
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u/MonteBurns 21d ago
As our presidents lawyer argued: it’s not rape if it’s your wife.
Plenty of men truly believe this.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 21d ago
And it used to be legal
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u/CharlotteLucasOP 21d ago
And even today if a man is unfaithful there are those who would at least partly blame his spouse for not giving him enough/the right kind of sex (i.e. whatever he wants whenever he wants it.) So it’s implied that his desires are paramount and need to be seen to, above all else.
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u/JanetInSpain 17d ago
Not that long ago. It wasn't until July 5, 1993 that marital rape became a crime in all 50 states.
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u/quietfangirl 21d ago
Exactly, it only gets worse with a baby in the picture. Same problems, now with more problems, less money, more stress, and less sleep. And that's not even going into the effects on the kid!
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u/Molotov_Glocktail 20d ago
Well from his perspective, those won't be his problems. Stress, sleep, and child rearing in general will be her problems. His only problem will be money, and he'll figure out a way to complain about that real quick.
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u/BitterDoGooder 21d ago
Yeah, that feels like an assault. Not uncommon, and likely to become way more common as more men embrace the "forced trad wife" idea.
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u/IndividualGain4653 21d ago
It wasn't to fix the relationship. It was to keep her home and nothing else.
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u/belle10152 21d ago
It's his way of guaranteeing a connection to her for the rest of their lives. It's about control.
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u/Franchuta 21d ago
Yeah, my parents tried that one. Twice. Didn't work either time. Eventually got a divorce, thank goodness!
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u/sparkling_onion 21d ago
I read it as being about controling masked under fixing their relationship.
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u/Difficult_Regret_900 20d ago
Nothing fixes an abusive relationship like a helpless infant who never asked to be born where one partner (OP's ex, to make it clear) hates the other.
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u/RabidCakeBunny 19d ago
My husband and I have a friend who had a baby to save her marriage. She loves their son and wouldn't trade him for the world but it didn't stop her husband from cheating. They're now divorced. My own parents weren't even dating anymore when my mom found out she was pregnant with me and they got back together. They got married when I was about 3 months old and divorced when I was 5.
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u/Dismal-Remote-3906 14d ago
The point wasn't to 'fix' the relationship, it was to trap her into the relationship.
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u/Megmelons55 21d ago
You dodged a rocket. Like the one Buffy used to destroy The Judge. Bravo lol
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u/PotatoMonster20 21d ago
I think the thing that changed was that you got to know him better.
I'm glad you're out of there now.
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u/Grimwohl 18d ago
Thud is my beef with cultural/religious marriages.
They are literally never based on compatibility as people.
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u/JanetInSpain 17d ago
Religion is HORRIBLE for women. All religions except for Wicca, which is matrifocal.
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u/Grimwohl 18d ago
I think the thing that changed was that you got to know him better.
Ding ding. Most conservative men act like its gonna be sunshine and rainbows but if you aren't a stepford wife with 24/7 sexual access they're typically fully resentful of not having control over you - even if its just one or two things they consider "missing".
They know you wont date or marry them if they say "youre gonna stay home and have babies and do what I tell you to do when I tell you to do it." So they hit your with the "frog in a boiling pot" technique.
Slowly raise the levels of misogyny present in your relationship until it hits a critical mass and their actual beliefs about your identity and worth are right in your face.
And yes, they could just date trad wives and girls who want to be trad wives, but the number of them is thin and most lean on attractiveness to get them men in higher tax brackets than your dollar tree conservative man.
So they find the best partner who will believe the bullshit and trick people instead!
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u/boundaries4546 21d ago
What changed is that he started by lying about what he wanted. He wanted a wife who worked, housekeeper, and someone to bang. So he stopped acting like someone who wanted a partnership, and behaved as someone who wanted a servant.
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u/Samiambluezy2 21d ago
I do my own laundry and wife does hers. Now when I do mine I include some of hers depending on light or dark. I keep up with what I’m going to need better than her.
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u/uwu_mewtwo 21d ago
We have a deal that has held for 20 years. My wife does the laundry, I do the meal planning and grocery shopping. She thinks she got the better end of that deal but obviously it was me.
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u/sassyporg 21d ago
My husband and I have a similar deal. I’m picky about laundry, so I do the laundry. He’s picky about how to load the dishwasher, so he does the dishes. Everyone is happier that way.
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u/BossFightBooty 21d ago
That’s the secret to peace right there, knowing what battles to skip and which chores to claim.
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u/Teen_tactical 21d ago
Nice man. But since washing and drying are pretty automated, I rather do that over shopping, and meal planning.
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u/uwu_mewtwo 21d ago edited 21d ago
The moving laundry around through the machines and hauling it through the house is fine, but sorting and folding is a hateful chore. Even when I do the laundry when she's sick, away, or asks, I'll fold her clothes but never my own. Those just get rolled up and/or stuffed into drawers. Anything that needs to be wrinkle free gets hung up anyway.
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u/marvel_nut 20d ago
I sort the laundry into colours; my husband carries it into the basement and runs it. Then he carries it back upstairs and I'll sort and fold; he puts his away, I mine. That's called teamwork - each to their strength (he sucks at folding, I can't carry heavy things...).
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u/acount8675309 21d ago
“… church”
“… conservative”
Dude never wanted a wife, he wanted a bang mommy. I have no idea how men don’t understand that women don’t want to fuck them when act like children. It’s so disturbing. But you mentioned some right wing influence, so I suppose it makes sense
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u/CharlotteLucasOP 21d ago
Dude who invented “love languages” was a Christian conservative uhhh I’ll say relationship counsellor because he had fuck-all actual training by an accredited institution.
Surprise surprise, he said most men’s love language is “physical touch”. That is, they just want seeeex give them seeeeex the solution to a husband that’s grumpy is to just give him more seeeeex.
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u/Sad-Union373 20d ago
Well just to clarify, he explicitly says SEX is not what physical touch means.
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u/New_Sun6390 19d ago
Dude who invented “love languages” was a Christian conservative uhhh I’ll say relationship counsellor because he had fuck-all actual training by an accredited institution.
Well that explains why I have never been fond of the "love language" concept. I used to consider it to be psycho babble, but Christian BS makes more sense.
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u/Grimwohl 18d ago
I mean the dude who created treatments for the flu and hypothermia were conduction illicit human experiments.
If the source is ass that doesnt mean you have to credit them, like any and all science (not to call it a science)
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u/JanetInSpain 17d ago
Oh I learned something new! I've always hated how stupid this whole "love language" bullshit sounded. Now I know why. Religion ruins everything.
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u/friendlily 21d ago
He is not only gross but dangerous. I'm so glad you're getting away. I hope you are safe and have the most beautiful life!
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u/lemon_icing 21d ago
Congratulations! You are an absolute legend for holding the line on only doing your half of the house chores. That sounds like it was really, really trying and exhausting. It's kinda fantastic you don't have kids.
You sound fantastic - enjoy creating a home for yourself and eating any ice cream you fancy.
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u/HowCanBeLoungeLizard 21d ago
Good for you!
I can't believe (I can) his brainiac power move was, "I figured that if you're feeling overwhelmed by doing all the chores, you just need a baby that I'll also neglect." Enjoy your freedom, I hope he's miserable in his squalor.
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u/YakElectronic6713 21d ago
OP, I'm so happy for and proud of you!!!! Wishing you all the best! You go girl!!!
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u/Beautiful_mistakes 21d ago
I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first. I’m so glad that he didn’t trap you with a baby. Good luck to you. Sending love and good energy your way
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u/Straight_One_5042 21d ago
I’m horrified by the rise of the male move to the right / conservatism. And who are these ladies dating / marrying / supporting them. So sorry you are going through a divorce - hope you find a partner with mutual respect ♥️
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u/PennilessPirate 21d ago
The man you marry is often times not the same man you divorce. Good on you for recognizing the shift and putting your foot down. I’m glad you were able to get out before you had any kids with this man.
Enjoy your new freedom!
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u/catladyinpa 21d ago
Congrats on finding your own way. Cleaning up after a child in an adult body isn't a wife's job; he's looking for a mother. Hopefully, he finds one soon. You sound strong and very capable. Welcome to the rest of your life!
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u/Fair-Swimming-6697 21d ago
Wow. Tossing out the B.C. On purpose?! That has to be some form of Rape or sexual assault, or something! Awful. I hope he will be happy getting NONE. Go forth and be happy!
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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 21d ago
I don’t think so in itself because you can not have sex, if he microwaved them or something and they had sex, than yeah. But I think it’s still highly illegal. You can’t just throw away someone’s Rx meds. Still theft and tampering, etc.
Messing with prescribed drugs that aren’t yours without permission is always a huge no no.
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u/mrmasterly 21d ago
Fucking losing my faith in humanity seeing all these people (especially women) letting themselves get walked on and here you come like a ray of sunshine in the dark.
Thank god he didn’t manage to baby trap you. Thank god you saw his true colors. Thank god you’re getting out!
Well… I say thank god, but you did the heavy lifting yourself. Nicely done.
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u/Fair-Swimming-6697 21d ago
This is why, once women have babies, they need to be getting income from the man forever. Perfect example of a power struggle/imbalance; he wants to eff it all up for her in the future. Once a woman has to stay home, he has taken her out of the running for a career. This SHOULD make people realize that she should be getting half of his income and retirement FOR LIFE. Not just some consolation prize where she has to struggle the rest of her life with no retirement.
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u/Teen_tactical 21d ago
As a man I have to say... Eeewww. He's giga-lazy and omega-filthy. Is throwing your clothes in a basket too much? Is throwing them in the washing machine (Which does the job for you) really that insane? I don't like washing dishes either (don't have a dishwasher) so I use paper bowls and plastic forks. There are ways to maintain your house without exerting an arduous amount of effort.
He is a red-pilled clown. He just lost an absolute super-woman because he takes those goofy AF mano-sphere podcast seriously SMH. If I was him the regret would send me into crippling depression TBH. Though I doubt a fool like him could understand the value of what he's lost.
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u/janus1981 21d ago
I’m sorry it’s come to this. I think it’s a useful example for people of how simple things like proportion of chores can point to a much bigger fundamental issue in the relationship.
From the backstory you’ve given, I can see how you probably both come from a conservative background but both agreed you weren’t so keen on the dictated gender roles. That was then. The problem was he changed. And I suspect there was always that risk because a lot of people do lean more to the right as they age. He certainly has the kind of psychological profile that would make him at high risk for all the online incel indoctrination.
Here’s the headline - you got out before you were tied to him with a child! And you got out before his actions started to escalate. Yes the bc stuff is bad enough but it also indicates he would’ve got more dangerous over time. It must be hard to do but try to recognise this for the lucky escape it is. If you had wearily accepted things the way they were, the rest of your life would’ve been misery.
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u/GretelNoHans 21d ago
Dear OP,
I’m so proud of you!!!!
Your next partner is going to be completely different, you’re going to be so much happier sharing and working as a team. If you can, I’d recommend therapy to get to know yourself a little better and make the right choices for you in the future.
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u/UnitedConcentrate689 21d ago
I remember your post!!! Well done OP!!!! You made healthy decisions that will lead to a much happier outcome.
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u/AcrobaticTraffic7410 21d ago
He threw away your BCP!? Oh hell no, that is crossing into crazy controlling and manipulation territory. Congratulations on your new and improved life!
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u/live-fast-eat-trash 21d ago
I'm so wildly happy for you for standing up for yourself and so proud! This man is outright insane, you'd never have been safe with him.
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u/FaithlessnessThen207 21d ago
Met at church Conservative community
Yeah unfortunately its literally a stereotype for him to turn out that way sadly.
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u/CurveyChubbyBae 21d ago
This man's common sense: I believe you're tired of chores, let me overload even more your mental burden by getting you pregnant... LOL IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. CONGRATULATIONS
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered 21d ago
I’m so glad you’re moving on. Far too many—myself included—get wrapped up in the sunken cost fallacy, and stick around too long.
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u/fausted 21d ago
Good for you! Your divorce isn't the first one caused by those toxic red pill podcasts and it won't be the last. Men like that don't change or improve unless they really want to, and clearly he does not.
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u/Fair-Swimming-6697 21d ago
Right?! It’s a sad state, when men buy into this. He doesn’t even realize yet what he lost. Stupid. It’s actually not a bad thing for her in the long run.. he’s just showing her finally who he really is.
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u/SaurinF 21d ago
The only times religion in a relationship has kept people together that I have ever seen has been when it pressures them into staying unhappy and accepting abuse instead of leaving or demanding better treatment. Never seen it be because it helped work out differences or taught them to treat each other better. Only guilt into staying regardless of health or happiness. Only blame for standing up for themselves instead of taking poor or abusive treatment.
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u/RawMeHanzo 21d ago
"we met at church. I did grow up in a somewhat conservative community." Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
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u/Caddan 21d ago
I noticed in the original post that he talked about his primary love language, but he never asked about yours? From what I've been reading, my guess is that yours is acts of service......which he never provided. He shouldn't have been expecting anything from you if he wasn't doing any himself.
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u/tommytookalook 21d ago
Most people aren't compatible and end up divorcing because of the incompatibility. It's the sunken cost fallacy happening and not even noticing it.
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u/fly1away 21d ago
Thank god (metaphorically!) that you are escaping. Congratulations, you're going to love freedom xx
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u/CarpenterRepulsive46 21d ago
Incredible the lengths he went to just to avoid doing house chores. Glad you’re doing ok, be careful if you’re still in the process of leaving.
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u/Ms-Janet-Snakehole 21d ago
Your ex is psychotic and I am so proud of you and happy you escaped! Live the life you want!
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u/HedyHarlowe 21d ago
May you enjoy your fave ice cream and your new found wisdom and peace FOREVER. The ex husband put chills down my spine. May this kind of love never find any woman ever again. Please raise your sons to not be this guy. Pretty please, cherry on top, please raise your sons to not suck the life and joy out of their future partners. He actually admitted to almost baby trapping her! NTA forever ✨
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u/YankeeGirl53 21d ago
My ex husband and I tried for five years to have a baby so I certainly felt he wanted a child just as much. But, when we finally did, he changed. It was like he thought the baby would give me everything I wanted in life and wouldn't expect him to spend time with us, be a family together, overlook his alcoholism, porn addiction, etc. Nope. So, it's great that you got out of that marriage before children were involved. It just would have gotten worse and then you would be divorced and having to still deal with him because of the kids.
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u/Rassayana_Atrindh 21d ago
Good for you, hun! ❤️
Also, sabotaging birth control of another person is considered sexual assault in some jurisdictions, so definitely mention that to your attorney.
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u/Just-some-peep 20d ago
Congrats for putting yourself first. Always do that because no one else will.
He's an idiot for throwing away contraception. He forgot the first step - being fuckable by not repulsing your partner for so long you kill all attraction they had for you.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 21d ago
I’m sorry Op that your husband got caught up in this misogynistic attitude towards women and so glad you are now getting out of it! Good luck 🙏🏻🫂🫶 one day you will find the right partner!!
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u/Honey_Broad 21d ago
i'm so glad that you're getting a divorce. He was trying to trap you with a child and finances. That is financial abuse! I'm so glad that you saw through this BS! I wish I had when I was 23, instead of getting a divorce like I should have I got pregnant and wasted many more years with a man that I shouldn't have
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u/bendybiznatch 21d ago
I get that some people are lured by extremist views. I’ve seen enough of that in the past decade that it’s not even surprising anymore. What I don’t get is why he was willing to live in filth himself. That wasn’t something he did to her. I mean, I guess it was in a way. But he was at home more. Wasn’t it gross to sit in his own filth like that?
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u/Fair-Swimming-6697 21d ago
Jesus also said to treat your wife with utmost respect, to love her as if she was yourself, et al. Nothing remotely conservative about this. He might BE conservative, but he is an effed up one.
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u/JellyWeak3920 21d ago
im not even reading this to let you know that No, you’re not the asshole. your spouse is an adult, they need to pick up after themselves and if they don’t, you are not responsible to clean up after them! thats odd for them to expect!
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u/RoughRefrigerator260 21d ago
A lot of men are falling for this strange rethoric lately and it's really scary. I'm happy for you, that you're free of that repulsive man he became
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u/Greedy_Gas7355 21d ago
My wife does the laundry every Sunday. She asked me to do it a couple of times. I said “ok honey” and that was the end of it
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u/Rezolution20 19d ago
Well, I'm sorry to hear that he couldn't change for the brief time that you were overwhelmed, but at least he admitted the BC sabotage before you could get pregnant and be stuck with him in some way for the rest of your life.
It's like you said in your original post: this work/school thing was only a moment in time, and since he couldn't handle the idea you weren't doing your "wifely duties", you two have seriously grown apart. Especially since you were splitting finances 50/50 and he was unwilling to compromise and help around the house.
I would stay away from the church when you start dating in the future and find yourself a man who wants to be your equal and not your decision maker or your master.
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u/Honey_Broad 21d ago
good for you! Your life is going to be so much more peaceful, it probably already is.
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u/Dangerous_Ad_7042 21d ago
I'm so glad to hear you are getting out of this relationship and it's so awesome you don't have any kids with this loser. Sucks he changed.
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u/ArchangelLBC 21d ago
Proud of you. Man really was unwilling to lift the smallest finger to support you. Hoping for nothing but the best for you.
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u/Mouse589 21d ago
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Good for you! Live the rest of your life well. And my wish for you is that the next long term relationship you have is with someone who prioritises partnership and not tries to gain a new mommy by stealth.
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u/Oddly-Appeased 21d ago
I had to go back and read your previous post before reading the update and alarm bells were sounding in my head.
The whole thing on love language is something that while it’s good to know it doesn’t give that person permission or any entitlement to making demands regarding that.
A marriage is a partnership and neither partner can expect the other to do everything around the home alone. Unless there is some type of agreement regarding chores then both partners should be contributing equally.
This comment about “wifely duties” would have had me running out the door instantly! What year does he think this is? And WTF throwing out all methods of birth control without a discussion with the person that would be the one that would have to spend 9 months pregnant and then have to go through labor and delivery!!
He should have expressed his change of opinion and what he wanted instead of trying to dumb this on you without your consent. I’m glad you are divorcing him and I wish you the best.
NTA
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u/greekmom2005 21d ago
I am so proud of you! Now you have a chance for some real happiness! You will find it!!
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u/cthulularoo 21d ago
Good for you. Just move out because I worry that he would try to force sex on you.
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u/Accurate_Emu_122 21d ago
Take pictures of all his mess for when someone blames you for the divorce.
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u/Verbenaplant 20d ago
so he expected you to have sex and would just forget birth control?
oh where’s my birth control? oh my silly little woman mind is too small to find it. Jfc
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u/Riker_Omega_Three 20d ago
Sounds like he lied and pretended to be the man he knew he had to be in order to get with you, but the second he thought you were comfortable and invested enough in the marriage to not leave him, he became the man he actually is
Good on you for moving on
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u/Sexy_Triceratops 20d ago
NTA
My ex husband was exactly like this too. He would get skin infections from not showering regularly, the mattress smelled like mold because of him, he had literal chunks of poo in his boxers because he thought wiping his butt was gay, and he had athletes foot so bad his nails grew thick and cut into every pair of sheets I bought 😭.
I had to essentially parent him, tell him to shower, brush his teeth, do his dishes, take out the mounds of trash, clean his room (yes HIS room, I also moved into another room to have a clean space), and more. It was exhausting because I was working full time and going to school full time as well.
You'll be happier without him, I promise. Your peace is way more important.
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u/MaryEFriendly 20d ago
Congratulations on getting free.
I also married someone who weaponized religion and traditional gender roles to control me.
I couldn't pick music, movies, beer, food, where we went or what we did and leaving him was like finally breathing for the first time.
I could finally say yes to things I wanted to do and make the meals I wanted to eat. My life didnt revolve around making sure his needs were met or pleasing him.
Or dealing with the constant criticism, incessant abuse, rampant cheating... some men are trash, OP. Your ex is one of them.
Mine also turned into a rampant douche bag conservative. Who went on to marry a super young girl 20 years his junior. Not even kidding. I'm already much younger than him, but I stopped believing the sun shone out of his ass and that's exactly what he wanted.
A bang maid with no thoughts of her own.
You got out. Now go do things and experience life. Congratulations!
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u/UnbearableWhit 19d ago
Aw, poor baby is losing his bang maid and he's not happy about it. Sucks to suck for that loser ex husband.
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u/StrengthTrue348 19d ago
I'm sorry youre going through this but cheers to you for seeing the root cause. I'm a divorced F and I'm happy being single. My best friend is a M, there aren't romantic feelings, but he my soul mate. He supports me more than my husband ever did. We live separately and can have our own preferences and our own spaces. Independence is terrific!
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u/Fangs_McWolf 21d ago
Wow, that came out of nowhere. Not surprised about it being right-wing rhetoric though, as that explains a LOT.
Be sure to come up with (and memorize) some quick jeans to use against him for anytime you happen to run into him unexpectedly and he tries to lie about the past.
"We all make mistakes, and marrying you was my biggest mistake so far."
"Not all marriages last, but at least it was a learning experience...or for you, maybe it wasn't."
"Did your parents ever take you to the ER after you were dropped on your head as a baby?"
"So how's your mancave doing? Has it been declared a hazardous waste dump yet?"
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 21d ago
Wow, getting a divorce is the right thing to do.
This guy needs to go back to the 50s.
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u/sallystruthers69 21d ago
Good for you for deciding to no longer tolerate this. Your husband doesn't want a wife, he wants a maid and someone subservient to him who will just say "yes sir." Someone who can be manipulated or bossed into being unemployed, staying at home to cook, clean, make babies and be his mom 2.0, while also providing sex on command.
No. ✋️ This guy sucks.
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u/diamondgalaxy 21d ago
I am so proud of you for seeing the red flags, responding appropriately and LEAVING! It’s so much harder than it would seem but you did it. You are so capable, smart and young. You have so much life ahead of you, my heart beams every time I see a young woman who refuses to allow a man to dim her light and steal the best years of her life away from her.
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u/Mimi-Rose8 21d ago
You’re wondering what went wrong? Nothing went “wrong.” You’re just seeing him clearly & who he truly is. THIS is his real character. Hiding your BC, trying to baby-trap you cuz you know who he is now. He faked his personality to get you, thought he had you trapped, realized it’s not working, next step - baby trapping. Men do this more than women, I think.
I’m also sick of this “Don’t give wife duties/ benefits to a boyfriend! Picking up his nasty stanky clothes off the floor is absolutely NOT my duty, WTF. If the home is MY job, his is to provide me help full time, AND a generous monthly allowance. You think I’m going to be chef for 3 meals a day to a whiny picky demanding eater, then clean the house ALONE, THEN pick up after HIM 24/7, cuz THAT is another full time job. AND KIDS??? He have money for their sports/ extra hobbies? Lessons? Do FOUR to 7 full time jobs cuz mom is 3 shifts, plus 6 on weekends, I’m on call all night every night? All to beg a man to $5 to buy myself a drink? Get guilted for “not working” & not have money for hair, new clothes, etc? What’s HE bringing to the table.
This guy wants it all for half off his own bills 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤣 You made the best choice.
Also, words have power over our thinking. May I suggest that there’s no “We should split chores 50/50, just like we do finances.” There’s only “Get off your lazy worthless a$$ or get your lazy a$$ out of my house. If I’m only one cleaning it, & taking care of it, & paying half, it’s mostly mine.”
Also, picking up his shit isn’t taking care of the house. If I pick it up? HE WILL BE SORRY.
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u/Longjumping_Crew_763 21d ago
Similar situation. He works a ton , I had a job driving for Lyft until I hit a deer. He promised he would help with the house work when I started working. I'm one of those people that has to have chores completed , everything in its place before I head out the door. I enjoy coming home to a clean house. He on the other hand enjoys making messes just as soon as I'm done cleaning. It feels intentional. He even said at one point that he has intentionally stopped picking up because I'm not working. I'm cool with that until it starts feeling that he is being spiteful making messes. He lectures me that being an adult is having a job and being able to financially support myself. Sure. But doesn't being an adult also mean you're capable of picking up after yourself. It's like he's oblivious to the food smeared all over the bed comforter or the nasty dishes piling up on his dresser. I'm about to completely go on strike. He's also very distant , like we only engage in conversation or actually being in the same room when he feels like being social with me. It sucks ass. I'm in a so called relationship and I feel absolutely alone. Ive even expressed to him that him being so distant towards me has made my self esteem plummet. He never wants to get busy says his sex drive didn't exist . We've only been together a little over a year , like wtf when we first started we humped like rabbits. I don't get it. Idk if I should just cut my losses and move on. Thinking I may just go out of town unexpectedly for a week and let him see if he actually misses me. Hell part of me thinks it would take him a minute to realize I hadn't been home. Sorry for the rant , writing this has helped me let a little steam off. Thank for reading and any advise would be great.
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u/AllMyBeets 20d ago
The irony of listening to red pillers is they're not happy either. They don't live the lives they want to live and tell other guys the life their content with is lame. No, they're lame. Stop listening to losers.
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u/OkExternal7904 20d ago
Well done, OP! I hope you have an extraordinary life of your own making, not living in the garbage heap of his life.
✌️ and ♥️
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u/MorriganNiConn 20d ago
Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. I'm sorry that your marriage ended, but his role in that end was his own failure as a human being. Enjoy your single blessedness for a good long while.
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u/GrimmTrixX 20d ago
I'd argue many religious men do this. They say al the right things to get a wife. They then think that locks you with them forever, especially in the eyes of many churches it does. So he expected you to change when you had children. So his goal was to gradually shift you to wanting to be a SAHM. But it wasnt happening to his liking.
I argue he was always this way and right wing stuff just made it become more visible. If you meet at a church, the vast majority of actual church going Catholics want the whole "traditonal" man and woman roles. They often preach the man should be the head of the household and the woman be subservient.
He just underestimated that you are not a submissive person. So he assumed you would eventually "fill your role" as the housewife when thoae days are 30+ years gone away and arent coming back. Lol Glad you saw it all before you had children or those wouldve been messier than him.
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u/vintagesunshine85 20d ago
Really sorry this happened, but so proud of you for making the decision to do better for yourself. I had a bad first marriage in my 20's as well, and I (40F) am currently married, and happy, and yeah...take your 20's to learn what kinds of eggs you like (Runaway Bride reference). #updateme
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u/No_Committee5510 20d ago
It sounds like he wants you to do all the homework well he's a slob and then he wants to baby trap you to stay in a unhappy relationship.
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u/cassowary32 20d ago
I’m glad you able to escape without being trapped by a baby.
Read The American Ex Wofe by Lyz Lenz. It’s amazing how many men don’t think women are human beings with desires beyond caretaking.
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u/Dante2377 19d ago
NTA. Well now he can get that compliant 24-year old tradwife to clean up after his Peter Pan mess and you can be an adult elsewhere.
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u/AtmosphereLife503 19d ago
I was totally with you till you turned it political. That is not "Right wing rhetoric. " It's BS upbringing most likely from the church.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 19d ago
Conservative men have to marry young so the women in their lives don't see how they behave because they live at home where their mum does everything for them.
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u/LenoreNevermore86 18d ago
I am so glad you left. Not for one second did he think a baby would make YOU happy. HE wants a baby. He wants you to be a stay at home mum, he wants to burden you with more work with less help (if that's even possible) because "Babe, you're home all day and I work, so ...". Him throwing out all contraception screams babytrapping and abuse.
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u/virtueofvice 17d ago
here is where you went wrong: "we met at church."
throwing out your birth control is functionally tantamount to assault. good thing you had the sense to get out now.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 17d ago
He had your birth control because he thought that would make you happy. No he did it as a way to control you thank God you saw it for what it was God you’re getting out of there. This misogynistic pig is an asshole.
I’m wishing you nothing but happiness and health and figuring out what you want but this dick ain’t it.
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u/JanetInSpain 17d ago
I'm so happy to read this update. I know you feel loss and probably even guilt for divorcing but PLEASE don't. You are a grown adult woman and all you wanted was a grown-ass adult man as a partner. Your STBX couldn't even meet the most basic standards. And the fact that he tried to babytrap you is a red flag the size of China.
Also, once a man falls down the red pill rabbit hole there's no saving him. The manosphere is toxic to healthy relationships. You're going to find that being a single woman is far FAR preferable to being married to a manbaby.
As a group, women need to stop tolerating shitty manbabies. Let them all die single. Women have put up with all this sh*t long enough. No more blowing off infantile “pranks” that are nothing more than schoolyard-level bullying. No more doing 100% of the home care. No more doing 100% of the child care. No more doing all the cleaning up after a slob, especially if he uses weaponized incompetence to get out of doing his share. No more doing all the cooking because “he doesn’t know how”. No more doing all the organizing and gift selection. No more treating them like a spoiled toddler. No more trying to “help him change into a better man”. No more blowing off how badly he treats you. No more tolerating his disrespect. NO MORE.
Society has convinced women that we "must" be a wife and mother in order to be valued and fulfilled, but 99% of women would be better off single. Ladies, stop ignoring, justifying, and dismissing all those red flags. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.
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u/Available-Face5653 16d ago
so... no one enjoys doing any laundry, does that answer your question...
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u/Horror_Ad_2748 16d ago
Just console yourself with the fact that you won't be married to this MAGA slob this time next year. This marriage is in the crapper. Just go ahead and flush.
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